FILM REVIEW: Two Lovers

UK release date: 27 March 2009
Starring: Joaquin Phoenix and some other people

According to IMBD, Two Lovers is "a Brooklyn-set romantic drama about a bachelor (Phoenix) torn between the family friend his parents wish he would marry and his beautiful but volatile new neighbor."

It is going to be rubbish.

This verdict is based on three very good and undeniable FACTS:

1. Timing is everything. The film is being released too late for the 2009 Academy Awards and too soon for anyone to remember it for the 2010 Academy Awards (though it will still probably earn some BAFTA nominations. Anything to bump up the list of US presenters at the awards).

2. It co-stars Gwyneth Paltrow. Seriously: name one film she's been in that was actually good. We'll wait. No, not that one, it was rubbish too. And not that one either. See? Told you.

3. Lead actor Joaquin Phoenix retired shortly after the film wrapped. To become a professional BEARDY rapper.)

So there you go, verdict done, on to more important business:

WHY THE FRAK IS JOAQUIN PHOENIX RETIRING TO BECOME A BEARDY RAPPER???

According to JP Beardy Rapper MC himself (on People.com), "This is me saying this is who I am. This is my story. After all the years of reading scripts and reading lines, this is my chance to do something straight from the heart and put it out there."

But as Yahoo news also pointed out, "After his set, he was left red-faced after he tripped and fell into the crowd as he attempted to step off the stage."

Is it a joke? Defamer.com thinks so (but they're such bitchy bitches they'd mock Ghandi for his fashion choices). And spotting Casey Affleck filming MC McBeardy's "gigs" make it feel like a big phat mockumentary scam.

But still, Phoenix aka DJ Beardy McBeardson insists it's all fuh realz.

Just in case, we at The No Show feel it necessary to remind young MC Big Bad JoPhe Beard of a few other poor career choices that were made by famous types at pivotal junctions in their lives, and the car crash-like results that ensued:


Vanilla Ice (aka Robbie Van Winkle): Useless "rapper" who sampled "Under Pressure" for his one big hit without giving any credit or paying royalties and had the first #1 on the Billboard charts and sold 17 million CDs before being sued and paying out big time. His success can only be explained by a kind of mass insanity that began in middle class suburbs before spreading around the world. Thankfully, Van Winkle's switch to acting cured the world of its collective madness and he failed spectacularly, winning the "Worst New Star" award at the 1991 Golden Raspberry Awards. He shifted back to "music" - this time with creepy dreads that looked stapled to his head - and failed yet again. So, like every American performer without a career, Van Winkle turned to his last possible creative outlet, Reality TV, where he has enjoyed modest success (if you include "getting the crap beaten out of you by Todd Bridges" in your definition of modest success).

[Ed's note: all of the above "facts" were lifted directly from the Winkapedium. So they must be true.]


David Bowie: An unique and charismatic hair musician, Bowie's hair had several chart-topping hits. Then his hair dabbled in hair acting, with limited success (though his turn as Jareth the Hairy Goblin King in Labyrinth was, frankly, astonishing and hirsute). So far so good. Then he turned to financial hair services, offering hair stocks and generally spreading himself thin, which of course lead us all into the hairy economic situation we're all in now.


Mickey Rourke: Great actor turned mediocre actor turned boxer turned crash test dummy for cosmetic surgeons throughout LA. One small error in judgement in the early 1990s = 10 years of wandering in the wilderness before major comeback with The Wrestler (and it was a comeback - Another 9 1/2 Weeks and straight to video shit like Shades don't count as acting).


Chuck Norris: A super-duper action hero (big and small screen), this roundhouse-kicker extraordinaire then decided that he was so great that he must be great at everything. Including fashion. Say hello to The Chuck Norris Action Jeans for the martial artist. I shit you not.



John Wayne Bobbit: Wife hacked off his knob, so he had to prove it would work. By going into porn. It didn't really work. And neither did he after that.


Ron Jeremy (or indeed any porn actor given even half a chance): When Ron Jeremy went from Insanely Famous Hairy Fat Hedgehog Pornstar to Actor, people were prepared to give him half a chance. Unfortunately for Ron, it turned out that his penis got all the talent. But that didn't stop a handful of other porn stars who have jumped at the chance when offered a role by saddo directors looking for "authenticity" by which they mean "people willing to actually have sex on set in front of my entire film crew so I can call this piece of shit film 'art'". Except for Traci Lords. She's pretty good actually.

Paris Hilton, Noami Campbell etc: This applies to a wide range of useless models, IT girls and the offspring of stupidly wealthy and famous parents - recording an album is always a bad idea. ALWAYS. There are no exceptions to this rule. Vacuousness, stupidity and inexcusable wealth are no excuse.

Justin Lee Collins: He used to be a successful double-glazing demonstrator. Now look at him, chasing former celebrities and haranguing them like some great hairy ape. It's just wrong. Just plain wrong.


Lindsay Lohan: Former child actor and rehab addict, she decided to pack that in and try her hand at full time professional lesbianism. While she has enjoyed some success with this career, the constant appearance of walking skeleton Samantha Ronson at her side is messing with Lohan's celebrity status because being with the sister of a famous producer is more likely to get Lohan into clubs than having appeared in an hilarious remake of Herbie. And it's making Lohan look fat. (Seriously Ronson, grab a bagel or something, will you?)


Adolf Hitler: Tried to be an artist but he was shit. So he became a psychotic mass murdering megalomaniac instead. Which is unfortunate.


Stalin: Should have stayed a weatherman. Unfortunately, his light workload meant he had time to foster revolution, which lead to a fairly substantial career change as a nasty dictator. Good moustache though.


Telly Savalas: Successfully bald on both the big and small screen, then for whatever reason he decided to try singing. Entirely unnecessary. No-one was ever going to forget that he was bald.


William Shatner: Former godlike actor with a barrel chest and a non-specific speech impediment. Then he decided to do whatever the hell that is he's doing on those albums because it sure as hell isn't singing. (Bill, we love you, but seriously, stop recording albums.)

Lesson learned, MC JP McBeady No1? We thought so.

Now get your ass back to that film set: Parenthood 2: Garry's Wild Ride isn't going to make itself you know.

[Ed's Note: Again, most of these images were found on Wikimedia Commons. Apart from the public domain ones, the others are licensed under Creative Commons or GNU or they're promotional or whatever. The Vanilla Ice and Stalin pics are both public domain, Bowie's hair pic is by Elmar J. Lordemann, Justin Lee Collins' hair pic is by Martinra1966. I'm honestly not sure where the Chuck Norris ad came from. Sorry Chuck.]