ALBUM REVIEW: "It's Not Me, It's You" by Lily Allen

UK release date:
9 February 2009

There are two types of Allen: Woody and the Allen family. If you are Woody, then you are immune from abuse, no matter how much crap you've produced in the last 20 years, even if you marry your former step-daughter.

If you are a member of the Allen family at large, you are not Woody and therefore you are a talent-vacuum. The children are Mockney artistes who burst forth from their way-too-famous-by-half-even-though-he-can’t-act-sing-write-perform-but-can-get-his-willy-out-for-his-art-and-drink-and-go-to-the-Groucho-Club dad Keith.

"But that's not fair!" you say. "Stop attacking Lily and review the album itself!"

Ok then: in an internet first, we are going to interview the new album about what it’s like being an actual Lily Allen album:

The No Show: You're called "It’s Not Me, It’s You" - why is your name so annoying?
"I guess she thought it was clever. You know, she just switched the words "You" and "Me" around. She thinks that’s brilliant but I have to f**king live with it. Chinese Democracy and Circus both keep laughing at me, the c*nts."

The No Show: What's Lily like in real life?
"What do you f**king think? Every time someone plays me, her flat, tinny little voice drones out talking about her boyfriend, or council estate or crack or going on the lash. She’s a bucketload of annoying on CD and in real life."

The No Show: Why did you choose to work with her?
"No choice, mate. The Allens [except Woody] are like the mafia. Once they want something they get it. I mean, her dad Keith Allen is like the Naked Godfather or something. All because he flashed his willy for Shallow Grave. And look at that albino spunkstain of a brother of hers – he gets to go out with Ray Winstone’s hot kid and replace Harry Potter in that horse-shagging thing where he gets his old boy out. And of course Lily gets the girls our every chance she gets. It's the Allen Family shortcut to fame: get their kit off and everyone'll talk about them. Got no talent? Hey, look at my penis! Aren't my nipples interesting! Suddenly the world is your oyster. Sad but true."

The No Show: What is the difference between you and Lily’s first album, Alright, Still?
"Well, not a lot. Of course, Alright, Still sadly committed suicide a few months back. I remember him saying that the shame of that 'Smile' aberration and the fact that a girl who went to Roedean was singing about doing crack and ting like she was some working class hero was too much. In fact, if anything, I’m even more ashamed because not only am I a difficult second album, I’m a shite second album."

The No Show: What’s your favourite track on the album?
"Are you 'aving a f**king laugh? I’d rather have one of Elton John’s spunky farts on me than some of these songs. I mean just look at the titles:

The Fear: "Of f**king what? Not being noticed all the time?"

It’s Not Fair: "Oh for the love of God."

Dismiss You (AKA "Fuck You" "Get With The Brogram" "GWB" or "Guess Who Batman"): "AKA, I can’t take this anymore".

The No Show: And finally, what of the future?
"There isn’t one. I’m a one off. I could’ve been someone. But once she got her hands on me I was doomed."

[album flops over and starts crying]

And so we leave It’s Not Me, It’s You to his fate, destined for the bargain bin at the local Morrisons petrol station (now FREE with fill-up!).

Shatner Scale: Quincy cameo.
Must hear: No. The Allen clan must be stopped. Before someone gets hurt.

FILM REVIEW:Yes Man

UK Release date:
Way too soon
Starring:
Jim Carrey and Zooey Deschanel

Simple ideas are always the best. Where would the world be without a round thing that moves other things? Hot stuff that cooks raw stuff? Puppies? Loads of extras blades on razors? A Police Academy film based in Russia?

In Yes Man, Jim Carrey has come up with the simplest film premise of all time: he's a guy who can't stop telling the truth. Oh wait, sorry, that's a different film entirely. In Liar Liar, sorry Yes Man, he plays a guy who has to say yes to everything - not for any good reason except he's wacky that way. This is based on a book by a British guy who comes up with mildly amusing one-off ideas and turns them into books and stage shows which are subsequently turned into films (see also: Tony Hawks, Dave Gorman, Mark Dolan, Dom Joly but especially Dave Gorman). His name is Danny Wallace and he has confused a one-off pub conversation with a career in comedy. Amazingly, so has everyone else.

Obviously, if you've seen Liar, Liar, you've seen Yes Man. Guy at a loose end does something extreme and wacky like tell the truth or say yes all the time, discovers life is worth living, laughs/cries along the way, learns a lesson, Randy Newman song plays out over end credits.

But we at The No Show don't play like that, so decided it was time to confront Mr Carrey with some HARD TRUTHS in the form of 50 questions that he couldn't possibly answer yes to. That's FIFTY questions people. Believe it.

1. So Jim, is this film really any different from Liar, Liar?
2. Has your move into "serious" acting with "films" like The Number 23 and The Majestic been a success?
3. Will you ever ever make anything as good as Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind again?
4. Are you still relevant as a comedian?
5. Do you have more to offer as an actor than gurning, shouting and looking surprised?
6. Would you really rather play one-joke British handjobs like Danny Wallace than complex and interesting characters like Andy Kaufmann, Truman Burbank or Horton?
7. Should Ace Ventura be revived as a franchise?
8. In the next Batman film, do you think you'd be well-cast as the Riddler... again?
9. Are your adult movies better than your kids' movies?
10. Did you enjoy your brief relationship with Renee Zellweger?
11. Did your dong compare well with the rest of the male cast of In Living Colour?
12. Did you enjoy working with Ben Stiller on the Cable Guy?
13. Should the sequels to some of your most successful films (The Mask, Dumb and Dumber, Bruce Almighty) been allowed anywhere near a cinema?
14. Do you think you look good with long hair?
15. Was Fun with Dick and Jane any fun at all?
16. Is working with Joel Schumacher - twice - a rewarding cinematic experience?
17. Does The Number 23 make any sense?
18. Will there be a sequel to Me, Myself and Irene?
19. Jack Nicholson called you "The Jack Nicholson of your generation". Is he right?
20. You are from Canada. Do you intend to move back to Canada any time soon?
21. Do you think Canada wants you back?
    
22. Are you really worth $20 million?
23. Is the name Focker really that funny - because you wrote it?
24. Will Yes Man be an interesting piece of work that leaves an open-ended answer rather than have a pat learn a life lesson ending?
25. Was Renee Zellweger better in bed than Jenny McCarthy?
26. If you weren't famous, do you think attractive actresses and Renee Zellweger would have slept with you anyway?
27. You are soon to star in I love You Phillip Morris with Ewan McGregor. He's been in lot of good films, hasn't he?
28. Seriously, the new Star Wars films were great, weren't they?
29. In The Number 23, there's a character call Topsy Kretts, is that the best name for a character ever?
30. In Fun with Dick and Jane, you starred with Tea Leoni. Did you or any of the crew manage to find her personality?
31. In Lemony Snickett's A Series of Unfortunate Events, you starred with Meryl Streep. Do you think your performance, which clogged up most of the screen, was better than Meryl's relatively brief appearance?
32. Your co-star in Bruce Almighty was Jennifer Aniston. Have you seen any of her other movies?
33. Do you think you should have got an Oscar for The Majestic?
34. Your films just get funnier and funnier as your career goes on, don't they?
35. Did you enjoy the witty banter with Tommy "Laugh machine Lee" Jones on Batman Forever?
36. Next Christmas, we'll see you as Ebenezer Scrooge in A Christmas Carol. Do you really think anyone wants that?
37. Are you happy about continually losing out on big roles like Jack Sparrow and Willy Wonka to Johnny Depp?
38. Did you deserve the $25,000,000 for Bruce Almighty? And before you answer, remember: that's $12,500,000 per laugh and we saw those in the trailer.)
39. Are you proud of Earth Girls Are Easy?
    
40. Do you think your version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas has replaced the earlier animated version as a beloved annual Christmas classic?
41. Do you think you'll ever go back and finish high school?
42. Do you think you'll ever win an Oscar?
43. Isn't that Jamie Kennedy funny in Son of the Mask?
44. After taking on Danny Wallace's Yes Man, do you think you'd like to do a version of Dave Gorman's seminal one-joke TV series/book/website/tour/lecture I am Dave Gorman?
45. Is Dave Gorman funny?
46. Are you a better Canadian than Bill Shatner?
    
47. Is a Jim Carrey movie (that's any Jim Carrey movie) better than the movie Carrie?
48. You make a habit of playing damaged people or people who hide behind masks and voiceovers. Is that because you are such a good actor and so well-balanced?
49. Have you ever been to Dundee (where Danny Wallace was born)?
50. Terence Stamp is great. He was General Zod in Superman II and the voice of Jor-El in the new Superman TV show and he played the very cool transsexual in The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert and now he's starring in bloody Yes Man with you. Would this be a career highlight for him?

So. Wanna watch the trailer? Didn't think so...

FILM REVIEW: "Klaatu Banana Nikto!" (aka The Day Keanu Stood Still)

UK release date: 12 December
Starring: A well-dressed plank of wood Keanu Reeves

Instead of reviewing The Day the Earth Stood Still, which we all know will be an action- and CGI-packed remake of a much better film completely ruined by the thoroughly wooden acting skills of one Keanu Reeves (dude, go back to playing brain dead Bill & Ted types, MUCH funnier), we at The No Show have decided instead to feature the following recipe for Banana Muffins. Because, at the end of the day, which would you prefer: disappointment as Keanu fails yet again to convince anyone that he can do anything except stand still and look earnest while not doing much of anything at all on screen? Or a batch of delicious banana muffins, fresh out of the oven (yum yum)? I know which one I'd choose.

KLAATU BARADA NIKTO BANANA MUFFINS

Dry ingredients

280g self raising flour*
110g unrefined caster sugar
1 tsp bicarb soda
pinch of salt

Wet ingredients

3 ripe bananas
half tsp vanilla essence
90ml milk
90ml veg oil
1 egg

Topping
75g packed brown sugar
15g all-purpose flour
1 tbsp ground cinnamon (or according to taste)
15g butter (COLD)

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). Lightly grease 10 muffin cups, or line with muffin papers.

Mix all the dry ingredients together in a big bowl.

Put all other ingredients in a food processor and wizz until liquidised. If you don't have a processor mash bananas well with a fork and mix with other wet ingredients.

Pour wet mix into flour mix and fold in with a spoon until combined (don't overmix).

For the topping

In a small bowl, mix together brown sugar, 2 tablespoons flour and cinnamon. Cut in 1 tablespoon butter until mixture resembles coarse cornmeal. Sprinkle topping over muffins (before you bake).

Or, if you have a processor, put everything in and whizz until mix resembles breadcrumbs

Bake in preheated oven for 18 to 20 minutes, until a toothpick inserted into the centre of a muffin comes out clean.

*Mixture shouldn't be too runny - if need be, add extra flour.

Best. Klaatu Barada Nikto Banana Muffins. Ever.

And MUCH better than The Day The Earth Stood Still. Promise.

Patrick Swayze: Not Dead Yet

Despite earlier reports that Patrick Swayze was on his deathbed due to the cancer, The Swayze himself came out swinging this week, calling up People magazine from his deathbed very-much-alive bed to say that it was all "lies and false information". (Which are more or less the same thing, but we're not going to push it - the man isn't well after all.)

Now, we’re not man crushing on The Swayze or anything, but we're surely a man as mighty as he could never be taken down by something as crude as cancer? Gun shot? Sure. Hit by a car while in mid-flight firing two guns simultaneously at a band of terrorists? OK, maybe. Nudged hard by a fellow dancer while performing the always compelling but sometimes life threatening flying swan lake lift? Absolutely. But cancer? We refuse to accept it.

This is the man, after all, who would never let Baby be put in a corner.



This is the man who made sweet, sweet, sloppy slimy pottery love to Semi Moore, before she divorced Bruce Willis, shaved her head, worked out, became a man, changed her mind, bought some boobs and married a man-boy to prove once and for all that Bruce Willis wasn’t the one who ended things, dammit.



This is the man who turned a slimy motivational paedophile into a darned lovable character.



So, here’s to Patrick Swayze, with his dazzling smile and lovingly plastic good looks – keep that carefully sculpted chin up, my dancing fool friend. We’re thinking of you. And there’s a good chance that at least one of us would not say no to a bit of bum loving from the Swayze. If he asked. (So long as we could be on top and if he agreed to let us call him Patricia throughout. Plus he’d have to let his hair grow.)

And we ask that anyone out there who spots The Swayze, be it at a local pharmacy buying up all the vitamins in sight or wandering the streets in a daze, peddling his best Dick Van Dyke impression, give him a pat on the shoulder, ruffle his hair (careful you don’t cut yourself) or just a good old shake of the hand. And if (knock on wood) you should ever be struck by the cancer, you can say "If it’s good enough for The Swayze, dammit, it’s good enough for me.”

Patrick Swayze we salute you.

(Not to be mistaken for this man.)



Remember: no-one puts Swayze in a deathbed!

Heroes Exclusive: The Greg Grunberg Twitterview

For the foul-mouther pimply teens among you (and I know there are a few of you, mostly here for the rude words), Greg Grunberg is best known for playing that guy who gets killed in JJ Abrams' partially-seen monster spectacular, Cloverfield. Or that other guy who gets killed in the JJ Abrams remake of The Prisoner, better known as Lost.

For those of you born before 1994, he's best known as Eric Weiss, the always excellent foil to Jennifer Garner's various wigs in Alias (FYI, best thing JJ Abrams ever did - seriously).

For the even more ancient among you, he's Sean Blumberg in Felicity - sorry, can you all hear me over the sound of your walkers scraping against the linoleum floor in the Old Folks Home? Ok then. Yes, he was in Felicity, yet another JJ Abrams show but one I never saw because I'm a man and there were no guns, spies, partially seen monsters or zombies in it. (Oh who am I kidding, I couldn't watch it because the subtly touching human melodrama had me weeping so much that I couldn't focus on the screen long enough to last a full episode.)

But for the vast majority of you, Greg Grunberg is of course known for his role as the eye squinting, head tilting, mind reading, teleporting, turtle loving former cop and full-time Hero, Matt Parkman on the ultra super cool, entirely non-JJ Abrams -related cult hit show Heroes, now in its third nail biting and always wonderfully confusing third series.

With all of this in mind, it is with no small amount of pleasure and obsequiousness that we at The No Show can announce that we have secured, via the magical world of Twitter, an actual for real interview with an actual celebrity who is currently appearing in a TV show that we actually watch: Greg Grunberg.

And so, here, for your reading pleasure, is the full transcript of the magical exchange, word for word, just as it took place:

@greggrunberg Any time for a Twitterview? Q1: On a scale of 1-5*, how awesome is this season of Heroes? Q2: Will it get even more awesomer?

greggrunberg @thenoshow A1) I'd say this season is about a 4+ so far. A2) This season goes to 11.

@greggrunberg That's a lot of awesome. I may have trouble sleeping tonight. Thx.

And there you have it: Greg Grunberg - "Grunny" to his mates - is cranking the Heroes awesomeness to 11, people. Be prepared to have your tiny minds blown by his squinting eyed, head tilting madness in the coming months.

Coming Soon: @wilw and @greggrunberg - the Twitter Conversations

* 1 being William Shatner in original Star Trek, 5 being William Shatner in a Quincy cameo.