ALBUM REVIEW:A Hundred Million Suns by Snow Patrol

Release date:
27 October

"A Hundred Million Suns". The title alone gives you the idea of just how pointlessly pompous this record from Ireland's 17th favourite band actually is. The sun is awesome in its unique power - that's it. One sun. One. By chucking in 99,000,000 other suns, the Londis U2 hope to harness that solar energy into their wailing excuses for anthemic whining.

Their last album sold 75 squillion copies even though it contained only one syng (this is an ancient but appropriate word meaning "not quite a song"), "Chasing Cars", which was the prequel to that plump lady's ballad "Chasing Pavements" and a sequel to "Cars" by Gary Numan (Greatest Song About Cars Called Cars Ever - a real shame that the Pixar/Disney film Cars didn't use it in the soundtrack as that would have introduced a new and very impressionable generation to the joys of the Numanoid).

The lead singer of the Costcutter Corrs shares one trait with the Numanoid: they are both called Gary. This is the only interesting fact anyone can find about Gary Lightbody, the vocal stylist of the Poundshop Pogues.

This record is bound to be played on football compilation DVDs, when a player misses a penalty or on the X-Factor when some ex-Butlins red coat losing out after barely whispering their way through a full aria from Tosca, or when some WKD drinking harlot loses her back-alley shag for the evening.

If A Hundred Million Suns was hair, it'd be a really tight perm with yellow tints that someone has set fire to.

If A Hundred Million Suns was an eye, it'd be one of those wobbly one that is actually looking at you but looks like it's looking at a point over your shoulder.

If A Hundred Million Suns was a leg, it'd be Heather Mills.

If A Hundred Million Suns was an arm, it'd be one of those post-industrial accident arms.

If A Hundred Million Suns was a nose, it'd be a clown's red squeaky Patch Adams nose.

If A Hundred Millions Suns was a pair of lips, they'd be chapped and cracked and full of sores.

If A Hundred Million Suns was a penis, it'd be yellowy and shrivelled like a peanut in the sun, the balls would be hairless - maybe just flying solo. One lonely oversided bollock with a sad little face.

If A Hundred Millions Suns was vagina - it would be Barbie's vag. Smooth and redundant.

All in all if you were going out with A Hundred Million Suns, you'd dump him/her swiftly.

UPDATE:

We have been reliably informed by a Mr or Miss (or Mrs) Poot Poot that a hundred millions suns minus one sun would, in fact, be 99,999,999 suns. We apologise for the incontinence.

(And for the record, we did NOT have sex with that woman. Sorry, wrong accusation.
We did not embezzle 1,0101% of the extra suns.)


Shatner scale: Quincy cameo
Must buy: No.