Thursday, 13 November 2008
UK release date: 17 November
According to the UK's Guardian newspaper, lead singer songwriter of Nickelback Chad Kroeger has the distinction of having written the worst song ever ("Rockstar" - "In summary, this song makes literally no sense and is the worst thing of all time").
He also has the distinction of the worst hair in rock, the worst dress sense in rock and being the lead singer of a band with the dumbest band name or name of anything ever named (except for "Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii", the kid in New Zealand - the courts order her name changed because it was stupid - Nickelback deserves nothing less).
Chad Kroeger's real name is "Chad Robert Turton". So he changed his surname and picked "Kroeger"? The freak.
Anyway, the latest horror to be released by this band that keeps topping the charts despite any evidence of any talent or quality songwriting or anything like that is called Dark Horse. And since the band is very very very literal in everything it does, I'm guessing it's meant to reflect the fact that Nickelback manages to sell millions of copies of their albums despite the fact that they are consistently shite. Which makes them a kind of dark horse. Right?
No. It does not. It makes them very very rich and popular with a lot of kids who themselves probably think they are "dark horses" when they are, in fact, fairly well off suburban rich white kids angry at the world for giving them pimples and stuff.
The fact that the Dark Horse album cover looks a bit like the Rolling Stones album cover with the zipper that really works is just sad. Especially because the Nickelback cover doesn't have a working zipper. Instead, it has a ridiculous big belt buckle, like the kind you would see on some guy in a cowboy bar or a biker bar who isn't really a cowboy or a biker but is in fact cruising for some greasy haired man on man action.
Speaking of greasy haired man on man action: according to Amazon - which is a website where you can find like totally everything by the way - the first track of Dark Horse is called "Something In Your Mouth".
The fourth track is called "I'd Come For You".
Track five is called "Next Go Round". And track seven is "Never Gonna Be Alone" while track nine is called "S.E.X.".
So Chad Kroeger is apparently horny like a horndog slamming its crotch against a mushy cushion for lack of any other bad hair action.
So why is track eight called "Shakin Hands"? Is the Chad-miester crashing out on us, dude? Is he bailing at the last second because he thought he was gonna git some S.E.X. with a study biker cowboy dark horse but instead ends up with a meet n greet? Or is "Shakin Hands" a euphemism for a hand job in greasy biker/cowboy speak? I wouldn't know.
Only Chad knows. And he's keeping it to himself.
Shatner Rating: Quincy cameo
Worth a listen? No. Please no. Someone must stop them - NOW!
The pic of Chad Kroeger is from Wikimedia and uses a GNU Free Documentation License thing.