NO SHOW NEWS: UB40, Daniel Day Lewis, Bono and more

As the saying goes, No Show News is good news, so let's get it on.


Popstar in court over cartoon rat

Cod-reggae cover artists UB40 are to sue animation giants Pixar over the film Ratatouille, which they claim was plagarised from their hit song Rat in mi kitchen.

Lead singer One of the Campbell brothers said (in a strange Ja-fake-an patios): "Da ting is we wrote Rat in da kitchen about a rat who likes to cook and ting and den dis group of haters come along and make a film about it and don't even ask us and ting. We is well going to sue dem."

Pixar, makers of Toy Story, Cars, Wall-E and Finding Nemo said: 'Who the f**k are UB40?'

Breaking News: Fish from Marillion may also be suing over Finding Nemo because it "had fish in it" and Gary Numan is also considering litigation over Cars. Because of the cars, and the things that are in them. According to a person standing near Numan, "Gaz is wary about opening himself up to lawsuits from David Bowie for, y'know, stealing his entire stage persona. So he might not sue. But he totally should."

Even more breaking news: This just in from the not-often-read Hurriyet Daily News (via Defamer.com) – "The mayor of Batman, a city [in Turkey] recently under scrutiny due to unsolved murders and increasing rates of female suicides, will sue the director of the movie Batman movie."

According to Hurriyet, the mayor is quoted as saying "The royalty of the name 'Batman' belongs to us... There is only one Batman in the world. The American producers used the name of our city without informing us."

According to other less reliable reports, Batman director Christopher Nolan is understood not to give a shit.



Day Lewis set to play Craig David

Oscar-winner and professional shouter (Silver Throat level) Daniel Day Lewis is set to play Craig David in a new bio-pic. Lewis is currently wrapping his latest Oscar attempt entitled Me, Me and Me.

"Me, me and me is the best film of my long and brilliant career. The director, God, is a personal friend and wanted me to do this for ages. Essentially, it's 15 hours of me, me, me shouting at meself, Meself, meself in a lovely mirror about whatever I want. Milkshakes, burgers, fries, you name it, I shout it... in a strange accent."

When asked about the upcoming Craig David biopic, Lewis twisted his beautiful face into a grimace, threw his beatific and sinewy hands in the air and enigmatically intoned: "I met him Monday, I took him for a drink on Tuesday..." At that point, this reporter walked out.

New Zombie movie gets the greenlight
Great news for lovers of the undead as yet another zombie movie is set to be unleashed. Not satisfied with Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, Shaun of the Dead, Flight of the Living Dead, Diary of the Dead, Land of the Dead, 28 Days/Weeks later, Zombie Strippers and Dead Set, Zombie-loving director George A. Romero is about to start shooting on his latest flesh feast, Dead of the Dead - but this one looks set to be a little different.

'In Dead of the Dead, or Dod as we call it, we will deal with the complex issue of zombie bereavement. It's about zombies coming to terms to their loss and bravely overcoming obstacles. How does a zombie husband deal with the death of a spouse while chowing down on his daughter's shin-bone? I've never really covered this ground before but I think it'll be a surprise."

Rumours abound that Meryl Streep, Liam Neeson, Kenneth Branagh and Sydney Poitier have all signed. Dead of the Dead opens next spring.


Cate Blanchett transparency problem
Pallid, Oscar-winning, poorly spelt Actress with a capital A Cate Blanchett (really name Kate Blanket) has admitted today that she is suffering from X-rayitis. A source close to Kate/Cate said: "The beloved should-be dame is becoming increasingly see-through and if you hold her up the light you can see her bones just like you could with those 79 cent X-ray specs from the back of comic books. She's wafer thin. It's a tradegy."

Blanchett/Blanket, who many people confuse with Nicole Kidman, has set up a charity for other suffering from this crippling ailment. For more log on to www.cateblanchettshouldstayoutofthesun.com

It was Radiohead what won it

In a staggering turn of events, it was revealed today that popular Oxford-born miserabilists Radiohead actually won the US presidency, before generously handing the title over to Barack Obama. Vocalist and self-proclaimed saviour Thom Yorke is quoted as saying: "When we decided to give our new single "After the dust settles, all that's left is a single tear" away in exchange for votes, we thought it'd be a decent joke but so many people wanted it that we ended up winning the damn thing."

The band deliberated on whether they were the right choice for president of the world's largest democracy and, while Yorke believes they were, he was outvoted by the bald one and the two others and handed the title to Obama.

"Hey, Radiohead is a democracy too," laughed Yorke - his first ever laugh.

Bono "does it for the kids"

As Britain cowers in fear of hoodies, knife crime and gangs of feral kids that look like that one out of Mad Max 2, U2 frontman Bono Vox (not his given name) has come up with an idea which may save the country from drowning in a sea of blood. His new charity "Make Puberty History" hopes to raise enough money to help teenagers cut out those difficult years between 12 and 19.

The man behind that song from Batman Forever and the one about zoos said in a statement: "I believe the one way to save these kids is to Make Puberty History. No spots, tantrums, loneliness, disaffection or wanking. I will save them because I am Bono Vox."

Funnily enough Bono Vox means good voice in Latin - no seriously, it does.


IN BRIEF

Gok Wan's name is funny
Yes it is. It just is. Not my fault, just is, alright?

Britain's next top Rod Hull
The hunt for a new hand to go up Emu's arse starts on BBC3 on Tuesday at 11.30 after three episodes of Gavin and Stacey and the complete third season of Two pints of Lager.

Buddha signs up for next season of The Apprentice
Headline explains story.


Correction: Hitler did NOT have only one ball

IN PRODUCTION

Daddy Daycare 3 - Crack Babies

Glengarry Glen Ross Kemp

The Incredible Elephant Man

All images licenced under Creative Commons Attribution ShareAlike 2.0 or in public domain, according to Wikimedia, which is where we found them, Ok? Ok.

ELECTION SPECIAL 2: OBAMA - THE MOVIE

The No Show has already proven the value of completely uninformed and very biased opinion by calling the current election correctly well before the first results began to roll in.
This is just a FACT.

Now the United States faces a very complicated question: who will play the various people in Obama's as yet undecided Cabinet when the inevitable film version of his life is made, probably by Oliver Stone (or Michael Bay, with extra explosive White House action sequences and 17 limo versus helicopter versus subway car chases)?

The No Show has a few choice suggestions.

Barack Obama: As we've already said, it's gotta be Steve Guttenberg. He'll tan up for the project, he's totally Method.

First Lady Michelle Obama: Whoopie Goldberg. She'll lose 75lbs, cut her hair and travel back in time to her Colour Purple days, so that she's young enough to pull it off, with the added benefit that she won't have to date Ted Danson this time.

Vice President Joe Biden Obama: Al Pacino. On stilts. Wearing a Nixon mask.

Chief of Staff Obama: With the announcement that Rahm Emanuel is taking on this role for real, it's gotta be Adam Arkin. Or maybe a pre-op transsexual Ms Doubtfire as played by Robin Williams not in drag. Every house needs a lovable faux Scottish nanny tranny!

Secretary of State Obama: The ghost of Grandma Obama, as performed by the large woman from Two and a Half Men. The one who plays the housekeeper. Whatsername. She'll spend the entire film burning rubber in a CGI WWII Army motorcycle with a sidecar. Solving murders and fighting crime.

Secretary of Defence Obama: Ed Norton in full Hulk make-up, but without prosthetics or CGI. So, basically, a green, angry Ed Norton.

Secretary of the Treasury Obama: A large potato, wrapped in dollar bills and tossed between all players throughout the first half of the film. Replaced by an albatross (played by Verne Troyer) that hangs around Guttenberg's neck for the second half.

Attorney General Obama: Kevin Costner, in the form of cobbled together clips taken from JFK and The Untouchables. Plus one moving scene from Dances with Wolves in which the young moustachio'ed Attorney General discovers that he is at one with nature and also in love with Mary McDonald who, it turns out, is Native American.

Secretary of Agriculture Obama: Gary Coleman in a burlap sack, bound at the top with a stalk of wheat. This will be kept near Obama/Guttenberg's Oval Office desk at all times for use as an ottoman. Or ye olde style "kickin' bag".

Secretary of Transport Obama: A framed picture of Tom Cruise in Days of Thunder. "Danger Zone" by Kenny Loggins will play every time someone looks too closely at the photo (except for Obama/Guttenberg - when he looks at the Tom Cruise photo, "Take My Breath Away" will play sexily in the background).

Secretary of Education Obama: Like the recent Dylan biopic, this role will be played by 17 different actors, all of whom have played teachers in other films, including Michelle Pfeiffer, Samuel L Jackson and Jon Lovitz. Each actor will be given 48 seconds of screen time in total.

Secretary of Energy Obama: Rosemary Clooney (played by George Clooney in drag).

Secretary of Homeland Security Obama: This role will be dropped by the time filming begins, when Obama brings peace to the universe by turning the world on with his smile.


And so, onward to victory in the 2009 Oscars!
(Or possibly 2010, if Harvey Weinstein screws us around on distribution.)

Obama picture courtesy Matthias W., published under the Creative Commons Attribution ShareAlike 3.0 Unported

ELECTION SPECIAL: Calling it for OBAMA

Before the US election results have barely even begun to trickle in, The No Show is going to go out on a non-ledge and say that Obama has won the election with an incredible unprecedented landslide, including all people on the planet voting for him apart from a few guys in Kentucky. But they were drunk and did it on a dare. They were later seen going into a closet for three minutes as their friends chanted "Tongue! Tongue! Tongue" while throwing back bottles of Thunderbird.

Obama has also been given a Nobel prize for both Peace AND Physics, for his work in negotiating settlement terms between the electrons and the protons (neutrons remain Switzerland-like in their neutralness). He has alo been awarded an honourary Oscar for a lifetime achievement and an Emmy for Best Performance By An Ensemble. The Grammy went to Sarah Palin, though many felt that Obama was robbed.

Going forward, The No Show believes that Barack "Steve" Obama's first 100 days as Principal of United States High School will see the tough-but-firm cool cucumber take on both the rockers and the greasers and bring peace to the whole gang, including Lulu, during a series of more intricate and complex song and dance routines.

The No Show also believes that Obama will be played by Steve Guttenberg in the inevitable made for TV film, instead of Will Smith because he will probably ask for money to play the role. Guttenberg will do it for bread crusts. And he'll do an awesome job of it.


UPDATE: Proving the worth of completely non-informed opinion, The No Show has proven its worth by calling the current election correctly well before the first results began to roll in. And now that we have been proven correct about this historically historical moment in historic history, we would just like to add our voices to the many many hundreds of Obama fans out there and say: Well done, sir. And we wish you luck in your future as Jesus 2.0.

All hail the conquering Messiah and welcome also to his cunning new ghost sidekick, Gramma Obama!