Tuesday, 23 June 2009

MEGA REVIEW: The Top Seven Movies The No Show Will Not Be Seeing This Summer

Despite all evidence to the contrary, it is summer. That means it's time for MegaBig Multimillion Dollar Blockbuster Powerhouses with Extra Power and Explosions and Nudity and Merchandising and Hilarious Porn Films That Take the Original Blockbuster's Name and Make it Sound a Bit Dirty.

It also means it's time for...

The Top Seven Movies The No Show Will Not Be Seeing This Summer

Per The No Show rules, of course, we haven't seen any of these films, but they're so special that we're definitely not going to see any of them. No question.

1. Terminator: Salivation
UK Release Date: 3 June 2009

As movie timelines goes, this pretty much sucks. They should have stuck to the Back to the Future Formula for Time-Travel Film Success: good one, rubbish one, Western one. (Or the Seven Samurai Formula for Success in Everything: Good Original Japanese one, Pretty Good Western copy, Every Other Rubbish one).

Instead, Terminator goes all serious. Except it's not. It's Kindergarten Cop versus Batman. In the future. Directed by the Charlie's Angels guy. Not sure why anyone would want to see a film that follows the plight of the Terminators and their struggles with rust and the perils of excess salivation due to old age, but what do I know?

If this film were a bag, it would be: A man's clutch bag, something that people get excited about every few years but then shove in a cupboard in sheer embarrassment

Box-office final figure: £1bn (in nachos alone)

Porno version: Sperminator: Lubrication

2. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
UK Release Date: 19 June 2009

First, if you're a giant fuckoff robot killing machine from another planet, you don't disguise yourself as a giant driverless fuckoff robot killing machine truck/ helicopter/ missile from outer space. Try a pirate costume or a knight or a chef or a Scottish fucking housekeeper or a spooky fairground owner.

Second, why "The Revenge of the Fallen"? Why not "Transformers 2"? I'll tell you why. Because when you're Producer Director God Michael Bay, you never do what the audience expects. Just when your audience is expecting something to explode like BAM! you explode it like BOOM! You explode that thing in a totally different way. They never expect that.

With this in mind, Bay will no doubt be exploding things in new and exciting ways for years to come, in future titles like:

Transformers: The Passion of the Optimus Prime
Transformers: 120 days of Sodom (Japanese release only)
Transformers: Battleship Potemkin 2 (this time it turns into a big fucking yellow robot)

Box-office final figure: £575m (unless the summer weather finally turns up and children rediscover the joys of Swingball, in which care it'll earn around £3.75)

If this film were a bag, it would be: A really expensive colostomy bag. Overflowing. With no one to empty it ever. Then it would explode. (BAM!)

Porno version: Transgenders: Slice off the ballbag

3. Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs
UK Release Date: 1 July 2009

This is exactly the same story as Terminator if you replace Arnie with Ice and Sarah and John Connor with a mammoth, a tiger and a squirrel or whatever the hell that scrawny acorn junkie is supposed to be. In the first one, the ice travels through time to kill them and they run away. In the second one, the ice is even more dangerous because it's melting, just like the Terminator in Termintor 2, and now in three, things are rising just like in Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. I realise this ice age title says "dawn" but that's pretty much the same thing as rising. Plus, it features dinosaurs, just like Arnie in Terminator 3 .[Ed's note: ZING!]

This means we can look forward to Ice Age 4 in the years ahead, which will be all serious and star Christian Bale and be called something like Ice Age: Ice Ice Baby, featuring a giant murderous prehistoric Vanilla Ice.

If this film were a bag, it would be: A magic bag full of your crushed hopes and dreams.

Box-office final figure: A bag of magic beans that turn into a bean stalk.

Porno version: Spice Age: Porn of the (Spearmint) Rhino Whores
[Ed's note: And that's how to stretch a not veyr funny gag, ladies and g'men]

4. Public Enemies
UK Release Date: 1 July 2009

Not sure it was wise to hire Johnny Depp and Christian Bale to take the lead roles in what we assume is a fictionalised account of the rise of Public Enemy, but who are we to question Michael Mann? After all, this is the director who brought us Miami fucking Vice. I for one can't wait to see Bale bringing down the house with his version of "Pollywanacraka" or "Bring the Noise" as Depp cold-lamps behind him shouting "Are you aware of what time it is?"

One thing though: just because Christian Bale has a bad case of serious face doesn't mean he has to be in everything. However, the fact that Johnny Depp is in it means we're guaranteed meaningless sequels like Public Enemies: Voyage to the End of the Abyss or Public Enemies: Arrgh Arrgh, I've Got a Parrot.

If this film were a bag, it would be: A scrotum. Thin and rubbery and containing two bollocks.

Box-office final figure: Anywhere between £2.00 and £25,000,000. Rounding up.

Porno version: Pubic Enemas. EASY!!!

5. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
UK Release Date: 15 July 2009

I don't understand: is this actually going to star Prince? What does he have to do with Harry Potter? And are they calling him half-blood as part of some racist ploy to get tabloid attention?

If this does star Prince - and we at The No Show are in no position to confirm or deny this - I expect complaints. After all, this is the man who sang about a girl named Nikki who was a "sex queen" who he met "in a hotel lobby masturbating with a magazine". Is this the kind of thing we want to show our kids? They say these were the books that got our kids reading again. No wonder they're all such fucking spasmo hoodie knife-crazy fucknuts. Ban this sick filth.

If this film were a bag, it would be:
A wizard's sleeve. Make of that what you will.

Box-office final figure:
Every single penny in the known universe, leaving JK Rowling so wealthy she will be granted ownership of the Isle of Wight, just in case she ever tries to withdraw her money from the bank.

Porno version:
Hairy Putter and the hard wood ponce [Ed: That really is bloody rubbish.]

6. G-Force
UK Release Date: 31 July 2009

All you need to know is this. The G stands for "gerbils". The Force stands for "force". If you've seen Ultimate Force with Ross Kemp or Ross Kemp on Gangs, this is like those, except replace Ross Kemp with a gerbil and everything else with loads more gerbils. That's it.

It's like an animated Mission Impossible with gerbils in which the gerbils have to escape through Tom Cruise's back door [Ed's note: Back door can mean two things and we definitely mean the hard wooden one that closes off the end of Tom's long passage. And yes, we know how that sounds but really, that's you, not us.]

If this film were a bag, it would be: A brown paper bag. Innocent on the outside but full of filth on the inside.

Box-office final figure: 18p (or however much pocket money seven-year-old children get these days)

Porno version: G-Spot Force (they just make it too easy)

7. Land of the Lost
UK Release Date: 31 July 2009

Will Ferrell. Anna Friel. Dinosaurs. Time-travelling robots. Once again, a TV show no-one remembers becomes a film no-one will see. It's The English Patient all over again*.

Land of the Lost will undoubtedly be a work of cataract-inducing arse candy, like a Brendan Fraser film where you replace Brendan Fraser with a giant cancerous tumour and the action swirls around the cancerous tumour for two hours telling the kinds of jokes that wouldn't even make it in an Adam Sandler film. A film so bad I can't even be bothered to track down a picture of Will Ferrell's head and stick it on the body of Benjamin Linus (from Lost) and then add a badly drawn picture of a dinosaur gnawing on his testicles. You'll just have to imagine it.

If this film were a bag, it would be: One of the blue ones you get from corner shops that rip instantly.

Box-office final figure: Nothing It will be the first major blockbuster since Speed Racer to be seen by absolutely no one.

Porno version: Labia of the lust 2: Spunk in my hair.

7. GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra
UK release date: 7 August 2009

I used to play with GI Joe when I was kid, except in Great Britain we called him "Action Man". Which is unfortunate because instead of sounding like a powerhouse of military might, he sounded like some kind of slimy plastic swinger looking for a good time on a Saturday night.

If the directors of this piece of genius follow the story that I came up with for my GI Joe/Action Man, Joe will fall off a roof, be rescued by Han Solo and Steve Austin, get a spaceship to rescue a teddy bear who is being held prisoner by a dragon and/or a football who was like a terrifying blob monster if my mum asked. When Joe arrives he is kidnapped and tied to a chair and me and Barry Teller, my next door neighbour, shot him with an air rifle. Then I took Joe inside and we watched The Clangers and ate Mojos.

If they follow that storyline to the letter, this film will rule and be awesome. But they won't. They never do.

If this film were a bag, it would be: A school lunchbag. The kind that looks just cool enough for Billy Faversham to steal from you at lunchtime because Barry Teller won't help defend you and he's an idiot.

Box-office final figure: A gajamzillion dollars.

Porno version: GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra already sounds like a porn film

* You didn't know? The English Patient started out as a sitcom, but didn't really work. Turns out people really don't find burn victims funny. However, Willem Dafoe did steal the show as David Caravaggio, the thumbless thief . His hilariously ironic catchphrase "I'm all thumbs" took the world by storm. Especially in some of the more literal Middle Eastern countries, where thumb removal quickly became the punishment of choice for thieves, just so those enforcing the law could shout the catchphrase. It continued to draw appreciative applause from the crowds for years afterwards.

Also: all these photos were found on Wikimedia Commons. Some rights apply, or something.

Monday, 15 June 2009


UK release date: 17 July 2009
Starring: Sam Rockwell and Kevin Spacey

Duncan Jones (aka Zowie Bowie, son of David Bowie). Sam Rockwell. Kevin Spacey (as the voice of the robot). The Moon. Put them all together and what have you got?

A recipe for one of the gayest romps ever to hit the big screen.

That's right ladies and gentlemen, they've only gone and done it: Moon will be the first film that finally - *finally* - explores the much-discussed-but-never-featured-in-a-mainstream-Hollywood-production love-that-dare-not-beep-its-name between a man and his robot.

It's been a long time coming [Ed's note: please refrain from bad sex-based puns]. After all, robots are totally gay. Just ask Bender. [Ed's note: Seriously. Stop it.]

Sure, we've all seen the erotic adventures of gay androids (gaydroids) in space (Star Wars). And we've certainly had same-sex couples in space (Han and Chewy, Han and Leia). And we've even had same-sex sentient animal-robot love (Chewy, C3PO). But this is the first time anyone has dared explore the nuts and bolts [Ed's note: final warning] of a hot and oily human-robot gay love affair in space.*

Oh sure, some have tried to tackle the subject in metaphor, but it's never been convincing or erotic enough. For example, the various Terminator models were obviously just mechanical stand-ins for big ol' leather-clad bulls looking for a good time on a 20th-century Saturday night. (Sometimes a cigar really isn't a cigar, is it Arnie? Sometimes, it's just a big stinky penis metaphor.)

And I'm pretty sure we all knew what HAL 9000 was after when he whispered, "Daisy, Daisy/Give me your answer do/I'm half crazy/all for the love of you" while slobbering over "a bicycle built for two", evoking images of daisy chains and hot, sweaty, throbbing red spots.

Until now, no-one has had the courage to turn the spotlight on the electromomechanosexual in us all.

Some would argue that society isn't ready for gay robot-man love. They would point to the fact that Adam Sandler's comedy pilot "Gay Robot" was never aired. They would be wrong. That show never aired because it was shit and based on a shit sketch from one of Sandler's shit albums. One horny gay robot trying to convince heterosexual human males to gay him. And I'm going to assume there was at least one joke involving a vacuum cleaner.

These naysayers are the same people who failed to see the love that blossomed between Dr Smith and The Robot in Lost in Space. The same people who ignored the undercurrents of rusty interracial love in Short Circuit.

Moon will set the record straight [Ed's note: I'll let that one go]. Based on the very little information we bothered to look up, apart from the title and the cast and the fact that it wasn't a biopic on Moon Unit Zappa, this film sees Moon-based miner Sam Rockwell probing for helium deep into the inner untouched parts of the Moon. [Ed's note: Seriously, enough.]

If that isn't sexy enough, he's alone and sweaty on the moon with a robot. A sexy, lonely robot voiced by Kevin Spacey who may not be gay but who is certainly prepared to stretch himself for his art. [Ed's note: Ok, that's bordering on unpleasant.]

Having not seen the film, we can only assume that the unspoken love between these two beings follows the tried and tested accepted
Hollywood Rules for Gay Love in Films, which are as follows:

1. Unspoken glances between same-sex persons are acceptable so long as one character looks uncomfortable with the situation.

2. Characters may brush up against each other by accident, but only crotch to butt - crotch to crotch brushes are not acceptable, even when one of the characters is metal. Lingering finger- to-metal digit contact will be tolerated. However, insertion of either digit into any part of the other being will cause the whole thing to be shut down.

3. Same-sex kisses must be quick, dry and inherently unsexy, usually followed by extreme hugging, hair tussling and, if pushing the boundaries, awkward and frankly ridiculous neck licking. In the case of gay man-gaydroid love, care must be taken as this may lead to electrocution and/or short circuiting. Under no circumstances will nipple/bolt licking be tolerated.

4. Gay sex encounters must be inherently seedy. Back alleyways [Ed's note: careful], cubicles in public toilets and tents on a mountainside are acceptable. Romantic settings with beds and sheets and candles and same sex couples are typically only seen when the same sex couple is female and there is usually another person watching and/or filming nearby. Probably in a closet with those slats they can peek through. And they usually join in eventually.

5. Gay sex encounters between men must border on violent - like really aggressive wrestling - and almost fully clothed. Unless you're Oliver Reed, in which case gay sex involves actual naked wrestling on a carpet in front of a large fire.

6. Spitting on the hand is now considered taboo because most non-gay persons didn't know what the hell it implied when Heath Ledger did it in Brokeback Mountain until it was too late. (See also Rule #3, re: electrocution)

Ultimately, this potentially groundbreaking epic will be let down not by its exploration of an unspoken moment between two sentient beings with similar genitalia, but by the sci-fi nerds in the audience who will giggle themselves to death while shouting "Danger Will Robinson" every time the Spacey gaydroid looks longingly at Sam Rockwell.

My only hope is that the ad campaign features Rockwell's builder's butt gracing billboards across the UK, revealing a tattoo that reads "All your butts are belong to us", enticing the audience in with the promise of the electromomechanical love that shall not beep its binary code. Maybe then this unnecessary taboo can be put to rest at long last.

It's not much, but it would be a start.

Must-see? Absolutely. This film must be given all the support it can, for the rights of gaydroids today and tomorrow.
Shatner Scale:
TJ Hooker. Because he could have been a gaydroid.

*Battlestar Galactica doesn't count. There were no gay Cylons, just threesomes with two female Cylon models. Which is totally not gay.