FILM REVIEW: Pig Hunt

UK release: 2 November

Pig Hunt. The title is just so damned tantalising. Is it about a young woman's journey of self-discovery? Or a dying man's last wishes fulfilled? Perhaps a touching tale of a young boy as he tries to recover from the loss of a parent, possibly through the intercession of a wisecrackin' ole hog?

No. It's about pigs. And hunting. But Wait™ – because it's a horror-thriller-splatter-gore-fest and turnabout's fair play and Black Sheep kicked box office and DVD rental ass and no-one can resist bacon (not even those tree-hugging vegetarian lefty types)... dum dum daaaaaah - the pigs are the ones doing the killing! OMG that is soooooo awesome!

There are only a tiny handful of very important problems with this premise:

1/ Pigs have hooves, not hands. No opposable thumbs. Which means no clever manipulation of guns or other hand-held implements. Which means Victim #5 will never get to open that barn door only to find a massive hog with a striking resemblance to Travolta in Wild Hogs (shades, bandana, etc) standing upright and firing a double barrel shotgun. Which means this is not so much about pigs that hunt as pigs that attack in groups. Like a swarm. Maybe it should be called "Swarming Pig Death". Unless it's about a boar. Because they can be nasty. Is it about a boar? It is? Then shouldn't it be called "Boar Hunt"?

2/ Pigs don't speak, which means no pithy asides, eg "Hasta la vista, bacon". And that's a shame. Sarcastic pigs would have made for a great film.

3/ Statistically, "death by pig" is more about falling pigs or undercooked pork (which might possibly have even killed Mozart) than outright pig attack.

4/ No scary pig film will ever be a truly scary pig film because the only really scary pig film was Animal Farm, with those animated walking pigs. They were just freaky. (And remember: Four legs good, Two legs bad)

5/ Deliverance has already covered the hillbilly-and-their-pigs angle. No need to revisit it in any form.

But aside from all that, there is one truly tantalising possibility that lurks beneath the surface of this title: the reaction shot as our heros, revelling in their inevitable and inexorable victory over the invading horde of hog, tucks into a victory breakfast only to find that... dum dum daaaaaah! That's right: the bacon is in fact made of people. Pig Hunt Is People! Tasty Delicious Smoked People! Thinly Sliced and Pan Fried Until Crispy People!

Mmmm. Crispy people bacon. Now I'm hungry. Damn you, bacon!

PS: The tagline on the posters for this film is "Don't Be Scared!" Is that an instruction? Because it's dumb. Surely it should say, I don't know, something like "You'll be so scared you'll shit yourself and then try to hide in your shitty pants"? Or "Be really really scared! Of pigs! Killer pigs! Woooooooooooo!"? Just a thought.

Shatner rating: Denny Crane (I secretly want this film to be great)
Should I bother? No. Because it won't be great. It's about pigs.