Wednesday, 5 November 2008
The No Show has already proven the value of completely uninformed and very biased opinion by calling the current election correctly well before the first results began to roll in.
This is just a FACT.
Now the United States faces a very complicated question: who will play the various people in Obama's as yet undecided Cabinet when the inevitable film version of his life is made, probably by Oliver Stone (or Michael Bay, with extra explosive White House action sequences and 17 limo versus helicopter versus subway car chases)?
The No Show has a few choice suggestions.
Barack Obama: As we've already said, it's gotta be Steve Guttenberg. He'll tan up for the project, he's totally Method.
First Lady Michelle Obama: Whoopie Goldberg. She'll lose 75lbs, cut her hair and travel back in time to her Colour Purple days, so that she's young enough to pull it off, with the added benefit that she won't have to date Ted Danson this time.
Vice President Joe Biden Obama: Al Pacino. On stilts. Wearing a Nixon mask.
Chief of Staff Obama: With the announcement that Rahm Emanuel is taking on this role for real, it's gotta be Adam Arkin. Or maybe a pre-op transsexual Ms Doubtfire as played by Robin Williams not in drag. Every house needs a lovable faux Scottish nanny tranny!
Secretary of State Obama: The ghost of Grandma Obama, as performed by the large woman from Two and a Half Men. The one who plays the housekeeper. Whatsername. She'll spend the entire film burning rubber in a CGI WWII Army motorcycle with a sidecar. Solving murders and fighting crime.
Secretary of Defence Obama: Ed Norton in full Hulk make-up, but without prosthetics or CGI. So, basically, a green, angry Ed Norton.
Secretary of the Treasury Obama: A large potato, wrapped in dollar bills and tossed between all players throughout the first half of the film. Replaced by an albatross (played by Verne Troyer) that hangs around Guttenberg's neck for the second half.
Attorney General Obama: Kevin Costner, in the form of cobbled together clips taken from JFK and The Untouchables. Plus one moving scene from Dances with Wolves in which the young moustachio'ed Attorney General discovers that he is at one with nature and also in love with Mary McDonald who, it turns out, is Native American.
Secretary of Agriculture Obama: Gary Coleman in a burlap sack, bound at the top with a stalk of wheat. This will be kept near Obama/Guttenberg's Oval Office desk at all times for use as an ottoman. Or ye olde style "kickin' bag".
Secretary of Transport Obama: A framed picture of Tom Cruise in Days of Thunder. "Danger Zone" by Kenny Loggins will play every time someone looks too closely at the photo (except for Obama/Guttenberg - when he looks at the Tom Cruise photo, "Take My Breath Away" will play sexily in the background).
Secretary of Education Obama: Like the recent Dylan biopic, this role will be played by 17 different actors, all of whom have played teachers in other films, including Michelle Pfeiffer, Samuel L Jackson and Jon Lovitz. Each actor will be given 48 seconds of screen time in total.
Secretary of Energy Obama: Rosemary Clooney (played by George Clooney in drag).
Secretary of Homeland Security Obama: This role will be dropped by the time filming begins, when Obama brings peace to the universe by turning the world on with his smile.
And so, onward to victory in the 2009 Oscars!
(Or possibly 2010, if Harvey Weinstein screws us around on distribution.)
Obama picture courtesy Matthias W., published under the Creative Commons Attribution ShareAlike 3.0 Unported