Monday, 15 December 2008

ALBUM REVIEW:
"It's Not Me, It's You" by Lily Allen


UK release date:
9 February 2009


There are two types of Allen: Woody and the Allen family. If you are Woody, then you are immune from abuse, no matter how much crap you've produced in the last 20 years, even if you marry your former step-daughter.

If you are a member of the Allen family at large, you are not Woody and therefore you are a talent-vacuum. The children are Mockney artistes who burst forth from their way-too-famous-by-half-even-though-he-can’t-act-sing-write-perform-but-can-get-his-willy-out-for-his-art-and-drink-and-go-to-the-Groucho-Club dad Keith.

"But that's not fair!" you say. "Stop attacking Lily and review the album itself!"

Ok then: in an internet first, we are going to interview the new album about what it’s like being an actual Lily Allen album:

The No Show: You're called "It’s Not Me, It’s You" - why is your name so annoying?
"I guess she thought it was clever. You know, she just switched the words "You" and "Me" around. She thinks that’s brilliant but I have to f**king live with it. Chinese Democracy and Circus both keep laughing at me, the c*nts."

The No Show: What's Lily like in real life?
"What do you f**king think? Every time someone plays me, her flat, tinny little voice drones out talking about her boyfriend, or council estate or crack or going on the lash. She’s a bucketload of annoying on CD and in real life."

The No Show: Why did you choose to work with her?
"No choice, mate. The Allens [except Woody] are like the mafia. Once they want something they get it. I mean, her dad Keith Allen is like the Naked Godfather or something. All because he flashed his willy for Shallow Grave. And look at that albino spunkstain of a brother of hers – he gets to go out with Ray Winstone’s hot kid and replace Harry Potter in that horse-shagging thing where he gets his old boy out. And of course Lily gets the girls our every chance she gets. It's the Allen Family shortcut to fame: get their kit off and everyone'll talk about them. Got no talent? Hey, look at my penis! Aren't my nipples interesting! Suddenly the world is your oyster. Sad but true."

The No Show: What is the difference between you and Lily’s first album, Alright, Still?
"Well, not a lot. Of course, Alright, Still sadly committed suicide a few months back. I remember him saying that the shame of that 'Smile' aberration and the fact that a girl who went to Roedean was singing about doing crack and ting like she was some working class hero was too much. In fact, if anything, I’m even more ashamed because not only am I a difficult second album, I’m a shite second album."

The No Show: What’s your favourite track on the album?
"Are you 'aving a f**king laugh? I’d rather have one of Elton John’s spunky farts on me than some of these songs. I mean just look at the titles:

The Fear: "Of f**king what? Not being noticed all the time?"

It’s Not Fair: "Oh for the love of God."

Dismiss You (AKA "Fuck You" "Get With The Brogram" "GWB" or "Guess Who Batman"): "AKA, I can’t take this anymore".

The No Show: And finally, what of the future?
"There isn’t one. I’m a one off. I could’ve been someone. But once she got her hands on me I was doomed."

[album flops over and starts crying]

And so we leave It’s Not Me, It’s You to his fate, destined for the bargain bin at the local Morrisons petrol station (now FREE with fill-up!).

Shatner Scale: Quincy cameo.
Must hear: No. The Allen clan must be stopped. Before someone gets hurt.

Tuesday, 9 December 2008

FILM REVIEW:
Yes Man


UK Release date:
Way too soon

Starring:
Jim Carrey and Zooey Deschanel


Simple ideas are always the best. Where would the world be without a round thing that moves other things? Hot stuff that cooks raw stuff? Puppies? Loads of extras blades on razors? A Police Academy film based in Russia?

In Yes Man, Jim Carrey has come up with the simplest film premise of all time: he's a guy who can't stop telling the truth. Oh wait, sorry, that's a different film entirely. In Liar Liar, sorry Yes Man, he plays a guy who has to say yes to everything - not for any good reason except he's wacky that way. This is based on a book by a British guy who comes up with mildly amusing one-off ideas and turns them into books and stage shows which are subsequently turned into films (see also: Tony Hawks, Dave Gorman, Mark Dolan, Dom Joly but especially Dave Gorman). His name is Danny Wallace and he has confused a one-off pub conversation with a career in comedy. Amazingly, so has everyone else.

Obviously, if you've seen Liar, Liar, you've seen Yes Man. Guy at a loose end does something extreme and wacky like tell the truth or say yes all the time, discovers life is worth living, laughs/cries along the way, learns a lesson, Randy Newman song plays out over end credits.

But we at The No Show don't play like that, so decided it was time to confront Mr Carrey with some HARD TRUTHS in the form of 50 questions that he couldn't possibly answer yes to. That's FIFTY questions people. Believe it.
  1. So Jim, is this film really any different from Liar, Liar?
  2. Has your move into "serious" acting with "films" like The Number 23 and The Majestic been a success?
  3. Will you ever ever make anything as good as Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind again?
  4. Are you still relevant as a comedian?
  5. Do you have more to offer as an actor than gurning, shouting and looking surprised?
  6. Would you really rather play one-joke British handjobs like Danny Wallace than complex and interesting characters like Andy Kaufmann, Truman Burbank or Horton?
  7. Should Ace Ventura be revived as a franchise?
  8. In the next Batman film, do you think you'd be well-cast as the Riddler... again?
  9. Are your adult movies better than your kids' movies?
  10. Did you enjoy your brief relationship with Renee Zellweger?
  11. Did your dong compare well with the rest of the male cast of In Living Colour?
  12. Did you enjoy working with Ben Stiller on the Cable Guy?
  13. Should the sequels to some of your most successful films (The Mask, Dumb and Dumber, Bruce Almighty) been allowed anywhere near a cinema?
  14. Do you think you look good with long hair?
  15. Was Fun with Dick and Jane any fun at all?
  16. Is working with Joel Schumacher - twice - a rewarding cinematic experience?
  17. Does The Number 23 make any sense?
  18. Will there be a sequel to Me, Myself and Irene?
  19. Jack Nicholson called you "The Jack Nicholson of your generation". Is he right?
  20. You are from Canada. Do you intend to move back to Canada any time soon?
  21. Do you think Canada wants you back?
  22. Are you really worth $20 million?
  23. Is the name Focker really that funny - because you wrote it?
  24. Will Yes Man be an interesting piece of work that leaves an open-ended answer rather than have a pat learn a life lesson ending?
  25. Was Renee Zellweger better in bed than Jenny McCarthy?
  26. If you weren't famous, do you think attractive actresses and Renee Zellweger would have slept with you anyway?
  27. You are soon to star in I love You Phillip Morris with Ewan McGregor. He's been in lot of good films, hasn't he?
  28. Seriously, the new Star Wars films were great, weren't they?
  29. In The Number 23, there's a character call Topsy Kretts, is that the best name for a character ever?
  30. In Fun with Dick and Jane, you starred with Tea Leoni. Did you or any of the crew manage to find her personality?
  31. In Lemony Snickett's A Series of Unfortunate Events, you starred with Meryl Streep. Do you think your performance, which clogged up most of the screen, was better than Meryl's relatively brief appearance?
  32. Your co-star in Bruce Almighty was Jennifer Aniston. Have you seen any of her other movies?
  33. Do you think you should have got an Oscar for The Majestic?
  34. Your films just get funnier and funnier as your career goes on, don't they?
  35. Did you enjoy the witty banter with Tommy "Laugh machine Lee" Jones on Batman Forever?
  36. Next Christmas, we'll see you as Ebenezer Scrooge in A Christmas Carol. Do you really think anyone wants that?
  37. Are you happy about continually losing out on big roles like Jack Sparrow and Willy Wonka to Johnny Depp?
  38. Did you deserve the $25,000,000 for Bruce Almighty? And before you answer, remember: that's $12,500,000 per laugh and we saw those in the trailer.)
  39. Are you proud of Earth Girls Are Easy?
  40. Do you think your version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas has replaced the earlier animated version as a beloved annual Christmas classic?
  41. Do you think you'll ever go back and finish high school?
  42. Do you think you'll ever win an Oscar?
  43. Isn't that Jamie Kennedy funny in Son of the Mask?
  44. After taking on Danny Wallace's Yes Man, do you think you'd like to do a version of Dave Gorman's seminal one-joke TV series/book/website/tour/lecture I am Dave Gorman?
  45. Is Dave Gorman funny?
  46. Are you a better Canadian than Bill Shatner?
  47. Is a Jim Carrey movie (that's any Jim Carrey movie) better than the movie Carrie?
  48. You make a habit of playing damaged people or people who hide behind masks and voiceovers. Is that because you are such a good actor and so well-balanced?
  49. Have you ever been to Dundee (where Danny Wallace was born)?
  50. Terence Stamp is great. He was General Zod in Superman II and the voice of Jor-El in the new Superman TV show and he played the very cool transsexual in The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert and now he's starring in bloody Yes Man with you. Would this be a career highlight for him?
So. Wanna watch the trailer? Didn't think so...

Saturday, 6 December 2008

FILM REVIEW:
"Klaatu Banana Nikto!"
(aka The Day Keanu Stood Still)

UK release date: 12 December
Starring: A well-dressed plank of wood Keanu Reeves


Instead of reviewing The Day the Earth Stood Still, which we all know will be an action- and CGI-packed remake of a much better film completely ruined by the thoroughly wooden acting skills of one Keanu Reeves (dude, go back to playing brain dead Bill & Ted types, MUCH funnier), we at The No Show have decided instead to feature the following recipe for Banana Muffins. Because, at the end of the day, which would you prefer: disappointment as Keanu fails yet again to convince anyone that he can do anything except stand still and look earnest while not doing much of anything at all on screen? Or a batch of delicious banana muffins, fresh out of the oven (yum yum)? I know which one I'd choose.

KLAATU BARADA NIKTO BANANA MUFFINS

Dry ingredients

280g self raising flour*
110g unrefined caster sugar
1 tsp bicarb soda
pinch of salt

Wet ingredients

3 ripe bananas
half tsp vanilla essence
90ml milk
90ml veg oil
1 egg

Topping
75g packed brown sugar
15g all-purpose flour
1 tbsp ground cinnamon (or according to taste)
15g butter (COLD)

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). Lightly grease 10 muffin cups, or line with muffin papers.

Mix all the dry ingredients together in a big bowl.

Put all other ingredients in a food processor and wizz until liquidised. If you don't have a processor mash bananas well with a fork and mix with other wet ingredients.

Pour wet mix into flour mix and fold in with a spoon until combined (don't overmix).

For the topping

In a small bowl, mix together brown sugar, 2 tablespoons flour and cinnamon. Cut in 1 tablespoon butter until mixture resembles coarse cornmeal. Sprinkle topping over muffins (before you bake).

Or, if you have a processor, put everything in and whizz until mix resembles breadcrumbs

Bake in preheated oven for 18 to 20 minutes, until a toothpick inserted into the centre of a muffin comes out clean.

*Mixture shouldn't be too runny - if need be, add extra flour.

Best. Klaatu Barada Nikto Banana Muffins. Ever.

And MUCH better than The Day The Earth Stood Still. Promise.

Wednesday, 3 December 2008

Patrick Swayze:
Not Dead Yet

Despite earlier reports that Patrick Swayze was on his deathbed due to the cancer, The Swayze himself came out swinging this week, calling up People magazine from his deathbed very-much-alive bed to say that it was all "lies and false information". (Which are more or less the same thing, but we're not going to push it - the man isn't well after all.)

Now, we’re not man crushing on The Swayze or anything, but we're surely a man as mighty as he could never be taken down by something as crude as cancer? Gun shot? Sure. Hit by a car while in mid-flight firing two guns simultaneously at a band of terrorists? OK, maybe. Nudged hard by a fellow dancer while performing the always compelling but sometimes life threatening flying swan lake lift? Absolutely. But cancer? We refuse to accept it.

This is the man, after all, who would never let Baby be put in a corner.

She's like the wind. Very heavy wind.

This is the man who made sweet, sweet, sloppy slimy pottery love to Semi Moore, before she divorced Bruce Willis, shaved her head, worked out, became a man, changed her mind, bought some boobs and married a man-boy to prove once and for all that Bruce Willis wasn’t the one who ended things, dammit.

If we keep spinning this thing, d'you think it'll get all penis shaped?

This is the man who turned a slimy motivational paedophile into a darned lovable character.

All about the positivity, to emphasise the depravity.

So, here’s to Patrick Swayze, with his dazzling smile and lovingly plastic good looks – keep that carefully sculpted chin up, my dancing fool friend. We’re thinking of you. And there’s a good chance that at least one of us would not say no to a bit of bum loving from the Swayze. If he asked. (So long as we could be on top and if he agreed to let us call him Patricia throughout. Plus he’d have to let his hair grow.)

And we ask that anyone out there who spots The Swayze, be it at a local pharmacy buying up all the vitamins in sight or wandering the streets in a daze, peddling his best Dick Van Dyke impression, give him a pat on the shoulder, ruffle his hair (careful you don’t cut yourself) or just a good old shake of the hand. And if (knock on wood) you should ever be struck by the cancer, you can say "If it’s good enough for The Swayze, dammit, it’s good enough for me.”

Patrick Swayze we salute you.

(Not to be mistaken for this man.)



Remember: no-one puts Swayze in a deathbed!

Tuesday, 2 December 2008

Heroes Exclusive:
The Greg Grunberg Twitterview

For the foul-mouther pimply teens among you (and I know there are a few of you, mostly here for the rude words), Greg Grunberg is best known for playing that guy who gets killed in JJ Abrams' partially-seen monster spectacular, Cloverfield. Or that other guy who gets killed in the JJ Abrams remake of The Prisoner, better known as Lost.

For those of you born before 1994, he's best known as Eric Weiss, the always excellent foil to Jennifer Garner's various wigs in Alias (FYI, best thing JJ Abrams ever did - seriously).

For the even more ancient among you, he's Sean Blumberg in Felicity - sorry, can you all hear me over the sound of your walkers scraping against the linoleum floor in the Old Folks Home? Ok then. Yes, he was in Felicity, yet another JJ Abrams show but one I never saw because I'm a man and there were no guns, spies, partially seen monsters or zombies in it. (Oh who am I kidding, I couldn't watch it because the subtly touching human melodrama had me weeping so much that I couldn't focus on the screen long enough to last a full episode.)

But for the vast majority of you, Greg Grunberg is of course known for his role as the eye squinting, head tilting, mind reading, teleporting, turtle loving former cop and full-time Hero, Matt Parkman on the ultra super cool, entirely non-JJ Abrams -related cult hit show Heroes, now in its third nail biting and always wonderfully confusing third series.

With all of this in mind, it is with no small amount of pleasure and obsequiousness that we at The No Show can announce that we have secured, via the magical world of Twitter, an actual for real interview with an actual celebrity who is currently appearing in a TV show that we actually watch: Greg Grunberg.

And so, here, for your reading pleasure, is the full transcript of the magical exchange, word for word, just as it took place:

@greggrunberg Any time for a Twitterview? Q1: On a scale of 1-5*, how awesome is this season of Heroes? Q2: Will it get even more awesomer?

greggrunberg @thenoshow A1) I'd say this season is about a 4+ so far. A2) This season goes to 11.

@greggrunberg That's a lot of awesome. I may have trouble sleeping tonight. Thx.

And there you have it: Greg Grunberg - "Grunny" to his mates - is cranking the Heroes awesomeness to 11, people. Be prepared to have your tiny minds blown by his squinting eyed, head tilting madness in the coming months.

Coming Soon: @wilw and @greggrunberg - the Twitter Conversations

* 1 being William Shatner in original Star Trek, 5 being William Shatner in a Quincy cameo.

Monday, 1 December 2008

ALBUM REVIEW: Intuition by Jamie Foxx

UK Release date: 16 December


Is there nothing this man can’t do?

He can act (Ray).
He can sing (Ray).
He can play the piano (Ray).
He can pretend to be blind (Ray).
He can sing, act, play the piano
and pretend to be blind at the same time (Ray).
He can do comedy (Ray and his feebly titled DVD, I Might Need Security – because, y'know, he’s not crazy or dangerous or popular enough to really need security right now, but he might, eventually or at some point in the future, get crazy or dangerous or popular enough to need it. But not right now.*)
He can misspell Fox (Foxx).
He can drive (Ray).

Sadly, Foxx has been so busy recently with films (Ray) and his world famous cat sanctuary and salad dressing emporium that he’s had to put his burgeoning music career on the backburner.

Butnow, thank Jehovah, Buddha and Allah, he’s back with Intuition.

There can be no doubt that is a smooth selection of party jams, smooth soul grooves, jazz-lite confections and slick RnB – all powered by Foxx’s Oscar-winning talent, bravado and star presence and general Oscar-worthiness. Did we mention he won an Oscar? For Ray? Which is a film he made?

We expect Foxx to get Foxxy on tracks with creative and endlessly ambiguous titles like Lick You All Over (Touch My Nut Sack), Courvoisier, Champagne and Tang, and our favourite, Ain’t Nobody (Humpin’ Mo').

And he’s really gonna get the party started with jams such as Get This Muh'Fuh Party Started Right (extended Muh'Fuh mix), Get Up and Dance (Blind Muh'Fuh mix), Get On the Muh'Fuh Floor and Do It Muh'Fuh Style, and the now legendary Shake That Muh'Fuh Ass Muh'Fuh (or I’ll do another bad remake of an overrated TV show. Fuck Miami Vice – maybe this time I’ll remake MacGyver, Murder, She Wrote or Brideshead Revisited or Babylon 5, bitch).

So, if you like comedians who become actors who become musical actors who become musicians who starred in Dreamgirls who then go back to making movies then we suggest you buy anything by Eddie Murphy.

Shatner Scale: Denny Muh'Fuh Crane.
Must see: Maybe. Because the man is blind and drove a car on film (Ray) and that's gotta count for something.

(What do you mean...? He's NOT? Seriously? Wow. He should get an Oscar for that... He did? Well OK then.)

* NO SHOW DISCLAIMER: That bit about I Might Need Security should not be construed as an actual No Show review because I’ve seen it so I can’t review it. But trust me, he does not now, nor will he ever need security. And it’s shite.

Wednesday, 26 November 2008

Coming eventually
to a cinema near you:
War Monkeys


Straight from The Hollywood Reporter: "Sammo Hung is negotiations to star in War Monkeys, a horror comedy shaping up to be the biggest feature yet from the independent arm of Dark Horse Films."
"The horror comedy follows two janitors who, during a Christmas holiday, get trapped in an underground research facility after accidentally unleashing military-trained Rhesus monkeys. Hung is one of the janitors who battles the rabid simians."

The No Show would just like to go on record as saying that this is possibly the most awesomest idea ever.

Assuming Dark Horse hits its proposed start date of "early 2009", we at The No Show are already planning our 2009 Xmas holidays* around the inevitably-festive release date of what could well be the most highly anticipated event in cinematic history. Ever.

And it will definitely be better than the pitiful remake of Planet of the Apes. "Damn you straight to hell" indeed.

*We're going to assume that, even with a mix of real, animatronic and CGI monkeys, this puppy will be in the can and on a screen near within nine months, start to finish. Even with international distribution delays. Because when something's as good as what War Monkeys is gonna be, nothing can stop it. Monkey style.

Photo taken by Kabir Bakie at the Cincinnati Zoo May, 2005, reproduced here under the Creative Commons Share Alike 2.5 License

Monday, 24 November 2008

Oldboy: Smith & Spielberg must be stopped


While the many many (Ed's note: two) scribes here at The No Show will usually opt for laughs over accuracy or detail, news is reaching our ears that Will Smith seriously wants to remake Oldboy. (Not the film, apparently; the original manga.) And he wants to remake Oldboy with Steven Spielberg. And Dreamworks. And the co-scriptwriter behind I Am Legend.

With this in mind, I feel I need to drop the whole "funny" thing and get down to brass tacks: they must be stopped. By any means.

Smith and Spielberg and Dreamworks and
I Am Legend screenwriter and Hollywood in general Must. Be. Stopped. Doing. This. Shit.

Frankly, I don't care if they're remaking the film or the manga or the book of the film of the promotional napkin of the book of the film of the manga. They just have to be stopped.

Why? First, a quick recap of the film/manga: Oldboy follows a man's kidnapping, his years of imprisonment in a private jail/locked hotel and quest for revenge when he is let go, more or less arbitrarily.

Now, I haven't seen the original film. But that's not the point - I haven't seen any of the stuff we review here. Here's the real problem: from the many many minutes of searching I did on the internets, I have discovered that the most memorable bits of the films involve a hammer as a weapon; the removal of a tongue by the owner of said tongue; the actual eating of something best described as "living sushi" (octopus - the internets cannot confirm whether this was prepared or just chomped on, though it does claim that four living octupi were chomped for the scene*); quite a lot of incest and a few suicides. Oh, and an ambiguous ending.


Now, what are the chances that Smith and Spielberg and Dreamworks and I Am Legend co-screenwriter and Hollywood in general are going to be able to do ANY of that on screen? Have THEY seen the film or the manga or whatever? Because I haven't and even I know there's no way any of that's going to end up on several thousand screens across the US.

And if it's not, then what is the point? Does the world need a watered-down version of Oldboy? No it does not.

Oldboy has a specific audience: hardcore fanboys of Asian "world" cinema (translation: more gore = more box office). But it surpassed it's own limitations by throwing up philosophical (sometimes existential, often nihilistic) questions in the midst of the carnage, as only truly awesome kung-fu flicks will do. (And again, I haven't seen Oldboy. But I do have an MA in Eng Lit from university. So this is all relevant.) But while Oldboy can get away with examining the nature of violence mid-punch, Will Smith and the rest do not. American-made action films are all action for action's sake and pithy comebacks and happy endings and the hero coming out victorious with his moral centre shaken but not stirred.

Oldboy is no hero. He's no anti-hero. He's just a mess. And not like a Will Smith as Hancock mess, we're talking proper fucked up incest and cut out tongues and chomping on octopus kinda nasty shit. So Will Smith and his might-be-Scientologists crew really really really need to be stopped and give the money they would spend on this film to charity. Or go remake The Man in The White Suit. Buy stocks. Anything. Just do not remake Oldboy.


The world of cinema would be ever so grateful.

We now return you to your otherwise hilarious world of No Show antics.

(* When asked whether he felt sorry for the actor having to eat the living octopus, the director replied, "I feel worse for the octopus". Violent AND funny. Eat THAT Smith!)

Friday, 21 November 2008

THE NO SHOW
CELEBRITY STAR INTERVIEW:
Max Baldwin

In the first of what may or may not turn out to be an irregular weekly slot, we interview family members of famous people.

This week: Max Baldwin.
Alec Baldwin, not necessarily drunk
Max Baldwin requires no introduction. Sorry, scratch that: Alec Baldwin requires no introduction. Max Baldwin on the other hand requires a lot of introduction. Max is the youngest and newest member of the outrageously lucky talented Baldwin acting dynasty, and has set his sights on breaking the family trend and becoming a fabulously successful actor, instead of another Baldwin who gets gigs because he's called Baldwin.

Noshow: Welcome, Max Baldwin.

Max Baldwin:
Hi and welcome, I'm Max Baldwin.

Noshow: Yes. Thank you. So, we understand that you're starring in a new film Buffalo on a Turnpike, which is out on DVD this week, is that right?

Max Baldwin: Yes, that's right, and I'm very excited because this is the very first English language film that has ever entirely by-passed the cinema, rental stores and shops, and gone directly to gas station bargain bins across the US.

No Show: Buffalo on a Turnpike - or BOAT as the fanboys are calling it - is the story of an obese cop who has to hunt down a serial jaywalker, while at the same time dealing with own weight and sweat issues. Why is it called Buffalo on a Turnpike then?

Max Badwin: Well, the company behind the production, Turnpike Motorcycles, decided that it wanted to have a dramatic title to catch people's attention.

No Show:
Catch their attention while buying gas, you mean?

Max Baldwin:
Indeed, and I agreed with them: if you watch to catch flies, you have to use a little honey after all. Am I right?

No Show: Why would anyone want to catch flies...?

Max Baldwin: And after Stephen had so much success with Shark in Venice and Daniel was nearly Oscar nominated for Beach Party at the Threshold of Hell and William, not Billy, knocked it out of the park with his performance in American Fork, I thought this title had possibilities.

No Show: Kill flies, sure. But catch them? That's just weird.

Max Baldwin: I also felt I had to show a different side to the Baldwins. Everyone knows us as super-talented, politically active guys with marriage, weight, alcohol and drug issues, but actually we're just regular guys who like to kick back and watch a game with a brewski. And some coke. And a few choice hookers we know. But only if the wife's away. And that's why I made Buffalo. For all the regular guys.

No Show: And for Turnpike Motorcycles. Correct me if I'm wrong - and I admit, this is just my expert opinion - but isn't this some sort of promotional film for Turnpike Motorcycles?

Max Baldwin: No no no no, they're the producers, that's all. We were given total creative freedom. They just put up the money. And all of their top of the line Turnpike Motorcycles, including the Powerhouse SX5000 which is now available with convenient financing options at Turnpike Motorcycles outlet near you.

No Show: And what about Alec? He's kind of... how can we put this... inexplicably successful right? Is he impressed by your work?

Max: Alec is successful? Really? Well, he can't successfully spell Alex, can he? I mean that's his name. He's done ok but you can't really compare him with Billy, sorry, William, Stevie, sorry Stephen and whatshisname, sorry Daniel. They're the real go getters. But to answer your question: Alec personally called me up himself when he heard about my successful entry into the gas station DVD record books and said "Nice one y'little pig face". So I'd guess you could say he's impressed.

No Show: Or drunk. And mistakenly calling you instead of his daughter.

Max Baldwin: Yes. That is a possibility. But I prefer to think of it as validation and approval from one Baldwin to another.

No Show:
That's all the time we have for this week's semi-irregular celebrity interview. Our thanks to Max Baldwin for his time.

Max Baldwin:
And to Turnpike Motorcycles.

Noshow: ...

Max Baldwin: They're awesome. Or I'm not Alex Baldwin.

Noshow:
You're an idiot. Goodnight from The No Show.

Max Baldwin: Welcome and goodbye! I'm Max Baldwin!

The pic of the Baldwin is from Wikimedia by David Shankbone under the Creative Commons Attribution ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.

Wednesday, 19 November 2008

GUEST FILM REVIEW: Twilight
(reviewed by Hawkblades,
12 years old but totally turning 13 in 9 months)

Release date: OMG!! totally really soon. this is gonig ot be teh COOLEST thing like evah!!!!!
Starring: some of like teh COOLEST AND HOTTEST AND SEXY actors and LOL. BEST. MOVIE. EVAR.

i totally look like him ZOMG!!!!
This is teh cool I am so stoked about twilight because me and Brad and Donna G. and Donna P. and Max and that butthole Carl are going to the 6am showing because that is like Twilight that is so rad because we will be watching Twilight at Twilight.

Donna P. says I look like Edward Cullen, he's liek teh cool vampire guy and he's totally emo and Bella Swan liek totally loves him in the movie but they can't be together because she is human and he is a total vampire. And that's like me and Donna P. Her dad thinks I'm a butthole and he won't let me see her and I'm all like screw you old man, I love Donna P. and she's all like I'm so hot for me and she's a totally Megan Fox so like Twlight is liek that Scottish guy who wrote that movie Romeo + Juliet, which was way cool when Leo D. and Claire D all had guns and were liek fighting and then kissed in the gas statuion and there was really cool music and the book, which we had to read at school was liek so crazy. So if you don't see tWILight, you are not a cool geek like Jared Leto but liek those guys in that commercial who are like total geeks. Twlight is best, there are vampires and fighting and hotness and the vampires are totally awesome and it's like my life. No really, Donna P. said we like have to see it because its totally about us.
ZOMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shatner Scale: Whatevs. FAIL.
Must See: HEELLLLLLLSYEAHHHHH!!!!! OMGZ!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

FILM REVIEW: Max Payne
(reviewed entirely in bad doodle)

UK release date: 14 November
Starring: Max Wahlberg. No, wait, Marky Mark Payne.








Shatner Scale: Kirk
Must see: Yes. Because this is a film based on a video game, so it HAS to be good.

Monday, 17 November 2008

Film review: Australia

UK release date: Boxing Day
Starring: Nicole Kidman, Hugh Jackman and a lot of Australians


Big huge balls. That's what you need if you're going to name your film after a country. Giant cojones of lead that are impervious to all attack.

Just think about it. No one's had the swollen sack to call a film Britain, or China, or Denmark or even France. Even directors from crap countries like New Zealand, Lichtenstein and Vanuatu (apologies but, really, your countries aren't up there with the likes of Portugal, Morocco and Peru - and those are all barely scraping into the second division of nations) don't have the scrotal strength to name their celluloid odysseys after their own nation.

So just how big is director's Baz Luhrmann's bean bag? Well, imagine that sack that the Elephant Man wore on his head. Now double that - with both heads in there - and then double that. And that a rough approximation of the grain sacks that "Brass Balls" Baz has down there.


On the set of the film, stars (and I use the word loosely) Kidman and Jackman (also two lesser known members of the Justice League - Kidman, who can make anyone believe that she's a she and an actress; Jackman, whose special power is the ability to be both macho and intensely camp at the same time) were so impressed with Luhrmann's conker container that they would take turns shaving it and then polishing it with a chamois cloth each morning.

The film itself (and the country it is named after) is irrelevant when compared to Luhrmann's sperm satchel and its size. A two hour documentary of how he gets trousers big enough for that bad boy is what we want to see - does he only wear sarongs? Has he stolen Hammer's trousers? Does he just use a wheelbarrow? How does he sit down?

Oh and if you don't believe me about his onion bag then remember this is the man who put Terence Stamp in a dress; re-imagined Kidman as a French Whore; got us to think that Ewan McGregor could sing, dance and act; and tried to re-educate society to the fact that it was Shakespeare who wrote Romeo and Juliet... sorry, Romeo + Juliet (= just how big are those gooey boulders, Baz? You're messing with Shakespeare).

And the fact that he caved in to studio pressure and gave the film a happy ending does not mean his vast testes are any less vast. In fact, er, he wanted it that way. Yeah, that's right, it's the ending he wanted all along, like he told ABC News in Australia:

"You really think that on my films people tell me what to do? I don't think so," he said. "On my films I decide. I wrote six endings and I shot three... There is a death at the end of this film, but it's a surprise how that works."

The fact that he went back into the editing room and promised not to come out until it was happier and less sad and just what the audience wanted had nothing to do with compromising his directorial vision, like he also told ABC news in Australia:

"I'm going back to the mixing desk to finish it in 24 hours," he said. "It's right on the edge, we're right up against it. I literally have to, on Friday night, push that button. This is really dangerous, I hope there's no problem with the plane going back."

So there you have it: Baz Luhrmann. All man, all the time.

UPDATE: Rumours that the "surprise" death at the end of the film is that of Lurhmann's integrity have neither been confirmed or denied by anyone. Or asked of anyone. We couldn't be bothered. And we started the rumour.

UPDATED UPDATE:
All Australians hope Lurhmann's vast balls can duplicate the Crocodile Dundee effect and revive the country-continent's flagging tourist industry. Is there nothing this man's testes cannot do?

Shatner Scale: Kirk
Must see: Yes. Just for the balls.

Saturday, 15 November 2008

BOOK REVIEW:
"The Tales of Beedle the Bard" by JK Rowling


UK Release: 4 December 2008

I may be wrong, but isn't JK Rowling richer than God?

Seriously, if she wanted, couldn't she walk into any town hall pretty much anywhere in the world, open her purse and just outright buy the town with her small change? And then bulldoze the place and build a nice casino with the even smaller change lodged in the folds of the purse?

So why then did she decide that she would write yet another book? (She apparently wrote a bunch of other books about some boy wizard and no, it wasn't Johnny Mysto. I know, I was surprised too.)

OK OK, I know, she created the original handcrafted copies of Tales for friends and charity, but come on: surely she could have handed over the cash directly to the charity instead of wasting our time? Amazon bought one of them for £1,950,000 for Christ's sake. (AND they now insist on waffling on about it being an "artefact".)

So anyway, having decided to do this thing where she creates yet another something that makes loads of money with the good intention of said money being given to charity, why then publish a paperback of the stupid thing for general release, with only a more expensive "special edition" hardback giving some of the proceeds to charity? Everyone's going to buy the cheap as chips paperback and all that money's going straight into JK's already scary sized bank account.

UPDATE: All net proceeds from sales of this unnecessary book are going to charity. So it is An Good Thing. But still: JK darling, you're richer than God - just give your own money away. Then if you must, print up a few zillion copies of Tales and hand it out for free. There's no way you're going to run out of money. Unless all those lawsuits are cutting into your mad money?

Anyway, Tales of Beedle and the Bard is a thing from one of those other books she wrote, the last one I think and it was referred to in there so all these wannabe wizards will piss their pants with glee because oooh now they have a copy of the book that was in the book and how awesome is that and now I have to put on my wizard hat and take out my wand and wave it around and around and around and JK can go on pretending she's as Important and Literary as JRR Tolkein and that this is her Adventures of Tom Bombadil when she's at best an adequate storyteller with a seriously overrated talent.

Ok, that was harsh. I quite like the Weasleys. Don't tell anyone.

Shatner rating: Denny Crane
Should I bother? Buy it if you want - you're going to anyway, right? But give some money to charity too. That part's a good idea.

Thursday, 13 November 2008

MUSIC REVIEW: "Dark Horse" by Nickelback


UK release date: 17 November

According to the UK's Guardian newspaper, lead singer songwriter of Nickelback Chad Kroeger has the distinction of having written the worst song ever ("Rockstar" - "In summary, this song makes literally no sense and is the worst thing of all time").

He also has the distinction of the worst hair in rock, the worst dress sense in rock and being the lead singer of a band with the dumbest band name or name of anything ever named (except for "Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii", the kid in New Zealand - the courts order her name changed because it was stupid - Nickelback deserves nothing less).

Chad Kroeger's real name is "Chad Robert Turton". So he changed his surname and picked "Kroeger"? The freak.


Anyway, the latest horror to be released by this band that keeps topping the charts despite any evidence of any talent or quality songwriting or anything like that is called Dark Horse. And since the band is very very very literal in everything it does, I'm guessing it's meant to reflect the fact that Nickelback manages to sell millions of copies of their albums despite the fact that they are consistently shite. Which makes them a kind of dark horse. Right?

No. It does not. It makes them very very rich and popular with a lot of kids who themselves probably think they are "dark horses" when they are, in fact, fairly well off suburban rich white kids angry at the world for giving them pimples and stuff.

The fact that the Dark Horse album cover looks a bit like the Rolling Stones album cover with the zipper that really works is just sad. Especially because the Nickelback cover doesn't have a working zipper. Instead, it has a ridiculous big belt buckle, like the kind you would see on some guy in a cowboy bar or a biker bar who isn't really a cowboy or a biker but is in fact cruising for some greasy haired man on man action.

Speaking of greasy haired man on man action: according to Amazon - which is a website where you can find like totally everything by the way - the first track of Dark Horse is called "Something In Your Mouth".

The fourth track is called "I'd Come For You".

Track five is called "Next Go Round". And track seven is "Never Gonna Be Alone" while track nine is called "S.E.X.".

So Chad Kroeger is apparently horny like a horndog slamming its crotch against a mushy cushion for lack of any other bad hair action.

So why is track eight called "Shakin Hands"? Is the Chad-miester crashing out on us, dude? Is he bailing at the last second because he thought he was gonna git some S.E.X. with a study biker cowboy dark horse but instead ends up with a meet n greet? Or is "Shakin Hands" a euphemism for a hand job in greasy biker/cowboy speak? I wouldn't know.

Only Chad knows. And he's keeping it to himself.

Shatner Rating: Quincy cameo
Worth a listen? No. Please no. Someone must stop them - NOW!

The pic of Chad Kroeger is from Wikimedia and uses a GNU Free Documentation License thing.

Tuesday, 11 November 2008

FILM REVIEW: Zack and Miri Make a Porno



UK Release Date: 14 November
Starring: Elizabeth Banks, Seth Rogen, Gerry Bednob

Zack and Miri Make a Porno is a Kevin Smith movie by Kevin Smith. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking: "Porno. I like porno. I should go see this film about the making of a porno, yes?"

But Wait™ – think about it. Do you REALLY want to see a porno being made? Porno is like sausages and laws: everybody likes them, but no-one should ever see how they're made. Except for vegetarians and anarchists, who do not like sausages or laws, respectively. And if they saw either being made, they would probably try to disrupt things, which is the last thing you want when a porno is involved.

Also, think about this: pornography, as we all know, was invented by Leonardo Da Vinci, shortly before he invented the helicopter and the automatic coffeemaker, and just before he invented Dan Brown. Between his famous anatomically correct sketches of organs and body parts were steamy little vignettes of Leo and that hot stud from down the plaza, the one with the nipples like Roman coins. This is a FACT.

Pornography is also the lifeblood of the web (and New York's Central Park - see Steve Guttenberg) and the only thing preventing the internet from becoming a carefully regulated arm of the Department of Homeland Security.

But pornography on film? Madness. Who would want to sit in a cinema with a bunch of other people watching yet other people groping and penetrating each other if various ways with various body parts? Except Paul Reubens, I mean?

Kevin Smith would, that's who.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno
is a Kevin Smith movie by Kevin Smith, which means it'll be a Kevin Smith film.

In other words:

- Fast paced dialogue interrupted by long awkward pauses. Possibly drug induced.
- Pop culture references. Possibly drug related.
- "Slacker talk", ie "awesome", "dude", "whassup" "are you shittin me?"
- Kevin Smith., cameo or otherwise. Definitely drug inspired.
- Sluggish, dopey laughter. Possibly drug related or induced, definitely inspired.
- Jason Mewes. Possibly selling or buying drugs.

So, basically, this Kevin Smith movie by Kevin Smith will be a Kevin Smith film. But with Gerry "Go fuck a goat" Bednob. And that's gotta mean something.

So, to summarise: many many people like the porno, but don't want to watch it being made; absolutely no-one wants to see Kevin Smith naked; Gerry Bednob is very funny, mostly because he's old and swears a lot. Should you see it? Very possibly maybe yes.

Shatner rating: Denny Crane
Should I bother? Maybe. For The Bednob. The man is a genius.

Saturday, 8 November 2008

NO SHOW NEWS: UB40, Daniel Day Lewis, Bono and more

As the saying goes, No Show News is good news, so let's get it on.


Popstar in court over cartoon rat


Cod-reggae cover artists UB40 are to sue animation giants Pixar over the film Ratatouille, which they claim was plagarised from their hit song Rat in mi kitchen.

Lead singer One of the Campbell brothers said (in a strange Ja-fake-an patios): "Da ting is we wrote Rat in da kitchen about a rat who likes to cook and ting and den dis group of haters come along and make a film about it and don't even ask us and ting. We is well going to sue dem."

Pixar, makers of Toy Story, Cars, Wall-E and Finding Nemo said: 'Who the f**k are UB40?'

Breaking News:
Fish from Marillion may also be suing over Finding Nemo because it "had fish in it" and Gary Numan is also considering litigation over Cars. Because of the cars, and the things that are in them. According to a person standing near Numan, "Gaz is wary about opening himself up to lawsuits from David Bowie for, y'know, stealing his entire stage persona. So he might not sue. But he totally should."

Even more breaking news: This just in from the not-often-read Hurriyet Daily News (via Defamer.com) – "The mayor of Batman, a city [in Turkey] recently under scrutiny due to unsolved murders and increasing rates of female suicides, will sue the director of the movie Batman movie."

According to Hurriyet, the mayor is quoted as saying "The royalty of the name 'Batman' belongs to us... There is only one Batman in the world. The American producers used the name of our city without informing us."

According to other less reliable reports, Batman director Christopher Nolan is understood not to give a shit.



Day Lewis set to play Craig David


Oscar-winner and professional shouter (Silver Throat level) Daniel Day Lewis is set to play Craig David in a new bio-pic. Lewis is currently wrapping his latest Oscar attempt entitled Me, Me and Me.

"Me, me and me is the best film of my long and brilliant career. The director, God, is a personal friend and wanted me to do this for ages. Essentially, it's 15 hours of me, me, me shouting at meself, Meself, meself in a lovely mirror about whatever I want. Milkshakes, burgers, fries, you name it, I shout it... in a strange accent."

When asked about the upcoming Craig David biopic, Lewis twisted his beautiful face into a grimace, threw his beatific and sinewy hands in the air and enigmatically intoned: "I met him Monday, I took him for a drink on Tuesday..." At that point, this reporter walked out.

New Zombie movie gets the greenlight
Great news for lovers of the undead as yet another zombie movie is set to be unleashed. Not satisfied with Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, Shaun of the Dead, Flight of the Living Dead, Diary of the Dead, Land of the Dead, 28 Days/Weeks later, Zombie Strippers and Dead Set, Zombie-loving director George A. Romero is about to start shooting on his latest flesh feast, Dead of the Dead - but this one looks set to be a little different.

'In Dead of the Dead, or Dod as we call it, we will deal with the complex issue of zombie bereavement. It's about zombies coming to terms to their loss and bravely overcoming obstacles. How does a zombie husband deal with the death of a spouse while chowing down on his daughter's shin-bone? I've never really covered this ground before but I think it'll be a surprise."

Rumours abound that Meryl Streep, Liam Neeson, Kenneth Branagh and Sydney Poitier have all signed. Dead of the Dead opens next spring.


Cate Blanchett transparency problem

Pallid, Oscar-winning, poorly spelt Actress with a capital A Cate Blanchett (really name Kate Blanket) has admitted today that she is suffering from X-rayitis. A source close to Kate/Cate said: "The beloved should-be dame is becoming increasingly see-through and if you hold her up the light you can see her bones just like you could with those 79 cent X-ray specs from the back of comic books. She's wafer thin. It's a tradegy."

Blanchett/Blanket, who many people confuse with Nicole Kidman, has set up a charity for other suffering from this crippling ailment. For more log on to www.cateblanchettshouldstayoutofthesun.com

It was Radiohead what won it

In a staggering turn of events, it was revealed today that popular Oxford-born miserabilists Radiohead actually won the US presidency, before generously handing the title over to Barack Obama. Vocalist and self-proclaimed saviour Thom Yorke is quoted as saying: "When we decided to give our new single "After the dust settles, all that's left is a single tear" away in exchange for votes, we thought it'd be a decent joke but so many people wanted it that we ended up winning the damn thing."

The band deliberated on whether they were the right choice for president of the world's largest democracy and, while Yorke believes they were, he was outvoted by the bald one and the two others and handed the title to Obama.

"Hey, Radiohead is a democracy too," laughed Yorke - his first ever laugh.

Bono "does it for the kids"

As Britain cowers in fear of hoodies, knife crime and gangs of feral kids that look like that one out of Mad Max 2, U2 frontman Bono Vox (not his given name) has come up with an idea which may save the country from drowning in a sea of blood. His new charity "Make Puberty History" hopes to raise enough money to help teenagers cut out those difficult years between 12 and 19.

The man behind that song from Batman Forever and the one about zoos said in a statement: "I believe the one way to save these kids is to Make Puberty History. No spots, tantrums, loneliness, disaffection or wanking. I will save them because I am Bono Vox."

Funnily enough Bono Vox means good voice in Latin - no seriously, it does.


IN BRIEF


Gok Wan's name is funny

Yes it is. It just is. Not my fault, just is, alright?

Britain's next top Rod Hull
The hunt for a new hand to go up Emu's arse starts on BBC3 on Tuesday at 11.30 after three episodes of Gavin and Stacey and the complete third season of Two pints of Lager.

Buddha signs up for next season of The Apprentice
Headline explains story.


Correction: Hitler did NOT have only one ball


IN PRODUCTION

Daddy Daycare 3 - Crack Babies

Glengarry Glen Ross Kemp

The Incredible Elephant Man

All images licenced under Creative Commons Attribution ShareAlike 2.0 or in public domain, according to Wikimedia, which is where we found them, Ok? Ok.

Wednesday, 5 November 2008

Guttenberg naked
or Shatner venting?
Who could possibly choose?

When it comes right down to it, having to choose between video of Steve Guttenberg jogging sans pants through Central Park or William Shatner venting for 4 minutes about not being invited to George Takai's now possibly no longer legal gay Buddhist wedding, frankly, we just can't decide.
[via Defamer via YouTube via Videogum via... oh who the hell can even remember?]



ELECTION SPECIAL 2:
OBAMA - THE MOVIE



The No Show has already proven the value of completely uninformed and very biased opinion by calling the current election correctly well before the first results began to roll in.
This is just a FACT.

Now the United States faces a very complicated question: who will play the various people in Obama's as yet undecided Cabinet when the inevitable film version of his life is made, probably by Oliver Stone (or Michael Bay, with extra explosive White House action sequences and 17 limo versus helicopter versus subway car chases)?

The No Show has a few choice suggestions.

Barack Obama:
As we've already said, it's gotta be Steve Guttenberg. He'll tan up for the project, he's totally Method.

First Lady Michelle Obama: Whoopie Goldberg. She'll lose 75lbs, cut her hair and travel back in time to her Colour Purple days, so that she's young enough to pull it off, with the added benefit that she won't have to date Ted Danson this time.

Vice President Joe Biden Obama: Al Pacino. On stilts. Wearing a Nixon mask.

Chief of Staff Obama: With the announcement that Rahm Emanuel is taking on this role for real, it's gotta be Adam Arkin. Or maybe a pre-op transsexual Ms Doubtfire as played by Robin Williams not in drag. Every house needs a lovable faux Scottish nanny tranny!

Secretary of State Obama: The ghost of Grandma Obama, as performed by the large woman from Two and a Half Men. The one who plays the housekeeper. Whatsername. She'll spend the entire film burning rubber in a CGI WWII Army motorcycle with a sidecar. Solving murders and fighting crime.

Secretary of Defence Obama: Ed Norton in full Hulk make-up, but without prosthetics or CGI. So, basically, a green, angry Ed Norton.

Secretary of the Treasury Obama: A large potato, wrapped in dollar bills and tossed between all players throughout the first half of the film. Replaced by an albatross (played by Verne Troyer) that hangs around Guttenberg's neck for the second half.

Attorney General Obama: Kevin Costner, in the form of cobbled together clips taken from JFK and The Untouchables. Plus one moving scene from Dances with Wolves in which the young moustachio'ed Attorney General discovers that he is at one with nature and also in love with Mary McDonald who, it turns out, is Native American.

Secretary of Agriculture Obama: Gary Coleman in a burlap sack, bound at the top with a stalk of wheat. This will be kept near Obama/Guttenberg's Oval Office desk at all times for use as an ottoman. Or ye olde style "kickin' bag".

Secretary of Transport Obama: A framed picture of Tom Cruise in Days of Thunder. "Danger Zone" by Kenny Loggins will play every time someone looks too closely at the photo (except for Obama/Guttenberg - when he looks at the Tom Cruise photo, "Take My Breath Away" will play sexily in the background).

Secretary of Education Obama: Like the recent Dylan biopic, this role will be played by 17 different actors, all of whom have played teachers in other films, including Michelle Pfeiffer, Samuel L Jackson and Jon Lovitz. Each actor will be given 48 seconds of screen time in total.

Secretary of Energy Obama: Rosemary Clooney (played by George Clooney in drag).

Secretary of Homeland Security Obama: This role will be dropped by the time filming begins, when Obama brings peace to the universe by turning the world on with his smile.


And so, onward to victory in the 2009 Oscars!

(Or possibly 2010, if Harvey Weinstein screws us around on distribution.)

Obama picture courtesy Matthias W., published under the Creative Commons Attribution ShareAlike 3.0 Unported

ELECTION SPECIAL: Calling it for OBAMA



Before the US election results have barely even begun to trickle in, The No Show is going to go out on a non-ledge and say that Obama has won the election with an incredible unprecedented landslide, including all people on the planet voting for him apart from a few guys in Kentucky. But they were drunk and did it on a dare. They were later seen going into a closet for three minutes as their friends chanted "Tongue! Tongue! Tongue" while throwing back bottles of Thunderbird.

Obama has also been given a Nobel prize for both Peace AND Physics, for his work in negotiating settlement terms between the electrons and the protons (neutrons remain Switzerland-like in their neutralness). He has alo been awarded an honourary Oscar for a lifetime achievement and an Emmy for Best Performance By An Ensemble. The Grammy went to Sarah Palin, though many felt that Obama was robbed.

Going forward, The No Show believes that Barack "Steve" Obama's first 100 days as Principal of United States High School will see the tough-but-firm cool cucumber take on both the rockers and the greasers and bring peace to the whole gang, including Lulu, during a series of more intricate and complex song and dance routines.

The No Show also believes that Obama will be played by Steve Guttenberg in the inevitable made for TV film, instead of Will Smith because he will probably ask for money to play the role. Guttenberg will do it for bread crusts. And he'll do an awesome job of it.


UPDATE: Proving the worth of completely non-informed opinion, The No Show has proven its worth by calling the current election correctly well before the first results began to roll in. And now that we have been proven correct about this historically historical moment in historic history, we would just like to add our voices to the many many hundreds of Obama fans out there and say: Well done, sir. And we wish you luck in your future as Jesus 2.0.

All hail the conquering Messiah and welcome also to his cunning new ghost sidekick, Gramma Obama!

Monday, 3 November 2008

ALBUM REVIEW: Soul by Seal



UK release: 10 November

And so, Seal finally reveals that he is Dr Seuss.

Soul (by Seal) will showcase Seal's world renowned ability to swap or change the letters in his name to make song titles. Tracks include: Leas, Eels, Ales, Elas, Sale, Soul, Saul, Zeal, Teal, Sear, Sour, Veal (his pro-meat song - insert your own Heidi Klum (bucket) gag here), Keel (his tribute to musical legend Howard (Keel, not the bloke in Take That) and Vole (a song about how much he hates moles and how much he loves voles).

Seal had several hits in the Triassic period with Crazy, Kiss from a Rose and Crazy. Somehow, he has managed to make a very good living and marry a supermodel on the basis of these two (three) songs. He also sang on Adamski's Killer before making it his own song and calling it Seal Killer - after several Canadian seal killers he met on one of his many trips to Antarctica - where he is never mistaken for a seal because he's not white and fluffy. He is, however, a killer with the seal ladies (see picture).

Soul (by Seal) is a real return to form for the pock-marked prince of pompous pedestrian phiddle phaddle; it's an album of warm bedroom grooves that Mick Hucknall or Michael Bolton would be rightfully proud of. Others who would be proud to have made this album include Les Dennis and anyone who's ever had a tracheotomy.

Just as Nutbush City Limits contains no trace of Nuts and is thus fine of nut allergics (the weak-willed freaks), Soul contains no trace of soul so should be fine for anyone with a soul allergy such as Mick Hucknall, Gok Wan, Phish (the American band, funnily enough, is also allergic to Fish, him out of Marillion), Craig David, Sarah Jessica Parker and the cast of Peep Show.

Proof that Seal may well be a seal comes in the form of this album which contains his usual trademarked honks and howls as well as this tidbit of information: Seal proposed to German supermodel Heidi Klum on 24 December 2004 at 14,000 ft, in an igloo on a glacier in Whistler, British Columbia.[Source: Everywhere].

Soul is out soon and will be avoided by most.

Shatner scale: Miss Congeniality
Must listen: Maybe

Sunday, 2 November 2008

BREAKING NO SHOW NEWS
...da da da dada (that's the music)...
...Everyone is going NOSHOW...




ROGER EBERT:
HONORARY NOSHOW-ER


It seems that the world's third most famous film critic after The Noshow boys has decided that Noshow is the way forward. Big Rog (as we love to call him because of his massive cock) reviewed the film Tru Loved based on a mere 8 minutes.

As far as we're concerned, that was 8 minutes too long and Rog needs to see less films and have more opinions if he's ever going to get his musings on The Noshow.

THE WHOLE OF BRITAIN JOINS THE NO SHOW



It seems that the UK has gone Noshow crazy over the RossBrandgate (that's a trademarked word - use it and pay up). Millions of people who didn't hear the now-infamous radio show, nor read the transcript nor downloaded the podcast have felt moved, driven and opinionated enough to review something hadn't listened to.

We at The No Show haven't heard the show either but as we only review or preview future releases rather than things that happened in the past - for example, we wouldn't feel qualified to write a pithy critique of the Fall of the Prussian Empire or a bile-infused rant about the premiere of Ben Hur - we'd like to avail you of just some of the offerings from our fellow Noshowers around the UK:

Ethel Sparks, woman, Dorking: I haven't heard it, seen it or had any contact except what I read and I think it's mindless filth and they should both be shaved and made to eat the hair until they both get hairballs and die.

Craig Maelefaeces, artist, Crewe: While I think what they did is inexcusable, it was certainly Dadaist. Or possibly Engulfist. Either way.

Paul Daniels, no not that one, Perth: It was a f***ing disgrace what that little c**t Sachs did. Brand and Ross just telling him, straight out like a fucking man, like, that they f**ked his granddaighter, like coming clean and that. No secrets, and that. And that little c**t Sachs shops him to the police and now he's doing 10 years inside and that. It's a disgrace, has anyone got his granddaughter's number?

Maria Van Burnett, ex-man, address supplied but too boring to print: Brand and Ross are Britain's greatest entertainers and people. What has happened is just tragic. Of course, when I didn't hear the show or the podcast, I was disgusted but afterwards I put it into perspective. I've never seen anything with Russell Brand and that's why I love him so much, he's so funny. And I last saw Jonathan Ross at a music Festival in Chepstow, he was lovely and quite big. Leave them alone to entertain our kids - who will present Grand-children In Need now?

Who indeed?

CRUISE NEWS

Tom Cruise is in a new film. We haven't seen it. You haven't seen it. He doesn't look camp in any way. Here's the trailer. Review coming soon.

ALBUM REVIEW:
A Hundred Million Suns by Snow Patrol


Release date:
27 October


"A Hundred Million Suns". The title alone gives you the idea of just how pointlessly pompous this record from Ireland's 17th favourite band actually is. The sun is awesome in its unique power - that's it. One sun. One. By chucking in 99,000,000 other suns, the Londis U2 hope to harness that solar energy into their wailing excuses for anthemic whining.

Their last album sold 75 squillion copies even though it contained only one syng (this is an ancient but appropriate word meaning "not quite a song"), "Chasing Cars", which was the prequel to that plump lady's ballad "Chasing Pavements" and a sequel to "Cars" by Gary Numan (Greatest Song About Cars Called Cars Ever - a real shame that the Pixar/Disney film Cars didn't use it in the soundtrack as that would have introduced a new and very impressionable generation to the joys of the Numanoid).

The lead singer of the Costcutter Corrs shares one trait with the Numanoid: they are both called Gary. This is the only interesting fact anyone can find about Gary Lightbody, the vocal stylist of the Poundshop Pogues.

This record is bound to be played on football compilation DVDs, when a player misses a penalty or on the X-Factor when some ex-Butlins red coat losing out after barely whispering their way through a full aria from Tosca, or when some WKD drinking harlot loses her back-alley shag for the evening.

If A Hundred Million Suns was hair, it'd be a really tight perm with yellow tints that someone has set fire to.

If A Hundred Million Suns was an eye, it'd be one of those wobbly one that is actually looking at you but looks like it's looking at a point over your shoulder.

If A Hundred Million Suns was a leg, it'd be Heather Mills.

If A Hundred Million Suns was an arm, it'd be one of those post-industrial accident arms.

If A Hundred Million Suns was a nose, it'd be a clown's red squeaky Patch Adams nose.

If A Hundred Millions Suns was a pair of lips, they'd be chapped and cracked and full of sores.

If A Hundred Million Suns was a penis, it'd be yellowy and shrivelled like a peanut in the sun, the balls would be hairless - maybe just flying solo. One lonely oversided bollock with a sad little face.

If A Hundred Millions Suns was vagina - it would be Barbie's vag. Smooth and redundant.

All in all if you were going out with A Hundred Million Suns, you'd dump him/her swiftly.

UPDATE:

We have been reliably informed by a Mr or Miss (or Mrs) Poot Poot that a hundred millions suns minus one sun would, in fact, be 99,999,999 suns. We apologise for the incontinence.

(And for the record, we did NOT have sex with that woman. Sorry, wrong accusation.
We did not embezzle 1,0101% of the extra suns.)


Shatner scale: Quincy cameo
Must buy: No.