INTERVIEW: James Cameron, Emperor of Everything

An exclusive interview with James Cameron, Emperor of Everything on his latest James Cameron Epic Motion Picture™: AVATAR

Now that the James Cameron Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar has taken over as the Greatest James Cameron Epic Motion Picture™ Ever Made and James Cameron himself has been crowned Emperor of Everything, it's only fitting that The No Show track him down and ask him the hard hitting questions that everyone is too scared to ask for fear that he will crush them with his withering stares and his personal army of Terminators (they're totally real by the way).

_________________________

The No Show:
So James - may I call you James?

The Disembodied Voice of James Cameron, Emperor of Everything:
You may refer to me as James Cameron, Emperor of Everything.

The No Show:
I'm sorry...?

TDVoJC (EoE):
Please refer to me by my given name, James Cameron, Emperor of Everything.

The No Show:
That's going to eat into a lot of our interview time.

TDVoJC (EoE):
Don't worry your pretty little head about it. After all, I'm a Master of Time and Space.

The No Show:
Master of Time?

TDVoJC (EoE):
And Space, yes. All Canadians are, but they're too polite to really use the skill. Those that do become incredibly successful for almost no reason whatsoever, of course. Think about it: Jim Carrey, Mike Myers, Alanis Morissette - what have they done to deserve their success?

The No Show:
That does explain a lot.

TDVoJC (EoE):
Absolutely. Just look at my previous Epic Motion Picture™ Titanic - that flew by for millions of viewers around the world, right? And yet it clocked in at an epic 19 hours long. No-one even noticed because I squeezed it into a paltry three hours and 17 minutes.

The No Show:
It still felt pretty long.

TDVoJC (EoE):
So if we're running short on time, I'll bend time and space to make sure you get in all your questions. So long as I approve of the questions. Otherwise, I'll rewind time and refuse this interview. And then make sure you achieve none of your lifelong ambitions. I will also un-invent the internet if you bug me. Just to make sure.

In fact, if you do, say or suggest anything of which I do not approve, in addition to killing every pet you have ever owned, I will travel back to your early twenties and sleep with your first serious girlfriend, little... [loud electrical disturbance] Mary McGoogle. My she was a hottie wasn't she?

The No Show:
...

TDVoJC (EoE):
[loud electrical disturbance] Oh yes she was. I just went back and did her anyway. Twice. Just to show you I mean business. You should call her up and ask her. She probably wouldn't take your call though. Once you go Disembodied Master of Space and Time, you never go back, as they say. On the bright side, you'll find you have now never had crabs. You're welcome.

The No Show:
So, your film, Avatar, has been breaking records all over the place -

TDVoJC (EoE):
Do you mean my Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar?

The No Show:
Yes, the film -

TDVoJC (EoE):
- my Epic Motion Picture™ -

The No Show:
- Avatar has done major box office -

TDVoJC (EoE):
My Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar is has been are doing precisely the box office I am are making it do. Done. Sorry, tenses get a bit squiffy with time travel.

The No Show:
Did your plans include being knocked off the top spot in the US by Dear John, by all accounts a soppy romance with virtually no story and no big Hollywood names?

TDVJC (EoE):
Yes. This was exactly as I made it happen. My Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar beat the record box office run established by my previous Epic Motion Picture™ Titanic, and my next Epic Motion Picture™ will beat my current Epic Motion Picture™ and so on and so forth. It's a long-term strategy.

The No Show:
And you made this happen...?

TDVoJC (EoE):
Absolutely. I manipulated time and space, went back and forth, checked out the films that were due to be released around this time and chose Dear John, which was the least threatening.

Then, late at night while everybody was sleeping, I crept into their rooms and whispered, "You will go see Dear John this weekend. You will go see Dear John this weekend. This will not affect your unquestioning devotion to James Cameron's Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar." Lo and behold, my Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar drops to second place. And this way, no-one even noticed that my Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar had virtually no story.

As for the Epic box office performance of my Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar, well, what can I say? I've always done well with sequels.

The No Show:
Sequel?

TDVJC (EoE):
Well, technically my Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar is the fourteenth in a series.

The No Show:
But Avatar -

TDVJC (EoE):
- my Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar -

The No Show:
Whatever, it wasn't a sequel.

TDVJC (EoE):
Of course it was, the first one bombed, don't you remember? Then I did all those test screenings, made the Na'vi skinny and half-naked, gave the female ones pert little Shakira-like breasts and - oh no, of course you don't. Silly me, always forgetting these things. Interesting story: in fact, this is the fourteenth release of the film, you just don't remember them. I kept going back in time, simplifying the story, making it more familiar and comfortable for audiences and adding more partial nudity and explosions and special effects until BAM, I had a multi-million dollar hit on my hands. Simples.

The No Show:
Is that why the film -

TDVJC (EoE):
- Epic Motion Picture™ -

The No Show:
- has been described as a mix between Pocahontas, The Dark Crystal and the Smurfs, but for adults?

TDVJC (EoE):
[loud electrical disturbance]
... I'm sorry, what were you saying?

The No Show:
... Hm, that's funny, I don't remember.

TDVJC (EoE):
That's fine. You were asking how it feels to have created what many are calling the most Epic cinematic experience since my last Epic Motion Picture™ Titanic.

The No Show:
Was I? I don't recall...

TDVJC (EoE):
No problem. It feels great.

The No Show:
Um OK, thanks for taking the time to speak with us.

TDVJC (EoE):
My pleasure. And remember: my next Epic Motion Picture™, The Little Mermaid, comes out next year. And it will be in 4D, a technology I haven't even invented yet, but I'm confident I'll be able to borrow from somewhere in time and claim as my own with a few very minor tweaks.

The No Show:
The Little Mermaid? You mean like the Disney –

TDVJC (EoE):
[loud electrical disturbance]
... I'm sorry, what were you saying?

The No Show:
Um, sorry, I've lost my train of thought. In any case, we've run out of time, so I'll just say thanks to the Disembodied Voice of James Cameron, Emperor of Everything, and we look forward to what I'm sure will have been your next biggest Epic Motion Picture™ ever.

TDVJC (EoE):
Now you're getting it.

The No Show:
By the way, I loved Citizen Kane.

TDVJC (EoE):
Thanks. I was particularly proud of that one.

FILM REVIEW: 2012

UK release date: 13 November 2009
Starring: John Cusack and a bunch of other people we're going to assume are just paying the bills

It's a film. Called "2012". I totally haven't seen it. As usual. And since the posters don't have any amateur athletes getting blown away by some evil terrorist organisation that's totally trying to get rid of major global sporting events forever, I'm guessing this isn't some Olympics-based mega-action thriller.

That only leaves one option. Time travel. And that sucks.

Why? Because if you're going to spend all that time and money to build a freaking time machine, if you're going to give up any chance you might have had to hook up with that hot girl who lives next door that you've always secretly wanted to lick just to see what hotness tastes like, if you're going to absolutely guarantee that you will never get that big career break that you always wanted but that was being held up by an ancient co-worker who just refuses to die or retire, and you do all that to create a machine that could take you ANYWHERE or ANYWHEN, then why in the name of all that is horny would you go to 2012?

Dude, that's like TWO YEARS from now.


Why not go back 43 minutes? That's what I'd do. Just so I could avoid getting on to that lift and letting rip with that very evil and very ripe one I just couldn't hold in. (I swear it wasn't intentional. Honestly. Even I thought it was nasty and I kind of like my own stink so I can only imagine how horrifying it must have been for the seven other people stuck in there with me.)

Or maybe I'd go back to last night when I ordered that curry in the first place, so I could change my mind, maybe get something healthy instead of something that turned me into a freaking leaky toxic dump of olfactory death.

Or better yet, I'd jump forward by about 100 years, when I'm pretty sure that everyone that was with me on that lift would be good and dead and any trace of the smell from that lift would be long gone (or at least so faint that you'd only really smell it if you found the lift, buried your face deep into the fabric covering the floor and took a deep sniff).

But two years? That thing would still be lingering in the lobby of the building, looking for someone else to disgust.

Sure, Doc Brown only sent Einstein ahead in time by one minute, but that was just a test. Plus, it was a dog. And the dog didn't even realise what had happened. And then Marty McFly and Doc Brown were all like 'Hey, we need to go back in time and then forward in time and then back again' and generally all over the joint in those three films. Sometimes they were even in the same place and time as their earlier selves who didn't even know they were there. Which is, like, WHOA. And we don't even know how many times the dudes jumped when the cameras weren't rolling. Plus they rebuilt the stupid DeLorean as an awesome train. Now that is time travel.

Jesus, even Bill and Ted went all over the place. And picked up passengers. And their time machine was held together with freaking chewing gum. And they were idiots. I mean come ON.

And what about Bruce Willis? Dude wasn't even in charge of his time travel and he moved around way more, hell he even managed to get shot in one time, have his picture taken there and then have the bullet removed in another time and made damned sure his hot girlfriend totally saw the awesome photograph form World War I. Yes, yes, he totally screwed the whole "stop the plague" thing from happening because he got all caught up in a monkey thing, but who wouldn't, am I right? It was MONKEYS. And he was pretty shook up. From the time travel. Totally forgivable.

Anyway, not impressed, 2012 time travelling film-making dudes. Not impressed.

But at least we can all learn something: if you're thinking about jumping around in time, try jumping at least 30 years, so the clothes will have changed. Because I'm guessing Uggs are still going to be around in 2012. And I fucking hate Uggs.


Must-see? No. Just wait two years and you'll find out what happens anyway.
Shatner Scale: Off the charts. We're talking unauthorised Shatner biography here.

MUSIC REVIEW: Foot of the Mountain by A-Ha (Part 1)

UK Release Date: 13 July 2009

When news reached The No Show headquarters that A-Ha has a new album coming out (Foot of the Mountain), we were surprised. So surprised that we felt this surprise could only be captured via the always surprising medium of comic. So we whipped together a stunningly beautiful piece of comic art with which we hoped to surprise you in much the same way. Then we were surprised to find that Blogger sets size limitations on uploads. Not surprisingly, this makes reading our beautiful comic a bit of a challenge, as you can see:


"A-Ha!" we said. "We know how to get around this!"

And so we uploaded the bugger to Twitpic.com. Because Twitpic doesn't mess around with stupid size limitations.

Click here for the larger, more readable version. On our best friend, Twitpic.

Then, if you like, come back here. Or stay there. Whatever, we're not your mother.

Must hear? Not sure yet. Waiting to find out what Alan Partridge thinks. Stay tuned.
Shatner Scale: TJ Hooker. We kinda liked "Take On Me", but "Hunting High and Low" was annoying.

Editor's note: "Photos" used in the comic were "mashed-up" from the "internet" for the purposes of "satire" which we think means they qualify as "fair use" but if you "own" one of the images let us know if you think they have been used "inappropriately" or something, and we'll see what we can "do".

MEGA REVIEW: The Top Seven Movies The No Show Will Not Be Seeing This Summer

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FILM REVIEW: Moon

UK release date: 17 July 2009
Starring: Sam Rockwell and Kevin Spacey

Duncan Jones (aka Zowie Bowie, son of David Bowie). Sam Rockwell. Kevin Spacey (as the voice of the robot). The Moon. Put them all together and what have you got?

A recipe for one of the gayest romps ever to hit the big screen.

That's right ladies and gentlemen, they've only gone and done it: Moon will be the first film that finally - *finally* - explores the much-discussed-but-never-featured-in-a-mainstream-Hollywood-production love-that-dare-not-beep-its-name between a man and his robot.

It's been a long time coming [Ed's note: please refrain from bad sex-based puns]. After all, robots are totally gay. Just ask Bender. [Ed's note: Seriously. Stop it.]

Sure, we've all seen the erotic adventures of gay androids (gaydroids) in space (Star Wars). And we've certainly had same-sex couples in space (Han and Chewy, Han and Leia). And we've even had same-sex sentient animal-robot love (Chewy, C3PO). But this is the first time anyone has dared explore the nuts and bolts [Ed's note: final warning] of a hot and oily human-robot gay love affair in space.*

Oh sure, some have tried to tackle the subject in metaphor, but it's never been convincing or erotic enough. For example, the various Terminator models were obviously just mechanical stand-ins for big ol' leather-clad bulls looking for a good time on a 20th-century Saturday night. (Sometimes a cigar really isn't a cigar, is it Arnie? Sometimes, it's just a big stinky penis metaphor.)

And I'm pretty sure we all knew what HAL 9000 was after when he whispered, "Daisy, Daisy/Give me your answer do/I'm half crazy/all for the love of you" while slobbering over "a bicycle built for two", evoking images of daisy chains and hot, sweaty, throbbing red spots.

Until now, no-one has had the courage to turn the spotlight on the electromomechanosexual in us all.

Some would argue that society isn't ready for gay robot-man love. They would point to the fact that Adam Sandler's comedy pilot "Gay Robot" was never aired. They would be wrong. That show never aired because it was shit and based on a shit sketch from one of Sandler's shit albums. One horny gay robot trying to convince heterosexual human males to gay him. And I'm going to assume there was at least one joke involving a vacuum cleaner.

These naysayers are the same people who failed to see the love that blossomed between Dr Smith and The Robot in Lost in Space. The same people who ignored the undercurrents of rusty interracial love in Short Circuit.

Moon will set the record straight [Ed's note: I'll let that one go]. Based on the very little information we bothered to look up, apart from the title and the cast and the fact that it wasn't a biopic on Moon Unit Zappa, this film sees Moon-based miner Sam Rockwell probing for helium deep into the inner untouched parts of the Moon. [Ed's note: Seriously, enough.]

If that isn't sexy enough, he's alone and sweaty on the moon with a robot. A sexy, lonely robot voiced by Kevin Spacey who may not be gay but who is certainly prepared to stretch himself for his art. [Ed's note: Ok, that's bordering on unpleasant.]

Having not seen the film, we can only assume that the unspoken love between these two beings follows the tried and tested accepted

Hollywood Rules for Gay Love in Films, which are as follows:

1. Unspoken glances between same-sex persons are acceptable so long as one character looks uncomfortable with the situation.

2. Characters may brush up against each other by accident, but only crotch to butt - crotch to crotch brushes are not acceptable, even when one of the characters is metal. Lingering finger- to-metal digit contact will be tolerated. However, insertion of either digit into any part of the other being will cause the whole thing to be shut down.

3. Same-sex kisses must be quick, dry and inherently unsexy, usually followed by extreme hugging, hair tussling and, if pushing the boundaries, awkward and frankly ridiculous neck licking. In the case of gay man-gaydroid love, care must be taken as this may lead to electrocution and/or short circuiting. Under no circumstances will nipple/bolt licking be tolerated.

4. Gay sex encounters must be inherently seedy. Back alleyways [Ed's note: careful], cubicles in public toilets and tents on a mountainside are acceptable. Romantic settings with beds and sheets and candles and same sex couples are typically only seen when the same sex couple is female and there is usually another person watching and/or filming nearby. Probably in a closet with those slats they can peek through. And they usually join in eventually.

5. Gay sex encounters between men must border on violent - like really aggressive wrestling - and almost fully clothed. Unless you're Oliver Reed, in which case gay sex involves actual naked wrestling on a carpet in front of a large fire.

6. Spitting on the hand is now considered taboo because most non-gay persons didn't know what the hell it implied when Heath Ledger did it in Brokeback Mountain until it was too late. (See also Rule #3, re: electrocution)

Ultimately, this potentially groundbreaking epic will be let down not by its exploration of an unspoken moment between two sentient beings with similar genitalia, but by the sci-fi nerds in the audience who will giggle themselves to death while shouting "Danger Will Robinson" every time the Spacey gaydroid looks longingly at Sam Rockwell.

My only hope is that the ad campaign features Rockwell's builder's butt gracing billboards across the UK, revealing a tattoo that reads "All your butts are belong to us", enticing the audience in with the promise of the electromomechanical love that shall not beep its binary code. Maybe then this unnecessary taboo can be put to rest at long last.

It's not much, but it would be a start.

Must-see? Absolutely. This film must be given all the support it can, for the rights of gaydroids today and tomorrow.
Shatner Scale: TJ Hooker. Because he could have been a gaydroid.


*Battlestar Galactica doesn't count. There were no gay Cylons, just threesomes with two female Cylon models. Which is totally not gay.