Film Review: Eagle Eye

Release date: October 17 2008
Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Michelle Monaghan, Rosario Dawson

Not the life story of Neneh Cherry's one-hit wonder brother nor a nature documentary about monovisual avian marauders (my new band's name), Eagle Eye is another in a long series of pretty-people-run-away-from-exploding-things-while-big-metal-things-buzz-overhead-and-character-actors-slum-it-while-talking-menacingly-into-product-placements-and-bald-vegan-techno-geeks-provide-the-soundtrack.

Replacing Matt Damon (cue Team America voice now) who would normally star in these things, is Shia LeBeouf. Roughly translated, his name means "Shy of the Beef" - which apparently, he isn't, being a fan of cows and bodybuilders who translate him roughly.

Accompanied by a pretty girl (played by a pretty girl) The Beef runs, ducks, jumps and shouts things like "What do you want from me?" and "What the hell is going on?" at regular intervals until he finds out the answers to those questions. Once he finds out the answers to those questions, the film ends. Billy Bob Thornton also appears as a tough Southern-inflected CIA/FBI/NAMBLA member who wants Shy of the Beef's "ass on a plate". Hence the NAMBLA membership.

Directed with all the verve of the Verve and the panache of Panache (a cheap seventies perfume that smelt like a MILF's undercarriage mixed with Toilet Duck) by DJ Caruso (possible relation of David Caruso, the scowling ginger pug star of Jade whose glowering presence in CSI-Daytona and NYPD Blue Hawaii make most normal people turn off their TVs and put their heads in hot, hot ovens), Eagle Eye is a film for people whose eyes need to move quickly and who want to see Shy of the Beef use a phone or ask open-ended questions.

Shatner rating: Miss Congeniality
Must See? Maybe