Wednesday, 25 February 2009


UK Release Date: 6 March 2009
Starring: Billy Crudup, Jackie Earle Haley and a whole bunch of
future ComiCon attendees

As with everything else on this site, and per the Second Rule* of The No Show, we have not seen Watchmen.

In the interests of full disclosure, however, we have to admit that we have read the comic books [Ed's note: To anyone about to say something, it is a comic book not a graphic novel, so shut it].

We both have copies of the original series (though mine sit in a box somewhere in my parents' basement 3,500 miles from here and are probably covered in crayon scribbles by my nephews because NO-ONE in my ENTIRE FAMILY understands the REAL value of collectibles. *Sheesh*).

We also both know the story involves this superhero owl guy, and another superhero guy with a black and white mask, and a big, kind of Silver Surfer ripoff type character. And a guy who looks like he welcomes new guests as they arrive in Vegas (and possibly stands in for Siegfried and/or Roy on their off days). And even a couple of relatively well rounded female characters too. Right?

Anyway, we read the thing and vaguely remember the plot.

So there's that out of the way, yeah? Great, on with the review:

Watchmen is going to be awesome.

There, done. You can go ahead and move on to something else now, we're done here.

No, seriously. It will be. Guaranteed. It has to be. Wil Wheaton said so. Twice. On TWITTER no less.

And the fact is that it better be awesome. Because if it's not, somebody's going to have to pay. Expectations are so freaking high for this thing that the fansboys and girls will be throwing themselves under passing buses in protest if even one iota of not awesome appears on screen. (Probably one of those Atheist buses too. Just for the irony.)

Remember: this is the comic book that gave birth to this whole interweb thingy. Or at least, it's the thing that got their mojo going. Right after porn, Watchmen is like the next thing on the list of things that made the internet thing popular really fast.

No but SRSLY it's for true: back in 1986, when the comics came out and everyone was all "Whoa like totally AWESUM" (that's how they spoke back then), rumours started circulating about a film version. At that exact moment, the finishing touches were being put on Internet 1.0. Next thing you know, the Web is born and everyone's all over it and asking "So like when is the Watchmen film happening bcuz it R so cool?" when not surfing for porn.

This was of course before everything got taken over by losers trolls and people with a disturbing fascination for cats. (Seriously, what the HELL is up with all the cats on here?)

By the time the actual film was finally put together by a team of magic elves working feverishly for months on end in a secret cave in North Hollywood, and following several trumped up very very important lawsuits (always a good sign on a film production), the interwebs had evolved to the point where celebrities were using l33tspeak well-known internet abbreviations in casual conversation to express their excitement at the film's inevitable awesomeness:

And so now, with the film rising on the horizon like some great big glowing thing peeking out from behind the glowing greatness of President Obama's Presidential Halo of Power, we are left with only one possible outcome: awesomeness.

Watchmen will be awesome.

It will not be slightly disappointing. It will not be just "OK" or "not bad". It will not not quite live up the comics, the ones we haven't read for 20 years but seem to recall really really liking for reasons we can't quite remember (something about it being "really real" and not having a happy ending). It will also not be so buried in CGI that we forget we're watching a live action film, nor will it be ruined by excessively wooden acting performed by actors whose names we won't remember after the credits role, names that if we could remember, we would then forever curse because they were so wooden.

And it will definitely not be yet another absolutely piss-poor piece of shit big screen adaptation of Alan Moore's work, like V for Vendetta, From Hell and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. They were just flukes.

No, Watchmen will be AWESOME.

Or it will be the worst thing in the history of cinema.

Because when it comes to Watchmen, there's nothing in between.

(And Twitter will fail due to overcapacity either way, of course.)

UPDATE: The Quietus thinks "[director] Jack Snyder has taken one of the greatest comic books ever published, and made the the single worst comic book movie ever to see daylight. Batman And Robin was Apocalypse Now compared to this."

UPDATE: The Motion/Capture review says "Zack Snyder's 'Watchmen' is a profound work of art, a beautiful, deliriously weird, meditative spin on a genre that is as American as jazz."

So there you go: The No Show - your one-stop shop for accurate reviews.

* For reference, the First Rule of The No Show is: Don't touch yourself in public, if at all possible.

Photos: Owl by Dr. Tarak N Khan/Some rights reserved; Who watches the watchmen grafitti by David Masters/Some rights reserved.

Monday, 9 February 2009

THEATRE REVIEW: You're Welcome America. A Final Night with George W Bush

UK release date: When Michael Sheen is available
Starring: Will Ferrell on his own

It's not often we review PLAYS we haven't seen. Especially BROADWAY plays we haven't seen. Particularly ONE-MAN SHOWS we haven't seen. Pertinently POLITICAL SATIRES we haven't seen.

When we realised Will Ferrell (who has been in a film by Woody Allen, many TV remakes such as Bewitched and Land of the Lost, and loads of films where he takes a random sport, then dresses like a catalogue model from the mid-seventies, then shouts at other more talented actors) was in it as George W. Bush, we thought, well, seriously, do we want to handle this hot political one-man show of a hot potato or do we want to back down like a guy who's just started an argument with his wife and then mentioned her period?

We said, 'Screw it, lets' do it.' Like a new-age Bond villain might say to his unruly henchmen to motivate them.

Will Ferrell of Semi-Pro fame [Ed's note: A film about his status as a comedian - I thankya] has decided to star as George W. Bush because he plays him on Saturday Night Live, like a dog returning to his own not very funny vomit only to slurp it up and hope Broadway audiences will join him in his vomit-slurping.

But just what is funny about George W. Bush in a post-Bush, maintenant-Obama world?

1. George was a recovering alcoholic

2. George was a coke addict

3. George wasn't very good at anything

4. George was a bit stupid

5. George couldn't stop saying stupid things

6. George wasn't really cut out to be president

But his dad wanted it that way so that's the way it was. It's really easy to parody a moron just like it's easy to masturbate when you're alone but much more daring at a bus stop or at Christmas lunch with all your family round the table [Ed: That's not egg nog - I thankya]. But who has the balls to parody Barack "walks on water, living in the love of the common people" Obama? Not Will Ferrell. No he'd rather pick on the global village retard.

We at The No Show are tough on bullying and the causes of bullying and we believe it's wrong to pick on George Bush. Also it's kinda been done before... a lot. Mostly by Will Ferrell... who may have voted for him because he could do an impression of him.

Like the man who plays ice hockey with his scrotum hanging out, we implore you Will Ferrell, show us your ice cold balls and stop before you go too far. And that goes for you too Tina Fey. Just because you look like Sarah Palin and are oddly sexy like a bespectacled primary school teacher who touches herself under the desk – no more Palin. [Ed's note: Er, Tina Fey more or less stopped doing that impressions after the election... I wish she hadn't, she sort of turned me on like a bespectacled hillbilly politician who talks church in public but filth in the sack.]

If anyone goes to see this, it will only encourage more shows that attack the mentally and physically impaired. If you want to see Ricky Gervais playing Stephen Hawking or Jack Black playing Helen Keller or Ben Stiller playing David Beckham, then go and see Will Ferrell in You're Welcome, America - but remember, you'll be support mentalist bullying.

Shatner scale: TJ Hooker: The Movie
Must see: Only if you hate those less fortunate than you.

Thursday, 5 February 2009


UK release date: 27 March 2009
Starring: Joaquin Phoenix and some other people

According to IMBD, Two Lovers is "a Brooklyn-set romantic drama about a bachelor (Phoenix) torn between the family friend his parents wish he would marry and his beautiful but volatile new neighbor."

It is going to be rubbish.

This verdict is based on three very good and undeniable FACTS:

1. Timing is everything. The film is being released too late for the 2009 Academy Awards and too soon for anyone to remember it for the 2010 Academy Awards (though it will still probably earn some BAFTA nominations. Anything to bump up the list of US presenters at the awards).

2. It co-stars Gwyneth Paltrow. Seriously: name one film she's been in that was actually good. We'll wait. No, not that one, it was rubbish too. And not that one either. See? Told you.

3. Lead actor Joaquin Phoenix retired shortly after the film wrapped. To become a professional BEARDY rapper.)

So there you go, verdict done, on to more important business:


According to JP Beardy Rapper MC himself (on, "This is me saying this is who I am. This is my story. After all the years of reading scripts and reading lines, this is my chance to do something straight from the heart and put it out there."

But as Yahoo news also pointed out, "After his set, he was left red-faced after he tripped and fell into the crowd as he attempted to step off the stage."

Is it a joke? thinks so (but they're such bitchy bitches they'd mock Ghandi for his fashion choices). And spotting Casey Affleck filming MC McBeardy's "gigs" make it feel like a big phat mockumentary scam.

But still, Phoenix aka DJ Beardy McBeardson insists it's all fuh realz.

Just in case, we at The No Show feel it necessary to remind young MC Big Bad JoPhe Beard of a few other poor career choices that were made by famous types at pivotal junctions in their lives, and the car crash-like results that ensued:

Vanilla Ice (aka Robbie Van Winkle): Useless "rapper" who sampled "Under Pressure" for his one big hit without giving any credit or paying royalties and had the first #1 on the Billboard charts and sold 17 million CDs before being sued and paying out big time. His success can only be explained by a kind of mass insanity that began in middle class suburbs before spreading around the world. Thankfully, Van Winkle's switch to acting cured the world of its collective madness and he failed spectacularly, winning the "Worst New Star" award at the 1991 Golden Raspberry Awards. He shifted back to "music" - this time with creepy dreads that looked stapled to his head - and failed yet again. So, like every American performer without a career, Van Winkle turned to his last possible creative outlet, Reality TV, where he has enjoyed modest success (if you include "getting the crap beaten out of you by Todd Bridges" in your definition of modest success).

[Ed's note: all of the above "facts" were lifted directly from the Winkapedium. So they must be true.]

David Bowie: An unique and charismatic hair musician, Bowie's hair had several chart-topping hits. Then his hair dabbled in hair acting, with limited success (though his turn as Jareth the Hairy Goblin King in Labyrinth was, frankly, astonishing and hirsute). So far so good. Then he turned to financial hair services, offering hair stocks and generally spreading himself thin, which of course lead us all into the hairy economic situation we're all in now.

Mickey Rourke: Great actor turned mediocre actor turned boxer turned crash test dummy for cosmetic surgeons throughout LA. One small error in judgement in the early 1990s = 10 years of wandering in the wilderness before major comeback with The Wrestler (and it was a comeback - Another 9 1/2 Weeks and straight to video shit like Shades don't count as acting).

Chuck Norris:
A super-duper action hero (big and small screen), this roundhouse-kicker extraordinaire then decided that he was so great that he must be great at everything. Including fashion. Say hello to The Chuck Norris Action Jeans for the martial artist. I shit you not.

John Wayne Bobbit:
Wife hacked off his knob, so he had to prove it would work. By going into porn. It didn't really work. And neither did he after that.

Ron Jeremy (or indeed any porn actor given even half a chance): When Ron Jeremy went from Insanely Famous Hairy Fat Hedgehog Pornstar to Actor, people were prepared to give him half a chance. Unfortunately for Ron, it turned out that his penis got all the talent. But that didn't stop a handful of other porn stars who have jumped at the chance when offered a role by saddo directors looking for "authenticity" by which they mean "people willing to actually have sex on set in front of my entire film crew so I can call this piece of shit film 'art'". Except for Traci Lords. She's pretty good actually.

Paris Hilton, Noami Campbell etc: This applies to a wide range of useless models, IT girls and the offspring of stupidly wealthy and famous parents - recording an album is always a bad idea. ALWAYS. There are no exceptions to this rule. Vacuousness, stupidity and inexcusable wealth are no excuse.

Justin Lee Collins:
He used to be a successful double-glazing demonstrator. Now look at him, chasing former celebrities and haranguing them like some great hairy ape. It's just wrong. Just plain wrong.

Lindsay Lohan: Former child actor and rehab addict, she decided to pack that in and try her hand at full time professional lesbianism. While she has enjoyed some success with this career, the constant appearance of walking skeleton Samantha Ronson at her side is messing with Lohan's celebrity status because being with the sister of a famous producer is more likely to get Lohan into clubs than having appeared in an hilarious remake of Herbie. And it's making Lohan look fat. (Seriously Ronson, grab a bagel or something, will you?)

Adolf Hitler: Tried to be an artist but he was shit. So he became a psychotic mass murdering megalomaniac instead. Which is unfortunate.

Should have stayed a weatherman. Unfortunately, his light workload meant he had time to foster revolution, which lead to a fairly substantial career change as a nasty dictator. Good moustache though.

Telly Savalas: Successfully bald on both the big and small screen, then for whatever reason he decided to try singing. Entirely unnecessary. No-one was ever going to forget that he was bald.

William Shatner: Former godlike actor with a barrel chest and a non-specific speech impediment. Then he decided to do whatever the hell that is he's doing on those albums because it sure as hell isn't singing. (Bill, we love you, but seriously, stop recording albums.)

Lesson learned, MC JP McBeady No1? We thought so.

Now get your ass back to that film set:
Parenthood 2: Garry's Wild Ride isn't going to make itself you know.

[Ed's Note: Again, most of these images were found on Wikimedia Commons. Apart from the public domain ones, the others are licensed under Creative Commons or GNU or they're promotional or whatever. The Vanilla Ice and Stalin pics are both public domain, Bowie's hair pic is by Elmar J. Lordemann, Justin Lee Collins' hair pic is by Martinra1966. I'm honestly not sure where the Chuck Norris ad came from. Sorry Chuck.]