Sunday, 12 December 2010

The No Show 12 Days of Christmas: Day 12

The No Show 12 Days of Christmas
Top 12 Films We Haven't See of 2010
The Year in Review

It's been a powerful year for films we haven't bothered to see.

This was the year we discovered that stitching one human being's mouth to another's anus and then doing the same thing with another human being's mouth and the anus of that second person, merits funding, cult status and a sequel for a movie. Because you just never know what might happen when you stitch a mouth to an anus. The possibilities are endless.

We also found out that a film with as innocuous a title as "A Serbian Film" could be so seriously unpleasant that the plot description alone would make you want to vomit up the entire contents of your stomach as well as the contents of any stomachs in a five-mile radius.

"But The No Show, this is all wasting our time, please tell us: what films haven't you seen this year?" you ask. Well let me tell you: lots. Lots and lots of films did not pass in front of these eyes. We saw Toy Story 3 of course, we're not monsters. And How To Train Your Dragon, because come on, it has dragons in it. But apart from that, you would be amazed how few films we bothered to see in 2010.

But of all the films not seen, the film we most didn't see but might have possibly accidently seen by osmosis without having actually seen has to be Inception.

"What are you talking about?" you ask. "Of course you saw Inception. Everybody saw Inception. It was, like, a law or something."

And that, dear readers, is the nub of the crux of the heart of the problem: five minutes after Inception was released, the first parodies were on the internets, flooding our subconscious with notions of dreams and reality and doorways and spinning tops and doughy Leonardo DiCaprio, still all baby fat after all these years (seriously, I worry about you Leo, those suits aren't helping).

Even ginormous megastar celebrity tweeters joked about it:

How could we possibly be asked to write a proper review based on absolutely no knowledge of the film if some knowledge crept into our brains just because we turned on our stupid computer? Seriously, it's a problem.

There was only one solution. Only one person affiliated with The No Show had the complete lack of knowledge of Inception that was required in order to review the film in the way it most deserved: on the basis of complete and utter ignorance.

With that in mind, we ask that you please listen closely this untainted and unexpectedly seasonal review of Inception. Enjoy.