FILM REVIEW: Zack and Miri Make a Porno

UK Release Date: 14 November
Starring: Elizabeth Banks, Seth Rogen, Gerry Bednob

Zack and Miri Make a Porno is a Kevin Smith movie by Kevin Smith. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking: "Porno. I like porno. I should go see this film about the making of a porno, yes?"

But Wait™ – think about it. Do you REALLY want to see a porno being made? Porno is like sausages and laws: everybody likes them, but no-one should ever see how they're made. Except for vegetarians and anarchists, who do not like sausages or laws, respectively. And if they saw either being made, they would probably try to disrupt things, which is the last thing you want when a porno is involved.

Also, think about this: pornography, as we all know, was invented by Leonardo Da Vinci, shortly before he invented the helicopter and the automatic coffeemaker, and just before he invented Dan Brown. Between his famous anatomically correct sketches of organs and body parts were steamy little vignettes of Leo and that hot stud from down the plaza, the one with the nipples like Roman coins. This is a FACT.

Pornography is also the lifeblood of the web (and New York's Central Park - see Steve Guttenberg) and the only thing preventing the internet from becoming a carefully regulated arm of the Department of Homeland Security.

But pornography on film? Madness. Who would want to sit in a cinema with a bunch of other people watching yet other people groping and penetrating each other if various ways with various body parts? Except Paul Reubens, I mean?

Kevin Smith would, that's who.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno is a Kevin Smith movie by Kevin Smith, which means it'll be a Kevin Smith film.

In other words:

- Fast paced dialogue interrupted by long awkward pauses. Possibly drug induced.
- Pop culture references. Possibly drug related.
- "Slacker talk", ie "awesome", "dude", "whassup" "are you shittin me?"
- Kevin Smith., cameo or otherwise. Definitely drug inspired.
- Sluggish, dopey laughter. Possibly drug related or induced, definitely inspired.
- Jason Mewes. Possibly selling or buying drugs.

So, basically, this Kevin Smith movie by Kevin Smith will be a Kevin Smith film. But with Gerry "Go fuck a goat" Bednob. And that's gotta mean something.

So, to summarise: many many people like the porno, but don't want to watch it being made; absolutely no-one wants to see Kevin Smith naked; Gerry Bednob is very funny, mostly because he's old and swears a lot. Should you see it? Very possibly maybe yes.

Shatner rating: Denny Crane
Should I bother? Maybe. For The Bednob. The man is a genius.