ROGER EBERT:
HONORARY NOSHOW-ER
It seems that the world's third most famous film critic after The Noshow boys has decided that Noshow is the way forward. Big Rog (as we love to call him because of his massive cock) reviewed the film Tru Loved based on a mere 8 minutes.
As far as we're concerned, that was 8 minutes too long and Rog needs to see less films and have more opinions if he's ever going to get his musings on The Noshow.
THE WHOLE OF BRITAIN JOINS THE NO SHOW
It seems that the UK has gone Noshow crazy over the RossBrandgate (that's a trademarked word - use it and pay up). Millions of people who didn't hear the now-infamous radio show, nor read the transcript nor downloaded the podcast have felt moved, driven and opinionated enough to review something hadn't listened to.
We at The No Show haven't heard the show either but as we only review or preview future releases rather than things that happened in the past - for example, we wouldn't feel qualified to write a pithy critique of the Fall of the Prussian Empire or a bile-infused rant about the premiere of Ben Hur - we'd like to avail you of just some of the offerings from our fellow Noshowers around the UK:
Ethel Sparks, woman, Dorking: I haven't heard it, seen it or had any contact except what I read and I think it's mindless filth and they should both be shaved and made to eat the hair until they both get hairballs and die.
Craig Maelefaeces, artist, Crewe: While I think what they did is inexcusable, it was certainly Dadaist. Or possibly Engulfist. Either way.
Paul Daniels, no not that one, Perth: It was a f***ing disgrace what that little c**t Sachs did. Brand and Ross just telling him, straight out like a fucking man, like, that they f**ked his granddaighter, like coming clean and that. No secrets, and that. And that little c**t Sachs shops him to the police and now he's doing 10 years inside and that. It's a disgrace, has anyone got his granddaughter's number?
Maria Van Burnett, ex-man, address supplied but too boring to print: Brand and Ross are Britain's greatest entertainers and people. What has happened is just tragic. Of course, when I didn't hear the show or the podcast, I was disgusted but afterwards I put it into perspective. I've never seen anything with Russell Brand and that's why I love him so much, he's so funny. And I last saw Jonathan Ross at a music Festival in Chepstow, he was lovely and quite big. Leave them alone to entertain our kids - who will present Grand-children In Need now?
Who indeed?
CRUISE NEWS
Tom Cruise is in a new film. We haven't seen it. You haven't seen it. He doesn't look camp in any way. Here's the trailer. Review coming soon.
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