Wednesday, 22 October 2008

ALBUM REVIEW: The Katie Melua Collection by Katie Melua

Everyone knows what Katie Melua sounds like. (And for those who don't, she sounds like the stuff you can't quite hear bleating over the speakers as you walk through a Wal-Mart. Or Harrods. Or Saks Fifth Avenue.) So instead of reviewing "The Katie Melua Collection" by Katie Melua, here are some important facts about Katie Melua, as gleaned from seven-and-a-half-minutes of stringent online research:

• "The Katie Melua Collection" by Katie Melua may not be a greatest hits package and may in fact be a plea for donations to help Katie Melua afford an operation that will make her tall enough to sit at the grown-ups' table at Christmas.
• Katie Melua is as small as a human can be without actually qualifying as a dwarf or a child, based on any known system of measurement.
• No-one can actually name one of Katie Melua's songs (actual titles – mumbling something about "feeling 21 but acting 17" doesn't count)
• Katie Melua can be classified as a "Type 6" on the Bristol Stool Chart (pictured above): "fluffy pieces with ragged edges, a mushy stool"
• Katie Melua is not Norah Jones.
• Katie Malua does not believe in marriage (though her views on Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny can not be confirmed).
• Statistically speaking, every person in the UK owns a copy of a Katie Melua CD, possibly stuck to the back of one of Dido's albums.
• Katie Melua was once swallowed whole by Chuck Norris, though she was later able to gnaw her way out through his bellybotton (Chuck Norris didn't notice at the time, though he wasn't happy about the rip in his shirt, which he discovered later that day. He also had to swallow Dido whole to stop his tummy rumbling before a roundhouse kick workout.)

Shatner Rating: Miss Congeniality
Worth a listen? No (though you're going to hear some of it anyway).

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