Tuesday, 23 June 2009

MEGA REVIEW: The Top Seven Movies The No Show Will Not Be Seeing This Summer

Despite all evidence to the contrary, it is summer. That means it's time for MegaBig Multimillion Dollar Blockbuster Powerhouses with Extra Power and Explosions and Nudity and Merchandising and Hilarious Porn Films That Take the Original Blockbuster's Name and Make it Sound a Bit Dirty.

It also means it's time for...

The Top Seven Movies The No Show Will Not Be Seeing This Summer

Per The No Show rules, of course, we haven't seen any of these films, but they're so special that we're definitely not going to see any of them. No question.

1. Terminator: Salivation
UK Release Date: 3 June 2009

As movie timelines goes, this pretty much sucks. They should have stuck to the Back to the Future Formula for Time-Travel Film Success: good one, rubbish one, Western one. (Or the Seven Samurai Formula for Success in Everything: Good Original Japanese one, Pretty Good Western copy, Every Other Rubbish one).

Instead, Terminator goes all serious. Except it's not. It's Kindergarten Cop versus Batman. In the future. Directed by the Charlie's Angels guy. Not sure why anyone would want to see a film that follows the plight of the Terminators and their struggles with rust and the perils of excess salivation due to old age, but what do I know?

If this film were a bag, it would be: A man's clutch bag, something that people get excited about every few years but then shove in a cupboard in sheer embarrassment

Box-office final figure: £1bn (in nachos alone)

Porno version: Sperminator: Lubrication

2. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
UK Release Date: 19 June 2009

First, if you're a giant fuckoff robot killing machine from another planet, you don't disguise yourself as a giant driverless fuckoff robot killing machine truck/ helicopter/ missile from outer space. Try a pirate costume or a knight or a chef or a Scottish fucking housekeeper or a spooky fairground owner.

Second, why "The Revenge of the Fallen"? Why not "Transformers 2"? I'll tell you why. Because when you're Producer Director God Michael Bay, you never do what the audience expects. Just when your audience is expecting something to explode like BAM! you explode it like BOOM! You explode that thing in a totally different way. They never expect that.

With this in mind, Bay will no doubt be exploding things in new and exciting ways for years to come, in future titles like:

Transformers: The Passion of the Optimus Prime
Transformers: 120 days of Sodom (Japanese release only)
Transformers: Battleship Potemkin 2 (this time it turns into a big fucking yellow robot)

Box-office final figure: £575m (unless the summer weather finally turns up and children rediscover the joys of Swingball, in which care it'll earn around £3.75)

If this film were a bag, it would be: A really expensive colostomy bag. Overflowing. With no one to empty it ever. Then it would explode. (BAM!)

Porno version: Transgenders: Slice off the ballbag

3. Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs
UK Release Date: 1 July 2009

This is exactly the same story as Terminator if you replace Arnie with Ice and Sarah and John Connor with a mammoth, a tiger and a squirrel or whatever the hell that scrawny acorn junkie is supposed to be. In the first one, the ice travels through time to kill them and they run away. In the second one, the ice is even more dangerous because it's melting, just like the Terminator in Termintor 2, and now in three, things are rising just like in Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. I realise this ice age title says "dawn" but that's pretty much the same thing as rising. Plus, it features dinosaurs, just like Arnie in Terminator 3 .[Ed's note: ZING!]

This means we can look forward to Ice Age 4 in the years ahead, which will be all serious and star Christian Bale and be called something like Ice Age: Ice Ice Baby, featuring a giant murderous prehistoric Vanilla Ice.

If this film were a bag, it would be: A magic bag full of your crushed hopes and dreams.

Box-office final figure: A bag of magic beans that turn into a bean stalk.

Porno version: Spice Age: Porn of the (Spearmint) Rhino Whores
[Ed's note: And that's how to stretch a not veyr funny gag, ladies and g'men]

4. Public Enemies
UK Release Date: 1 July 2009

Not sure it was wise to hire Johnny Depp and Christian Bale to take the lead roles in what we assume is a fictionalised account of the rise of Public Enemy, but who are we to question Michael Mann? After all, this is the director who brought us Miami fucking Vice. I for one can't wait to see Bale bringing down the house with his version of "Pollywanacraka" or "Bring the Noise" as Depp cold-lamps behind him shouting "Are you aware of what time it is?"

One thing though: just because Christian Bale has a bad case of serious face doesn't mean he has to be in everything. However, the fact that Johnny Depp is in it means we're guaranteed meaningless sequels like Public Enemies: Voyage to the End of the Abyss or Public Enemies: Arrgh Arrgh, I've Got a Parrot.

If this film were a bag, it would be: A scrotum. Thin and rubbery and containing two bollocks.

Box-office final figure: Anywhere between £2.00 and £25,000,000. Rounding up.

Porno version: Pubic Enemas. EASY!!!

5. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
UK Release Date: 15 July 2009

I don't understand: is this actually going to star Prince? What does he have to do with Harry Potter? And are they calling him half-blood as part of some racist ploy to get tabloid attention?

If this does star Prince - and we at The No Show are in no position to confirm or deny this - I expect complaints. After all, this is the man who sang about a girl named Nikki who was a "sex queen" who he met "in a hotel lobby masturbating with a magazine". Is this the kind of thing we want to show our kids? They say these were the books that got our kids reading again. No wonder they're all such fucking spasmo hoodie knife-crazy fucknuts. Ban this sick filth.

If this film were a bag, it would be:
A wizard's sleeve. Make of that what you will.

Box-office final figure:
Every single penny in the known universe, leaving JK Rowling so wealthy she will be granted ownership of the Isle of Wight, just in case she ever tries to withdraw her money from the bank.

Porno version:
Hairy Putter and the hard wood ponce [Ed: That really is bloody rubbish.]

6. G-Force
UK Release Date: 31 July 2009

All you need to know is this. The G stands for "gerbils". The Force stands for "force". If you've seen Ultimate Force with Ross Kemp or Ross Kemp on Gangs, this is like those, except replace Ross Kemp with a gerbil and everything else with loads more gerbils. That's it.

It's like an animated Mission Impossible with gerbils in which the gerbils have to escape through Tom Cruise's back door [Ed's note: Back door can mean two things and we definitely mean the hard wooden one that closes off the end of Tom's long passage. And yes, we know how that sounds but really, that's you, not us.]

If this film were a bag, it would be: A brown paper bag. Innocent on the outside but full of filth on the inside.

Box-office final figure: 18p (or however much pocket money seven-year-old children get these days)

Porno version: G-Spot Force (they just make it too easy)

7. Land of the Lost
UK Release Date: 31 July 2009

Will Ferrell. Anna Friel. Dinosaurs. Time-travelling robots. Once again, a TV show no-one remembers becomes a film no-one will see. It's The English Patient all over again*.

Land of the Lost will undoubtedly be a work of cataract-inducing arse candy, like a Brendan Fraser film where you replace Brendan Fraser with a giant cancerous tumour and the action swirls around the cancerous tumour for two hours telling the kinds of jokes that wouldn't even make it in an Adam Sandler film. A film so bad I can't even be bothered to track down a picture of Will Ferrell's head and stick it on the body of Benjamin Linus (from Lost) and then add a badly drawn picture of a dinosaur gnawing on his testicles. You'll just have to imagine it.

If this film were a bag, it would be: One of the blue ones you get from corner shops that rip instantly.

Box-office final figure: Nothing It will be the first major blockbuster since Speed Racer to be seen by absolutely no one.

Porno version: Labia of the lust 2: Spunk in my hair.

7. GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra
UK release date: 7 August 2009

I used to play with GI Joe when I was kid, except in Great Britain we called him "Action Man". Which is unfortunate because instead of sounding like a powerhouse of military might, he sounded like some kind of slimy plastic swinger looking for a good time on a Saturday night.

If the directors of this piece of genius follow the story that I came up with for my GI Joe/Action Man, Joe will fall off a roof, be rescued by Han Solo and Steve Austin, get a spaceship to rescue a teddy bear who is being held prisoner by a dragon and/or a football who was like a terrifying blob monster if my mum asked. When Joe arrives he is kidnapped and tied to a chair and me and Barry Teller, my next door neighbour, shot him with an air rifle. Then I took Joe inside and we watched The Clangers and ate Mojos.

If they follow that storyline to the letter, this film will rule and be awesome. But they won't. They never do.

If this film were a bag, it would be: A school lunchbag. The kind that looks just cool enough for Billy Faversham to steal from you at lunchtime because Barry Teller won't help defend you and he's an idiot.

Box-office final figure: A gajamzillion dollars.

Porno version: GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra already sounds like a porn film

* You didn't know? The English Patient started out as a sitcom, but didn't really work. Turns out people really don't find burn victims funny. However, Willem Dafoe did steal the show as David Caravaggio, the thumbless thief . His hilariously ironic catchphrase "I'm all thumbs" took the world by storm. Especially in some of the more literal Middle Eastern countries, where thumb removal quickly became the punishment of choice for thieves, just so those enforcing the law could shout the catchphrase. It continued to draw appreciative applause from the crowds for years afterwards.

Also: all these photos were found on Wikimedia Commons. Some rights apply, or something.

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