FILM REVIEW: Iron Man 2

UK release date: 30 April 2010
Starring: Robert Downey Jr and a delightful plate of delicious dumplings.


In a film producer's office, many years ago...

Screenwriter: Thanks for seeing me, I'm really excited about pitching this idea for -

Producer: Have you had lunch?

Screenwriter: Sorry?

Producer: Lunch. Have you had it? Because I'm starving. I'm going to order in some lunch. You go ahead, I'm listening.

Screenwriter: Right, well, here's the idea: when I was young, I loved the classic comic, Iron -

Producer (buzzing intercom): Maggie? Can you order me something? (to Screenwriter) Go ahead, I'm all over it, classic moments in ironing...

Screenwriter: Um, as I was saying, I was always a fan of classic comics and as soon as I heard an Iron Man film was in production, I started thinking about the sequel, so -

Maggie (on intercom): What do you want?

Producer (into intercom): Not sure. I'm in the mood for dumplings. (to Screenwriter) Are you hungry? Go head, I'm totally with you, classic dumpling comics sequels.

Screenwriter: Yes. I mean no, thank you, I'm not hungry. As I was saying, I'm sure someone is going to make Iron Man 2 -

Maggie (on intercom): Did you say you wanted mantu?

Producer (into intercom): What the hell's mantu?

Maggie (on intercom): It's a dumpling dish. It's popular in Central Asia and Turkey.

Screenwriter: No, wait, I didn't mean -

Producer (into intercom): Sounds perfect, go for it. (to Screenwriter) You were saying: you think it's time for Iron Mantu.

Maggie (on intercom): One Iranian Mantu. coming up.

Screenwriter: But, no... I...

Producer: I think it's a great idea. It has drama, it has action, it has flavour and it's topical. Very meaty subject matter. Something for everyone. I'm thinking... Robert Downey Jr in the lead. He's perfect: healthy but doughy. When can you show me something?

Screenwriter: *blank stare* Tuesday?

Producer: Fantastic, it's going to be huge. One thing: can we make the mantu American?

Screenwriter: Um, sure.

Producer: Excellent. (into intercom) Maggie, get me Jimmy Cameron on the phone. (to Screenwriter) I've heard he's dabbling in 3D, sounds interesting. Not sure if we're ready for 3D dumplings, to be honest, but it'll be huge anyway. Is it just me or are you as starving as I am right now?





Must-see? 3D dumplings going after terrorists? Hell. Yes.
Shatner Scale: Full-on Kirk. No question.

REVIEW: Lady Gaga - the myth (or mythter)

So here's the thing: I don't know anything about Lady Gaga.

This isn't usually a problem. Normally, when I'm looking for something to review, it has to be something I've never seen or heard or read, intentionally or otherwise. It must be something I know very little about, so that nothing influences my opinion, like knowledge or enjoyment or nausea. It keeps things honest.

But the fact is that I really don't know anything about Lady Gaga. Not a thing. Nothing. Nada.

I couldn't pick Lady Gaga out of a line-up, assuming they went out and found a bunch of other people who look a bit like Lady Gaga. Then again, I'd struggle to find her if she were surrounded by a band of midget penguins and she was wearing a big sign that said "Hi! I'm Lady Gaga! Ask me how!"

So little, in fact, that I don't know where to start. But as my old writing teacher once said: "Write what you don't know". (Then again, he also smelled of poo and used mouthwash, but I still think he had a point.)

So here are the top ten things I do not know about Lady Gaga:

1. Her real name.
I'm pretty sure it's not Lady Gaga, though you never know these days. It's possible that her family - the Gagas - decided to call her "Lady" when she was born. Maybe she had delicate ladylike features as a baby. Or maybe they really liked Walt Disney and confused their newborn child with a Cocker Spaniel. If so, I feel sorry for her brother, Tramp Gaga. Both for the name and for those awkward moments when mom served up a heaping bowl of spaghetti and meatballs and told the kids to share.


2. Where she's from.
I mean originally. Not just her home town - I don't even know what country she's from. Or planet, for that matter. Even though I'm pretty sure she would pass unnoticed in Amsterdam, from what little I've read and seen about her, she could be from Pluto. Maybe she moved to Earth when Pluto was downgraded to dwarf planet, in search of whoever decided to downgrade it, so that she could smack them with what I assume would be a shiny Diamante Plutonian stiletto? Or maybe a telephone? I understand she has a thing for telephones.

3. What she looks like.
I've seen pictures captioned "Lady Gaga", but they never look like the same person. More like contestants in an International Transgender Robots of The Future contest.

I thought this was her receiving an award, but I might be wrong. I don't speak Swedish.




I do know she wears sunglasses a lot, presumably to protect her tiny Plutonian eyes from the endless flashbulbs. And I believe those sunglasses sometimes have telephones or televisions attached to them. I've seen this photo floating around, but it could be a still from a lace bukkake porn scene – and you can't even see her face so there's no way to be sure it is Lady Gaga.


4. Her gender.
I always assumed she was a she, but I've been fooled by the whole "Lady" thing before - never pleasant - so I've learned to be cautious. I've seen headlines saying things like "LADY GAGA'S GOT A PEE PEE" which I thought meant she had a weak bladder, but it could mean she has a penis, and I've also seen many men who look like her so maybe she is in fact a he.

For example, this could be her for all I know and I don't know whether this is a he or a she or the offspring of a he and a she and a horse - the jury is still out.



5. Her age.
She could be a very confused 16 year old boy. Or a youthful 90 year old woman. Possibly a middle aged superhero who recently retired and just can't give up the outfits. Who knows? It's very difficult to tell without more to go on. Like a birth certificate.

6. The name of any of her songs.
Seriously. Gun to my head, I couldn't name one. I don't even know if anything she's done has been in the charts, but that's less surprising since the charts are shite and I haven't looked at them for decades.

I've heard rumours that she has a song about a telephone but that's obviously a misunderstanding and they mean the 1978 classic "Hanging on the Telephone" by Blondie. So that's one myth busted.



7. The name of any of her albums.
For that matter, has she actually released a full album? I should add that to the list.

8. Whether or not she's ever actually released a full album of songs.
See above.

9. What her music sounds like.
In my mind, something about her name suggests that the music of Lady Gaga sounds like a dinosaur gargling a bunch of kittens. Others claim she could be the vocal reincarnation of Bonnie Tyler. The fact that Bonnie Tyler is not dead doesn't seem to matter.

The thing is, I may have in fact heard one of Lady Gaga's songs. Her music has probably already featured heavily in some massive ad campaign, so there's a chance, just a chance that my brain has been exposed to it at some point, even though every ad these days seems to feature "Dog Days Are Over" by Florence + the Machine. I don't watch TV much and skip ads whenever possible, but it's a powerful medium, hard to avoid.

But if I have heard a Lady Gaga song, I didn't realise and it made no impression on me. This doesn't mean that, in years to come, I won't be sitting in a retirement home, drooling down my shirt, when the young staff will pipe in some nostaligic music "from the noughties" to keep us sedate, and somewhere between Coldplay and Oasis, a Lady Gaga track will come on.

And in that brief moment, I may be lucid enough to ask: "What the fuck is this?" A nearby orderly may stop long enough to say, "That? That's Her Majesty Lady Gaga old man - where've you been?" At which point I will lunge for his throat and my blanket will become tangled in his hoverboard, dragging me to a horrible but long-overdue death.

Apparently, the following is an example of Lady Gaga music - and it's not the only one. But if her music actually provokes this kind of behaviour in young and defenceless children (even those wearing what can only be described as a totally awesome ensemble), then I'm really surprised something hasn't been done to stop her/him/it. Some kind of restraining order or something. Anything, really.



10. Why she's popular.
The thing is, most of the time, I understand the reasons behind empty fame. Paris Hilton (boring zombie-green sex tape followed by not caring about boring zombie-green sex tape), Lindsay Lohan (onset of sudden lesbianism), Jamie Oliver (fat tongue and subsequent potential for mockery of same), Prince Harry (red-headed royal most likely to be involved in a bizarre self-immolation incident) - I get it, some people with no demonstrable skills are famous for being famous. But popularity usually requires a combination at least two of the following:

• Charm
• Talent
• Sex appeal

From what little I know, Lady Gaga struggles to tick even one of these boxes. No charming personality. No talent to leave a lasting impression. And so sexless that three pieces of duct tape and a bit of lace suffice for a modest wardrobe. Why the popularity?

The answer is clear as the flimsy gauze barely covering Lady Gaga's cha-cha: she's popular because she's not real. She's a fiction, a product of mass hallucination on the part of a world desperate for good news and uncomplicated entertainment. She is an empty vessel. She is a half-baked fashion magazine come to life.

What does all of this mean for my No Show review of Lady Gaga? Simple: Lady Gaga does not exist. And because she does not exist, there is nothing for me to review. QED.

My work here is done.

PS: Based on The Usual Suspects ("The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing he world he didn't exist") and following on from the above, there is another possibility: Lady Gaga is the Devil. QED. Or possibly Bonnie Tyler. Either way, hide your children.

INTERVIEW: James Cameron, Emperor of Everything

An exclusive interview with James Cameron, Emperor of Everything on his latest James Cameron Epic Motion Picture™: AVATAR

Now that the James Cameron Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar has taken over as the Greatest James Cameron Epic Motion Picture™ Ever Made and James Cameron himself has been crowned Emperor of Everything, it's only fitting that The No Show track him down and ask him the hard hitting questions that everyone is too scared to ask for fear that he will crush them with his withering stares and his personal army of Terminators (they're totally real by the way).

_________________________

The No Show:
So James - may I call you James?

The Disembodied Voice of James Cameron, Emperor of Everything:
You may refer to me as James Cameron, Emperor of Everything.

The No Show:
I'm sorry...?

TDVoJC (EoE):
Please refer to me by my given name, James Cameron, Emperor of Everything.

The No Show:
That's going to eat into a lot of our interview time.

TDVoJC (EoE):
Don't worry your pretty little head about it. After all, I'm a Master of Time and Space.

The No Show:
Master of Time?

TDVoJC (EoE):
And Space, yes. All Canadians are, but they're too polite to really use the skill. Those that do become incredibly successful for almost no reason whatsoever, of course. Think about it: Jim Carrey, Mike Myers, Alanis Morissette - what have they done to deserve their success?

The No Show:
That does explain a lot.

TDVoJC (EoE):
Absolutely. Just look at my previous Epic Motion Picture™ Titanic - that flew by for millions of viewers around the world, right? And yet it clocked in at an epic 19 hours long. No-one even noticed because I squeezed it into a paltry three hours and 17 minutes.

The No Show:
It still felt pretty long.

TDVoJC (EoE):
So if we're running short on time, I'll bend time and space to make sure you get in all your questions. So long as I approve of the questions. Otherwise, I'll rewind time and refuse this interview. And then make sure you achieve none of your lifelong ambitions. I will also un-invent the internet if you bug me. Just to make sure.

In fact, if you do, say or suggest anything of which I do not approve, in addition to killing every pet you have ever owned, I will travel back to your early twenties and sleep with your first serious girlfriend, little... [loud electrical disturbance] Mary McGoogle. My she was a hottie wasn't she?

The No Show:
...

TDVoJC (EoE):
[loud electrical disturbance] Oh yes she was. I just went back and did her anyway. Twice. Just to show you I mean business. You should call her up and ask her. She probably wouldn't take your call though. Once you go Disembodied Master of Space and Time, you never go back, as they say. On the bright side, you'll find you have now never had crabs. You're welcome.

The No Show:
So, your film, Avatar, has been breaking records all over the place -

TDVoJC (EoE):
Do you mean my Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar?

The No Show:
Yes, the film -

TDVoJC (EoE):
- my Epic Motion Picture™ -

The No Show:
- Avatar has done major box office -

TDVoJC (EoE):
My Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar is has been are doing precisely the box office I am are making it do. Done. Sorry, tenses get a bit squiffy with time travel.

The No Show:
Did your plans include being knocked off the top spot in the US by Dear John, by all accounts a soppy romance with virtually no story and no big Hollywood names?

TDVJC (EoE):
Yes. This was exactly as I made it happen. My Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar beat the record box office run established by my previous Epic Motion Picture™ Titanic, and my next Epic Motion Picture™ will beat my current Epic Motion Picture™ and so on and so forth. It's a long-term strategy.

The No Show:
And you made this happen...?

TDVoJC (EoE):
Absolutely. I manipulated time and space, went back and forth, checked out the films that were due to be released around this time and chose Dear John, which was the least threatening.

Then, late at night while everybody was sleeping, I crept into their rooms and whispered, "You will go see Dear John this weekend. You will go see Dear John this weekend. This will not affect your unquestioning devotion to James Cameron's Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar." Lo and behold, my Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar drops to second place. And this way, no-one even noticed that my Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar had virtually no story.

As for the Epic box office performance of my Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar, well, what can I say? I've always done well with sequels.

The No Show:
Sequel?

TDVJC (EoE):
Well, technically my Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar is the fourteenth in a series.

The No Show:
But Avatar -

TDVJC (EoE):
- my Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar -

The No Show:
Whatever, it wasn't a sequel.

TDVJC (EoE):
Of course it was, the first one bombed, don't you remember? Then I did all those test screenings, made the Na'vi skinny and half-naked, gave the female ones pert little Shakira-like breasts and - oh no, of course you don't. Silly me, always forgetting these things. Interesting story: in fact, this is the fourteenth release of the film, you just don't remember them. I kept going back in time, simplifying the story, making it more familiar and comfortable for audiences and adding more partial nudity and explosions and special effects until BAM, I had a multi-million dollar hit on my hands. Simples.

The No Show:
Is that why the film -

TDVJC (EoE):
- Epic Motion Picture™ -

The No Show:
- has been described as a mix between Pocahontas, The Dark Crystal and the Smurfs, but for adults?

TDVJC (EoE):
[loud electrical disturbance]
... I'm sorry, what were you saying?

The No Show:
... Hm, that's funny, I don't remember.

TDVJC (EoE):
That's fine. You were asking how it feels to have created what many are calling the most Epic cinematic experience since my last Epic Motion Picture™ Titanic.

The No Show:
Was I? I don't recall...

TDVJC (EoE):
No problem. It feels great.

The No Show:
Um OK, thanks for taking the time to speak with us.

TDVJC (EoE):
My pleasure. And remember: my next Epic Motion Picture™, The Little Mermaid, comes out next year. And it will be in 4D, a technology I haven't even invented yet, but I'm confident I'll be able to borrow from somewhere in time and claim as my own with a few very minor tweaks.

The No Show:
The Little Mermaid? You mean like the Disney –

TDVJC (EoE):
[loud electrical disturbance]
... I'm sorry, what were you saying?

The No Show:
Um, sorry, I've lost my train of thought. In any case, we've run out of time, so I'll just say thanks to the Disembodied Voice of James Cameron, Emperor of Everything, and we look forward to what I'm sure will have been your next biggest Epic Motion Picture™ ever.

TDVJC (EoE):
Now you're getting it.

The No Show:
By the way, I loved Citizen Kane.

TDVJC (EoE):
Thanks. I was particularly proud of that one.

FILM REVIEW: 2012

UK release date: 13 November 2009
Starring: John Cusack and a bunch of other people we're going to assume are just paying the bills

It's a film. Called "2012". I totally haven't seen it. As usual. And since the posters don't have any amateur athletes getting blown away by some evil terrorist organisation that's totally trying to get rid of major global sporting events forever, I'm guessing this isn't some Olympics-based mega-action thriller.

That only leaves one option. Time travel. And that sucks.

Why? Because if you're going to spend all that time and money to build a freaking time machine, if you're going to give up any chance you might have had to hook up with that hot girl who lives next door that you've always secretly wanted to lick just to see what hotness tastes like, if you're going to absolutely guarantee that you will never get that big career break that you always wanted but that was being held up by an ancient co-worker who just refuses to die or retire, and you do all that to create a machine that could take you ANYWHERE or ANYWHEN, then why in the name of all that is horny would you go to 2012?

Dude, that's like TWO YEARS from now.


Why not go back 43 minutes? That's what I'd do. Just so I could avoid getting on to that lift and letting rip with that very evil and very ripe one I just couldn't hold in. (I swear it wasn't intentional. Honestly. Even I thought it was nasty and I kind of like my own stink so I can only imagine how horrifying it must have been for the seven other people stuck in there with me.)

Or maybe I'd go back to last night when I ordered that curry in the first place, so I could change my mind, maybe get something healthy instead of something that turned me into a freaking leaky toxic dump of olfactory death.

Or better yet, I'd jump forward by about 100 years, when I'm pretty sure that everyone that was with me on that lift would be good and dead and any trace of the smell from that lift would be long gone (or at least so faint that you'd only really smell it if you found the lift, buried your face deep into the fabric covering the floor and took a deep sniff).

But two years? That thing would still be lingering in the lobby of the building, looking for someone else to disgust.

Sure, Doc Brown only sent Einstein ahead in time by one minute, but that was just a test. Plus, it was a dog. And the dog didn't even realise what had happened. And then Marty McFly and Doc Brown were all like 'Hey, we need to go back in time and then forward in time and then back again' and generally all over the joint in those three films. Sometimes they were even in the same place and time as their earlier selves who didn't even know they were there. Which is, like, WHOA. And we don't even know how many times the dudes jumped when the cameras weren't rolling. Plus they rebuilt the stupid DeLorean as an awesome train. Now that is time travel.

Jesus, even Bill and Ted went all over the place. And picked up passengers. And their time machine was held together with freaking chewing gum. And they were idiots. I mean come ON.

And what about Bruce Willis? Dude wasn't even in charge of his time travel and he moved around way more, hell he even managed to get shot in one time, have his picture taken there and then have the bullet removed in another time and made damned sure his hot girlfriend totally saw the awesome photograph form World War I. Yes, yes, he totally screwed the whole "stop the plague" thing from happening because he got all caught up in a monkey thing, but who wouldn't, am I right? It was MONKEYS. And he was pretty shook up. From the time travel. Totally forgivable.

Anyway, not impressed, 2012 time travelling film-making dudes. Not impressed.

But at least we can all learn something: if you're thinking about jumping around in time, try jumping at least 30 years, so the clothes will have changed. Because I'm guessing Uggs are still going to be around in 2012. And I fucking hate Uggs.


Must-see? No. Just wait two years and you'll find out what happens anyway.
Shatner Scale: Off the charts. We're talking unauthorised Shatner biography here.

MUSIC REVIEW: Foot of the Mountain by A-Ha (Part 1)

UK Release Date: 13 July 2009

When news reached The No Show headquarters that A-Ha has a new album coming out (Foot of the Mountain), we were surprised. So surprised that we felt this surprise could only be captured via the always surprising medium of comic. So we whipped together a stunningly beautiful piece of comic art with which we hoped to surprise you in much the same way. Then we were surprised to find that Blogger sets size limitations on uploads. Not surprisingly, this makes reading our beautiful comic a bit of a challenge, as you can see:


"A-Ha!" we said. "We know how to get around this!"

And so we uploaded the bugger to Twitpic.com. Because Twitpic doesn't mess around with stupid size limitations.

Click here for the larger, more readable version. On our best friend, Twitpic.

Then, if you like, come back here. Or stay there. Whatever, we're not your mother.

Must hear? Not sure yet. Waiting to find out what Alan Partridge thinks. Stay tuned.
Shatner Scale: TJ Hooker. We kinda liked "Take On Me", but "Hunting High and Low" was annoying.

Editor's note: "Photos" used in the comic were "mashed-up" from the "internet" for the purposes of "satire" which we think means they qualify as "fair use" but if you "own" one of the images let us know if you think they have been used "inappropriately" or something, and we'll see what we can "do".