Wednesday, 25 February 2009


UK Release Date: 6 March 2009
Starring: Billy Crudup, Jackie Earle Haley and a whole bunch of
future ComiCon attendees

As with everything else on this site, and per the Second Rule* of The No Show, we have not seen Watchmen.

In the interests of full disclosure, however, we have to admit that we have read the comic books [Ed's note: To anyone about to say something, it is a comic book not a graphic novel, so shut it].

We both have copies of the original series (though mine sit in a box somewhere in my parents' basement 3,500 miles from here and are probably covered in crayon scribbles by my nephews because NO-ONE in my ENTIRE FAMILY understands the REAL value of collectibles. *Sheesh*).

We also both know the story involves this superhero owl guy, and another superhero guy with a black and white mask, and a big, kind of Silver Surfer ripoff type character. And a guy who looks like he welcomes new guests as they arrive in Vegas (and possibly stands in for Siegfried and/or Roy on their off days). And even a couple of relatively well rounded female characters too. Right?

Anyway, we read the thing and vaguely remember the plot.

So there's that out of the way, yeah? Great, on with the review:

Watchmen is going to be awesome.

There, done. You can go ahead and move on to something else now, we're done here.

No, seriously. It will be. Guaranteed. It has to be. Wil Wheaton said so. Twice. On TWITTER no less.

And the fact is that it better be awesome. Because if it's not, somebody's going to have to pay. Expectations are so freaking high for this thing that the fansboys and girls will be throwing themselves under passing buses in protest if even one iota of not awesome appears on screen. (Probably one of those Atheist buses too. Just for the irony.)

Remember: this is the comic book that gave birth to this whole interweb thingy. Or at least, it's the thing that got their mojo going. Right after porn, Watchmen is like the next thing on the list of things that made the internet thing popular really fast.

No but SRSLY it's for true: back in 1986, when the comics came out and everyone was all "Whoa like totally AWESUM" (that's how they spoke back then), rumours started circulating about a film version. At that exact moment, the finishing touches were being put on Internet 1.0. Next thing you know, the Web is born and everyone's all over it and asking "So like when is the Watchmen film happening bcuz it R so cool?" when not surfing for porn.

This was of course before everything got taken over by losers trolls and people with a disturbing fascination for cats. (Seriously, what the HELL is up with all the cats on here?)

By the time the actual film was finally put together by a team of magic elves working feverishly for months on end in a secret cave in North Hollywood, and following several trumped up very very important lawsuits (always a good sign on a film production), the interwebs had evolved to the point where celebrities were using l33tspeak well-known internet abbreviations in casual conversation to express their excitement at the film's inevitable awesomeness:

And so now, with the film rising on the horizon like some great big glowing thing peeking out from behind the glowing greatness of President Obama's Presidential Halo of Power, we are left with only one possible outcome: awesomeness.

Watchmen will be awesome.

It will not be slightly disappointing. It will not be just "OK" or "not bad". It will not not quite live up the comics, the ones we haven't read for 20 years but seem to recall really really liking for reasons we can't quite remember (something about it being "really real" and not having a happy ending). It will also not be so buried in CGI that we forget we're watching a live action film, nor will it be ruined by excessively wooden acting performed by actors whose names we won't remember after the credits role, names that if we could remember, we would then forever curse because they were so wooden.

And it will definitely not be yet another absolutely piss-poor piece of shit big screen adaptation of Alan Moore's work, like V for Vendetta, From Hell and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. They were just flukes.

No, Watchmen will be AWESOME.

Or it will be the worst thing in the history of cinema.

Because when it comes to Watchmen, there's nothing in between.

(And Twitter will fail due to overcapacity either way, of course.)

UPDATE: The Quietus thinks "[director] Jack Snyder has taken one of the greatest comic books ever published, and made the the single worst comic book movie ever to see daylight. Batman And Robin was Apocalypse Now compared to this."

UPDATE: The Motion/Capture review says "Zack Snyder's 'Watchmen' is a profound work of art, a beautiful, deliriously weird, meditative spin on a genre that is as American as jazz."

So there you go: The No Show - your one-stop shop for accurate reviews.

* For reference, the First Rule of The No Show is: Don't touch yourself in public, if at all possible.

Photos: Owl by Dr. Tarak N Khan/Some rights reserved; Who watches the watchmen grafitti by David Masters/Some rights reserved.


rodti said...

I'm going to leap to the defence of 'V For Vendetta', which was actually RATHER GOOD. Also that's the coolest picture of an owl I've seen in some time. That's the sort of owl that commands respect. The sort of owl that will probably turn into a sexy naked chick in your bathroom and then fight vampires.

MsMarmitelover said...

I love those twitter did you do that?
Sorry been a bit slack on the commenting but frankly rather exhausted from everything.
Saw Grand torino. Loved it.

Pauly said...

is iwoot leet speek then? i know kids say woot and it's something to do with games (not real games like popex) but "i want one of those" is like different and stuff isn't it?

The No Show said...

You are RITE, I am FRUBBISH at this. (It's just like old times, innit?)