As the saying goes, No Show News is good news, so let's get it on.
Popstar in court over cartoon rat
Cod-reggae cover artists UB40 are to sue animation giants Pixar over the film Ratatouille, which they claim was plagarised from their hit song Rat in mi kitchen.
Lead singer One of the Campbell brothers said (in a strange Ja-fake-an patios): "Da ting is we wrote Rat in da kitchen about a rat who likes to cook and ting and den dis group of haters come along and make a film about it and don't even ask us and ting. We is well going to sue dem."
Pixar, makers of Toy Story, Cars, Wall-E and Finding Nemo said: 'Who the f**k are UB40?'
Breaking News: Fish from Marillion may also be suing over Finding Nemo because it "had fish in it" and Gary Numan is also considering litigation over Cars. Because of the cars, and the things that are in them. According to a person standing near Numan, "Gaz is wary about opening himself up to lawsuits from David Bowie for, y'know, stealing his entire stage persona. So he might not sue. But he totally should."
Even more breaking news: This just in from the not-often-read Hurriyet Daily News (via Defamer.com) – "The mayor of Batman, a city [in Turkey] recently under scrutiny due to unsolved murders and increasing rates of female suicides, will sue the director of the movie Batman movie."
According to Hurriyet, the mayor is quoted as saying "The royalty of the name 'Batman' belongs to us... There is only one Batman in the world. The American producers used the name of our city without informing us."
According to other less reliable reports, Batman director Christopher Nolan is understood not to give a shit.
Day Lewis set to play Craig David
Oscar-winner and professional shouter (Silver Throat level) Daniel Day Lewis is set to play Craig David in a new bio-pic. Lewis is currently wrapping his latest Oscar attempt entitled Me, Me and Me.
"Me, me and me is the best film of my long and brilliant career. The director, God, is a personal friend and wanted me to do this for ages. Essentially, it's 15 hours of me, me, me shouting at meself, Meself, meself in a lovely mirror about whatever I want. Milkshakes, burgers, fries, you name it, I shout it... in a strange accent."
When asked about the upcoming Craig David biopic, Lewis twisted his beautiful face into a grimace, threw his beatific and sinewy hands in the air and enigmatically intoned: "I met him Monday, I took him for a drink on Tuesday..." At that point, this reporter walked out.
New Zombie movie gets the greenlight
Great news for lovers of the undead as yet another zombie movie is set to be unleashed. Not satisfied with Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, Shaun of the Dead, Flight of the Living Dead, Diary of the Dead, Land of the Dead, 28 Days/Weeks later, Zombie Strippers and Dead Set, Zombie-loving director George A. Romero is about to start shooting on his latest flesh feast, Dead of the Dead - but this one looks set to be a little different.
'In Dead of the Dead, or Dod as we call it, we will deal with the complex issue of zombie bereavement. It's about zombies coming to terms to their loss and bravely overcoming obstacles. How does a zombie husband deal with the death of a spouse while chowing down on his daughter's shin-bone? I've never really covered this ground before but I think it'll be a surprise."
Rumours abound that Meryl Streep, Liam Neeson, Kenneth Branagh and Sydney Poitier have all signed. Dead of the Dead opens next spring.
Cate Blanchett transparency problem
Pallid, Oscar-winning, poorly spelt Actress with a capital A Cate Blanchett (really name Kate Blanket) has admitted today that she is suffering from X-rayitis. A source close to Kate/Cate said: "The beloved should-be dame is becoming increasingly see-through and if you hold her up the light you can see her bones just like you could with those 79 cent X-ray specs from the back of comic books. She's wafer thin. It's a tradegy."
Blanchett/Blanket, who many people confuse with Nicole Kidman, has set up a charity for other suffering from this crippling ailment. For more log on to www.cateblanchettshouldstayoutofthesun.com
It was Radiohead what won it
In a staggering turn of events, it was revealed today that popular Oxford-born miserabilists Radiohead actually won the US presidency, before generously handing the title over to Barack Obama. Vocalist and self-proclaimed saviour Thom Yorke is quoted as saying: "When we decided to give our new single "After the dust settles, all that's left is a single tear" away in exchange for votes, we thought it'd be a decent joke but so many people wanted it that we ended up winning the damn thing."
The band deliberated on whether they were the right choice for president of the world's largest democracy and, while Yorke believes they were, he was outvoted by the bald one and the two others and handed the title to Obama.
"Hey, Radiohead is a democracy too," laughed Yorke - his first ever laugh.
Bono "does it for the kids"
As Britain cowers in fear of hoodies, knife crime and gangs of feral kids that look like that one out of Mad Max 2, U2 frontman Bono Vox (not his given name) has come up with an idea which may save the country from drowning in a sea of blood. His new charity "Make Puberty History" hopes to raise enough money to help teenagers cut out those difficult years between 12 and 19.
The man behind that song from Batman Forever and the one about zoos said in a statement: "I believe the one way to save these kids is to Make Puberty History. No spots, tantrums, loneliness, disaffection or wanking. I will save them because I am Bono Vox."
Funnily enough Bono Vox means good voice in Latin - no seriously, it does.
Gok Wan's name is funny
Yes it is. It just is. Not my fault, just is, alright?
Britain's next top Rod Hull
The hunt for a new hand to go up Emu's arse starts on BBC3 on Tuesday at 11.30 after three episodes of Gavin and Stacey and the complete third season of Two pints of Lager.
Buddha signs up for next season of The Apprentice
Headline explains story.
Correction: Hitler did NOT have only one ball
Daddy Daycare 3 - Crack Babies
Glengarry Glen Ross Kemp
The Incredible Elephant Man
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