tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87811709621495687232024-03-13T00:34:44.252+00:00The No ShowThinking of seeing a new film, reading a book or listening to a new song, but can't decide? Well wait no more – The No Show reviews films we haven't seen, books we haven't read and music we haven't heard, so you won't have to either.zesty petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17419775719956474883noreply@blogger.comBlogger62125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781170962149568723.post-47726588830726362722010-12-12T23:28:00.015+00:002010-12-13T00:25:07.166+00:00The No Show 12 Days of Christmas: Day 12<div><b>The No Show 12 Days of Christmas </b></div><div><b>Top 12 Films We Haven't See of 2010</b></div><div><b>The Year in Review</b></div><div><br /></div><div>It's been a powerful year for films we haven't bothered to see. </div><div><br /></div><div>This was the year we discovered that stitching one human being's mouth to another's anus and then doing the same thing with another human being's mouth and the anus of that second person, merits funding, cult status and a sequel for a movie. Because you just never know what might happen when you stitch a mouth to an anus. The possibilities are endless.</div><div><br /></div><div>We also found out that a film with as innocuous a title as "A Serbian Film" could be so seriously unpleasant that the plot description alone would make you want to vomit up the entire contents of your stomach as well as the contents of any stomachs in a five-mile radius. </div><div><br /></div><div>And we discovered that <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2010_in_film#Highest-grossing_films">if you really wanted to make money in movies in 2010, the average age of your audience better be under 12 years old. And failing that, the plot better be understandable at a fifth-grade level. </a></div><div><br /></div><div>"But The No Show, this is all wasting our time, please tell us: what films haven't you seen this year?" you ask. Well let me tell you: lots. Lots and lots of films did not pass in front of these eyes. We saw <i>Toy Story 3</i> of course, we're not monsters. And <i>How To Train Your Dragon</i>, because come on, it has dragons in it. But apart from that, you would be amazed how few films we bothered to see in 2010. </div><div><br /></div><div>But of all the films not seen, the film we most didn't see but might have possibly accidently seen by osmosis without having actually seen has to be <i>Inception</i>. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l816hegIus1qdwsneo1_400.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 542px;" src="http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l816hegIus1qdwsneo1_400.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a></div><div><br /></div><div>"What are you talking about?" you ask. "Of course you saw <i>Inception</i>. Everybody saw <i>Inception</i>. It was, like, a law or something."</div><div><br /></div><div>And that, dear readers, is the nub of the crux of the heart of the problem: five minutes after <i>Inception</i> was released, the first parodies were on the internets, flooding our subconscious with notions of dreams and reality and doorways and spinning tops and doughy Leonardo DiCaprio, still all baby fat after all these years (seriously, I worry about you Leo, those suits aren't helping).</div><div><br /></div><div><div>Even ginormous megastar celebrity tweeters joked about it:</div><div><br /><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/TQVnMsoocQI/AAAAAAAAAXg/T6gfn7nWjIs/s1600/Inception.gif"><img src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/TQVnMsoocQI/AAAAAAAAAXg/T6gfn7nWjIs/s400/Inception.gif" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5549955583641678082" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 152px; " /></a></div></div><div><br /></div><div>How could we possibly be asked to write a proper review based on absolutely no knowledge of the film if some knowledge crept into our brains just because we turned on our stupid computer? Seriously, it's a problem.</div><div><br /></div><div>There was only one solution. Only one person affiliated with The No Show had the complete lack of knowledge of <i>Inception</i> that was required in order to review the film in the way it most deserved: on the basis of complete and utter ignorance. </div><div><br /></div><div>With that in mind, we ask that you please listen closely this untainted and unexpectedly seasonal review of <i>Inception</i>. Enjoy.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><object data="http://boos.audioboo.fm/swf/fullsize_player.swf" height="129" id="boo_player_1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="400"><param name="movie" value="http://boos.audioboo.fm/swf/fullsize_player.swf"><param name="scale" value="noscale"><param name="salign" value="lt"><param name="bgColor" value="#FFFFFF"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><param name="wmode" value="window"><param name="FlashVars" value="mp3Title=The+No+Show%3A+Inception&mp3Time=02.50pm+12+Dec+2010&rootID=boo_player_1&mp3=http%3A%2F%2Faudioboo.fm%2Fboos%2F235908-the-no-show-inception.mp3%3Fsource%3Dembed&mp3Author=The_No_Show&mp3LinkURL=http%3A%2F%2Faudioboo.fm%2Fboos%2F235908-the-no-show-inception"><a href="http://audioboo.fm/boos/235908-the-no-show-inception.mp3?source=embed">Listen!</a></object><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>zesty petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17419775719956474883noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781170962149568723.post-26875744235961079532010-11-08T22:44:00.002+00:002010-11-08T22:45:01.279+00:00Watch this spaceIt's been too long. And now we're back. Well, I say now. I mean soon. Love The No Show.zesty petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17419775719956474883noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781170962149568723.post-24608218179426980402010-05-20T10:23:00.012+01:002010-05-20T10:52:58.350+01:00FILM REVIEW: The Tooth Fairy<span style="font-weight: bold;">UK release date: 28 May 2010</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Starring: Dwayne The Rock Johnson and a giant pooka, possibly named Harvey, definitely scarred for life.</span><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/S_T_0xL5AII/AAAAAAAAAW4/PpstEAe_GJE/s1600/tooth-fairy.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 269px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/S_T_0xL5AII/AAAAAAAAAW4/PpstEAe_GJE/s400/tooth-fairy.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5473280729183486082" border="0" /></a><br />Apparently, this film follows the story of a man with a gigantic rabbit strapped to his back.<br /><br />I'm assuming this is some sort of punishment, but I'm really not comfortable guessing what the man did or how the punishment fits the crime, though I assure you I am more than capable of imagining what kind of depraved perversion it might involve and to be honest I refuse to believe that someone might be so sick as to do that kind of thing to a poor harmless rabbit and it most certainly was not consensual and frankly, I'm a bit shocked that this kind of thing is considered suitable for children.<br /><br />Seriously Hollywood? You DISGUST me. I have nothing more to say on the matter.<br /><br /><br /><object height="246" width="400"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/nVvuoz2HjwM&hl=en_US&fs=1&"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/nVvuoz2HjwM&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="246" width="400"></embed></object><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Must-see?</span> Did you not see what this film is about? Don't be stupid. <span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />Shatner Scale:</span> Off the chart bad. Shatner commercial.zesty petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17419775719956474883noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781170962149568723.post-85411210342879336972010-04-26T15:36:00.015+01:002010-04-30T12:04:00.321+01:00FILM REVIEW: Iron Man 2<span style="font-weight: bold;">UK release date: 30 April 2010</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Starring: Robert Downey Jr and a delightful plate of delicious dumplings.</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">In a film producer's office, many years ago...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Screenwriter</span>: Thanks for seeing me, I'm really excited about pitching this idea for -<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Producer</span>: Have you had lunch?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Screenwriter</span>: Sorry?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Producer</span>: Lunch. Have you had it? Because I'm starving. I'm going to order in some lunch. You go ahead, I'm listening.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Screenwriter</span>: Right, well, here's the idea: when I was young, I loved the classic comic, Iron -<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Producer</span> <span style="font-style: italic;">(buzzing intercom)</span>: Maggie? Can you order me something? <span style="font-style: italic;">(to Screenwriter)</span> Go ahead, I'm all over it, classic moments in ironing...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Screenwriter</span>: Um, as I was saying, I was always a fan of classic comics and as soon as I heard an Iron Man film was in production, I started thinking about the sequel, so -<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Maggie</span> <span style="font-style: italic;">(on intercom)</span>: What do you want?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Producer </span><span style="font-style: italic;">(into intercom)</span>: Not sure. I'm in the mood for dumplings. <span style="font-style: italic;">(to Screenwriter)</span> Are you hungry? Go head, I'm totally with you, classic dumpling comics sequels.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Screenwriter</span>: Yes. I mean no, thank you, I'm not hungry. As I was saying, I'm sure someone is going to make Iron Man 2 -<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Maggie</span> <span style="font-style: italic;">(on intercom)</span>: Did you say you wanted mantu?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Producer</span> <span style="font-style: italic;">(into intercom)</span>: What the hell's mantu?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Maggie</span> <span style="font-style: italic;">(on intercom)</span>: <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manti_%28dumpling%29">It's a dumpling dish. It's popular in Central Asia and Turkey.</a><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Screenwriter</span>: No, wait, I didn't mean -<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Producer</span> <span style="font-style: italic;">(into intercom)</span>: Sounds perfect, go for it. <span style="font-style: italic;">(to Screenwriter)</span> You were saying: you think it's time for Iron Mantu.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Maggie</span> <span style="font-style: italic;">(on intercom)</span>: One Iranian Mantu. coming up.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Screenwriter</span>: But, no... I...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Producer</span>: I think it's a great idea. It has drama, it has action, it has flavour and it's topical. Very meaty subject matter. Something for everyone. I'm thinking... Robert Downey Jr in the lead. He's perfect: healthy but doughy. When can you show me something?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Screenwriter</span>: *blank stare* Tuesday?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Producer</span>: Fantastic, it's going to be huge. One thing: can we make the mantu American?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Screenwriter</span>: Um, sure.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Producer</span>: Excellent. (<span style="font-style: italic;">into intercom</span>) Maggie, get me Jimmy Cameron on the phone. <span style="font-style: italic;">(to Screenwriter)</span> I've heard he's dabbling in 3D, sounds interesting. Not sure if we're ready for 3D dumplings, to be honest, but it'll be huge anyway. Is it just me or are you as starving as I am right now?<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/S9qwCpV3rnI/AAAAAAAAAWo/kG2zrgAlwRQ/s1600/Manti_in_a_steam_cooker.gif"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 239px; height: 320px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/S9qwCpV3rnI/AAAAAAAAAWo/kG2zrgAlwRQ/s320/Manti_in_a_steam_cooker.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5465874657271328370" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><object height="246" width="400"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/siQgD9qOhRs&hl=en_US&fs=1&"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/siQgD9qOhRs&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="246" width="400"></embed></object><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Must-see?</span> 3D dumplings going after terrorists? Hell. Yes. <span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />Shatner Scale:</span> Full-on Kirk. No question.zesty petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17419775719956474883noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781170962149568723.post-91505859699957657692010-04-19T15:08:00.018+01:002013-11-12T10:26:14.134+00:00REVIEW: Lady Gaga - the myth (or mythter)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-size: 130%; font-weight: bold;"><br />So here's the thing: I don't know anything about Lady Gaga. </span><br />
<br />
This isn't usually a problem. Normally, when I'm looking for something to review, it has to be something I've never seen or heard or read, intentionally or otherwise. It must be something I know very little about, so that nothing influences my opinion, like knowledge or enjoyment or nausea. It keeps things honest.<br />
<br />
But the fact is that I really don't know anything about Lady Gaga. Not a thing. Nothing. Nada.<br />
<br />
I couldn't pick Lady Gaga out of a line-up, assuming they went out and found a bunch of other people who look a bit like Lady Gaga. Then again, I'd struggle to find her if she were surrounded by a band of midget penguins and she was wearing a big sign that said "Hi! I'm Lady Gaga! Ask me how!"<br />
<br />
So little, in fact, that I don't know where to start. But as my old writing teacher once said: "Write what you don't know". (Then again, he also smelled of poo and used mouthwash, but I still think he had a point.)<br />
<br />
So here are the top ten things I do not know about Lady Gaga:<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: 130%;"><span style="color: #990000; font-weight: bold;">1. Her real name. </span></span><br />
I'm pretty sure it's not Lady Gaga, though you never know these days. It's possible that her family - the Gagas - decided to call her "Lady" when she was born. Maybe she had delicate ladylike features as a baby. Or maybe they really liked Walt Disney and confused their newborn child with a Cocker Spaniel. If so, I feel sorry for her brother, Tramp Gaga. Both for the name and for those awkward moments when mom served up a heaping bowl of spaghetti and meatballs and told the kids to share.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/S87rhzBLzhI/AAAAAAAAAWg/QAgbwWf4jX8/s1600/kiss.gif" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5462562363910376978" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/S87rhzBLzhI/AAAAAAAAAWg/QAgbwWf4jX8/s320/kiss.gif" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 310px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 298px;" /></a><br />
<span style="font-size: 130%;"><span style="color: #990000; font-weight: bold;">2. Where she's from.</span></span><br />
I mean originally. Not just her home town - I don't even know what country she's from. Or planet, for that matter. Even though I'm pretty sure she would pass unnoticed in Amsterdam, from what little I've read and seen about her, she could be from Pluto. Maybe she moved to Earth when Pluto was downgraded to dwarf planet, in search of whoever decided to downgrade it, so that she could smack them with what I assume would be a shiny Diamante Plutonian stiletto? Or maybe a telephone? I understand she has a thing for telephones.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: 130%;"><span style="color: #990000; font-weight: bold;">3. What she looks like. </span></span><br />
I've seen pictures captioned "Lady Gaga", but they never look like the same person. More like contestants in an International Transgender Robots of The Future contest.<br />
<br />
I thought this was her receiving an award, but I might be wrong. I don't speak Swedish.<br />
<br />
<object height="246" width="400"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/ymCP6zC_qJU&hl=en_US&fs=1&"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/ymCP6zC_qJU&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="246" width="400"></embed></object><br />
<br />
<br />
I do know she wears sunglasses a lot, presumably to protect her tiny Plutonian eyes from the endless flashbulbs. And I believe those sunglasses sometimes have telephones or televisions attached to them. I've seen this photo floating around, but it could be a still from a lace bukkake porn scene – and you can't even see her face so there's no way to be sure it is Lady Gaga.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.fashionfame.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/lady-gaga-lace-bodysuit.jpeg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" src="http://www.fashionfame.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/lady-gaga-lace-bodysuit.jpeg" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 460px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 310px;" /></a><br />
<span style="color: #990000; font-size: 130%; font-weight: bold;">4. Her gender. </span><br />
I always assumed she was a she, but I've been fooled by the whole "Lady" thing before - never pleasant - so I've learned to be cautious. I've seen headlines saying things like "LADY GAGA'S GOT A PEE PEE" which I thought meant she had a weak bladder, but it could mean she has a penis, and I've also seen many men who look like her so maybe she is in fact a he.<br />
<br />
For example, this could be her for all I know and I don't know whether this is a he or a she or the offspring of a he and a she and a horse - the jury is still out.<br />
<br />
<object height="246" width="400"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/t7bJZKPkAcQ&hl=en_US&fs=1&"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/t7bJZKPkAcQ&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="246" width="400"></embed></object><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #990000; font-size: 130%; font-weight: bold;">5. Her age.</span><br />
She could be a very confused 16 year old boy. Or a youthful 90 year old woman. Possibly a middle aged superhero who recently retired and just can't give up the outfits. Who knows? It's very difficult to tell without more to go on. Like a birth certificate.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #990000; font-size: 130%; font-weight: bold;">6. The name of any of her songs.</span><br />
Seriously. Gun to my head, I couldn't name one. I don't even know if anything she's done has been in the charts, but that's less surprising since the charts are shite and I haven't looked at them for decades.<br />
<br />
I've heard rumours that she has a song about a telephone but that's obviously a misunderstanding and they mean the 1978 classic "Hanging on the Telephone" by Blondie. So that's one myth busted.<br />
<br />
<object height="246" width="400"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/n2INC7FtlTw&hl=en_US&fs=1&"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/n2INC7FtlTw&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="246" width="400"></embed></object><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #990000; font-size: 130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">7. The name of any of her albums.</span></span><br />
For that matter, has she actually released a full album? I should add that to the list.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #990000; font-size: 130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">8. Whether or not she's ever actually released a full album of songs.</span></span><br />
See above.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #990000; font-size: 130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">9. What her music sounds like.</span></span><br />
In my mind, something about her name suggests that the music of Lady Gaga sounds like a dinosaur gargling a bunch of kittens. Others claim she could be the vocal reincarnation of Bonnie Tyler. The fact that Bonnie Tyler is not dead doesn't seem to matter.<br />
<br />
The thing is, I may have in fact heard one of Lady Gaga's songs. Her music has probably already featured heavily in some massive ad campaign, so there's a chance, just a chance that my brain has been exposed to it at some point, even though every ad these days seems to feature "Dog Days Are Over" by Florence + the Machine. I don't watch TV much and skip ads whenever possible, but it's a powerful medium, hard to avoid.<br />
<br />
But if I have heard a Lady Gaga song, I didn't realise and it made no impression on me. This doesn't mean that, in years to come, I won't be sitting in a retirement home, drooling down my shirt, when the young staff will pipe in some nostaligic music "from the noughties" to keep us sedate, and somewhere between Coldplay and Oasis, a Lady Gaga track will come on.<br />
<br />
And in that brief moment, I may be lucid enough to ask: "What the fuck is this?" A nearby orderly may stop long enough to say, "That? That's Her Majesty Lady Gaga old man - where've you been?" At which point I will lunge for his throat and my blanket will become tangled in his hoverboard, dragging me to a horrible but long-overdue death.<br />
<br />
Apparently, the following is an example of Lady Gaga music - <a href="http://bygonebureau.com/2010/04/19/lady-gaga-covers-on-youtube/">and it's not the only one</a>. But if her music actually provokes this kind of behaviour in young and defenceless children (even those wearing what can only be described as a totally awesome ensemble), then I'm really surprised something hasn't been done to stop her/him/it. Some kind of restraining order or something. Anything, really.<br />
<br />
<object height="246" width="400"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/BzHjRKSB4qQ&hl=en_US&fs=1&"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/BzHjRKSB4qQ&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="246" width="400"></embed></object><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #990000; font-size: 130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">10. Why she's popular.</span></span><br />
The thing is, most of the time, I understand the reasons behind empty fame. Paris Hilton (boring zombie-green sex tape followed by not caring about boring zombie-green sex tape), Lindsay Lohan (onset of sudden lesbianism), Jamie Oliver (fat tongue and subsequent potential for mockery of same), Prince Harry (red-headed royal most likely to be involved in a bizarre self-immolation incident) - I get it, some people with no demonstrable skills are famous for being famous. But popularity usually requires a combination at least two of the following:<br />
<ul>
<li>Charm</li>
<li>Talent</li>
<li>Sex appeal</li>
</ul>
From what little I know, Lady Gaga struggles to tick even one of these boxes. No charming personality. No talent to leave a lasting impression. And so sexless that three pieces of duct tape and a bit of lace suffice for a modest wardrobe. Why the popularity?<br />
<br />
The answer is clear as the flimsy gauze barely covering Lady Gaga's cha-cha: she's popular because she's not real. She's a fiction, a product of mass hallucination on the part of a world desperate for good news and uncomplicated entertainment. She is an empty vessel. She is a half-baked fashion magazine come to life.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: 130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">What does all of this mean for my No Show review of Lady Gaga? Simple: Lady Gaga does not exist. And because she does not exist, there is nothing for me to review. QED.<br /><span style="font-size: 100%;"></span></span></span><br />
My work here is done.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: 85%;">PS: Based on <span style="font-style: italic;">The Usual Suspects</span> ("The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing he world he didn't exist") and following on from the above, there is another possibility: Lady Gaga is the Devil. QED. Or possibly <span id="main" style="visibility: visible;"><span id="search" style="visibility: visible;">Bonnie Tyler. Either way, h</span></span>ide your children. </span></div>
zesty petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17419775719956474883noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781170962149568723.post-88252965780181112272009-12-11T08:17:00.011+00:002010-02-08T17:42:53.544+00:00INTERVIEW: James Cameron, Emperor of Everything<span style="font-weight: bold;">An exclusive interview with James Cameron, Emperor of Everything on his latest James Cameron Epic Motion Picture™: AVATAR</span><br /><br />Now that the James Cameron Epic Motion Picture™ <span style="font-style: italic;">Avatar</span> has taken over as the Greatest James Cameron Epic Motion Picture™ Ever Made and James Cameron himself has been crowned Emperor of Everything, it's only fitting that The No Show track him down and ask him the hard hitting questions that everyone is too scared to ask for fear that he will crush them with his withering stares and his personal army of Terminators (they're totally real by the way).<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/S3BM-Qj3YiI/AAAAAAAAAWY/eSFiWCPY_ms/s1600-h/Cameron_v2.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 258px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/S3BM-Qj3YiI/AAAAAAAAAWY/eSFiWCPY_ms/s320/Cameron_v2.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5435929382717186594" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">_________________________</span><br /></div><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />The No Show:</span><br />So James - may I call you James?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Disembodied Voice of James Cameron, Emperor of Everything:</span><br />You may refer to me as James Cameron, Emperor of Everything.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The No Show:</span><br />I'm sorry...?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">TDVoJC (EoE):</span><br />Please refer to me by my given name, James Cameron, Emperor of Everything.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The No Show:</span><br />That's going to eat into a lot of our interview time.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">TDVoJC (EoE):</span><br />Don't worry your pretty little head about it. After all, I'm a Master of Time and Space.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The No Show:</span><br />Master of Time?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">TDVoJC (EoE):</span><br />And Space, yes. All Canadians are, but they're too polite to really use the skill. Those that do become incredibly successful for almost no reason whatsoever, of course. Think about it: Jim Carrey, Mike Myers, Alanis Morissette <span style="visibility: visible;" id="main"><span style="visibility: visible;" id="search"><em></em></span></span>- what have they done to deserve their success?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The No Show:</span><br />That does explain a lot.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">TDVoJC (EoE):</span><br />Absolutely. Just look at my previous Epic Motion Picture™ <span style="font-style: italic;">Titanic</span> - that flew by for millions of viewers around the world, right? And yet it clocked in at an epic 19 hours long. No-one even noticed because I squeezed it into a paltry three hours and 17 minutes.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The No Show:</span><br />It still felt pretty long.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">TDVoJC (EoE):</span><br />So if we're running short on time, I'll bend time and space to make sure you get in all your questions. So long as I approve of the questions. Otherwise, I'll rewind time and refuse this interview. And then make sure you achieve none of your lifelong ambitions. I will also un-invent the internet if you bug me. Just to make sure.<br /><br />In fact, if you do, say or suggest anything of which I do not approve, in addition to killing every pet you have ever owned, I will travel back to your early twenties and sleep with your first serious girlfriend, little... <span style="font-style: italic;">[loud electrical disturbance] </span> Mary McGoogle. <span style="font-style: italic;"></span>My she was a hottie wasn't she?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The No Show:</span><br />...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">TDVoJC (EoE):</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">[loud electrical disturbance] </span>Oh yes she was. I just went back and did her anyway. Twice. Just to show you I mean business. You should call her up and ask her. She probably wouldn't take your call though. Once you go Disembodied Master of Space and Time, you never go back, as they say. On the bright side, you'll find you have now never had crabs. You're welcome.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The No Show:</span><br />So, your film, <span style="font-style: italic;">Avatar</span>, has been breaking records all over the place -<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">TDVoJC (EoE):</span><br />Do you mean my Epic Motion Picture™ <span style="font-style: italic;">Avatar</span>?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The No Show:</span><br />Yes, the film -<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">TDVoJC (EoE):</span><br />- my Epic Motion Picture™ -<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The No Show:</span><br />- <span style="font-style: italic;">Avatar</span> has done major box office -<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">TDVoJC (EoE):</span><br />My Epic Motion Picture™ <span style="font-style: italic;">Avatar</span> is has been are doing precisely the box office I am are making it do. Done. Sorry, tenses get a bit squiffy with time travel.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The No Show:</span><br />Did your plans include being knocked off the top spot in the US by <span style="font-style: italic;">Dear John</span>, by all accounts a soppy romance with virtually no story and no big Hollywood names?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">TDVJC (EoE):</span><br />Yes. This was exactly as I made it happen. My Epic Motion Picture™ <span style="font-style: italic;">Avatar</span> beat the record box office run established by my previous Epic Motion Picture™ <span style="font-style: italic;">Titanic</span>, and my next Epic Motion Picture™ will beat my current Epic Motion Picture™ and so on and so forth. It's a long-term strategy.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The No Show:</span><br />And you made this happen...?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">TDVoJC (EoE):</span><br />Absolutely. I manipulated time and space, went back and forth, checked out the films that were due to be released around this time and chose<span style="font-style: italic;"> Dear John</span>, which was the least threatening.<br /><br />Then, late at night while everybody was sleeping, I crept into their rooms and whispered, "You will go see <span style="font-style: italic;">Dear John</span> this weekend. You will go see <span style="font-style: italic;">Dear John</span> this weekend. This will not affect your unquestioning devotion to James Cameron's Epic Motion Picture™ <span style="font-style: italic;">Avatar</span>." Lo and behold, my Epic Motion Picture™ <span style="font-style: italic;">Avatar</span> drops to second place. And this way, no-one even noticed that my Epic Motion Picture™ <span style="font-style: italic;">Avatar</span><span> had virtually no s</span>tory.<br /><br />As for the Epic box office performance of my Epic Motion Picture™ <span style="font-style: italic;">Avatar</span><span>, well, what can I say? I've always done well with </span>sequels.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The No Show:</span><br />Sequel?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">TDVJC (EoE):</span><br />Well, technically my Epic Motion Picture™ <span> </span><span style="font-style: italic;">Avatar</span><span> i</span>s the fourteenth in a series.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The No Show:</span><br />But <span style="font-style: italic;">Avatar</span> -<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">TDVJC (EoE):</span><br />- my Epic Motion Picture™ <span style="font-style: italic;">Avatar</span> -<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The No Show:</span><br />Whatever, it wasn't a sequel.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">TDVJC (EoE):</span><br />Of course it was, the first one bombed, don't you remember? Then I did all those test screenings, made the Na'vi skinny and half-naked, gave the female ones pert little Shakira-like breasts and - oh no, of course you don't. Silly me, always forgetting these things. Interesting story: in fact, this is the fourteenth release of the film, you just don't remember them. I kept going back in time, simplifying the story, making it more familiar and comfortable for audiences and adding more partial nudity and explosions and special effects until BAM, I had a multi-million dollar hit on my hands. Simples.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The No Show:</span><br />Is that why the film -<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">TDVJC (EoE):</span><br />- Epic Motion Picture™ -<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The No Show:</span><br />- has been described as a mix between <span style="font-style: italic;">Pocahontas</span>, <span style="font-style: italic;">The Dark Crystal</span> and the Smurfs, but for adults?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">TDVJC (EoE):</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">[loud electrical disturbance] </span><br />... I'm sorry, what were you saying?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The No Show:</span><br />... Hm, that's funny, I don't remember.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">TDVJC (EoE):</span><br />That's fine. You were asking how it feels to have created what many are calling the most Epic cinematic experience since my last Epic Motion Picture™ <span style="font-style: italic;">Titanic</span>.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The No Show:</span><br />Was I? I don't recall...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">TDVJC (EoE):</span><br />No problem. It feels great.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The No Show:</span><br />Um OK, thanks for taking the time to speak with us.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">TDVJC (EoE):</span><br />My pleasure. And remember: my next Epic Motion Picture™, <span style="font-style: italic;">The Little Mermaid</span>, comes out next year. And it will be in 4D, a technology I haven't even invented yet, but I'm confident I'll be able to borrow from somewhere in time and claim as my own with a few very minor tweaks.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The No Show:</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">The Little Mermaid</span>? You mean like the Disney –<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">TDVJC (EoE):</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">[loud electrical disturbance] </span><br />... I'm sorry, what were you saying?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The No Show:</span><br />Um, sorry, I've lost my train of thought. In any case, we've run out of time, so I'll just say thanks to the Disembodied Voice of James Cameron, Emperor of Everything, and we look forward to what I'm sure will have been your next biggest Epic Motion Picture™ ever.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">TDVJC (EoE):</span><br />Now you're getting it.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The No Show:</span><br />By the way, I loved <span style="font-style: italic;">Citizen Kane</span>.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">TDVJC (EoE):</span><br />Thanks. I was particularly proud of that one.zesty petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17419775719956474883noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781170962149568723.post-41383246137571005592009-11-10T13:43:00.016+00:002009-11-11T13:25:22.669+00:00FILM REVIEW: 2012<span style="font-weight: bold;">UK release date: 13 November 2009</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Starring: John Cusack and a bunch of other people we're going to assume are just paying the bills </span><br /><br />It's a film. Called "2012". I totally haven't seen it. As usual. And since the posters don't have any amateur athletes getting blown away by some evil terrorist organisation that's totally trying to get rid of major global sporting events forever, I'm guessing this isn't some Olympics-based mega-action thriller.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">That only leaves one option. Time travel. And that sucks.</span><br /><br />Why? Because if you're going to spend all that time and money to build a freaking time machine, if you're going to give up any chance you might have had to hook up with that hot girl who lives next door that you've always secretly wanted to lick just to see what hotness tastes like, if you're going to absolutely guarantee that you will never get that big career break that you always wanted but that was being held up by an ancient co-worker who just refuses to die or retire, and you do all that to create a machine that could take you ANYWHERE or ANYWHEN, then why in the name of all that is horny would you go to 2012?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Dude, that's like TWO YEARS from now.</span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/Svq42_XXO4I/AAAAAAAAAVw/VWZAwngAsDo/s1600-h/John%2BCusack%2B2012.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 272px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/Svq42_XXO4I/AAAAAAAAAVw/VWZAwngAsDo/s320/John%2BCusack%2B2012.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5402833957846203266" border="0" /></a><br />Why not go back 43 minutes? That's what I'd do. Just so I could avoid getting on to that lift and letting rip with that very evil and very ripe one I just couldn't hold in. (I swear it wasn't intentional. Honestly. Even I thought it was nasty and I kind of like my own stink so I can only imagine how horrifying it must have been for the seven other people stuck in there with me.)<br /><br />Or maybe I'd go back to last night when I ordered that curry in the first place, so I could change my mind, maybe get something healthy instead of something that turned me into a freaking leaky toxic dump of olfactory death.<br /><br />Or better yet, I'd jump forward by about 100 years, when I'm pretty sure that everyone that was with me on that lift would be good and dead and any trace of the smell from that lift would be long gone (or at least so faint that you'd only really smell it if you found the lift, buried your face deep into the fabric covering the floor and took a deep sniff).<br /><br />But two years? That thing would still be lingering in the lobby of the building, looking for someone else to disgust.<br /><br />Sure, Doc Brown only sent Einstein ahead in time by one minute, but that was just a <u style="font-weight: bold;">test</u>. Plus, it was a <u style="font-weight: bold;">dog</u>. And the dog didn't even realise what had happened. And then Marty McFly and Doc Brown were all like 'Hey, we need to go back in time and then forward in time and then back again' and generally all over the joint in those three films. Sometimes they were even in the same place and time as their earlier selves who didn't even know they were there. Which is, like, WHOA. And we don't even know how many times the dudes jumped when the cameras weren't rolling. <u style="font-weight: bold;">Plus</u> they rebuilt the stupid DeLorean as an awesome train. Now <u style="font-weight: bold;">that</u> is time travel.<br /><br />Jesus, even Bill and Ted went all over the place. <u><span style="font-weight: bold;">And</span></u> picked up passengers. <u><span style="font-weight: bold;">And</span></u> their time machine was held together with freaking chewing gum. <u><span style="font-weight: bold;">And they were idiots.</span></u> I mean come ON.<br /><br />And what about Bruce Willis? Dude wasn't even in charge of his time travel and he moved around way more, hell he even managed to get shot in one time, have his picture taken there and then have the bullet removed in another time and made damned sure his hot girlfriend totally saw the awesome photograph form World War I. Yes, yes, he totally screwed the whole "stop the plague" thing from happening because he got all caught up in a monkey thing, but who wouldn't, am I right? <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">It was MONKEYS.</span></span> And he was pretty shook up. From the time travel. Totally forgivable.<br /><br />Anyway, not impressed, 2012 time travelling film-making dudes. Not impressed.<br /><br />But at least we can all learn something: if you're thinking about jumping around in time, try jumping at least 30 years, so the clothes will have changed. Because I'm guessing Uggs are still going to be around in 2012. And I fucking hate Uggs.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Must-see?</span> No. Just wait two years and you'll find out what happens anyway. <span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />Shatner Scale:</span> Off the charts. We're talking unauthorised Shatner biography here.<br /><br /><object height="246" width="400"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Hz86TsGx3fc&hl=en&fs=1&"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Hz86TsGx3fc&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="246" width="400"></embed></object>zesty petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17419775719956474883noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781170962149568723.post-16221036865154427712009-07-04T13:00:00.000+01:002009-07-07T13:00:20.354+01:00MUSIC REVIEW: Foot of the Mountain by A-Ha (Part 1)<b>UK Release Date: 13 July 2009</b><br /><br />When news reached The No Show headquarters that A-Ha has a new album coming out (<span style="font-style: italic;">Foot of the Mountain)</span>, we were surprised. So surprised that we felt this surprise could only be captured via the always surprising medium of comic. So we whipped together a stunningly beautiful piece of comic art with which we hoped to surprise you in much the same way. Then we were surprised to find that Blogger sets size limitations on uploads. Not surprisingly, this makes reading our beautiful comic a bit of a challenge, as you can see:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SlMWdhwJWgI/AAAAAAAAAVo/JZXlLiwSzEw/s1600-h/15653949.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 283px; height: 400px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SlMWdhwJWgI/AAAAAAAAAVo/JZXlLiwSzEw/s400/15653949.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5355649078405978626" border="0" /></a><br />"A-Ha!" we said. "We know how to get around this!"<br /><br />And so we uploaded the bugger to <a href="http://twitpic.com/">Twitpic.com</a>. Because Twitpic doesn't mess around with stupid size limitations.<br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><a href="http://twitpic.com/9binx"><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Click here for the larger, more readable version. On our best friend, Twitpic. </span></a><br /></span><br />Then, if you like, come back here. Or stay there. Whatever, we're not your mother.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Must hear?</span> Not sure yet. Waiting to find out what Alan Partridge thinks. Stay tuned. <span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />Shatner Scale:</span> TJ Hooker. We kinda liked "Take On Me", but "Hunting High and Low" was annoying.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">Editor's note: "Photos" used in the comic were "mashed-up" from the "internet" for the purposes of "satire" which we think means they qualify as "fair use" but if you "own" one of the images let us know if you think they have been used "inappropriately" or something, and we'll see what we can "do".</span>zesty petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17419775719956474883noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781170962149568723.post-63883557854367337962009-06-23T22:32:00.005+01:002009-06-24T07:50:53.273+01:00MEGA REVIEW: The Top Seven Movies The No Show Will Not Be Seeing This SummerDespite all evidence to the contrary, it is summer. That means it's time for MegaBig Multimillion Dollar Blockbuster Powerhouses with Extra Power and Explosions and Nudity and Merchandising and Hilarious Porn Films That Take the Original Blockbuster's Name and Make it Sound a Bit Dirty.<br /><br />It also means it's time for...<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Top Seven Movies The No Show Will Not Be Seeing This Summer </span></span><br /><br />Per The No Show rules, of course, we haven't seen any of these films, but they're so special that we're definitely not going to see any of them. No question.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcg5t0mT8V4"><span style="font-weight: bold;">1. Terminator: Salivation</span></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">UK Release Date:</span> 3 June 2009<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SkD5AV54iLI/AAAAAAAAAUA/iXNMpZA4E-I/s1600-h/Gov._Arnold_Schwarzeneggar.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 238px; height: 296px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SkD5AV54iLI/AAAAAAAAAUA/iXNMpZA4E-I/s320/Gov._Arnold_Schwarzeneggar.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5350550141591390386" border="0" /></a>As movie timelines goes, this pretty much sucks. They should have stuck to the <span style="font-style: italic;">Back to the Future</span> Formula for Time-Travel Film Success: good one, rubbish one, Western one. (Or the <span style="font-style: italic;">Seven Samurai</span> Formula for Success in Everything: Good Original Japanese one, Pretty Good Western copy, Every Other Rubbish one).<br /><br />Instead, <span style="font-style: italic;">Terminator</span> goes all serious. Except it's not. It's Kindergarten Cop versus Batman. In the future. Directed by the Charlie's Angels guy. Not sure why anyone would want to see a film that follows the plight of the Terminators and their struggles with rust and the perils of excess salivation due to old age, but what do I know?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">If this film were a bag, it would be:</span> A man's clutch bag, something that people get excited about every few years but then shove in a cupboard in sheer embarrassment<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Box-office final figure:</span> £1bn (in nachos alone)<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Porno version: </span>Sperminator: Lubrication<br /><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7InTpNWJ4HQ"><span style="font-weight: bold;">2. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen</span></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">UK Release Date:</span> 19 June 2009<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SkD8akNe5qI/AAAAAAAAAUI/CdjoGcSqzKE/s1600-h/Transformer.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 278px; height: 320px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SkD8akNe5qI/AAAAAAAAAUI/CdjoGcSqzKE/s320/Transformer.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5350553890643175074" border="0" /></a>First, if you're a giant fuckoff robot killing machine from another planet, you don't disguise yourself as a giant driverless fuckoff robot killing machine truck/ helicopter/ missile from outer space. Try a pirate costume or a knight or a chef or a Scottish fucking housekeeper or a spooky fairground owner.<br /><br />Second, why "The Revenge of the Fallen"? Why not "Transformers 2"? I'll tell you why. Because when you're Producer Director God Michael Bay, you never do what the audience expects. Just when your audience is expecting something to explode like BAM! you explode it like BOOM! You explode that thing in a totally different way. They never expect that.<br /><br />With this in mind, Bay will no doubt be exploding things in new and exciting ways for years to come, in future titles like:<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Transformers: The Passion of the Optimus Prime</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Transformers: 120 days of Sodom</span> (Japanese release only)<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Transformers: Battleship Potemkin 2</span> (this time it turns into a big fucking yellow robot)<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Box-office final figure:</span> £575m (unless the summer weather finally turns up and children rediscover the joys of Swingball, in which care it'll earn around £3.75)<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">If this film were a bag, it would be:</span> A really expensive colostomy bag. Overflowing. With no one to empty it ever. Then it would explode. (BAM!)<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Porno version: </span>Transgenders: Slice off the ballbag<br /><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4gvxUlGNAs"><span style="font-weight: bold;">3. Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs</span></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">UK Release Date:</span> 1 July 2009<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SkD-WdjBDwI/AAAAAAAAAUQ/wbIcBsPPKuo/s1600-h/Mammoth.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 309px; height: 320px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SkD-WdjBDwI/AAAAAAAAAUQ/wbIcBsPPKuo/s320/Mammoth.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5350556019158224642" border="0" /></a>This is exactly the same story as <span style="font-style: italic;">Terminator</span> if you replace Arnie with Ice and Sarah and John Connor with a mammoth, a tiger and a squirrel or whatever the hell that scrawny acorn junkie is supposed to be. In the first one, the ice travels through time to kill them and they run away. In the second one, the ice is even more dangerous because it's melting, just like the Terminator in Termintor 2, and now in three, things are rising just like in Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. I realise this ice age title says "dawn" but that's pretty much the same thing as rising. Plus, it features dinosaurs, just like Arnie in Terminator 3 .[<span style="font-style: italic;">Ed's note: ZING!</span>]<br /><br />This means we can look forward to Ice Age 4 in the years ahead, which will be all serious and star Christian Bale and be called something like Ice Age: Ice Ice Baby, featuring a giant murderous prehistoric Vanilla Ice.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">If this film were a bag, it would be:</span> A magic bag full of your crushed hopes and dreams.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Box-office final figure:</span> A bag of magic beans that turn into a bean stalk.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Porno version: </span>Spice Age: Porn of the (Spearmint) Rhino Whores<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">[Ed's note: And that's how to stretch a not veyr funny gag, ladies and g'men]</span><br /><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PaoLy7PHwk"><span style="font-weight: bold;">4. Public Enemies</span></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">UK Release Date:</span> 1 July 2009<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SkD_Z4MTFQI/AAAAAAAAAUY/xPbYjRNK6oM/s1600-h/Public_Enemy_4.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 306px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SkD_Z4MTFQI/AAAAAAAAAUY/xPbYjRNK6oM/s320/Public_Enemy_4.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5350557177361929474" border="0" /></a>Not sure it was wise to hire Johnny Depp and Christian Bale to take the lead roles in what we assume is a fictionalised account of the rise of Public Enemy, but who are we to question Michael Mann? After all, this is the director who brought us <span style="font-style: italic;">Miami fucking Vice</span>. I for one can't wait to see Bale bringing down the house with his version of "Pollywanacraka" or "Bring the Noise" as Depp cold-lamps behind him shouting "Are you aware of what time it is?"<br /><br />One thing though: just because Christian Bale has a bad case of serious face doesn't mean he has to be in everything. However, the fact that Johnny Depp is in it means we're guaranteed meaningless sequels like <span style="font-style: italic;">Public Enemies: Voyage to the End of the Abyss</span> or <span style="font-style: italic;">Public Enemies: Arrgh Arrgh, I've Got a Parrot</span>.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">If this film were a bag, it would be:</span> A scrotum. Thin and rubbery and containing two bollocks.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Box-office final figure:</span> Anywhere between £2.00 and £25,000,000. Rounding up.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Porno version: </span>Pubic Enemas. EASY!!!<br /><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wclDW5nAaBc"><span style="font-weight: bold;">5. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince</span></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">UK Release Date:</span> 15 July 2009<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SkEAr51exHI/AAAAAAAAAUg/nVGlMYlxoIw/s1600-h/Prince_%28musician%29.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 242px; height: 320px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SkEAr51exHI/AAAAAAAAAUg/nVGlMYlxoIw/s320/Prince_%28musician%29.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5350558586552370290" border="0" /></a>I don't understand: is this actually going to star Prince? What does he have to do with Harry Potter? And are they calling him half-blood as part of some racist ploy to get tabloid attention?<br /><br />If this does star Prince - and we at The No Show are in no position to confirm or deny this - I expect complaints. After all, this is the man who sang about a girl named Nikki who was a "sex queen" who he met "in a hotel lobby masturbating with a magazine". Is this the kind of thing we want to show our kids? They say these were the books that got our kids reading again. No wonder they're all such fucking spasmo hoodie knife-crazy fucknuts. Ban this sick filth.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">If this film were a bag, it would be:</span><br />A wizard's sleeve. Make of that what you will.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Box-office final figure:</span><br />Every single penny in the known universe, leaving JK Rowling so wealthy she will be granted ownership of the Isle of Wight, just in case she ever tries to withdraw her money from the bank.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Porno version: </span><br />Hairy Putter and the hard wood ponce [Ed: That really is bloody rubbish.]<br /><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1-cK5P4EDE"><span style="font-weight: bold;">6. G-Force</span></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">UK Release Date:</span> 31 July 2009<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SkEBmIY7VzI/AAAAAAAAAUo/ziA2xHeEiq8/s1600-h/Gerbil.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 246px; height: 320px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SkEBmIY7VzI/AAAAAAAAAUo/ziA2xHeEiq8/s320/Gerbil.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5350559586891552562" border="0" /></a>All you need to know is this. The G stands for "gerbils". The Force stands for "force". If you've seen <span style="font-style: italic;">Ultimate Force with Ross Kemp</span> or <span style="font-style: italic;">Ross Kemp on Gangs</span>, this is like those, except replace Ross Kemp with a gerbil and everything else with loads more gerbils. That's it.<br /><br />It's like an animated <span style="font-style: italic;">Mission Impossible</span> with gerbils in which the gerbils have to escape through Tom Cruise's back door [<span style="font-style: italic;">Ed's note: Back door can mean two things and we definitely mean the hard wooden one that closes off the end of Tom's long passage. And yes, we know how that sounds but really, that's you, not us.</span>]<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">If this film were a bag, it would be:</span> A brown paper bag. Innocent on the outside but full of filth on the inside.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Box-office final figure:</span> 18p (or however much pocket money seven-year-old children get these days)<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Porno version: </span>G-Spot Force (they just make it too easy)<br /><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_D_G84198o"><span style="font-weight: bold;">7. Land of the Lost</span></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">UK Release Date:</span> 31 July 2009<br /><br />Will Ferrell. Anna Friel. Dinosaurs. Time-travelling robots. Once again, a TV show no-one remembers becomes a film no-one will see. It's <span style="font-style: italic;">The English Patient</span> all over again*.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Land of the Lost</span> will undoubtedly be a work of cataract-inducing arse candy, like a Brendan Fraser film where you replace Brendan Fraser with a giant cancerous tumour and the action swirls around the cancerous tumour for two hours telling the kinds of jokes that wouldn't even make it in an Adam Sandler film. A film so bad I can't even be bothered to track down a picture of Will Ferrell's head and stick it on the body of Benjamin Linus (from <span style="font-style: italic;">Lost</span>) and then add a badly drawn picture of a dinosaur gnawing on his testicles. You'll just have to imagine it.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">If this film were a bag, it would be:</span> One of the blue ones you get from corner shops that rip instantly.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Box-office final figure:</span> Nothing It will be the first major blockbuster since <span style="font-style: italic;">Speed Racer</span> to be seen by absolutely no one.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Porno version: </span>Labia of the lust 2: Spunk in my hair.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFyjqwn9IvE"><span style="font-weight: bold;">7. GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra</span></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">UK release date:</span> 7 August 2009<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SkFJauBbqxI/AAAAAAAAAUw/b8GCPLqEg5Y/s1600-h/Indiancobra.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 307px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SkFJauBbqxI/AAAAAAAAAUw/b8GCPLqEg5Y/s320/Indiancobra.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5350638555672324882" border="0" /></a>I used to play with GI Joe when I was kid, except in Great Britain we called him "Action Man". Which is unfortunate because instead of sounding like a powerhouse of military might, he sounded like some kind of slimy plastic swinger looking for a good time on a Saturday night.<br /><br />If the directors of this piece of genius follow the story that I came up with for my GI Joe/Action Man, Joe will fall off a roof, be rescued by Han Solo and Steve Austin, get a spaceship to rescue a teddy bear who is being held prisoner by a dragon and/or a football who was like a terrifying blob monster if my mum asked. When Joe arrives he is kidnapped and tied to a chair and me and Barry Teller, my next door neighbour, shot him with an air rifle. Then I took Joe inside and we watched <span style="font-style: italic;">The Clangers</span> and ate Mojos.<br /><br />If they follow that storyline to the letter, this film will rule and be awesome. But they won't. They never do.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">If this film were a bag, it would be:</span> A school lunchbag. The kind that looks just cool enough for Billy Faversham to steal from you at lunchtime because Barry Teller won't help defend you and he's an idiot.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Box-office final figure:</span> A gajamzillion dollars.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Porno version: </span><span style="font-style: italic;">GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra</span> already sounds like a porn film<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">* You didn't know? <span style="font-style: italic;">The English Patient</span> started out as a sitcom, but didn't really work. Turns out people really don't find burn victims funny. However, Willem Dafoe did steal the show as David Caravaggio, the thumbless thief . His hilariously ironic catchphrase "I'm all thumbs" took the world by storm. Especially in some of the more literal Middle Eastern countries, where thumb removal quickly became the punishment of choice for thieves, just so those enforcing the law could shout the catchphrase. It continued to draw appreciative applause from the crowds for years afterwards.<br /><br />Also: all these photos were found on Wikimedia Commons. Some rights apply, or something.<br /></span>zesty petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17419775719956474883noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781170962149568723.post-27362782759140274332009-06-15T01:08:00.013+01:002009-06-15T12:11:26.892+01:00FILM REVIEW: Moon<b>UK release date: 17 July 2009<br />Starring: Sam Rockwell and Kevin Spacey</b><br /><br />Duncan Jones (aka Zowie Bowie, son of David Bowie). Sam Rockwell. Kevin Spacey (as the voice of the robot). The Moon. Put them all together and what have you got? <div><br /></div><div>A recipe for one of the gayest romps ever to hit the big screen.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/c0/Lunar_libration_with_phase2.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 356px; height: 334px;" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/c0/Lunar_libration_with_phase2.gif" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"><b>That's right ladies and gentlemen, they've only gone and done it: <i>Moon</i> will be the first film that finally - *finally* - explores the much-discussed-but-never-featured-in-a-mainstream-Hollywood-production love-that-dare-not-beep-its-name between a man and his robot.</b></span></div><br />It's been a long time coming [<i>Ed's note: please refrain from bad sex-based puns</i>]. After all, robots are totally gay. Just ask Bender. [<i>Ed's note: Seriously. Stop it.</i>]<br /><br />Sure, we've all seen the erotic adventures of gay androids (gaydroids) in space (<i>Star Wars</i>). And we've certainly had same-sex couples in space (Han and Chewy, Han and Leia). And we've even had same-sex sentient animal-robot love (Chewy, C3PO). But this is the first time anyone has dared explore the nuts and bolts [<i>Ed's note: final warning</i>] of a hot and oily human-robot gay love affair in space.*<br /><br />Oh sure, some have tried to tackle the subject in metaphor, but it's never been convincing or erotic enough. For example, the various Terminator models were obviously just mechanical stand-ins for big ol' leather-clad bulls looking for a good time on a 20th-century Saturday night. (Sometimes a cigar really isn't a cigar, is it Arnie? Sometimes, it's just a big stinky penis metaphor.)<br /><br />And I'm pretty sure we all knew what HAL 9000 was after when he whispered, "Daisy, Daisy/Give me your answer do/I'm half crazy/all for the love of you" while slobbering over "a bicycle built for two", evoking images of daisy chains and hot, sweaty, throbbing red spots.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><b>Until now, no-one has had the courage to turn the spotlight on the electromomechanosexual in us all. </b></span></div><br />Some would argue that society isn't ready for gay robot-man love. They would point to the fact that Adam Sandler's comedy pilot "Gay Robot" was never aired. They would be wrong. That show never aired because it was shit and based on a shit sketch from one of Sandler's shit albums. One horny gay robot trying to convince heterosexual human males to gay him. And I'm going to assume there was at least one joke involving a vacuum cleaner.<br /><br />These naysayers are the same people who failed to see the love that blossomed between Dr Smith and The Robot in <i>Lost in Space</i>. The same people who ignored the undercurrents of rusty interracial love in <i>Short Circuit</i>.<br /><br /><i>Moon</i> will set the record straight [<i>Ed's note: I'll let that one go</i>]. Based on the very little information we bothered to look up, apart from the title and the cast and the fact that it wasn't a biopic on Moon Unit Zappa, this film sees Moon-based miner Sam Rockwell probing for helium deep into the inner untouched parts of the Moon. [<i>Ed's note: Seriously, enough</i>.]<br /><br />If that isn't sexy enough, he's alone and sweaty on the moon with a robot. A sexy, lonely robot voiced by Kevin Spacey who may not be gay but who is certainly prepared to stretch himself for his art. <i>[Ed's note: Ok, that's bordering on unpleasant.</i>]<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SjWWHkf2Z5I/AAAAAAAAAT4/ACu6RblzawU/s1600-h/5927_NASA.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 320px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SjWWHkf2Z5I/AAAAAAAAAT4/ACu6RblzawU/s320/5927_NASA.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5347345189372848018" border="0" /></a><br /></div><div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Having not seen the film, we can only assume that the unspoken love between these two beings follows the tried and tested accepted </span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Hollywood Rules for Gay Love in Films, which are as follows:</span></span></div><br />1. Unspoken glances between same-sex persons are acceptable so long as one character looks uncomfortable with the situation.<br /><br />2. Characters may brush up against each other by accident, but only crotch to butt - crotch to crotch brushes are not acceptable, even when one of the characters is metal. Lingering finger- to-metal digit contact will be tolerated. However, insertion of either digit into any part of the other being will cause the whole thing to be shut down.<br /><br />3. Same-sex kisses must be quick, dry and inherently unsexy, usually followed by extreme hugging, hair tussling and, if pushing the boundaries, awkward and frankly ridiculous neck licking. In the case of gay man-gaydroid love, care must be taken as this may lead to electrocution and/or short circuiting. Under no circumstances will nipple/bolt licking be tolerated.<br /><br />4. Gay sex encounters must be inherently seedy. Back alleyways [<i>Ed's note: careful</i>], cubicles in public toilets and tents on a mountainside are acceptable. Romantic settings with beds and sheets and candles and same sex couples are typically only seen when the same sex couple is female and there is usually another person watching and/or filming nearby. Probably in a closet with those slats they can peek through. And they usually join in eventually.<br /><br />5. Gay sex encounters between men must border on violent - like really aggressive wrestling - and almost fully clothed. Unless you're Oliver Reed, in which case gay sex involves actual naked wrestling on a carpet in front of a large fire.</div><div><br /></div><div>6. Spitting on the hand is now considered taboo because most non-gay persons didn't know what the hell it implied when Heath Ledger did it in <i>Brokeback Mountain</i> until it was too late. (See also Rule #3, re: electrocution)<br /><br /></div><div>Ultimately, this potentially groundbreaking epic will be let down not by its exploration of an unspoken moment between two sentient beings with similar genitalia, but by the sci-fi nerds in the audience who will giggle themselves to death while shouting "Danger Will Robinson" every time the Spacey gaydroid looks longingly at Sam Rockwell.</div><div><br />My only hope is that the ad campaign features Rockwell's builder's butt gracing billboards across the UK, revealing a tattoo that reads "All your butts are belong to us", enticing the audience in with the promise of the electromomechanical love that shall not beep its binary code. Maybe then this unnecessary taboo can be put to rest at long last.</div><div><br /></div><div>It's not much, but it would be a start.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Must-see?</span> Absolutely. This film must be given all the support it can, for the rights of gaydroids today and tomorrow. <span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />Shatner Scale:</span> TJ Hooker. Because he could have been a gaydroid.<br /><br /><br /><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">*Battlestar Galactica doesn't count. There were no gay Cylons, just threesomes with two female Cylon models. Which is totally not gay</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">.</span></i><br /><br /><br /><object height="246" width="400"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/pIexG8179K8&hl=en&fs=1&"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/pIexG8179K8&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="246" width="400"></embed></object><br /><br /></div>zesty petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17419775719956474883noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781170962149568723.post-38026372835626373382009-05-21T14:27:00.007+01:002009-05-22T00:26:47.905+01:00FILM REVIEW: Inglourious Basterds<span style="font-weight: bold;">UK release date: 21 August 2009</span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />but it's already </span><a style="font-weight: bold;" href="http://www.vimeo.com/4762819">premiered at Cannes</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> so there's plenty of time to rubbish it completely before it ever sees the light of day here </span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />Starring: </span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Bradley Pitts and some less famous, less good-lookin' folks</span><br /><br />Tarantino's fetish for all things Irish has finally come full circle. At long last, he's produced the film he's been threatening to make since he first exploded onto the cinematic screen with <span style="font-style: italic;">Riverdance Dogs, Jackie O'Brown, Kilkenny Bill</span> and <span style="font-style: italic;">Kilkenny Bill 2</span> - to say nothing of his original Irish classic, <span style="font-style: italic;">Pulp Fecktion</span>.<br /><br />Now, he turns his attention to the little filmed, often debated, Irish-only sport of Hurling - a sort of cross between Rollerball, croquet, lacrosse and crochet. [<span style="font-style: italic;">Ed's note: We've never actually seen hurling being played. Or even pictures of it being played. To be honest, we might have made up this sport during one of our heavier drinking sessions. Independent verification would be appreciated.</span>]<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/ShViUnAixeI/AAAAAAAAATo/mBD45OlWPdc/s1600-h/Quentin_Tarantino.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 300px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/ShViUnAixeI/AAAAAAAAATo/mBD45OlWPdc/s320/Quentin_Tarantino.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5338281039525758434" border="0" /></a><br />The film follows the ups and downs of the Inglourious Basterds, Ireland's worst ever hurling team (the title refers to the tiny Irish village of Inglourious and the hilarious fact that the Irish can't spell) - these guys just can't hurl.<br /><br />As Tarantino might write in one of his trademark, self-indulgent, overly wordy, full-fat, static piece of "laugh at my own jokes" movie referencing monologues: 'These guys are the Liz Hurley of Hurling. Sure, you'd fuck 'em but you wouldn't put them in a remake of Bedazzled, because the 1969 Pete and Dud original was like fucking awesome and then, they stick fucking Liz Hurley as the Devil and, like Brendan 'Lantern jaw....' and so on.<br /><br />Professional cinematic dreamboat, Lothario and international child gatherer Bradley Pitts plays a former Hurling grand master who was also once a member of the IRA (Sports Violence Division). He wants a shot at redemption and realises that coaching the Inglourious Basterds may be his final shot.<br /><br />Along the way, he'll have to defeat his demons, spout a lot of meaningless movie in-jokes and train this team of lacklustre losers to beat rivals such as the Waterford Wankers, the Drogheads Dickwads, the Cork Suckers (funny, funny Quentin) and the Tipperary Twats.<br /><br />This being a Tarantino "sports violence" movie, we see the Basterds' victory right at the beginning and Pitts is only introduced halfway through but is constantly referenced in the way Sergio Leone used to do in his films and that.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/ShVY0jJZjjI/AAAAAAAAATg/hVvdSprMf0k/s1600-h/CorkHurlingWindowPainting.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 316px; height: 320px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/ShVY0jJZjjI/AAAAAAAAATg/hVvdSprMf0k/s320/CorkHurlingWindowPainting.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5338270593128697394" border="0" /></a>There's also a ridiculously hip and ironic soundtrack featuring La Roux, Senor Coconut, Black Flag and Sinitta. And of course, the meaning of "So Macho" is discussed at length, a la the "Like a Virgin" bit in <span style="font-style: italic;">Riverdance Dogs</span>, as Tarantino shifts from referential to self-referential and comes very close to disappearing up his own meta-arsehole.<br /><br />And won't that be funny when it's quoted ver-fucking- batim back at you in the pub? Yes, all the Tarantino trademarks are here and no Blarney stone of cinematic cliche is left unturned.<br /><br />The writer/director says that this will be the first in a trilogy of "Micksploitation" cinema, in the grand tradition of <span style="font-style: italic;">Leprechaun, Leprechaun 2 : One Wedding and Lots of Funerals</span> and <span style="font-style: italic;">The Magical Legend of the Leprechauns</span> (for which Colm Meaney was forced to apologise to all of Ireland under threat of losing his nationality).<br /><br />Tarantino will be following <span style="font-style: italic;">Inglourious Basterds</span> with <span style="font-style: italic;">Da Lidl People</span>, about midget supermarket workers who start a motorcycle gang and then <span style="font-style: italic;">Limerick Licking Lesbians</span>, his first (and pray to your own god, last) excursion into porn.<br /><br />At least, that's what we think it's about. Based on the posters and stuff. Remember, we haven't actually seen it or anything.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Must-see?</span> To be sure, to be sure (because that's what Irish people say, don't they?) <span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />Shatner Scale:</span> Kirk (and nothing ever gets that)<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Pictures courtesy of Wikimedia Commons. <a href="http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Quentin_Tarantino.jpg">Some terms and conditions apply, but we can't figure them out</a>.<br /></span><span style="font-style: italic;"><br /></span></span><br /><br /><object height="246" width="400"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/73MdGnI080U&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/73MdGnI080U&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="246" width="400"></embed></object>zesty petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17419775719956474883noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781170962149568723.post-75666405808005570662009-05-20T15:14:00.001+01:002009-05-20T15:19:10.836+01:00THE NO SHOW GUIDE TO SPOTTING COUNTERFEIT DVDsIn accordance with <span style="font-weight: bold;">The No Show</span> rules, we don't usually buy DVDs or spend any money on seeing any of the films we review or support the industry in any way, shape or form. But the last time we bought a DVD, we've discovered something. And what we discovered shocked and horrified us.<br /><br />Apparently, people are making counterfeit DVDs and then selling them on to unsuspecting punters.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >But the shocking horror doesn't end there.</span><br /></div><br />If the authorities are to be believed - and we always believe whatever the goverment or any highly-paid organisation in the pocket of big business tell us - some of the money being spent on these fake DVDs is being used to fund terrorism.<br /><br />We're not sure what kind of terrorism that might be. Perhaps it pays for the terrorist's clothes, maybe their backpacks, or even the cell phones on which they record their terrifying messages to be broadcast on terror websites for other terrorists and media outlets.<br /><br />For all we know, maybe the DVDs themselves are a kind of terrorism, scaring us with their poor quality and stopping us from enjoying the freedoms that some of our grandparents might have fought for if they were in one of the bigger, more important wars, the ones that were actually about freedom and not about oil or sand or religion or which kind of headgear is appropriate for women.<br /><br />Once we discovered that the DVD we held in our hands might in fact be both funding terror fashion AND frightening innocent entertainment consumers with its terrifyingly poor quality, we knew we had to act.<br /><br />On closer inspection, we found some telltale indicators that may in fact indicate the DVD in question was a questionable conterfeit, by all indications.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >With this in mind, we present:</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >The No Show Guide To Spotting Counterfeit DVDs.</span><br /></div><br />For the purposes of this Guide, we'll be using a copy of Gilmore Girls Season 4 DVD, which we bought with joy in our hearts from a well known online auction site, whose name rhymes with peeBay.<br /><br />Keep in mind that we are trained professionals and that the counterfeiting pirates are cunning cons, with their eye patches and rolling DVD copying centres roaming the high seas.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Do not be ashamed or embarrassed if you miss some of the things we are about to point out.</span><br /></div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/ShQJ2wOg5GI/AAAAAAAAASY/u5bBgmU5MkA/s1600-h/GG_FULL.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 283px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/ShQJ2wOg5GI/AAAAAAAAASY/u5bBgmU5MkA/s400/GG_FULL.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5337902294604244066" border="0" /></a><br /><br />As you can see from the cover, there was no reason to suspect anything was wrong when we opened the DVD. It looked just like any other DVD we might buy, with the title written in words and a photographs of the two delightful stars of the show. But then we began to notice things that made us think this DVD might not have been sanctioned by the honest and sensible people in Hollywood who took the time to make this show and broadcast it for all to enjoy.<br /><br />First, we noticed something funny about which season the DVD was from. Season 2? Season 4? It confused us, and set our No Show senses tingling, though at this point we were happy to accept it was human error.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/ShQKA2VlbhI/AAAAAAAAASg/W1vu5LRz1jQ/s1600-h/GG_Front_season.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 289px; height: 400px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/ShQKA2VlbhI/AAAAAAAAASg/W1vu5LRz1jQ/s400/GG_Front_season.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5337902468043206162" border="0" /></a><br />Something else caught our eye. We couldn't quite place it, but something wasn't right. Then we had it: the chunky non-English language bit under the title, possibly Chinese, maybe Japanese, we didn't know but it looked damned odd on this all-American TV series.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/ShQKLb2UBfI/AAAAAAAAASo/mAdbW_HCkTA/s1600-h/GG_Front_chinese.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 289px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/ShQKLb2UBfI/AAAAAAAAASo/mAdbW_HCkTA/s400/GG_Front_chinese.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5337902649911281138" border="0" /></a><br />However, we knew that one of the characters (Lane) was Korean; we figured it was just possible that this was some sort of homage to her, since she features prominently in Season 4. If it was Season 4. We weren't sure because of that mix up at the top of the box.<br /><br />It wasn't until we turned the box over that we began to really suspect there might be something piratey about this DVD.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/ShQN8RuXdHI/AAAAAAAAATQ/KIGLrLEQFew/s1600-h/GG_Back_Typos3.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 289px; height: 400px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/ShQN8RuXdHI/AAAAAAAAATQ/KIGLrLEQFew/s400/GG_Back_Typos3.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5337906787542070386" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Spelling mistakes. Horrible grammar. Poor kerning. Haphazard gaps and slapdash sub-editing. Easily missed by Joe or Jane Layperson but all clear indicators of the pirate to the trained eye. Plus a huge paragraph in Chinese or possibly Japanese or maybe even Korean taking up about a third of the back cover. It was at this point that we were overtaken by a horrible feeling that we were being terrorised.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >But it didn't end there.</span><br /></div><br />(And at this point, I should specify that I noticed everything that followed. My No Show co-star was overcome with grief that he might have funded terrorism. He immediately closed his eyes to avoid seeing anything else that might support terrorism and hasn't opened them since. It's making things difficult for him, but I admire his commitment.)<br /><br />Beyond the horribleness of the typos, I noticed some clearly factually incorrect information. The kind of incorrect information that the pirates knew was incorrect and felt so guilty about that they couldn't even spell "information" correctly on the box (see typos above).<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/ShQKnx4GrFI/AAAAAAAAATA/O3FrgehFpNQ/s1600-h/GG_Back_numbers.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 593px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/ShQKnx4GrFI/AAAAAAAAATA/O3FrgehFpNQ/s400/GG_Back_numbers.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5337903136860712018" border="0" /></a><br /><br />These blatant errors are as follows:<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">1. "Star5s Falls": </span>Not only a typo, but everyone knows the Gilmore Girls live in Star's Hollow. Stupid pirates.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">2. "the two share... a taste for literature":</span> No they do not. They share a taste for bad films, bad food and bad men. Rory is the one who likes to read. Her mother may in fact be illiterate.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">3. Kirk:</span> The pirate text suggests that the emotional life of the Kirk character is important enough to highlight on the box. It is not. He is the court jester of the piece, a delightful loser. The pirates obviously sympathise with him. Because they are also losers. Terrifying losers.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">4 and 5b. Subtitles:</span> Make up your minds pirates! Is it "English, Francais and Espanol" or "English, French, Arabic, Hebrew"? You're not fooling me in ANY language.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">6. Region 1:</span> Lies, lies and more lies. Like the pirates on the high seas, this DVD has no country. Or region.<br /><br />At this point, our suspicions were heightened: had we bought a fake, pirate, counterfeit DVD from online pirate terrorists? There was only one thing left the check: the moral integrity of the cover image.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/ShQKeFk3v7I/AAAAAAAAAS4/dQwHizgTPv4/s1600-h/GG_Rory.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 256px; height: 400px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/ShQKeFk3v7I/AAAAAAAAAS4/dQwHizgTPv4/s400/GG_Rory.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5337902970350059442" border="0" /></a>Rory's dead, evil eyes are a clear giveaway. Clearly, this otherwise unimpeachable DVD has been in the hands of pirates.<br /><br />That, plus the fact that every episode on the DVD featured the logo of the WB network, having been recorded badly off the TV. Probably a stolen TV. And a guy stood up halfway through one episode and went to the loo. Stupid pirates.<br /><br />Having finished our inspection and delivered out verdict, we felt dirty, but glad to have revealed these pirating types for what they are, with their garish colours and questionable morals. And even though we have funded terrorism via online shopping, we feel vindicated, having provided this much needed public service.<br /><br />And ultimately, we hope that the next time you're buying DVDs from one of the many authorised vendors selling DVDs out of a duffel bag in the local pub, you'll take a moment to ask yourself: was this hand-drawn cover drawn by terrorist pirates? And if it was, we hope you'll have the strength to leave that copy of "The Darks Night" or "Start Wrek" behind.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Eat that, pirates.</span></span></div>zesty petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17419775719956474883noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781170962149568723.post-90078515196151660262009-05-02T12:35:00.004+01:002009-05-02T12:40:29.182+01:00FILM REVIEW: Wolverine<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">UK Release Date: 1 May 2009<br />Starring: Huge Aackman. "Huge" to his friends.<br /></span><div><br />I cannot begin to describe how disappointed I was when I found out that <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Wolverine</span> was not going to be a musical.<br /><br />This is a colossal mistake. After all, it has all the ingredients of a classic Hollywood musical: Mutants. Wolves. Conflict. And a gigantic hairy Huge Aackman.</div><div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SfwpSPeQrnI/AAAAAAAAAR4/4okFwL5C7Yc/s1600-h/JackmanWolf.gif"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 276px; height: 320px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SfwpSPeQrnI/AAAAAAAAAR4/4okFwL5C7Yc/s320/JackmanWolf.gif" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5331181452267662962" /></a>I was convinced this was going to a <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">West Side Story</span> for the next generation, a brutal metaphor for our existance, with "animals" battling for survival, as gangs of "Wolves" fought it out with "Sharks" in a bizarre and inexplicable land-sea crossover, with Huge Aackman spinning, diving and ducking at the heart of it all like some delightful and not at all gay Puck in a wolf suit.</div><div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" font-weight: bold; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">My vision of a madcap tap-dancing pelt-wearing Huge Aackman flashing adamantium-clawed jazz hands has been shattered forever.</span></span><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div>How could the ridiculous megalomaniacs at Marvel let this happen? Aackman clearly - <u><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">clearly</span></u> - wants to do nothing but musicals forever and ever. Preferably with sassy female backing singers and buff male back-up dancers with well-oiled nipples.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/Sfwpi35EDxI/AAAAAAAAASA/09jf_HmLBy0/s1600-h/TheBoyfromOz.gif"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 227px; height: 320px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/Sfwpi35EDxI/AAAAAAAAASA/09jf_HmLBy0/s320/TheBoyfromOz.gif" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5331181737995407122" /></a>His many fans have made it clear that they would rather he did musicals than action hero flicks targeting 12 year old boys. Just listen to the fans applaud as he takes the stage at the Tony Awards in 2004, reinterpreting his role as <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">The Boy from Oz</span>, wearing nothing but gold lame trousers and a leopardprint top, flirting shamelessly with P Diddy who squirms with delight at the attention.</div><div><br />Or at the Oscars, as Huge Aackman flails about in a tight fitting Man Tux and tails. Read their sweaty little comments on Youtube as he grinds his firm buttocks into Barbara Walter's skeletal thighs to the point where, for the briefest of moments, she is reminded what it means to be a woman. The fans want the inner Hugh to sing and dance and generally camp it up until he Aackmans all over them.<br /><br />And, obviously, the comic book nerds have been begging for a musical adaptation of X-Men for years.<br /><br />But does Marvel appreciate this groundswell of nervous excitement? Do they answer the giggling masturbatory call of Aackman's surprisingly mostly female fanbase? No. Instead the first superhero musical adaptation we get is <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7909772.stm">Spider-man: Turn Off the Dark</a></span><a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7909772.stm"> </a>featuring music by U2's Boner and The Edger. A musical about a boy wearing pyjamas who climbs walls and fights crime. (Let's just call it what it is, shall we? Peter Parker Pan.)<br /><br />So <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Wolverine</span> will not feature Huge Aackman wearing a sad little loincloth, singing about discovering the wolf inside the man. </div><div><br /></div><div>We will never get to see an insane whirlwind of well-choreographed dance violence as Aackman clicks his adamantium claws while facing a violent, albeit tongue in cheek enemy, played to perfection at various points in the show's run by David Hasselhoff, Richard Gere and/or Tilda Swinton.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold; ">We will never enjoy the pleasure of a surprise duet with Barry Mannilow, singing "Looks Like We Made It" and drowning the audience in their hairy innuendo.</span><br /></div></div><div><br />Without the dancing wolves, the scantly clad, bullet-nippled, backing cast and Tony Award winning musical score, what are we left with? </div><div><br /></div><div>Huge Aackman in sideburns, that's what.</div><div><br /></div><div>The fact that this is a filmed version of some kind of comic book prequel to the X-men, which was itself a pretty cool idea that was eventually stretched thinner than Bea Arthur's skin and ended up inspiring things like <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Heroes</span>, <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">The Incredibles</span> and David Attenborough's <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">The Life of Mammals,</span> doesn't change anything.</div><div><br /></div><div>Basically, <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Wolverine</span> without dancing and classic show tunes is just another teenage werewolf film. Which is entirely pointless since everyone knows there is only one believable teen wolf and that is Michael J Fox in the film about a teenager who turns into a wolf, called <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; ">Teen Wolf</span>.<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>And that's just tragic.</div><div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SfwusZTzMOI/AAAAAAAAASI/nQgmQo9Xyog/s1600-h/teen_wolf.gif"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 178px; height: 320px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SfwusZTzMOI/AAAAAAAAASI/nQgmQo9Xyog/s320/teen_wolf.gif" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5331187399142879458" /></a></div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Shatner Scale:</span><span> Miss Congeniality</span> <br /></div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Worth seeing:</span><span> Not unless you enjoy disappointment. Or Huge Aackman not dancing and singing. </span><br /></div><div><br /></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">Photography: Wikimedia Commons. Wolf image by Cm0rris0n, </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/GNU_Free_Documentation_License"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">some terms apply.</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"> Image of </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">The Boy from Oz</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"> by zesmerelda. </span><a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">Some terms apply.</span></a><br /><br /><object width="400" height="246"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/LPmbGzQaOCs&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/LPmbGzQaOCs&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="400" height="246"></embed></object><br /><br /><object width="400" height="246"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/POmD7Ovje2Y&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/POmD7Ovje2Y&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="400" height="246"></embed></object><br /><br /><object width="400" height="246"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/ngcfWu-uguk&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/ngcfWu-uguk&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="400" height="246"></embed></object>zesty petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17419775719956474883noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781170962149568723.post-27503787795930662872009-05-01T17:13:00.001+01:002009-05-01T17:14:47.119+01:00BOOK REVIEW: SHATNERQUAKE<span style="font-weight: bold;">Title: Shatnerquake</span> <span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />Author: God (using the pseudonym Jeff Burk)</span> <span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />UK release date: Who cares? Buy it as soon as you KHAAAAAN! (See what I did there?)</span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SfsfNHLBtpI/AAAAAAAAARw/1iB4vBPLbgU/s1600-h/Shatnerquake.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 320px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SfsfNHLBtpI/AAAAAAAAARw/1iB4vBPLbgU/s320/Shatnerquake.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5330888894047172242" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Hey, what's that sound? That's you cracking the spine on the greatest work of literature ever. And that smell? That is the fresh scent of authorly genius. And that taste? That's you licking the pages in ecstasy as you realise reading (and I use the term loosely, as this is a book you don't just read) can actually be a truly sexual act.<br /><br />But what is <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Shatnerquake-Jeff-Burk/dp/1933929820"><span style="font-style: italic;">Shatnerquake</span></a> exactly? No idea. This is The No Show, so we haven't read it. But how can so many Shatners be wrong? Quite simply: they can't.<br /><br />You have to read <span style="font-style: italic;">Shatnerquake</span>. You need to read <span style="font-style: italic;">Shatnerquake</span>. You will <span style="font-style: italic;">Shatnerquake</span>.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">1. Why is </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Shatnerquake</span><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (makes my hands tremble and my genitals swell just to write the word) better than Moby Dick?</span><br />More Shatner. Less Whale.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">2. Why is </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Shatnerquake</span><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (sorry, I came a little there - pure orgasm, not ejaculate, mind) better than A Tale of Two Cities?</span><br />Fewer Cities. More Shatners.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">3. Why </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Shatnerquake</span><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (all done now - wait, not quite.... there we go) better than the Bible?</span><br />No metaphors, no parables, just 12 Shatners fighting one Shatner. The Bible features not one single Shatner (though many in the Catholic Church still believe the Gospel according to St. Bill was removed by a vengeful priest who couldn't match Shatner's oracular brilliance and staggering thick chested magnificience).<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">4. Why is Shatnerquake better than One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest?</span><br />No mentals. Twelve Shatners. Nuff said.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">5. Why is Shatnerquake better than you?</span><br />Unless you feature 12 Shatners in your everyday life, then Shatnerquake truly eviscerates you.<br /><br />If the world ends tomorrow (and it might, depending on when you are reading this - remember the internet lasts forever), anyone who has read Shatnerquake could die smiling, with extra wood (if male) or a lovely wide-on (if lady). It's that good.<br /><br />As the dust jacket says:<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">William Shatner?</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">William Shatner.</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">William Shatner!</span></span><br /><br />Abso-Shatner-lutely.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Shatner Scale:</span><span> A Godzilla-sized Kirk</span> <span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />Must read:</span><span> For the love of God, man, Yes.</span>zesty petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17419775719956474883noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781170962149568723.post-58082408186701535872009-04-04T13:38:00.013+01:002009-04-20T17:12:51.169+01:00MUSIC REVIEW: "Footsteps". By Chris de Burgh. CHRIS FREAKING DE BURGH, people.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">UK release date: </span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">I'm not going to tell you in case you decide to buy it.</span><br /><br /><br />Admit it: you thought he was dead.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SeycwRY7xYI/AAAAAAAAARo/K4wuSfH7Kqw/s1600-h/461px-Chrisdeburghw.gif"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 132px; height: 200px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SeycwRY7xYI/AAAAAAAAARo/K4wuSfH7Kqw/s200/461px-Chrisdeburghw.gif" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5326804812388091266" /></a><br />Somewhere, in the back of your mind, you thought: "Chris De Burgh - he's dead right? Tragic accident? Involving a gardening implement? Maybe a shovel? Or a lawn mower? Didn't his monobrow crawl down and throttle him?"<br /><br />But you'd be wrong.<br /><br />This whole time, Chris de Burgh has been quietly, persistently making music. WITHOUT SUPERVISION. OR RESTRAINT.<br /><br />Someone has to do something.<br /><br />This is the man who inflicted "Lady in Red" on an unsuspecting world, a song so creepy it could be the song of choice for serial killers while acting out their most terrible fantasies*, as they force their victims to wear a red dress and strap them to their killing table** all the while singing the song over and over in an ominous falsetto*** .<br /><br />And now he has the TEMERITY to release a collection of HIS intepretation of what HE considers "pop classics" including, but not limited to "Africa" by Toto and "American Pie" by Don McLean.<br /><br />Why doesn't he just visit each and every one of us personally and drive a blunt ice pick through our ears?**** Why waste time with the formality of recording and releasing such cruel and unusual torture? How can such a monster be allowed to continue?<br /><br />I'll tell you why. Wedding reception DJs. That's why.<br /><br />Because the loved-up idiots at something like 98% of all wedding receptions insist on playing "Lady in Red", in the mistaken belief that it's a celebration of some lovely woman and not the grim voiceover to an unwanted living autopsy***** - and DJs agree to do it. Which means they have to have a copy of the song in their aresenal. Which prompts moronic guests at these weddings to buy their own copies, particularly the older folks who don't understand that all music is secretly free if you just know where to look online.******<br /><br />All of this keeps the money flowing into De Burgh's soft woolen cardigan pockets and maintains the illusion that he has something worthwhile to contribute to music like fucking interpretations of "American fucking Pie" by Don fucking McLean.<br /><br />And it doesn't stop with the "music". Even the album cover art gives me the creeps. <div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/Sem4F6psjuI/AAAAAAAAARg/kQHFN4MVCPM/s1600-h/51C1L5wOmML._SL500_AA240_.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 240px; height: 240px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/Sem4F6psjuI/AAAAAAAAARg/kQHFN4MVCPM/s320/51C1L5wOmML._SL500_AA240_.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5325990446125321954" /></a><br />Apparently, Chris De Burgh is living on his own planet and observing the Earth, like some demented monobrowed alien. Possibly preparing for invasion. A frightening, invisible monobrow invasion.<br /><br />What's more, he is so twisted that he recorded introductory videos, from deep in his Interplanetary Lair of Woolen Cruelty, that explain why and how he went about choosing this material of evil. He explains the origins of his musical footsteps of evil, which began in his clearly traumatic childhood before he was sent to public boarding school when he and his parents moved into a CASTLE. This was a tragic castle where there was no heat, no water and most tragic of all, NO TV. And they had to become FARMERS. Before they turned it into a small HOTEL! A fucking CASTLE HOTEL. Jesus.<br /><br />"Many of the songs on Footsteps started right here," says the diabolical genius. If only the scientists had spent a little less time perfecting the internet and turned their attention to something more important, like time travel, we could go back and stop the madness before it begins. If only.<br /><br />The day the music died, indeed. It is gruesome and vile. And it must be stopped.<br /><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br />* Probably. I have no data to back this up. It's just a feeling.<br />** Just one possible example. Not all serial killers have the same MO.<br />*** Speculation. Some serial killers may have lovely singing voices.<br />**** Satire. This is not an invitation to Mr De Burgh or anyone to stab anyone else with anything.<br />***** Conjecture. Not all serial killers gut their victims. For some, the killing itself is the end of the madness; there is no particular inclination to explore further. Instead of slicing and dicing, for example, some serial killers may sit down for a good cry. Or wank. It depends.<br />****** These are the same people who insist on playing "I Will Always Love You" at wedding receptions - completely failing to realise that it's a song about two people who DON'T GET TOGETHER. Morons.</span><br /><br /><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/645OPRyO0w0&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/645OPRyO0w0&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/-xQQc3dr85M&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/-xQQc3dr85M&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /></div></div>zesty petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17419775719956474883noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781170962149568723.post-70589390957748971782009-04-02T22:17:00.016+01:002009-04-03T00:00:26.255+01:00FILM REVIEW: 17 Again<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">UK Release Date: 10 April 2009<br />Starring: Zac Efron (orange teen) and Matthew Perry (orange adult)</span><br /><br />OK, full disclosure: even though I haven't seen this film (per <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">The No Show</span> rules), I have seen this film. Everybody has seen this film. There are isolated tribes hidden deep in the jungles of South America who, if asked for the plot of this film, would say, "Oh yeah dude, isn't that the one where this orange dude becomes a younger orange dude version of himself in a desperate quest to rediscover his inner orange dude self that used to be cool and then learns lots of life lessons and totally gets the orange girl and has awesome orange hair?"<br /><br />Then they would totally shoot you with a poisonous dart before taking away your orange Golden Idol and giving it to Belloq (the French bastard).<br /><br />But there are two things they will not tell you about this film and these are them:<br /><br />First, the main dude character in this film, both as an adult and as a teenager and then as an adult again, is totally and completely orange both on screen and off.<br /><br />Second - and this is the really important bit: we are supposed to believe that Matthew Perry - yes, the chunky orange one from the endlessly repeating TV "classic" <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Friends</span> - actually looked like Zac Efron when he was 17. (And in case you're older than 14, Zac is the pretty orange girl from the <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">High School Musicals</span> films.)<br /><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">THIS IS RIDICULOUS. EVEN BY HOLLYWOOD STANDARDS.</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SdVBESUbrJI/AAAAAAAAARY/NVx6mVYzxWs/s1600-h/Perry_Effron.gif"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 262px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SdVBESUbrJI/AAAAAAAAARY/NVx6mVYzxWs/s320/Perry_Effron.gif" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5320230076700929170" /></a><br />I can accept that John Travolta and Nicolas Cage switched faces and recovered in like five minutes in <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Face/Off</span>. Twice. I can accept that a team involving Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck and Owen Wilson saved the world from an asteroid by being sent into space by Billy Bob Thornton on a military space shuttle in <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Armageddon</span>. I can even accept the idea of Madonna as actress in <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Evita</span>.<br /><br />But my belief suspenders officially snap at the idea of Matthew Perry once looking anything even slightly resembling Zac Efron.<br /><br />The reasons for this are threefold:<br /><br />1. Matthew Perry is an old man and Zan Efron is clearly a pretty, young girl. Very flat-chested admittedly, and a bit boyish in her clothing choices, but a girl nonetheless. It's too big a gap for my brain to cross.<br /><br />2. Matthew Perry looks like someone grabbed his head and inserted it up a cow's ass, twisted it around and then popped it back out, before leaving him out in the sun to dry for several weeks. His skin is loose and a bit floppy like a hunting dog's and it may one day actually reach the ground. His hair is a weird mix of really dry and really greasy. His clothes always look like they may have fit him once, but a long time ago when he was either fatter or thinner. Zac Efron, meanwhile, is a pretty, young, well dressed girl.<br /><br />3. Matthew Perry is... nope, I've got nothing. Read 1 and 2 above. It's that simple. Matthew Perry and Zac Efron. The same person. Totally ridiculous. Like having Morgan Freeman paying an older version of Scarlett Johansson. Painted orange.<br /><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER HOLLYWOOD, NOBODY'S BUYING IT.</span><br /></div><div><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Shatner Scale:</span> Quincy cameo.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Must hear:</span> No. For the love of God, no.<br /><br /></div><br /><br /><object width="400" height="246"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/CW9TkWY6Cng&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/CW9TkWY6Cng&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="400" height="246"></embed></object>zesty petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17419775719956474883noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781170962149568723.post-40768796641322731072009-03-06T03:30:00.004+00:002009-03-06T13:32:12.191+00:00FILM REVIEW: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Undead<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">UK Release date: Not soon enough</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Starring: A bunch of people and featuring RALPH MACCHIO</span></div><div><br />Ok, here's the deal: not only have we not seen this film, as far as I know they haven't even finished making it yet.<br /><br /><div>Here's what we do know so far, via <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1122775">IMDB.com</a>:<div><br />"Julian Marsh is an out of work ladies' man who lands a job directing a bizarre adaptation of Hamlet. After casting his best friend and his ex-girlfriend in the show, Julian finds himself in the middle of a two thousand year old conspiracy that explains the connection between Shakespeare, the Holy Grail and some seriously sexy vampires. It turns out that the play was actually written by a master vampire name Theo Horace and it's up to Julian to recover the Grail in order to reverse the vampire's curse... If only being undead wasn't so much God-damned fun!"</div><div><br /></div><div>Sexy vampires, Shakespeare, more sexy vampires - do we really need to say more? And in case you think we do need to say more, we will only say this one thing more: <span style="font-weight: bold;">Ralph Macchio</span>.<br /><br /></div><div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">What's that you say? Ralph "Karate Kid" "Wax On Wax Off" Macchio? Oh yes.</span></div></div><div><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Verdict? Awesome.</span></span><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SbEiObnvvZI/AAAAAAAAARI/A-UCYkqVt1k/s1600-h/karatekid.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 320px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SbEiObnvvZI/AAAAAAAAARI/A-UCYkqVt1k/s320/karatekid.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5310063066974502290" border="0" /></a><br />All it needs to make it perfect is the ghost of Pat Morita. They can do that in film these days you know. I'm thinking of an Obi Wan glowing-in-the-background-and-looking-strangely-heavier-than-he-did-before-he-died kinda thing.<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Seriously, I don't know what's taking them so long. Just finish it already dammit! While we're waiting, enjoy the trailer (Ralph Macchio's about 3/4 of the way through. He still looks freakishly young. Maybe he's a vampire.)<br /><br /><br /></div><div><span style="font-size:85%;">*Photo courtesy the internet. Not sure who holds the copyright and we'll dump it if it's a problem, but we're pretty sure it's promotional and falls under the definition of Fair Use or something.<br /></span></div><div><br /><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/L9n9ks_PAJ0&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/L9n9ks_PAJ0&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="344" width="425"></embed></object></div></div></div><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">UPDATE: PLEASE WATCH THIS TOO IT'S GLORIOUS</span><br /><br /><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/JZfhK9xz8WQ&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/JZfhK9xz8WQ&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="344" width="425"></embed></object>zesty petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17419775719956474883noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781170962149568723.post-57592895269918251702009-02-25T13:24:00.002+00:002009-04-04T13:02:34.559+01:00FILM REVIEW: Watchmen<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">UK Release Date: 6 March 2009<br />Starring: Billy Crudup, Jackie Earle Haley and a whole bunch of </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><a href="http://www.comic-con.org/wc/wc09_prog_sat.php">future ComiCon attendees</a></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 147px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SaSLxTriA3I/AAAAAAAAAQo/XLQPj0ATZpI/s320/800px-Who_Watches_the_Watchmen.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5306519940161995634" border="0" /><br /></div><div>As with everything else on this site, and per <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">the Second Rule* of The No Show</span>, we have not seen <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Watchmen</span>. <div><br /><div>In the interests of full disclosure, however, we have to admit that we have read the comic books [<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Ed's note: To anyone about to say something, it is a comic book not a graphic novel, so shut it</span>]. </div><div><br /></div><div>We both have copies of the original series (though mine sit in a box somewhere in my parents' basement 3,500 miles from here and are probably covered in crayon scribbles by my nephews because NO-ONE in my ENTIRE FAMILY understands the REAL value of collectibles. *Sheesh*). </div><div><br /></div><div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SaSJR312njI/AAAAAAAAAQg/txOG1JJBaKQ/s1600-h/554px-Brown_Fish_Owl%3B_Ketupa_zelolensis.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 182px; height: 200px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SaSJR312njI/AAAAAAAAAQg/txOG1JJBaKQ/s200/554px-Brown_Fish_Owl%3B_Ketupa_zelolensis.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5306517201089895986" border="0" /></a><br />We also both know the story involves this superhero owl guy, and another superhero guy with a black and white mask, and a big, kind of Silver Surfer ripoff type character. And a guy who looks like he welcomes new guests as they arrive in Vegas (and possibly stands in for Siegfried and/or Roy on their off days). And even a couple of relatively well rounded female characters too. Right? </div><div><br /></div><div>Anyway, we read the thing and vaguely remember the plot. </div><div><br /></div><div>So there's that out of the way, yeah? Great, on with the review:</div><div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">Watchmen</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;"> is going to be awesome.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;"> </span></span></div><div><br /></div><div>There, done. You can go ahead and move on to something else now, we're done here.</div><div><br /></div><div>No, seriously. It will be. Guaranteed. It has to be. Wil Wheaton said so. Twice. On TWITTER no less.</div><div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SaR4nA0GeJI/AAAAAAAAAQI/A-qezJzfhp8/s1600-h/Wilw_1.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 200px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SaR4nA0GeJI/AAAAAAAAAQI/A-qezJzfhp8/s320/Wilw_1.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5306498872578046098" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SaR40HQPQwI/AAAAAAAAAQQ/Qwquu1d6aLc/s1600-h/Wilw_2.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 187px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SaR40HQPQwI/AAAAAAAAAQQ/Qwquu1d6aLc/s320/Wilw_2.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5306499097644974850" border="0" /></a><br /></div><div>And the fact is that it better be awesome. Because if it's not, somebody's going to have to pay. Expectations are so freaking high for this thing that the fansboys and girls will be throwing themselves under passing buses in protest if even one iota of not awesome appears on screen. (Probably one of those Atheist buses too. Just for the irony.)<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Remember: this is the comic book that gave birth to this whole interweb thingy. Or at least, it's the thing that got their mojo going. Right after porn, <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Watchmen</span> is like the next thing on the list of things that made the internet thing popular really fast. </div><div><br /></div><div>No but SRSLY it's for true: back in 1986, when the comics came out and everyone was all "Whoa like totally AWESUM" (that's how they spoke back then), rumours started circulating about a film version. At that exact moment, the finishing touches were being put on Internet 1.0. Next thing you know, the Web is born and everyone's all over it and asking "So like when is the <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Watchmen</span> film happening bcuz it R so cool?" when not surfing for porn. </div><div><br /></div><div>This was of course before everything got taken over by losers trolls and people with a disturbing fascination for cats. (Seriously, what the HELL is up with all the cats on here?)</div><div><br /></div><div>By the time the actual film was finally put together by a team of magic elves working feverishly for months on end in a secret cave in North Hollywood, and following several <s>trumped up</s> very very important lawsuits (always a good sign on a film production), the interwebs had evolved to the point where celebrities were using <s>l33tspeak</s> well-known internet abbreviations in casual conversation to express their excitement at the film's inevitable awesomeness:</div><div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SaR7ysRCc5I/AAAAAAAAAQY/wJLIppuv_Y0/s1600-h/Wossy.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 188px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SaR7ysRCc5I/AAAAAAAAAQY/wJLIppuv_Y0/s320/Wossy.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5306502371755586450" border="0" /></a><br /></div><div>And so now, with the film rising on the horizon like some great big glowing thing peeking out from behind the glowing greatness of President Obama's Presidential Halo of Power, we are left with only one possible outcome: awesomeness. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SaSMs2NJx2I/AAAAAAAAAQw/lhQQp-8X8dk/s1600-h/Rorschach_blot_01.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 210px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SaSMs2NJx2I/AAAAAAAAAQw/lhQQp-8X8dk/s320/Rorschach_blot_01.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5306520963042101090" border="0" /></a><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">Watchmen</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;"> will be awesome. </span></div><div><br /></div><div>It will <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">not</span> be slightly disappointing. It will <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">not</span> be just "OK" or "not bad". It will <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">not</span> not quite live up the comics, the ones we haven't read for 20 years but seem to recall really really liking for reasons we can't quite remember (something about it being "really real" and not having a happy ending). It will also <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">not</span> be so buried in CGI that we forget we're watching a live action film, nor will it be ruined by excessively wooden acting performed by actors whose names we won't remember after the credits role, names that if we could remember, we would then forever curse because they were so wooden. </div><div><br /></div><div>And it will definitely <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">not</span> be yet another absolutely piss-poor piece of shit big screen adaptation of Alan Moore's work, like <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">V</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"> for Vendetta,</span> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">From Hell</span> and <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""> They were just flukes.</span></div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">No, </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">Watchmen</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;"> will be AWESOME.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;"> </span></div><div><br /></div><div>Or it will be the worst thing in the history of cinema. </div><div><br /></div><div>Because when it comes to <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Watchmen</span>, there's nothing in between.</div><div><br /></div><div>(And Twitter will fail due to overcapacity either way, of course.)<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">UPDATE:</span> <a style="font-weight: bold;" href="http://thequietus.com/articles/01215-the-watchmen-reviewed-has-it-killed-the-comic-book-adaptation-dead">The Quietus</a> thinks "[director] Jack Snyder has taken one of the greatest comic books ever published, and made the the single worst comic book movie ever to see daylight. <em>Batman And Robin</em> was <em>Apocalypse Now</em> compared to this."<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">UPDATE:</span> <a style="font-weight: bold;" href="http://www.hitfix.com/blogs/2008-12-6-motion-captured/posts/2009-2-24-the-motion-captured-review-watchmen">The Motion/Capture review</a> says "<strong style="font-weight: normal;">Zack Snyder's 'Watchmen' is a profound work of art, a beautiful, deliriously weird, meditative spin on a genre that is as American as jazz."<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">So there you go: <span style="font-weight: bold;">The No Show</span> - your one-stop shop for accurate reviews.</span><br /></strong></div><div><br /></div></div></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">* For reference, the First Rule of The No Show is: Don't touch yourself in public, if at all possible.</span><br /><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">Photos: Owl by </span><a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/89128995@N00"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">Dr. Tarak N Khan</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">/</span><a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">Some rights reserved</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">; Who watches the watchmen grafitti by </span><a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/davidmasters/"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">David Masters</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">/</span><a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">Some rights reserved.</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"> </span></div>zesty petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17419775719956474883noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781170962149568723.post-18127742750827390982009-02-09T13:38:00.007+00:002009-02-12T10:55:13.857+00:00THEATRE REVIEW: You're Welcome America. A Final Night with George W Bush<a href="http://www.firsttvdrama.com/show2/history/helen1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; width: 320px; height: 400px; text-align: center;" alt="" src="http://www.firsttvdrama.com/show2/history/helen1.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><a href="http://www.jaunted.com/files/5957/will_ferrell_heidi_klum_05.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; width: 380px; height: 304px; text-align: center;" alt="" src="http://www.jaunted.com/files/5957/will_ferrell_heidi_klum_05.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><div><strong>UK release date: When Michael Sheen is available</strong><br /></div><div><strong>Starring: Will Ferrell on his own</strong> </div><br /><div>It's not often we review <strong>PLAYS</strong> we haven't seen. Especially <strong>BROADWAY </strong>plays we haven't seen. Particularly <strong>ONE-MAN SHOWS</strong> we haven't seen. Pertinently <strong>POLITICAL SATIRES</strong> we haven't seen.<br /><br /></div><div>When we realised Will Ferrell (who has been in a film by <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Holmes_%28actor%29">Woody Allen</a>, many TV remakes such as <span style="font-style: italic;">Bewitched</span> and <span style="font-style: italic;">Land of the Lost</span>, and loads of films where he takes a random sport, then dresses like a catalogue model from the mid-seventies, then shouts at other more talented actors) was in it as George W. Bush, we thought, well, seriously, do we want to handle this hot political one-man show of a hot potato or do we want to back down like a guy who's just started an argument with his wife and then mentioned her period?<br /><br />We said, 'Screw it, lets' do it.' Like a new-age Bond villain might say to his unruly henchmen to motivate them.</div><br /><div>Will Ferrell of Semi-Pro fame <span style="font-style: italic;">[Ed's note: A film about his status as a comedian - I thankya]</span> has decided to star as George W. Bush because he plays him on <span style="font-style: italic;">Saturday Night Live</span>, like a dog returning to his own not very funny vomit only to slurp it up and hope Broadway audiences will join him in his vomit-slurping.<br /><br />But just what is funny about George W. Bush in a post-Bush, maintenant-Obama world?</div><br /><div><strong>1. George was a recovering alcoholic</strong></div><br /><div><strong>2. George was a coke addict</strong></div><br /><div><strong>3. George wasn't very good at anything</strong></div><br /><div><strong>4. George was a bit stupid</strong></div><br /><div><strong>5. George couldn't stop saying stupid things</strong></div><br /><div><strong>6. George wasn't really cut out to be president</strong></div><br /><div>But <a href="http://www.new-life.net/satan.htm">his dad</a> wanted it that way so that's the way it was. It's really easy to parody a moron just like it's easy to masturbate when you're alone but much more daring at a bus stop or at Christmas lunch with all your family round the table <span style="font-style: italic;">[Ed: That's not egg nog - I thankya]</span>. But who has the balls to parody Barack "walks on water, living in the love of the common people" Obama? Not Will Ferrell. No he'd rather pick on the global village retard. </div><br /><div>We at <span style="font-weight: bold;">The No Show</span> are tough on bullying and the causes of bullying and we believe it's wrong to pick on George Bush. Also it's kinda been done before... a lot. Mostly by Will Ferrell... who may have voted for him because he could do an impression of him.</div><br /><div>Like the man who plays ice hockey with his scrotum hanging out, we implore you Will Ferrell, show us your ice cold balls and stop before you go too far. And that goes for you too Tina Fey. Just because you look like Sarah Palin and are oddly sexy like a bespectacled primary school teacher who touches herself under the desk – no more Palin. [<span style="font-style: italic;">Ed's note: Er, Tina Fey more or less stopped doing that impressions after the election... I wish she hadn't, she sort of turned me on like a bespectacled hillbilly politician who talks church in public but filth in the sack.]</span> </div><br /><div>If anyone goes to see this, it will only encourage more shows that attack the mentally and physically impaired. If you want to see Ricky Gervais playing Stephen Hawking or Jack Black playing Helen Keller or Ben Stiller playing David Beckham, then go and see Will Ferrell in <span style="font-style: italic;">You're Welcome, America</span> - but remember, you'll be support mentalist bullying.</div><br /><div><strong>Shatner scale: <span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: normal;">TJ Hooker: The Movie</span></strong></div><strong>Must see:<span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: normal;"> Only if you hate those less fortunate than you.</span></strong><div> </div></div>zesty petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17419775719956474883noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781170962149568723.post-83758172534698765482009-02-05T14:21:00.004+00:002009-02-11T23:46:35.708+00:00FILM REVIEW: Two Lovers<span style="font-weight: bold;">UK release date: 27 March 2009</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Starring: Joaquin Phoenix and some other people</span><br /><br /><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1103275/">According to IMBD</a>, <span style="font-style: italic;">Two Lovers</span> is "a Brooklyn-set romantic drama about a bachelor (Phoenix) torn between the family friend his parents wish he would marry and his beautiful but volatile new neighbor."<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">It is going to be rubbish. </span><br /><br />This verdict is based on three very good and undeniable FACTS:<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">1. Timing is everything.</span> The film is being released too late for the 2009 Academy Awards and too soon for anyone to remember it for the 2010 Academy Awards (though it will still probably earn some BAFTA nominations. Anything to bump up the list of US presenters at the awards).<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">2. It co-stars Gwyneth Paltrow.</span> Seriously: name one film she's been in that was actually good. We'll wait. No, not that one, it was rubbish too. And not that one either. See? Told you.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">3. Lead actor Joaquin Phoenix retired shortly after the film wrapped. </span>To become a <a href="http://uk.news.yahoo.com/1/20090119/ten-phoenix-makes-hip-hop-debut-c60bd6d.html">professional BEARDY rapper</a>.)<br /><br />So there you go, verdict done, on to more important business:<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">WHY THE FRAK IS JOAQUIN PHOENIX RETIRING TO BECOME A BEARDY RAPPER???</span><br /><br /><a href="http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20253488,00.html">According to JP Beardy Rapper MC himself (on People.com)</a>, "This is me saying this is who I am. This is my story. After all the years of reading scripts and reading lines, this is my chance to do something straight from the heart and put it out there."<br /><br />But as Yahoo news also pointed out, "After his set, he was left red-faced after he tripped and fell into the crowd as he attempted to step off the stage."<br /><br />Is it a joke? <a href="http://defamer.com/5100616/time-to-call-bullshit-on-joaquin-phoenixs-retirement">Defamer.com</a> thinks so (but they're such bitchy bitches they'd mock Ghandi for his fashion choices). And spotting Casey Affleck filming MC McBeardy's "gigs" make it feel like a big phat mockumentary scam.<br /><br />But still, Phoenix aka DJ Beardy McBeardson insists <a href="http://www.metro.co.uk/fame/article.html?Phoenix:_Rap_career_is_no_joke&in_article_id=519294&in_page_id=7&in_a_source=">it's all fuh realz</a>.<br /><br />Just in case, we at <span style="font-style: italic;">The No Show</span> feel it necessary to remind young MC Big Bad JoPhe Beard of a few other poor career choices that were made by famous types at pivotal junctions in their lives, and the car crash-like results that ensued:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SYgniqwwYmI/AAAAAAAAAPY/RtC27B6Mdik/s1600-h/VanillaIce-Jagermeister.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 220px; height: 197px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SYgniqwwYmI/AAAAAAAAAPY/RtC27B6Mdik/s320/VanillaIce-Jagermeister.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5298528438149210722" border="0" /><br /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Vanilla Ice (aka Robbie Van Winkle):</span> Useless "rapper" who sampled "Under Pressure" for his one big hit without giving any credit or paying royalties and had the first #1 on the Billboard charts and sold 17 million CDs before being sued and paying out big time. His success can only be explained by a kind of mass insanity that began in middle class suburbs before spreading around the world. Thankfully, Van Winkle's switch to acting cured the world of its collective madness and he failed spectacularly, winning the <i>"Worst New Star"</i> award at the 1991 Golden Raspberry Awards. He shifted back to "music" - this time with creepy dreads that looked stapled to his head - and failed yet again. So, like every American performer without a career, Van Winkle turned to his last possible creative outlet, Reality TV, where he has enjoyed modest success (if you include "getting the crap beaten out of you by Todd Bridges" in your definition of modest success).<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">[</span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:85%;">Ed's note: all of the above "facts" were lifted directly from the Winkapedium. So they must be true.</span><span style="font-size:85%;">]</span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SYrv_fF6w7I/AAAAAAAAAPo/ljGgWz46u4s/s1600-h/BowieRaR87.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 226px; height: 320px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SYrv_fF6w7I/AAAAAAAAAPo/ljGgWz46u4s/s320/BowieRaR87.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5299311785511928754" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">David Bowie: </span>An unique and charismatic hair musician, Bowie's hair had several chart-topping hits. Then his hair dabbled in hair acting, with limited success (though his turn as Jareth the Hairy Goblin King in <span style="font-style: italic;">Labyrinth</span> was, frankly, astonishing and hirsute). So far so good. Then he turned to financial hair services, offering hair stocks and generally spreading himself thin, which of course lead us all into the hairy economic situation we're all in now.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Mickey Rourke:</span> Great actor turned mediocre actor turned boxer turned crash test dummy for cosmetic surgeons throughout LA. One small error in judgement in the early 1990s = 10 years of wandering in the wilderness before major comeback with <span style="font-style: italic;">The Wrestler </span>(and it was a comeback - <span style="font-style: italic;">Another 9 1/2 Weeks</span> and straight to video shit like <span style="font-style: italic;">Shades</span> don't count as acting).<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br />Chuck Norris:</span> A super-duper action hero (big and small screen), this roundhouse-kicker extraordinaire then decided that he was so great that he must be great at everything. Including fashion. Say hello to The Chuck Norris Action Jeans for the martial artist. I shit you not.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SX7V4znmTJI/AAAAAAAAAPA/mlVowF9SduY/s1600-h/chuck1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 140px; height: 200px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SX7V4znmTJI/AAAAAAAAAPA/mlVowF9SduY/s200/chuck1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5295905383739968658" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />John Wayne Bobbit:</span> Wife hacked off his knob, so he had to prove it would work. By going into porn. It didn't really work. And neither did he after that.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Ron Jeremy (or indeed any porn actor given even half a chance):</span> When Ron Jeremy went from Insanely Famous Hairy Fat Hedgehog Pornstar to Actor, people were prepared to give him half a chance. Unfortunately for Ron, it turned out that his penis got all the talent. But that didn't stop a handful of other porn stars who have jumped at the chance when offered a role by saddo directors looking for "authenticity" by which they mean "people willing to actually have sex on set in front of my entire film crew so I can call this piece of shit film 'art'". Except for Traci Lords. She's pretty good actually.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Paris Hilton, Noami Campbell etc: </span><span>This applies to a wide range of useless models, IT girls and the offspring of stupidly wealthy and famous parents - recording an album is always a bad idea. ALWAYS. There are no exceptions to this rule. Vacuousness, stupidity and inexcusable wealth are no excuse. </span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br />Justin Lee Collins:</span> He used to be a successful double-glazing demonstrator. Now look at him, chasing former celebrities and <span class="cald-hword">haranguing</span> them like some great hairy ape. It's just wrong. Just plain wrong.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SYrznR6cOlI/AAAAAAAAAP4/eg7zN63sU94/s1600-h/Justin_Lee_Collins.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 189px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SYrznR6cOlI/AAAAAAAAAP4/eg7zN63sU94/s200/Justin_Lee_Collins.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5299315767703779922" border="0" /></a></span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Lindsay Lohan:</span> Former child actor and rehab addict, she decided to pack that in and try her hand at full time professional lesbianism. While she has enjoyed some success with this career, the constant appearance of walking skeleton Samantha Ronson at her side is messing with Lohan's celebrity status because being with the sister of a famous producer is more likely to get Lohan into clubs than having appeared in an hilarious remake of <span style="font-style: italic;">Herbie</span>. And it's making Lohan look fat. (Seriously Ronson, grab a bagel or something, will you?)<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Adolf Hitler:</span> Tried to be an artist but he was shit. So he became a psychotic mass murdering megalomaniac instead. Which is unfortunate.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />Stalin:</span> Should have stayed a weatherman. Unfortunately, his light workload meant he had time to foster revolution, which lead to a fairly substantial career change as a nasty dictator. Good moustache though.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SYgkazlJC5I/AAAAAAAAAPI/KlwNJ5BLCRI/s1600-h/Stalin.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 127px; height: 200px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SYgkazlJC5I/AAAAAAAAAPI/KlwNJ5BLCRI/s200/Stalin.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5298525004542577554" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Telly Savalas:</span> Successfully bald on both the big and small screen, then for whatever reason he decided to try singing. Entirely unnecessary. No-one was ever going to forget that he was bald.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">William Shatner</span>: Former godlike actor with a barrel chest and a non-specific speech impediment. Then he decided to do whatever the hell that is he's doing on those albums because it sure as hell isn't singing. (Bill, we love you, but seriously, stop recording albums.)<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Lesson learned, MC JP McBeady No1? We thought so.<br /><br />Now get your ass back to that film set: </span><a href="http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/hr/content_display/news/e3iabb39aac80c6a278f98112b612138c32"><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Parenthood 2: Garry's Wild Ride</span></a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> isn't going to make itself you know.</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">[Ed's Note: Again, most of these images were found on Wikimedia Commons. Apart from the public domain ones, the others are licensed under Creative Commons or GNU or they're promotional or whatever. The Vanilla Ice and Stalin pics are both public domain, Bowie's hair pic is by Elmar J. Lordemann, Justin Lee Collins' hair pic is by Martinra1966. I'm honestly not sure where the Chuck Norris ad came from. Sorry Chuck.]</span>zesty petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17419775719956474883noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781170962149568723.post-69032477691918879232009-01-25T17:28:00.001+00:002009-01-29T23:21:20.041+00:00BOOK REVIEW: The Power of Less - The art of limiting yourself to the essentials<span style="font-weight: bold;">Title: The Power of Less - the art of limiting yourself to the essentials </span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />Author: Leo Babauta</span><br /><div style="font-weight: bold;">UK release: 12 February</div><div><br /><br /></div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SXygFthWxwI/AAAAAAAAAO4/KsatNbDVTs8/s1600-h/Essentials.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 302px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SXygFthWxwI/AAAAAAAAAO4/KsatNbDVTs8/s320/Essentials.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5295283281860151042" border="0" /></a><br /><div>You may have heard that there is something called a credit crunch or a credit squeeze or a financial crisis or a recession or downturn or a you're-frigging-fricking-fired-now-get-down-the-dole-or-welfare-office-you-scum-sucking-feltch-monkey-because-your-boss-sure-as-hell-isn't-giving-up-that-bonus-just-because-you-worked-your-ass-off-to-get-the-company-into-profit crunch/squeeze/munch/vice-like grip/pucker-punch.<br /><br />Well, what better way to wile away those myriad hours of not working than by reading a book on the Art – Yes, THE ART – of limiting yourself to the essentials. </div><br /><div>Leo Babauta, a man whose name is as punchable as the cash-in nonsense he so obviously espouses, really knows about living on essentials because he is... well, he is... a what? A bird? A fish? A rhino? Clearly, he is some sort of invertebrate living solely on the bare bones basics.<br /><br />In fact, what exactly are our essentials for that matter?</div><div> </div><br /><div>1. Air</div>2. Water<br />3. Food (The kind that doesn't poison you and isn't going to fight back. Much.)<br />4. Warmth<br />5. A sexual outlet (Inlet? Whatever, you know what I mean)<br /><div> </div><br /><div>Which means the essentials boil down to being homeless, breathing, drinking from taps in supermarket toilets, making sure you hit McDonald's bins around closing time and buying a decent fucking sleeping bag while knocking one out when you feel the urge, which won't be too often as you'll be too weak.<br /><br />All the while, Babauta won't be living on essentials as Babauta has the residuals from this book to keep him warm. And if the residuals don't keep him warm he'll just chuck another copy on his wood-burning stove. </div><div> </div><br /><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Message to all writers trying to take advantage of vulnerable people by convincing them they don't know anything and then suckering them into handing over money so you can tell them they're idiots:</span> If you want to help people, go to a butcher, have yourself cut into good size steaks and get yourself shipped to a truly impoverished nation, the kind of place where people treat essentials like water and hygeine as luxuries. And stop tripping over yourself to get hard-up people to shell out hard earned money for another book on how to save money WHEN THEY COULD BE SPENDING IT ON SOMETHING ACTUALLY ESSENTIAL, LIKE FOOD, YOU VACUOUS TURDS. </div><div> </div><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Shatner Scale: </span>Star Trek Generations (The Death of Kirk)<span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />Must read:</span> NO. <span style="font-size:85%;"><br /><br />Image via Wikimedia Commons, by chamo estudio, licensed under Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 License.</span>zesty petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17419775719956474883noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781170962149568723.post-72359173545567544842009-01-19T14:29:00.003+00:002009-01-30T13:36:22.445+00:00Oscar Guess List Part III: And the winner could possibly may be...<div><span style="font-weight: bold;">UK release date:</span><span style="font-weight: bold;"> 23 January 2009</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Starring: Sean Penn</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Director: Gus Van Sant</span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SXSG0BlyWJI/AAAAAAAAAOw/XvEs4tWKptY/s1600-h/Milk_glass.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 150px; height: 200px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SXSG0BlyWJI/AAAAAAAAAOw/XvEs4tWKptY/s200/Milk_glass.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5293003690405419154" border="0" /></a><br /><br />While the <s>nominees haven't even been announced yet</s> winners won't be known until 22 February 2009, we at The No Show are confident enough to pronounce one <s>not-yet-nominated</s> now officially nominated film as the winner on the Best Film award. Because we're just that confident.<br /><br />Among the Front-Running Outsiders for an Oscar at this year's Academy Awards and Executive Valet Car Wash®, this is the one that will out-front-run the rest: <span style="font-style: italic;">Milk</span>.<br /><br />The reasons are simple:<br /><br />1. <span>According to every right wing conservative talk show host, Hollywood is run by the Pink Mafia. </span><span style="font-style: italic;">Milk</span>, by definition, should be super gay friendly. Which means the Pink Mafia will vote for it, even if <a href="http://nymag.com/arts/popmusic/features/53322/">Anthony Hegarty</a> thinks it's "like blackface to me … it’s a continuing Hollywood minstrel show, co-opting queer stories and perversely building up the careers of these heterosexual bastards with the plumage of effeminacies, that they can wear this plumage of effeminacies without having to really be accountable”. And despite MsMarmiteLover's view of Sean Penn as a "thin lipped miseryguts" (see comments on previous post).<br /><br />2. <span style="font-style: italic;">Milk</span> has a large cast [<span style="font-style: italic;">Ed's note: tee hee</span>] with lots of roles for gay actors to play gay characters and wear clothes they might actually have worn in the 1970s instead of dressing up like ridiculous caricatures or Agent Smith out of <span style="font-style: italic;">The Matrix</span>. [<span style="font-style: italic;">Ed's note: What? He's NOT gay? Really, are you sure?</span>] The fact that the majority of the actors cast are probably not gay is neither here nor there: it's the thought that counts.<br /><br />3. <span style="font-style: italic;">Milk</span> will split the vote: The small percentage of the voting Academy that is not part of the Pink Mafia will be tripping over themselves to vote for either <s>Kate Winslet's film or Kate Winslet's other film</s> "<span style="font-style: italic;">Slumdog</span> and its main rival, <span style="font-style: italic;">The Curious Case of Benjamin Button</span>", splitting the vote and leaving <span style="font-style: italic;">Milk</span> to pick up the majority. [<span style="font-style: italic;">Ed's note: There's only one Winslet film in the running, but the theory remains strong - that quotes from <a href="www.Defamer.com">Defamer.com</a> and they know how these things </span><s style="font-style: italic;">are rigged</s><span style="font-style: italic;"> play out</span>]<br /><br />4. <span style="font-style: italic;">Milk</span> got nothing at the Golden Globes: a sure sign of imminent victory.<br /><br />5. Most important: Sean Penn is a straight playing a gay. And as everyone in Hollywood knows, if a straight plays a gay then he's truly stretching himself <s>(and possibly his anus - depends on how Method he is as an actor)</s> [<i>Ed's note: Yeah, not sure about that one.</i>.<span style="font-style: italic;">. yep, checked with Legal, it has to go</span>]. This automatically makes the film more of an Acting Event and not just uber-camp panto. Which it would have been had it starred Robin Williams, but what were the chances of that happening since the lead character is neither ridiculously earnest nor psychotic? <span style="font-style: italic;">[</span><span style="font-style: italic;">Ed's note: I really wish Williams would go back to the good old fashioned coke-fuelled days of crazy.]</span> On the other hand, if Penn was a straight pretending to be a gay in the sad sad way that Adam Sandler played it in <span style="font-style: italic;">Larry and Harry Pretend to be Homosexuals for Comedic and Legal Reasons</span>, the film wouldn't even qualify for consideration.<br /><br />There is only one small flaw in this argument, Bald Oscar Statue Man. <span style="font-weight: bold;">We </span><span style="font-weight: bold;">at The No Show can exclusively reveal that Sean Penn might be gay himself, which puts his performance right out of the running</span><span style="font-weight: bold;"> and may kill the film's chances as well.</span><br /><br />Here are the two tell-tale signs:<br /><br />1. Sean Penn was married to Madonna.<br />2. Sean Penn is a liberal.<br /><br />Both point conclusively to his samesexlovingness. Denied AGAIN Penn! FAIL.<br /><br />Of course, many many people are under the impression that <span style="font-style: italic;">Milk</span> tells the tale <span style="font-style: italic;">[</span><span style="font-style: italic;">Ed's note: tee hee hee</span>] of Harvey Milk, who was San Francisco's first openly gay mayor - a bit like London's Boris Johnson (who can not be gay, simply because no self-respecting gay man would let himself look anything like that) - and who was also shot.<br /><br />The fact is, <span style="font-style: italic;">Milk</span> is all about Sean Penn trying desperately to earn the Oscar that was so cruelly denied to one when he brilliantly assayed the role of the <s>retard</s> <span style="font-style: italic;">[Ed's note: no wait that was right]</span> retard in <span style="font-style: italic;">I Am Sam</span> by sticking his tongue under his lower lip and saying "uurrrrgh" occasionally. It really doesn't matter whether or not it's a great film or Sean Penn's great or Gus Van Sant is great, <span style="font-style: italic;">Milk</span> was originally meant to star Harvey Feirstein and Penn has spent his whole career screaming "Love me! Love me! I want an Oscar" then pretending he's all anti-establishment and edgy and tough. And even though this makes Penn look and sound like a cock knocking hypocrite, we have to respect the sheer chutzpah.<br /><br />Even though we haven't seen <span style="font-style: italic;">Milk</span>, we imagine this role has Penn acting right down to the ends of the follicles in every single be-gelled and bouffanted piece of his hair, a true Hair Acting performance that goes far beyond Jeff Spicoli in <span style="font-style: italic;">Fast Times</span> or David Kleinfeld in <span style="font-style: italic;">Carlito's Way</span>. And we think that'll be enough to push it over the edge. From behind. [<span style="font-style: italic;">Ed's note: Ok that's just about enough of that</span>]<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">So go on, support Penn. Get </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Milk</span><span style="font-weight: bold;">.</span><br /><br />[<span style="font-style: italic;">Ed's note: </span>Milk<span style="font-style: italic;"> is directed by Gus Van Sant, who played bass in Skynard before the plane crash and guitar in the E-street Band after. His directorial career has mostly involved gay people or shooting - or, in the case of </span>Good Will Hunting<span style="font-style: italic;">, both. Everyone thinks that film was made exclusively by Damon and Affleck - that they wrote it, starred in it, produced it, did all the crew stuff and made the merchandise but no, it was Van Sant. Sadly he was forced to remove the scene where Robin Williams screams into Matt Damon's face, 'How d'ya like them apples... on your chin?' in a funny Ethel Merman voice and the scene where Affleck shoots Damon screaming "Not so clever now, are you?" Both are on the Director's Cut DVD. Ok, on OUR copy.</span>]<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Shatner Scale: Kirk</span> <span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />Worth Seeing: Why the hell not? Might as well have something to talk about the day after the Academy Awards and Universal Ball-Bearing Exhibition®.<br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:85%;" ><s>Footnote: If </s></span><span style="font-size:85%;"><s>Milk</s></span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:85%;" ><s> does not appear on the list of nominees for Best Film when they're announced on Thursday (22 January), we will deny all knowledge of this post ever happening.</s></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div>zesty petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17419775719956474883noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781170962149568723.post-27554709180003811492009-01-08T02:52:00.002+00:002009-01-11T00:07:28.942+00:00PRE-OSCARS ROUND-UP:The Guess List (Part II)Picking up from the first Guess List, here are yet more possible contenders for the Best Picture Award at the 2009 Academy Awards Oscars Extravaganza and International Pig Roast<span style="font-size:78%;"><sup>®</sup></span>. And like every sequel, this one will take what was a good idea and drive it into the ground, with slightly less content and a lot more filler.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">IN THE RUNNING (BUT ONLY JUST)</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Australia</span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SWVlMq9buaI/AAAAAAAAANU/7z2vE-YsrUg/s1600-h/Kangaroo2.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 295px; height: 299px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SWVlMq9buaI/AAAAAAAAANU/7z2vE-YsrUg/s320/Kangaroo2.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5288744605781309858" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Director: Baz Luhrmann</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">UK release date: 26 December 2008</span><br />The moment Hugh Jackman was announced as host of the next Academy Awards ceremony, two possible and parallel universe opened up before us. In one, <span style="font-style: italic;">Australia</span> takes every award possible except the Best Actor nod for Jackman. In the second, <span style="font-style: italic;">Australia</span> gets nothing and Jackman isn't even nominated. And Nicole Kidman snaps in two when caught in a revolving door on her way into the event (later stitched back together with her lower half on backwards - no-one notices but it does make her thrice annual visit to the toilet a bit tricky from then on). Only time will tell if the second option comes true, but we're crossing every digit on this one. Plus a few strangers' fingers as well.<br /><br />As for the film, we'll leave that to guest reviewer and our favourite Twitterer, <a href="http://twitter.com/MsMarmitelover/status/1100685843">@MsMarmitelover</a>: "<span class="entry-content">Australia one of worst films ever. Kidman, the baddies, all caricatures. Jokey 1st half, bizarre war-time 2nd half. Lots of tears, esp. Jackman</span>."<span class="meta entry-meta"> We couldn't have tweeted it better ourselves.</span><br /><br /><strong>Verdict: It will only win if the judging panel is made up exclusively of Nicole Kidman fans. By that, we mean Nicole Kidman and her inverted lower half. Even then, it's not a lock.<br /><br /><br /></strong><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Wrestler</span> <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SWVlkVNF6AI/AAAAAAAAANc/6EcAfYxaf20/s1600-h/Rourke.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 192px; height: 320px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SWVlkVNF6AI/AAAAAAAAANc/6EcAfYxaf20/s320/Rourke.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5288745012258269186" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Director: Darren Aronofsky</span> <span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />UK release date: 16 January 2009</span><br />Mickey Rourke explodes in a metaphor of his life writ large on the silver screen. By which we mean he plays a broken man who gets even more broked as he goes along, meeting with other broken folks who try to salvage their broken little lives through conciliatory sex and a bit of grifting. And then he learns a life lesson by having his face and other body parts smashed into a slick, sweaty wrestling ring canvas floor time and again.<br /><br />All of this is instead of a more appropriate metaphor, that of Mickey Rourke playing the part of a hugely talented actor with an ego the size of Montana who spent too much time defending his title as a hugely talented actor with his fists and even more time trying to look a bit more like Ivana Trump through the art of cosmetic surgery (or is it Melanie Griffith? Can't be sure, really, until the swelling settles sometime in 2012) , only to crawl his way back to the big stage by playing the same mumbling mumblers he always seems to play (largely because he can't really open his mouth unassisted at this point in his career). Which is all too bad because that would have made a better film.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Verdict: Won't win Best Film. Might take </span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Best Performance by an Overstuffed Comic Action Figure.</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Vicky Cristina Barcelona</span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SWVl57YT3MI/AAAAAAAAANk/0wv8Ay2_Qdw/s1600-h/Woody_Allen_-_statue.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 182px; height: 320px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SWVl57YT3MI/AAAAAAAAANk/0wv8Ay2_Qdw/s320/Woody_Allen_-_statue.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5288745383283121346" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Director: Woody Allen</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">UK release date: 6 February 2009</span><br />It's Woody's latest return to non-form. Every year, Woody "The Woodsman" Allen (not to be confused with John Holmes) has another return to non-form but this time, he's really returned to non-form with a film few people have seen but everyone agrees is a return to non-form. This time non-Woody is played by Javier Bardem who is caught between a young woman (<s>Mia Farrow</s> Penelope <s>Cruise</s> Cruz) and an even younger woman (<s>Soon-Yee-Previn</s> Scarlett Johannsen).<br /><br />This is another in Woody's European series where he takes beautiful famous young actors to various Old Country locations and lets them play out mediocre versions of his "older, better films". All of which were populated by older less beautiful and far more talented people.<br /><br /><strong>Verdict: Oscar Schmoscar, it'd take a time machine for Woody to pick up diddly from the Academy.</strong><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Curious Case of Benjamin Button</span> <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SWVmURx5LdI/AAAAAAAAAN0/kD5vQi-TauQ/s1600-h/Angelina_Jolie_and_Brad_Pitt.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 178px; height: 320px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SWVmURx5LdI/AAAAAAAAAN0/kD5vQi-TauQ/s320/Angelina_Jolie_and_Brad_Pitt.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5288745835972603346" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Director: David Fincher</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">UK release date: </span><span style="font-weight: bold;">6 February 2009</span><br />Every so often, Brad Pitt has to kick back and get away from the Brady Bunch at home, so he decides to makes long, long, long movies. Angelina does the same. Trust us, it's amazing how six screaming kids and a ready supply of nannies can motivate you to get up and out the house to make as many films as possible.<br /><br />This year, Brad and Angie (or Angelinad, as the tabloids know them) will be going head to head. In TCCOBB, Brad plays a man who ages backwards - a little like my cousin Derek who is 27 but has the brain of a three-year-old or my uncle Dave, who is dead. At last count, the film lasts 17.5 hours, but no-one's quite sure when it begins or ends because the ends are taped together.<br /><br /><strong>Verdict: A strong outsider. Simply because, hey, we need to give working parents a break. And the film kept about 1,000 people in jobs, which is what the Oscars are really about: future job security.</strong><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Changeling</span> <span style="font-weight: bold;">and </span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Gran Turino</span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SWVmmJh518I/AAAAAAAAAN8/w_8TYq3f3bo/s1600-h/Eastwood1981.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 92px; height: 286px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SWVmmJh518I/AAAAAAAAAN8/w_8TYq3f3bo/s320/Eastwood1981.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5288746142995699650" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Director: Clint Eastwood</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">UK release dates: </span><span style="font-weight: bold;">26 November 2008 and </span><span style="font-weight: bold;">20 February 2009</span><span style="font-weight: bold;"> respectively</span><br />Two films, one squint. Clint does what Clint does best: directs films, squints and wears a t-shirt. Because if you can do all three at his age, that's pretty much all you should ever do. Otherwise you might find yourself sounding like a Conservative old fart with too much time on his hands.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Verdict: The Academy will be so impressed that Clint hasn't died yet, they may give him Best Film for both and just hope he goes away for awhile.</span><br /><strong> </strong><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">RANK OUTSIDERS</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Waltz with Bashir</span> <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SWVnFzxkjJI/AAAAAAAAAOE/fzUsFnOwbrc/s1600-h/Bashir.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 133px; height: 200px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SWVnFzxkjJI/AAAAAAAAAOE/fzUsFnOwbrc/s200/Bashir.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5288746686911646866" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Director: Ali Forman</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">UK release date: 21 November 2008</span><br />It's animated. Animated things don't win Best Film Oscars. Because if that happened, then what would all those huge complicated multi-layered, many actored EPICS do? They'd fade away, that's what. And from that moment on, every single actor in Hollywood would be perfecting their voiceovers and wearing sweats and baseball hats and not shaving anything anymore. Basically, all of Hollywood would look like Philip Seymour Hoffman. And The Academy won't stand for that, no sir, nuh uh.<br /><br />Instead, they will continue to nominate the small indies and the worthy performances, but the Big Nod will go to the one that cost the most, hired the most people and generated bucketloads for the industry because THAT's the kind of film <s>The Industry</s> The Academy wants to keep on making.<br /><br /><strong>Verdict: The director is Ali Forman. Which was a great fight. And remember <span style="font-style: italic;">Ali</span> didn't win Best Film. Despite Will Smith, looking, sounding and acting nothing like Muhammed Ali. As for <span style="font-style: italic;">Waltz with Bashir</span>, <span style="font-style: italic;">Wall.E</span> will walk it. </strong><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Road</span> <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SWVnUs_q-gI/AAAAAAAAAOM/DkBT21MK5HE/s1600-h/TheRoad.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 259px; height: 283px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SWVnUs_q-gI/AAAAAAAAAOM/DkBT21MK5HE/s320/TheRoad.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5288746942789777922" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Director: John Hillcoat</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">UK release date: No date announced yet</span><br />As the tagline says: In the most depressing time since The Great Depression comes the most depressing film this decade based on the most depressing book you'll ever read. If you want to see the abyss, to actually taste the full salty taste of hopelessness and really understand just what bleak means, then this is for you. <strong style="font-weight: normal;">We all love a good weep but we're not so sure about a wrist-slitting, bleach-drinking plunge into suicidal misery that only a good dose of smack can bring you out of.</strong> Definitely not <span style="font-style: italic;">The Full Monty</span> sequel that Sony ordered.<br /><br /><strong>Verdict: A maybe for Oscar-glory. And I can't wait to see Hugh Jackman's dance interpretation.</strong><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Brothers Bloom</span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SWVntqBTDsI/AAAAAAAAAOU/zf83HywbQZ0/s1600-h/brothers-bloom-rs-poster.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 135px; height: 200px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SWVntqBTDsI/AAAAAAAAAOU/zf83HywbQZ0/s200/brothers-bloom-rs-poster.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5288747371488022210" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Director: Rian Johnson</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">UK release date: No date announced yet</span><br />It's like <span style="font-style: italic;">Grifters</span> but by the bloke who made <span style="font-style: italic;">Brick</span>. So you'll get loads of made-up words. And Rachel Weisz is in it. We can smell the Oscar. Trust us, this is the big outsider. Weisz, made-up words, Mark "Who? Oh THAT guy" Ruffalo. Watch this space. but don't bother with the film.<br /><br /><strong>Verdict: If you have any money, this is the one. Seriously, we know stuff you don't. Have we ever steered you wrong before? Ok fair enough, we're totally lying.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: normal;">So WHO will take the Biggest Oscar on the Biggest night of the Biggest Awards Show and Celebrity Ping-Pong Tournament</span></strong><span style="font-size:78%;"><sup>®</sup></span> <strong><span style="font-weight: normal;">of the Year?</span><br /><br />Stay tuned for The No Show's pick...<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Ed's Note: Most of these images were found on the internets and some are copyright free while others are licensed under Creative Commons or GNU or they're promotional or whatever. Hope that's clear enough for everyone. Also, sorry for the rubbish caption sizes, I'm tired and it's late, so you'll just have to deal with it.]</span></span><br /></strong>zesty petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17419775719956474883noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781170962149568723.post-42005857504249643142009-01-01T22:51:00.007+00:002009-01-15T13:56:28.358+00:00PRE-OSCARS ROUND-UP:The Guess ListOK, so it's 2009 now and we're all supposed to have lists and so on, and since the <span style="font-style: italic;">NY Post</span> Popwrap blog put forward Jarett Wieselman's <a href="http://blogs.nypost.com/popwrap/archives/2008/10/falls_12_must_s.html">"Best Movies To See This Fall"</a> a couple of months ago AND the UK's illustrious and very shiny BBC has published its own feeble guess list of what might take the Best Film Oscar in 2009 AND the <a href="http://nymag.com/movies/reviews/52914/">New York Magazine</a> went and did the same damned thing, <span style="font-weight: bold;">we figured it's just about time to drag our arses out of bed and start guessing whether any of these pseudo-possible-maybe Oscar contenders might be worth seeing in the first place.</span><br /><br />And so, using the same <s>lazy</s> pithy, down and dirty, scattergun approach of these publishing titans, here is PART I of our guesswork (in order of UK release date):<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />IN THE RUNNING<br /><br />THE READER<br />Director: Stephen Daldry<br />UK release date: 2 January 2009</span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SVJD1D2AZOI/AAAAAAAAAL8/vuwlaqnM1P4/s1600-h/200px-Reader_ver2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 135px; height: 200px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SVJD1D2AZOI/AAAAAAAAAL8/vuwlaqnM1P4/s200/200px-Reader_ver2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5283359891702965474" border="0" /></a>Post-war flashback drama. Stars Oscar-nominated Kate Winslet (statistically naked 48% of the time) and Oscar-nominated Ralph Fiennes (naked just 12% of the time). Based on an internationally best selling, Oprah Book Club sanctioned novel about sex and war crimes and sex. Director Daldry (rarely naked) has been nominated for two Oscars, won 27 other less impressive titles and received 22 nominations for awards that no-one can quite remember. They might as well have called the film "Give me your Oscar votes NOW, you stinking sons of bitches!". It should win. It must win. It won't win. Probably because Kate Winslet looks a bit silly as an older version of herself. Unless she's naked. Then she's fine.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="color: rgb(153, 0, 0);">Verdict: </span>Always the bridesmaid. </span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />FROST/NIXON<br />Director: Ron Howard<br />UK release date: 9 January 2009</span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SV1H0gPoWpI/AAAAAAAAAMk/Y6eXdroQJ4g/s1600-h/767px-Elvis-nixon.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 156px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SV1H0gPoWpI/AAAAAAAAAMk/Y6eXdroQJ4g/s200/767px-Elvis-nixon.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5286460504937093778" border="0" /></a>Ron "Richie 'Hot Balls' Cunningham" Howard likes make-up. He teamed up with Henry "Arthur 'The Fonz' Fonzerelli" Winkler in a pro-Obama <span style="font-style: italic;">Happy Days</span> and <span style="font-style: italic;">Opie </span><span>video </span>pastiche thing that went out on the U Tubes before the election. Everyone looked 800 years old and nobody was fooled by Howard's 3.5cm-thick layer of make-up, much less Winkler's cucumber down the pants. (But Obama won anyway, so that's got to count for something.)<br /><br />The fact that Ron Howard is behind the camera on <span style="font-style: italic;">Frost/Nixon</span> - which is a film version of a play of a TV special of an article of a sketch on a napkin of some original interviews between former President Nixon and Sir Robert Frost - means that viewers can expect equally thick make-up and some tear-jerker moments thrown in for good measure. But no sex. I'm hoping. (God, now that I think about it, I can't stop thinking about it. Seriously. Even the title is like some emoticon from hell, Frost's pasty white body pressing down on Nixon's heaving hunchback... bleurg, I'm going to need a shower now. And a Tetanus shot.)<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="color: rgb(153, 0, 0);">Verdict: </span>As likely as Nixon coming back and retaking the Presidency</span><span style="font-weight: bold;"> in his inevitably decayed but no doubt strangely sweet smelling (like almonds?) Zombie form.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE<br />Director: Danny Boyle<br />UK release date: 9 January 2009</span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SV1ICwHbClI/AAAAAAAAAM0/JpRWYCKChZE/s1600-h/Slumdog.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 100px; height: 100px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SV1ICwHbClI/AAAAAAAAAM0/JpRWYCKChZE/s320/Slumdog.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5286460749715802706" border="0" /></a>Danny Boyle directed <span style="font-style: italic;">Sunshine, Millions, 28 Days Later, Alien Love Triangle, The Beach, A Life Less Ordinary, Trainspotting</span><span> and </span><span style="font-style: italic;">Shallow Grave</span>. I'm doubting there'll be <s>a toilet scene in <span style="font-style: italic;">Slumdog Millionaire</span></s> [UPDATE: We have been reliably informed that the film DOES include a toilet diving scene, by the ever delightful <a href="http://twitter.com/MsMarmitelover">@msMarmiteLover</a> - see comments] full frontal from Keith Allen or Ewan McGregor. And those were the only Oscar-worthy moments in anything Boyle's done to date. Having said that, everyone likes this. So it might just come in second on the night. No: third. Definitely nearly maybe almost.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="color: rgb(153, 0, 0);">Verdict:</span> Snowball's chance on a slightly chilly day in hell</span>.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">DOUBT<br />Director: John Patrick Shanley<br />UK release date: 6 February 2009 </span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SV1ISUyDe4I/AAAAAAAAAM8/zWCuL78IN0c/s1600-h/Philip-Seymour-Hoffman.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 114px; height: 160px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SV1ISUyDe4I/AAAAAAAAAM8/zWCuL78IN0c/s320/Philip-Seymour-Hoffman.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5286461017256328066" border="0" /></a>Philip Seymour Hoffman playing a perv. I still haven't recovered from the <span style="font-style: italic;">Happiness</span> money shot (and that was a "a masterpiece of irony" according to IMDB reviewer drosse67 from Virginia). This time, PSH's playing a priest perv. Or accused of being a priest but turns out to be a perv. Or something. And Meryl Streep is in it as a nun apparently. (Streep as a nun - really? First <span style="font-style: italic;">Mamma Mia!</span>, now this. What is wrong with Hollywood these days?)<br /><br />Nope, I just don't quite get this one. The trailer makes it look like a comedy. Speed it up and add Yakety-Sax and it would be all over the internets. It looks like it was created with left-over wardrobe from McNight Shallamallabingbong's <span style="font-style: italic;">The Village</span>, but without the whole "it-looks-really-old-but-the-Village-is-just-hidden-away-from-the-modern-world-like-the-Amish" thing. (Sorry, spoiler alert. Damn.)<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">Verdict:</span> Prayer might help.</span><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Couldn't hurt, anyway.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">THE VISITOR</span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />Director: Thomas McCarthy</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">UK release date: 4 July 2008</span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SV1Id_B5SVI/AAAAAAAAANE/2HNc-5jHg94/s1600-h/435px-Alien.png"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 145px; height: 200px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SV1Id_B5SVI/AAAAAAAAANE/2HNc-5jHg94/s200/435px-Alien.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5286461217575618898" border="0" /></a>I literlly know nothing about this at all. Not a damned thing. So here's my guess at what this film is about: someone comes to visit someone else. It's a surprise, unexpected. Maybe... someone from the other person's past? Or, no wait - an ALIEN. Yes, that's much better. An alien drops down from his spaceship to visit someone unexpectedly. A young boy. A young boy without a father figure in his life. He bonds with the little alien and together they discover much about each other's lives and, in so doing, discover much about themselves. Then his mom finds out, freaks out, throws a glass of water on the alien and it melts. Prompting an attack on the Earth by the alien mothership. Which is finally destroyed when two brave but foolhearty volunteers steal an alien attack ship, fly straight into the mothership and download a computer virus that doesn't do anything, but unbeknownst to our two heroes, they are both carriers of a real virus that is deadly to the aliens and kills them all off.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="color: rgb(153, 0, 0);">Verdict:</span> If that's what The Visitor is about, it's totally going to win.</span><br /><br /><br />2009 Academy Award nominations are announced in Los Angeles on 22 January ahead of the ceremony itself on 22 February.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Stay tuned for PART II of our guesswork: COMING SOON.</span>zesty petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17419775719956474883noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781170962149568723.post-65560814335952195082008-12-15T13:34:00.001+00:002008-12-15T14:19:28.471+00:00ALBUM REVIEW: "It's Not Me, It's You" by Lily Allen<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SUZcx5iw8sI/AAAAAAAAAL0/9yAwKczxfrc/s1600-h/LilyAllen.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 200px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_lT1I-nzxRGE/SUZcx5iw8sI/AAAAAAAAAL0/9yAwKczxfrc/s200/LilyAllen.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5280009625468465858" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">UK release date:<br />9 February 2009</span><br /><br />There are two types of Allen: Woody and the Allen family. If you are Woody, then you are immune from abuse, no matter how much crap you've produced in the last 20 years, even if you marry your former step-daughter.<br /><br />If you are a member of the Allen family at large, you are not Woody and therefore you are a talent-vacuum. The children are Mockney artistes who burst forth from their way-too-famous-by-half-even-though-he-can’t-act-sing-write-perform-but-can-get-his-willy-out-for-his-art-and-drink-and-go-to-the-Groucho-Club dad Keith.<br /><br />"But that's not fair!" you say. "Stop attacking Lily and review the album itself!"<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Ok then: in an internet first, we are going to interview the new album about what it’s like being an actual Lily Allen album:</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">The No Show:</span> You're called "</span><span style="font-weight: bold;">It’s Not Me, It’s You" - w</span><span style="font-weight: bold;">hy is your name so annoying?</span><br />"I guess she thought it was clever. You know, she just switched the words "You" and "Me" around. She thinks that’s brilliant but I have to f**king live with it. <span style="font-style: italic;">Chinese Democracy</span> and <span style="font-style: italic;">Circus</span> both keep laughing at me, the c*nts."<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">The No Show:</span> </span><span style="font-weight: bold;">What's Lily like in real life?</span><br />"What do you f**king think? Every time someone plays me, her flat, tinny little voice drones out talking about her boyfriend, or council estate or crack or going on the lash. She’s a bucketload of annoying on CD and in real life."<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">The No Show:</span> </span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Why did you choose to work with her?</span><br />"No choice, mate. The Allens [except Woody] are like the mafia. Once they want something they get it. I mean, her dad Keith Allen is like the Naked Godfather or something. All because he flashed his willy for <span style="font-style: italic;">Shallow Grave</span>. And look at that albino spunkstain of a brother of hers – he gets to go out with Ray Winstone’s hot kid and replace Harry Potter in that horse-shagging thing where he gets his old boy out. And of course Lily gets the girls our every chance she gets. It's the Allen Family shortcut to fame: get their kit off and everyone'll talk about them. Got no talent? Hey, look at my penis! Aren't my nipples interesting! Suddenly the world is your oyster. Sad but true."<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">The No Show:</span> </span><span style="font-weight: bold;">What is the difference between you and Lily’s first album, <span style="font-style: italic;">Alright, Still</span>?</span><br />"Well, not a lot. Of course, <span style="font-style: italic;">Alright, Still</span> sadly committed suicide a few months back. I remember him saying that the shame of that 'Smile' aberration and the fact that a girl who went to Roedean was singing about doing crack and ting like she was some working class hero was too much. In fact, if anything, I’m even more ashamed because not only am I a difficult second album, I’m a shite second album."<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">The No Show:</span> </span><span style="font-weight: bold;">What’s your favourite track on the album?</span><br />"Are you 'aving a f**king laugh? I’d rather have one of Elton John’s spunky farts on me than some of these songs. I mean just look at the titles:<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">The Fear</span>: "Of f**king what? Not being noticed all the time?"<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">It’s Not Fair</span>: "Oh for the love of God."<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Dismiss You (AKA "Fuck You" "Get With The Brogram" "GWB" or "Guess Who Batman")</span>: "AKA, I can’t take this anymore".<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">The No Show:</span> </span><span style="font-weight: bold;">And finally, what of the future?</span><br />"There isn’t one. I’m a one off. I could’ve been someone. But once she got her hands on me I was doomed."<br /><br />[album flops over and starts crying]<br /><br />And so we leave <span style="font-style: italic;">It’s Not Me, It’s You</span> to his fate, destined for the bargain bin at the local Morrisons petrol station (now FREE with fill-up!).<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Shatner Scale:</span> Quincy cameo.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Must hear:</span> No. The Allen clan must be stopped. Before someone gets hurt.zesty petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17419775719956474883noreply@blogger.com2