Thursday, 13 November 2008

MUSIC REVIEW: "Dark Horse" by Nickelback

UK release date: 17 November

According to the UK's Guardian newspaper, lead singer songwriter of Nickelback Chad Kroeger has the distinction of having written the worst song ever ("Rockstar" - "In summary, this song makes literally no sense and is the worst thing of all time").

He also has the distinction of the worst hair in rock, the worst dress sense in rock and being the lead singer of a band with the dumbest band name or name of anything ever named (except for "Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii", the kid in New Zealand - the courts order her name changed because it was stupid - Nickelback deserves nothing less).

Chad Kroeger's real name is "Chad Robert Turton". So he changed his surname and picked "Kroeger"? The freak.

Anyway, the latest horror to be released by this band that keeps topping the charts despite any evidence of any talent or quality songwriting or anything like that is called Dark Horse. And since the band is very very very literal in everything it does, I'm guessing it's meant to reflect the fact that Nickelback manages to sell millions of copies of their albums despite the fact that they are consistently shite. Which makes them a kind of dark horse. Right?

No. It does not. It makes them very very rich and popular with a lot of kids who themselves probably think they are "dark horses" when they are, in fact, fairly well off suburban rich white kids angry at the world for giving them pimples and stuff.

The fact that the Dark Horse album cover looks a bit like the Rolling Stones album cover with the zipper that really works is just sad. Especially because the Nickelback cover doesn't have a working zipper. Instead, it has a ridiculous big belt buckle, like the kind you would see on some guy in a cowboy bar or a biker bar who isn't really a cowboy or a biker but is in fact cruising for some greasy haired man on man action.

Speaking of greasy haired man on man action: according to Amazon - which is a website where you can find like totally everything by the way - the first track of Dark Horse is called "Something In Your Mouth".

The fourth track is called "I'd Come For You".

Track five is called "Next Go Round". And track seven is "Never Gonna Be Alone" while track nine is called "S.E.X.".

So Chad Kroeger is apparently horny like a horndog slamming its crotch against a mushy cushion for lack of any other bad hair action.

So why is track eight called "Shakin Hands"? Is the Chad-miester crashing out on us, dude? Is he bailing at the last second because he thought he was gonna git some S.E.X. with a study biker cowboy dark horse but instead ends up with a meet n greet? Or is "Shakin Hands" a euphemism for a hand job in greasy biker/cowboy speak? I wouldn't know.

Only Chad knows. And he's keeping it to himself.

Shatner Rating: Quincy cameo
Worth a listen? No. Please no. Someone must stop them - NOW!

The pic of Chad Kroeger is from Wikimedia and uses a GNU Free Documentation License thing.


Anonymous said...

wow this makes you the worst critic in the world... i cant believe they allow people like you to post on the internet, im not saying this is the best album in the world, but a blatant attack on a band with a HUGE fan base with nothing more to complain about than pictures or hairstyles is just rediculous! maybe the reason you dont like nickelback is that you were listening to them when even your hand got tired of playing with your dick, maybe your just jealous of the music on this album because you spend too much time blogging about how you cant stand it that you havent gotten any action since 1980! either way, you should maybe rethink how you spend your time, and GET A FUCKING LIFE YOU WORTHLESS WASTE OF SKIN!

The No Show said...

First: why is Anonymous always so angry? First Dido, no Nickelback.

Second: "this makes you the worst critic in the world... i cant believe they allow people like you to post on the internet"

Anonymous seems to have failed to grasp the concept of The No Show: we're reviewing stuff on the basis of limited or no information, and definitely without having heard the album (or wanted to, in this case). But we agree that, yes, we probably shouldn't be allowed to post on the internet. It should be controlled and vetted and censored by the Taste Police at Nickelback HQ (oh Chad, may I run my fingers through your starchy hair... ow, I cut my finger).

Third: "maybe the reason you dont like nickelback is that you were listening to them when even your hand got tired of playing with your dick".

Yes. That is exactly the reason we don't like nickelback. Because of the hand thing. Nice burn.

Anonymous said...

Nickelback is definitely the greatest rockband of all time and this has to be one of their best alblums. if you dont think so than your an idiot. NICKELBACK IS THE GREATEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

wtf? why would you like this band?
the lead singer is greasey as fuuuuuuuuuck

Anonymous said...

Haha, I've always said Nickelback is the worst band of all time. Seriously if I hear "This is how you remind me" I just start punching people in the vain hope that one of them might be Chad Kroeger, or related to him or a Nickelback fan. You want to ban something from the Internet Anon? Ban the worst band of all-time - that's right Nickelback.