Wednesday, 26 November 2008

Coming eventually
to a cinema near you:
War Monkeys

Straight from The Hollywood Reporter: "Sammo Hung is negotiations to star in War Monkeys, a horror comedy shaping up to be the biggest feature yet from the independent arm of Dark Horse Films."
"The horror comedy follows two janitors who, during a Christmas holiday, get trapped in an underground research facility after accidentally unleashing military-trained Rhesus monkeys. Hung is one of the janitors who battles the rabid simians."

The No Show would just like to go on record as saying that this is possibly the most awesomest idea ever.

Assuming Dark Horse hits its proposed start date of "early 2009", we at The No Show are already planning our 2009 Xmas holidays* around the inevitably-festive release date of what could well be the most highly anticipated event in cinematic history. Ever.

And it will definitely be better than the pitiful remake of Planet of the Apes. "Damn you straight to hell" indeed.

*We're going to assume that, even with a mix of real, animatronic and CGI monkeys, this puppy will be in the can and on a screen near within nine months, start to finish. Even with international distribution delays. Because when something's as good as what War Monkeys is gonna be, nothing can stop it. Monkey style.

Photo taken by Kabir Bakie at the Cincinnati Zoo May, 2005, reproduced here under the Creative Commons Share Alike 2.5 License

Monday, 24 November 2008

Oldboy: Smith & Spielberg must be stopped

While the many many (Ed's note: two) scribes here at The No Show will usually opt for laughs over accuracy or detail, news is reaching our ears that Will Smith seriously wants to remake Oldboy. (Not the film, apparently; the original manga.) And he wants to remake Oldboy with Steven Spielberg. And Dreamworks. And the co-scriptwriter behind I Am Legend.

With this in mind, I feel I need to drop the whole "funny" thing and get down to brass tacks: they must be stopped. By any means.

Smith and Spielberg and Dreamworks and
I Am Legend screenwriter and Hollywood in general Must. Be. Stopped. Doing. This. Shit.

Frankly, I don't care if they're remaking the film or the manga or the book of the film of the promotional napkin of the book of the film of the manga. They just have to be stopped.

Why? First, a quick recap of the film/manga: Oldboy follows a man's kidnapping, his years of imprisonment in a private jail/locked hotel and quest for revenge when he is let go, more or less arbitrarily.

Now, I haven't seen the original film. But that's not the point - I haven't seen any of the stuff we review here. Here's the real problem: from the many many minutes of searching I did on the internets, I have discovered that the most memorable bits of the films involve a hammer as a weapon; the removal of a tongue by the owner of said tongue; the actual eating of something best described as "living sushi" (octopus - the internets cannot confirm whether this was prepared or just chomped on, though it does claim that four living octupi were chomped for the scene*); quite a lot of incest and a few suicides. Oh, and an ambiguous ending.

Now, what are the chances that Smith and Spielberg and Dreamworks and I Am Legend co-screenwriter and Hollywood in general are going to be able to do ANY of that on screen? Have THEY seen the film or the manga or whatever? Because I haven't and even I know there's no way any of that's going to end up on several thousand screens across the US.

And if it's not, then what is the point? Does the world need a watered-down version of Oldboy? No it does not.

Oldboy has a specific audience: hardcore fanboys of Asian "world" cinema (translation: more gore = more box office). But it surpassed it's own limitations by throwing up philosophical (sometimes existential, often nihilistic) questions in the midst of the carnage, as only truly awesome kung-fu flicks will do. (And again, I haven't seen Oldboy. But I do have an MA in Eng Lit from university. So this is all relevant.) But while Oldboy can get away with examining the nature of violence mid-punch, Will Smith and the rest do not. American-made action films are all action for action's sake and pithy comebacks and happy endings and the hero coming out victorious with his moral centre shaken but not stirred.

Oldboy is no hero. He's no anti-hero. He's just a mess. And not like a Will Smith as Hancock mess, we're talking proper fucked up incest and cut out tongues and chomping on octopus kinda nasty shit. So Will Smith and his might-be-Scientologists crew really really really need to be stopped and give the money they would spend on this film to charity. Or go remake The Man in The White Suit. Buy stocks. Anything. Just do not remake Oldboy.

The world of cinema would be ever so grateful.

We now return you to your otherwise hilarious world of No Show antics.

(* When asked whether he felt sorry for the actor having to eat the living octopus, the director replied, "I feel worse for the octopus". Violent AND funny. Eat THAT Smith!)

Friday, 21 November 2008

Max Baldwin

In the first of what may or may not turn out to be an irregular weekly slot, we interview family members of famous people.

This week: Max Baldwin.
Alec Baldwin, not necessarily drunk
Max Baldwin requires no introduction. Sorry, scratch that: Alec Baldwin requires no introduction. Max Baldwin on the other hand requires a lot of introduction. Max is the youngest and newest member of the outrageously lucky talented Baldwin acting dynasty, and has set his sights on breaking the family trend and becoming a fabulously successful actor, instead of another Baldwin who gets gigs because he's called Baldwin.

Noshow: Welcome, Max Baldwin.

Max Baldwin:
Hi and welcome, I'm Max Baldwin.

Noshow: Yes. Thank you. So, we understand that you're starring in a new film Buffalo on a Turnpike, which is out on DVD this week, is that right?

Max Baldwin: Yes, that's right, and I'm very excited because this is the very first English language film that has ever entirely by-passed the cinema, rental stores and shops, and gone directly to gas station bargain bins across the US.

No Show: Buffalo on a Turnpike - or BOAT as the fanboys are calling it - is the story of an obese cop who has to hunt down a serial jaywalker, while at the same time dealing with own weight and sweat issues. Why is it called Buffalo on a Turnpike then?

Max Badwin: Well, the company behind the production, Turnpike Motorcycles, decided that it wanted to have a dramatic title to catch people's attention.

No Show:
Catch their attention while buying gas, you mean?

Max Baldwin:
Indeed, and I agreed with them: if you watch to catch flies, you have to use a little honey after all. Am I right?

No Show: Why would anyone want to catch flies...?

Max Baldwin: And after Stephen had so much success with Shark in Venice and Daniel was nearly Oscar nominated for Beach Party at the Threshold of Hell and William, not Billy, knocked it out of the park with his performance in American Fork, I thought this title had possibilities.

No Show: Kill flies, sure. But catch them? That's just weird.

Max Baldwin: I also felt I had to show a different side to the Baldwins. Everyone knows us as super-talented, politically active guys with marriage, weight, alcohol and drug issues, but actually we're just regular guys who like to kick back and watch a game with a brewski. And some coke. And a few choice hookers we know. But only if the wife's away. And that's why I made Buffalo. For all the regular guys.

No Show: And for Turnpike Motorcycles. Correct me if I'm wrong - and I admit, this is just my expert opinion - but isn't this some sort of promotional film for Turnpike Motorcycles?

Max Baldwin: No no no no, they're the producers, that's all. We were given total creative freedom. They just put up the money. And all of their top of the line Turnpike Motorcycles, including the Powerhouse SX5000 which is now available with convenient financing options at Turnpike Motorcycles outlet near you.

No Show: And what about Alec? He's kind of... how can we put this... inexplicably successful right? Is he impressed by your work?

Max: Alec is successful? Really? Well, he can't successfully spell Alex, can he? I mean that's his name. He's done ok but you can't really compare him with Billy, sorry, William, Stevie, sorry Stephen and whatshisname, sorry Daniel. They're the real go getters. But to answer your question: Alec personally called me up himself when he heard about my successful entry into the gas station DVD record books and said "Nice one y'little pig face". So I'd guess you could say he's impressed.

No Show: Or drunk. And mistakenly calling you instead of his daughter.

Max Baldwin: Yes. That is a possibility. But I prefer to think of it as validation and approval from one Baldwin to another.

No Show:
That's all the time we have for this week's semi-irregular celebrity interview. Our thanks to Max Baldwin for his time.

Max Baldwin:
And to Turnpike Motorcycles.

Noshow: ...

Max Baldwin: They're awesome. Or I'm not Alex Baldwin.

You're an idiot. Goodnight from The No Show.

Max Baldwin: Welcome and goodbye! I'm Max Baldwin!

The pic of the Baldwin is from Wikimedia by David Shankbone under the Creative Commons Attribution ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.

Wednesday, 19 November 2008

(reviewed by Hawkblades,
12 years old but totally turning 13 in 9 months)

Release date: OMG!! totally really soon. this is gonig ot be teh COOLEST thing like evah!!!!!
Starring: some of like teh COOLEST AND HOTTEST AND SEXY actors and LOL. BEST. MOVIE. EVAR.

i totally look like him ZOMG!!!!
This is teh cool I am so stoked about twilight because me and Brad and Donna G. and Donna P. and Max and that butthole Carl are going to the 6am showing because that is like Twilight that is so rad because we will be watching Twilight at Twilight.

Donna P. says I look like Edward Cullen, he's liek teh cool vampire guy and he's totally emo and Bella Swan liek totally loves him in the movie but they can't be together because she is human and he is a total vampire. And that's like me and Donna P. Her dad thinks I'm a butthole and he won't let me see her and I'm all like screw you old man, I love Donna P. and she's all like I'm so hot for me and she's a totally Megan Fox so like Twlight is liek that Scottish guy who wrote that movie Romeo + Juliet, which was way cool when Leo D. and Claire D all had guns and were liek fighting and then kissed in the gas statuion and there was really cool music and the book, which we had to read at school was liek so crazy. So if you don't see tWILight, you are not a cool geek like Jared Leto but liek those guys in that commercial who are like total geeks. Twlight is best, there are vampires and fighting and hotness and the vampires are totally awesome and it's like my life. No really, Donna P. said we like have to see it because its totally about us.

Shatner Scale: Whatevs. FAIL.

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

(reviewed entirely in bad doodle)

UK release date: 14 November
Starring: Max Wahlberg. No, wait, Marky Mark Payne.

Shatner Scale: Kirk
Must see: Yes. Because this is a film based on a video game, so it HAS to be good.

Monday, 17 November 2008

Film review: Australia

UK release date: Boxing Day
Starring: Nicole Kidman, Hugh Jackman and a lot of Australians

Big huge balls. That's what you need if you're going to name your film after a country. Giant cojones of lead that are impervious to all attack.

Just think about it. No one's had the swollen sack to call a film Britain, or China, or Denmark or even France. Even directors from crap countries like New Zealand, Lichtenstein and Vanuatu (apologies but, really, your countries aren't up there with the likes of Portugal, Morocco and Peru - and those are all barely scraping into the second division of nations) don't have the scrotal strength to name their celluloid odysseys after their own nation.

So just how big is director's Baz Luhrmann's bean bag? Well, imagine that sack that the Elephant Man wore on his head. Now double that - with both heads in there - and then double that. And that a rough approximation of the grain sacks that "Brass Balls" Baz has down there.

On the set of the film, stars (and I use the word loosely) Kidman and Jackman (also two lesser known members of the Justice League - Kidman, who can make anyone believe that she's a she and an actress; Jackman, whose special power is the ability to be both macho and intensely camp at the same time) were so impressed with Luhrmann's conker container that they would take turns shaving it and then polishing it with a chamois cloth each morning.

The film itself (and the country it is named after) is irrelevant when compared to Luhrmann's sperm satchel and its size. A two hour documentary of how he gets trousers big enough for that bad boy is what we want to see - does he only wear sarongs? Has he stolen Hammer's trousers? Does he just use a wheelbarrow? How does he sit down?

Oh and if you don't believe me about his onion bag then remember this is the man who put Terence Stamp in a dress; re-imagined Kidman as a French Whore; got us to think that Ewan McGregor could sing, dance and act; and tried to re-educate society to the fact that it was Shakespeare who wrote Romeo and Juliet... sorry, Romeo + Juliet (= just how big are those gooey boulders, Baz? You're messing with Shakespeare).

And the fact that he caved in to studio pressure and gave the film a happy ending does not mean his vast testes are any less vast. In fact, er, he wanted it that way. Yeah, that's right, it's the ending he wanted all along, like he told ABC News in Australia:

"You really think that on my films people tell me what to do? I don't think so," he said. "On my films I decide. I wrote six endings and I shot three... There is a death at the end of this film, but it's a surprise how that works."

The fact that he went back into the editing room and promised not to come out until it was happier and less sad and just what the audience wanted had nothing to do with compromising his directorial vision, like he also told ABC news in Australia:

"I'm going back to the mixing desk to finish it in 24 hours," he said. "It's right on the edge, we're right up against it. I literally have to, on Friday night, push that button. This is really dangerous, I hope there's no problem with the plane going back."

So there you have it: Baz Luhrmann. All man, all the time.

UPDATE: Rumours that the "surprise" death at the end of the film is that of Lurhmann's integrity have neither been confirmed or denied by anyone. Or asked of anyone. We couldn't be bothered. And we started the rumour.

All Australians hope Lurhmann's vast balls can duplicate the Crocodile Dundee effect and revive the country-continent's flagging tourist industry. Is there nothing this man's testes cannot do?

Shatner Scale: Kirk
Must see: Yes. Just for the balls.

Saturday, 15 November 2008

"The Tales of Beedle the Bard" by JK Rowling

UK Release: 4 December 2008

I may be wrong, but isn't JK Rowling richer than God?

Seriously, if she wanted, couldn't she walk into any town hall pretty much anywhere in the world, open her purse and just outright buy the town with her small change? And then bulldoze the place and build a nice casino with the even smaller change lodged in the folds of the purse?

So why then did she decide that she would write yet another book? (She apparently wrote a bunch of other books about some boy wizard and no, it wasn't Johnny Mysto. I know, I was surprised too.)

OK OK, I know, she created the original handcrafted copies of Tales for friends and charity, but come on: surely she could have handed over the cash directly to the charity instead of wasting our time? Amazon bought one of them for £1,950,000 for Christ's sake. (AND they now insist on waffling on about it being an "artefact".)

So anyway, having decided to do this thing where she creates yet another something that makes loads of money with the good intention of said money being given to charity, why then publish a paperback of the stupid thing for general release, with only a more expensive "special edition" hardback giving some of the proceeds to charity? Everyone's going to buy the cheap as chips paperback and all that money's going straight into JK's already scary sized bank account.

UPDATE: All net proceeds from sales of this unnecessary book are going to charity. So it is An Good Thing. But still: JK darling, you're richer than God - just give your own money away. Then if you must, print up a few zillion copies of Tales and hand it out for free. There's no way you're going to run out of money. Unless all those lawsuits are cutting into your mad money?

Anyway, Tales of Beedle and the Bard is a thing from one of those other books she wrote, the last one I think and it was referred to in there so all these wannabe wizards will piss their pants with glee because oooh now they have a copy of the book that was in the book and how awesome is that and now I have to put on my wizard hat and take out my wand and wave it around and around and around and JK can go on pretending she's as Important and Literary as JRR Tolkein and that this is her Adventures of Tom Bombadil when she's at best an adequate storyteller with a seriously overrated talent.

Ok, that was harsh. I quite like the Weasleys. Don't tell anyone.

Shatner rating: Denny Crane
Should I bother? Buy it if you want - you're going to anyway, right? But give some money to charity too. That part's a good idea.

Thursday, 13 November 2008

MUSIC REVIEW: "Dark Horse" by Nickelback

UK release date: 17 November

According to the UK's Guardian newspaper, lead singer songwriter of Nickelback Chad Kroeger has the distinction of having written the worst song ever ("Rockstar" - "In summary, this song makes literally no sense and is the worst thing of all time").

He also has the distinction of the worst hair in rock, the worst dress sense in rock and being the lead singer of a band with the dumbest band name or name of anything ever named (except for "Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii", the kid in New Zealand - the courts order her name changed because it was stupid - Nickelback deserves nothing less).

Chad Kroeger's real name is "Chad Robert Turton". So he changed his surname and picked "Kroeger"? The freak.

Anyway, the latest horror to be released by this band that keeps topping the charts despite any evidence of any talent or quality songwriting or anything like that is called Dark Horse. And since the band is very very very literal in everything it does, I'm guessing it's meant to reflect the fact that Nickelback manages to sell millions of copies of their albums despite the fact that they are consistently shite. Which makes them a kind of dark horse. Right?

No. It does not. It makes them very very rich and popular with a lot of kids who themselves probably think they are "dark horses" when they are, in fact, fairly well off suburban rich white kids angry at the world for giving them pimples and stuff.

The fact that the Dark Horse album cover looks a bit like the Rolling Stones album cover with the zipper that really works is just sad. Especially because the Nickelback cover doesn't have a working zipper. Instead, it has a ridiculous big belt buckle, like the kind you would see on some guy in a cowboy bar or a biker bar who isn't really a cowboy or a biker but is in fact cruising for some greasy haired man on man action.

Speaking of greasy haired man on man action: according to Amazon - which is a website where you can find like totally everything by the way - the first track of Dark Horse is called "Something In Your Mouth".

The fourth track is called "I'd Come For You".

Track five is called "Next Go Round". And track seven is "Never Gonna Be Alone" while track nine is called "S.E.X.".

So Chad Kroeger is apparently horny like a horndog slamming its crotch against a mushy cushion for lack of any other bad hair action.

So why is track eight called "Shakin Hands"? Is the Chad-miester crashing out on us, dude? Is he bailing at the last second because he thought he was gonna git some S.E.X. with a study biker cowboy dark horse but instead ends up with a meet n greet? Or is "Shakin Hands" a euphemism for a hand job in greasy biker/cowboy speak? I wouldn't know.

Only Chad knows. And he's keeping it to himself.

Shatner Rating: Quincy cameo
Worth a listen? No. Please no. Someone must stop them - NOW!

The pic of Chad Kroeger is from Wikimedia and uses a GNU Free Documentation License thing.

Tuesday, 11 November 2008

FILM REVIEW: Zack and Miri Make a Porno

UK Release Date: 14 November
Starring: Elizabeth Banks, Seth Rogen, Gerry Bednob

Zack and Miri Make a Porno is a Kevin Smith movie by Kevin Smith. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking: "Porno. I like porno. I should go see this film about the making of a porno, yes?"

But Wait™ – think about it. Do you REALLY want to see a porno being made? Porno is like sausages and laws: everybody likes them, but no-one should ever see how they're made. Except for vegetarians and anarchists, who do not like sausages or laws, respectively. And if they saw either being made, they would probably try to disrupt things, which is the last thing you want when a porno is involved.

Also, think about this: pornography, as we all know, was invented by Leonardo Da Vinci, shortly before he invented the helicopter and the automatic coffeemaker, and just before he invented Dan Brown. Between his famous anatomically correct sketches of organs and body parts were steamy little vignettes of Leo and that hot stud from down the plaza, the one with the nipples like Roman coins. This is a FACT.

Pornography is also the lifeblood of the web (and New York's Central Park - see Steve Guttenberg) and the only thing preventing the internet from becoming a carefully regulated arm of the Department of Homeland Security.

But pornography on film? Madness. Who would want to sit in a cinema with a bunch of other people watching yet other people groping and penetrating each other if various ways with various body parts? Except Paul Reubens, I mean?

Kevin Smith would, that's who.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno
is a Kevin Smith movie by Kevin Smith, which means it'll be a Kevin Smith film.

In other words:

- Fast paced dialogue interrupted by long awkward pauses. Possibly drug induced.
- Pop culture references. Possibly drug related.
- "Slacker talk", ie "awesome", "dude", "whassup" "are you shittin me?"
- Kevin Smith., cameo or otherwise. Definitely drug inspired.
- Sluggish, dopey laughter. Possibly drug related or induced, definitely inspired.
- Jason Mewes. Possibly selling or buying drugs.

So, basically, this Kevin Smith movie by Kevin Smith will be a Kevin Smith film. But with Gerry "Go fuck a goat" Bednob. And that's gotta mean something.

So, to summarise: many many people like the porno, but don't want to watch it being made; absolutely no-one wants to see Kevin Smith naked; Gerry Bednob is very funny, mostly because he's old and swears a lot. Should you see it? Very possibly maybe yes.

Shatner rating: Denny Crane
Should I bother? Maybe. For The Bednob. The man is a genius.

Saturday, 8 November 2008

NO SHOW NEWS: UB40, Daniel Day Lewis, Bono and more

As the saying goes, No Show News is good news, so let's get it on.

Popstar in court over cartoon rat

Cod-reggae cover artists UB40 are to sue animation giants Pixar over the film Ratatouille, which they claim was plagarised from their hit song Rat in mi kitchen.

Lead singer One of the Campbell brothers said (in a strange Ja-fake-an patios): "Da ting is we wrote Rat in da kitchen about a rat who likes to cook and ting and den dis group of haters come along and make a film about it and don't even ask us and ting. We is well going to sue dem."

Pixar, makers of Toy Story, Cars, Wall-E and Finding Nemo said: 'Who the f**k are UB40?'

Breaking News:
Fish from Marillion may also be suing over Finding Nemo because it "had fish in it" and Gary Numan is also considering litigation over Cars. Because of the cars, and the things that are in them. According to a person standing near Numan, "Gaz is wary about opening himself up to lawsuits from David Bowie for, y'know, stealing his entire stage persona. So he might not sue. But he totally should."

Even more breaking news: This just in from the not-often-read Hurriyet Daily News (via – "The mayor of Batman, a city [in Turkey] recently under scrutiny due to unsolved murders and increasing rates of female suicides, will sue the director of the movie Batman movie."

According to Hurriyet, the mayor is quoted as saying "The royalty of the name 'Batman' belongs to us... There is only one Batman in the world. The American producers used the name of our city without informing us."

According to other less reliable reports, Batman director Christopher Nolan is understood not to give a shit.

Day Lewis set to play Craig David

Oscar-winner and professional shouter (Silver Throat level) Daniel Day Lewis is set to play Craig David in a new bio-pic. Lewis is currently wrapping his latest Oscar attempt entitled Me, Me and Me.

"Me, me and me is the best film of my long and brilliant career. The director, God, is a personal friend and wanted me to do this for ages. Essentially, it's 15 hours of me, me, me shouting at meself, Meself, meself in a lovely mirror about whatever I want. Milkshakes, burgers, fries, you name it, I shout it... in a strange accent."

When asked about the upcoming Craig David biopic, Lewis twisted his beautiful face into a grimace, threw his beatific and sinewy hands in the air and enigmatically intoned: "I met him Monday, I took him for a drink on Tuesday..." At that point, this reporter walked out.

New Zombie movie gets the greenlight
Great news for lovers of the undead as yet another zombie movie is set to be unleashed. Not satisfied with Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, Shaun of the Dead, Flight of the Living Dead, Diary of the Dead, Land of the Dead, 28 Days/Weeks later, Zombie Strippers and Dead Set, Zombie-loving director George A. Romero is about to start shooting on his latest flesh feast, Dead of the Dead - but this one looks set to be a little different.

'In Dead of the Dead, or Dod as we call it, we will deal with the complex issue of zombie bereavement. It's about zombies coming to terms to their loss and bravely overcoming obstacles. How does a zombie husband deal with the death of a spouse while chowing down on his daughter's shin-bone? I've never really covered this ground before but I think it'll be a surprise."

Rumours abound that Meryl Streep, Liam Neeson, Kenneth Branagh and Sydney Poitier have all signed. Dead of the Dead opens next spring.

Cate Blanchett transparency problem

Pallid, Oscar-winning, poorly spelt Actress with a capital A Cate Blanchett (really name Kate Blanket) has admitted today that she is suffering from X-rayitis. A source close to Kate/Cate said: "The beloved should-be dame is becoming increasingly see-through and if you hold her up the light you can see her bones just like you could with those 79 cent X-ray specs from the back of comic books. She's wafer thin. It's a tradegy."

Blanchett/Blanket, who many people confuse with Nicole Kidman, has set up a charity for other suffering from this crippling ailment. For more log on to

It was Radiohead what won it

In a staggering turn of events, it was revealed today that popular Oxford-born miserabilists Radiohead actually won the US presidency, before generously handing the title over to Barack Obama. Vocalist and self-proclaimed saviour Thom Yorke is quoted as saying: "When we decided to give our new single "After the dust settles, all that's left is a single tear" away in exchange for votes, we thought it'd be a decent joke but so many people wanted it that we ended up winning the damn thing."

The band deliberated on whether they were the right choice for president of the world's largest democracy and, while Yorke believes they were, he was outvoted by the bald one and the two others and handed the title to Obama.

"Hey, Radiohead is a democracy too," laughed Yorke - his first ever laugh.

Bono "does it for the kids"

As Britain cowers in fear of hoodies, knife crime and gangs of feral kids that look like that one out of Mad Max 2, U2 frontman Bono Vox (not his given name) has come up with an idea which may save the country from drowning in a sea of blood. His new charity "Make Puberty History" hopes to raise enough money to help teenagers cut out those difficult years between 12 and 19.

The man behind that song from Batman Forever and the one about zoos said in a statement: "I believe the one way to save these kids is to Make Puberty History. No spots, tantrums, loneliness, disaffection or wanking. I will save them because I am Bono Vox."

Funnily enough Bono Vox means good voice in Latin - no seriously, it does.


Gok Wan's name is funny

Yes it is. It just is. Not my fault, just is, alright?

Britain's next top Rod Hull
The hunt for a new hand to go up Emu's arse starts on BBC3 on Tuesday at 11.30 after three episodes of Gavin and Stacey and the complete third season of Two pints of Lager.

Buddha signs up for next season of The Apprentice
Headline explains story.

Correction: Hitler did NOT have only one ball


Daddy Daycare 3 - Crack Babies

Glengarry Glen Ross Kemp

The Incredible Elephant Man

All images licenced under Creative Commons Attribution ShareAlike 2.0 or in public domain, according to Wikimedia, which is where we found them, Ok? Ok.

Wednesday, 5 November 2008

Guttenberg naked
or Shatner venting?
Who could possibly choose?

When it comes right down to it, having to choose between video of Steve Guttenberg jogging sans pants through Central Park or William Shatner venting for 4 minutes about not being invited to George Takai's now possibly no longer legal gay Buddhist wedding, frankly, we just can't decide.
[via Defamer via YouTube via Videogum via... oh who the hell can even remember?]


The No Show has already proven the value of completely uninformed and very biased opinion by calling the current election correctly well before the first results began to roll in.
This is just a FACT.

Now the United States faces a very complicated question: who will play the various people in Obama's as yet undecided Cabinet when the inevitable film version of his life is made, probably by Oliver Stone (or Michael Bay, with extra explosive White House action sequences and 17 limo versus helicopter versus subway car chases)?

The No Show has a few choice suggestions.

Barack Obama:
As we've already said, it's gotta be Steve Guttenberg. He'll tan up for the project, he's totally Method.

First Lady Michelle Obama: Whoopie Goldberg. She'll lose 75lbs, cut her hair and travel back in time to her Colour Purple days, so that she's young enough to pull it off, with the added benefit that she won't have to date Ted Danson this time.

Vice President Joe Biden Obama: Al Pacino. On stilts. Wearing a Nixon mask.

Chief of Staff Obama: With the announcement that Rahm Emanuel is taking on this role for real, it's gotta be Adam Arkin. Or maybe a pre-op transsexual Ms Doubtfire as played by Robin Williams not in drag. Every house needs a lovable faux Scottish nanny tranny!

Secretary of State Obama: The ghost of Grandma Obama, as performed by the large woman from Two and a Half Men. The one who plays the housekeeper. Whatsername. She'll spend the entire film burning rubber in a CGI WWII Army motorcycle with a sidecar. Solving murders and fighting crime.

Secretary of Defence Obama: Ed Norton in full Hulk make-up, but without prosthetics or CGI. So, basically, a green, angry Ed Norton.

Secretary of the Treasury Obama: A large potato, wrapped in dollar bills and tossed between all players throughout the first half of the film. Replaced by an albatross (played by Verne Troyer) that hangs around Guttenberg's neck for the second half.

Attorney General Obama: Kevin Costner, in the form of cobbled together clips taken from JFK and The Untouchables. Plus one moving scene from Dances with Wolves in which the young moustachio'ed Attorney General discovers that he is at one with nature and also in love with Mary McDonald who, it turns out, is Native American.

Secretary of Agriculture Obama: Gary Coleman in a burlap sack, bound at the top with a stalk of wheat. This will be kept near Obama/Guttenberg's Oval Office desk at all times for use as an ottoman. Or ye olde style "kickin' bag".

Secretary of Transport Obama: A framed picture of Tom Cruise in Days of Thunder. "Danger Zone" by Kenny Loggins will play every time someone looks too closely at the photo (except for Obama/Guttenberg - when he looks at the Tom Cruise photo, "Take My Breath Away" will play sexily in the background).

Secretary of Education Obama: Like the recent Dylan biopic, this role will be played by 17 different actors, all of whom have played teachers in other films, including Michelle Pfeiffer, Samuel L Jackson and Jon Lovitz. Each actor will be given 48 seconds of screen time in total.

Secretary of Energy Obama: Rosemary Clooney (played by George Clooney in drag).

Secretary of Homeland Security Obama: This role will be dropped by the time filming begins, when Obama brings peace to the universe by turning the world on with his smile.

And so, onward to victory in the 2009 Oscars!

(Or possibly 2010, if Harvey Weinstein screws us around on distribution.)

Obama picture courtesy Matthias W., published under the Creative Commons Attribution ShareAlike 3.0 Unported


Before the US election results have barely even begun to trickle in, The No Show is going to go out on a non-ledge and say that Obama has won the election with an incredible unprecedented landslide, including all people on the planet voting for him apart from a few guys in Kentucky. But they were drunk and did it on a dare. They were later seen going into a closet for three minutes as their friends chanted "Tongue! Tongue! Tongue" while throwing back bottles of Thunderbird.

Obama has also been given a Nobel prize for both Peace AND Physics, for his work in negotiating settlement terms between the electrons and the protons (neutrons remain Switzerland-like in their neutralness). He has alo been awarded an honourary Oscar for a lifetime achievement and an Emmy for Best Performance By An Ensemble. The Grammy went to Sarah Palin, though many felt that Obama was robbed.

Going forward, The No Show believes that Barack "Steve" Obama's first 100 days as Principal of United States High School will see the tough-but-firm cool cucumber take on both the rockers and the greasers and bring peace to the whole gang, including Lulu, during a series of more intricate and complex song and dance routines.

The No Show also believes that Obama will be played by Steve Guttenberg in the inevitable made for TV film, instead of Will Smith because he will probably ask for money to play the role. Guttenberg will do it for bread crusts. And he'll do an awesome job of it.

UPDATE: Proving the worth of completely non-informed opinion, The No Show has proven its worth by calling the current election correctly well before the first results began to roll in. And now that we have been proven correct about this historically historical moment in historic history, we would just like to add our voices to the many many hundreds of Obama fans out there and say: Well done, sir. And we wish you luck in your future as Jesus 2.0.

All hail the conquering Messiah and welcome also to his cunning new ghost sidekick, Gramma Obama!

Monday, 3 November 2008

ALBUM REVIEW: Soul by Seal

UK release: 10 November

And so, Seal finally reveals that he is Dr Seuss.

Soul (by Seal) will showcase Seal's world renowned ability to swap or change the letters in his name to make song titles. Tracks include: Leas, Eels, Ales, Elas, Sale, Soul, Saul, Zeal, Teal, Sear, Sour, Veal (his pro-meat song - insert your own Heidi Klum (bucket) gag here), Keel (his tribute to musical legend Howard (Keel, not the bloke in Take That) and Vole (a song about how much he hates moles and how much he loves voles).

Seal had several hits in the Triassic period with Crazy, Kiss from a Rose and Crazy. Somehow, he has managed to make a very good living and marry a supermodel on the basis of these two (three) songs. He also sang on Adamski's Killer before making it his own song and calling it Seal Killer - after several Canadian seal killers he met on one of his many trips to Antarctica - where he is never mistaken for a seal because he's not white and fluffy. He is, however, a killer with the seal ladies (see picture).

Soul (by Seal) is a real return to form for the pock-marked prince of pompous pedestrian phiddle phaddle; it's an album of warm bedroom grooves that Mick Hucknall or Michael Bolton would be rightfully proud of. Others who would be proud to have made this album include Les Dennis and anyone who's ever had a tracheotomy.

Just as Nutbush City Limits contains no trace of Nuts and is thus fine of nut allergics (the weak-willed freaks), Soul contains no trace of soul so should be fine for anyone with a soul allergy such as Mick Hucknall, Gok Wan, Phish (the American band, funnily enough, is also allergic to Fish, him out of Marillion), Craig David, Sarah Jessica Parker and the cast of Peep Show.

Proof that Seal may well be a seal comes in the form of this album which contains his usual trademarked honks and howls as well as this tidbit of information: Seal proposed to German supermodel Heidi Klum on 24 December 2004 at 14,000 ft, in an igloo on a glacier in Whistler, British Columbia.[Source: Everywhere].

Soul is out soon and will be avoided by most.

Shatner scale: Miss Congeniality
Must listen: Maybe

Sunday, 2 November 2008

...da da da dada (that's the music)...
...Everyone is going NOSHOW...


It seems that the world's third most famous film critic after The Noshow boys has decided that Noshow is the way forward. Big Rog (as we love to call him because of his massive cock) reviewed the film Tru Loved based on a mere 8 minutes.

As far as we're concerned, that was 8 minutes too long and Rog needs to see less films and have more opinions if he's ever going to get his musings on The Noshow.


It seems that the UK has gone Noshow crazy over the RossBrandgate (that's a trademarked word - use it and pay up). Millions of people who didn't hear the now-infamous radio show, nor read the transcript nor downloaded the podcast have felt moved, driven and opinionated enough to review something hadn't listened to.

We at The No Show haven't heard the show either but as we only review or preview future releases rather than things that happened in the past - for example, we wouldn't feel qualified to write a pithy critique of the Fall of the Prussian Empire or a bile-infused rant about the premiere of Ben Hur - we'd like to avail you of just some of the offerings from our fellow Noshowers around the UK:

Ethel Sparks, woman, Dorking: I haven't heard it, seen it or had any contact except what I read and I think it's mindless filth and they should both be shaved and made to eat the hair until they both get hairballs and die.

Craig Maelefaeces, artist, Crewe: While I think what they did is inexcusable, it was certainly Dadaist. Or possibly Engulfist. Either way.

Paul Daniels, no not that one, Perth: It was a f***ing disgrace what that little c**t Sachs did. Brand and Ross just telling him, straight out like a fucking man, like, that they f**ked his granddaighter, like coming clean and that. No secrets, and that. And that little c**t Sachs shops him to the police and now he's doing 10 years inside and that. It's a disgrace, has anyone got his granddaughter's number?

Maria Van Burnett, ex-man, address supplied but too boring to print: Brand and Ross are Britain's greatest entertainers and people. What has happened is just tragic. Of course, when I didn't hear the show or the podcast, I was disgusted but afterwards I put it into perspective. I've never seen anything with Russell Brand and that's why I love him so much, he's so funny. And I last saw Jonathan Ross at a music Festival in Chepstow, he was lovely and quite big. Leave them alone to entertain our kids - who will present Grand-children In Need now?

Who indeed?


Tom Cruise is in a new film. We haven't seen it. You haven't seen it. He doesn't look camp in any way. Here's the trailer. Review coming soon.

A Hundred Million Suns by Snow Patrol

Release date:
27 October

"A Hundred Million Suns". The title alone gives you the idea of just how pointlessly pompous this record from Ireland's 17th favourite band actually is. The sun is awesome in its unique power - that's it. One sun. One. By chucking in 99,000,000 other suns, the Londis U2 hope to harness that solar energy into their wailing excuses for anthemic whining.

Their last album sold 75 squillion copies even though it contained only one syng (this is an ancient but appropriate word meaning "not quite a song"), "Chasing Cars", which was the prequel to that plump lady's ballad "Chasing Pavements" and a sequel to "Cars" by Gary Numan (Greatest Song About Cars Called Cars Ever - a real shame that the Pixar/Disney film Cars didn't use it in the soundtrack as that would have introduced a new and very impressionable generation to the joys of the Numanoid).

The lead singer of the Costcutter Corrs shares one trait with the Numanoid: they are both called Gary. This is the only interesting fact anyone can find about Gary Lightbody, the vocal stylist of the Poundshop Pogues.

This record is bound to be played on football compilation DVDs, when a player misses a penalty or on the X-Factor when some ex-Butlins red coat losing out after barely whispering their way through a full aria from Tosca, or when some WKD drinking harlot loses her back-alley shag for the evening.

If A Hundred Million Suns was hair, it'd be a really tight perm with yellow tints that someone has set fire to.

If A Hundred Million Suns was an eye, it'd be one of those wobbly one that is actually looking at you but looks like it's looking at a point over your shoulder.

If A Hundred Million Suns was a leg, it'd be Heather Mills.

If A Hundred Million Suns was an arm, it'd be one of those post-industrial accident arms.

If A Hundred Million Suns was a nose, it'd be a clown's red squeaky Patch Adams nose.

If A Hundred Millions Suns was a pair of lips, they'd be chapped and cracked and full of sores.

If A Hundred Million Suns was a penis, it'd be yellowy and shrivelled like a peanut in the sun, the balls would be hairless - maybe just flying solo. One lonely oversided bollock with a sad little face.

If A Hundred Millions Suns was vagina - it would be Barbie's vag. Smooth and redundant.

All in all if you were going out with A Hundred Million Suns, you'd dump him/her swiftly.


We have been reliably informed by a Mr or Miss (or Mrs) Poot Poot that a hundred millions suns minus one sun would, in fact, be 99,999,999 suns. We apologise for the incontinence.

(And for the record, we did NOT have sex with that woman. Sorry, wrong accusation.
We did not embezzle 1,0101% of the extra suns.)

Shatner scale: Quincy cameo
Must buy: No.