ALBUM REVIEW: "It's Not Me, It's You" by Lily Allen

UK release date:
9 February 2009

There are two types of Allen: Woody and the Allen family. If you are Woody, then you are immune from abuse, no matter how much crap you've produced in the last 20 years, even if you marry your former step-daughter.

If you are a member of the Allen family at large, you are not Woody and therefore you are a talent-vacuum. The children are Mockney artistes who burst forth from their way-too-famous-by-half-even-though-he-can’t-act-sing-write-perform-but-can-get-his-willy-out-for-his-art-and-drink-and-go-to-the-Groucho-Club dad Keith.

"But that's not fair!" you say. "Stop attacking Lily and review the album itself!"

Ok then: in an internet first, we are going to interview the new album about what it’s like being an actual Lily Allen album:

The No Show: You're called "It’s Not Me, It’s You" - why is your name so annoying?
"I guess she thought it was clever. You know, she just switched the words "You" and "Me" around. She thinks that’s brilliant but I have to f**king live with it. Chinese Democracy and Circus both keep laughing at me, the c*nts."

The No Show: What's Lily like in real life?
"What do you f**king think? Every time someone plays me, her flat, tinny little voice drones out talking about her boyfriend, or council estate or crack or going on the lash. She’s a bucketload of annoying on CD and in real life."

The No Show: Why did you choose to work with her?
"No choice, mate. The Allens [except Woody] are like the mafia. Once they want something they get it. I mean, her dad Keith Allen is like the Naked Godfather or something. All because he flashed his willy for Shallow Grave. And look at that albino spunkstain of a brother of hers – he gets to go out with Ray Winstone’s hot kid and replace Harry Potter in that horse-shagging thing where he gets his old boy out. And of course Lily gets the girls our every chance she gets. It's the Allen Family shortcut to fame: get their kit off and everyone'll talk about them. Got no talent? Hey, look at my penis! Aren't my nipples interesting! Suddenly the world is your oyster. Sad but true."

The No Show: What is the difference between you and Lily’s first album, Alright, Still?
"Well, not a lot. Of course, Alright, Still sadly committed suicide a few months back. I remember him saying that the shame of that 'Smile' aberration and the fact that a girl who went to Roedean was singing about doing crack and ting like she was some working class hero was too much. In fact, if anything, I’m even more ashamed because not only am I a difficult second album, I’m a shite second album."

The No Show: What’s your favourite track on the album?
"Are you 'aving a f**king laugh? I’d rather have one of Elton John’s spunky farts on me than some of these songs. I mean just look at the titles:

The Fear: "Of f**king what? Not being noticed all the time?"

It’s Not Fair: "Oh for the love of God."

Dismiss You (AKA "Fuck You" "Get With The Brogram" "GWB" or "Guess Who Batman"): "AKA, I can’t take this anymore".

The No Show: And finally, what of the future?
"There isn’t one. I’m a one off. I could’ve been someone. But once she got her hands on me I was doomed."

[album flops over and starts crying]

And so we leave It’s Not Me, It’s You to his fate, destined for the bargain bin at the local Morrisons petrol station (now FREE with fill-up!).

Shatner Scale: Quincy cameo.
Must hear: No. The Allen clan must be stopped. Before someone gets hurt.