Monday, 26 April 2010


UK release date: 30 April 2010
Starring: Robert Downey Jr and a delightful plate of delicious dumplings.

In a film producer's office, many years ago...

Screenwriter: Thanks for seeing me, I'm really excited about pitching this idea for -

Producer: Have you had lunch?

Screenwriter: Sorry?

Producer: Lunch. Have you had it? Because I'm starving. I'm going to order in some lunch. You go ahead, I'm listening.

Screenwriter: Right, well, here's the idea: when I was young, I loved the classic comic, Iron -

Producer (buzzing intercom): Maggie? Can you order me something? (to Screenwriter) Go ahead, I'm all over it, classic moments in ironing...

Screenwriter: Um, as I was saying, I was always a fan of classic comics and as soon as I heard an Iron Man film was in production, I started thinking about the sequel, so -

Maggie (on intercom): What do you want?

Producer (into intercom): Not sure. I'm in the mood for dumplings. (to Screenwriter) Are you hungry? Go head, I'm totally with you, classic dumpling comics sequels.

Screenwriter: Yes. I mean no, thank you, I'm not hungry. As I was saying, I'm sure someone is going to make Iron Man 2 -

Maggie (on intercom): Did you say you wanted mantu?

Producer (into intercom): What the hell's mantu?

Maggie (on intercom): It's a dumpling dish. It's popular in Central Asia and Turkey.

Screenwriter: No, wait, I didn't mean -

Producer (into intercom): Sounds perfect, go for it. (to Screenwriter) You were saying: you think it's time for Iron Mantu.

Maggie (on intercom): One Iranian Mantu. coming up.

Screenwriter: But, no... I...

Producer: I think it's a great idea. It has drama, it has action, it has flavour and it's topical. Very meaty subject matter. Something for everyone. I'm thinking... Robert Downey Jr in the lead. He's perfect: healthy but doughy. When can you show me something?

Screenwriter: *blank stare* Tuesday?

Producer: Fantastic, it's going to be huge. One thing: can we make the mantu American?

Screenwriter: Um, sure.

Producer: Excellent. (into intercom) Maggie, get me Jimmy Cameron on the phone. (to Screenwriter) I've heard he's dabbling in 3D, sounds interesting. Not sure if we're ready for 3D dumplings, to be honest, but it'll be huge anyway. Is it just me or are you as starving as I am right now?

Must-see? 3D dumplings going after terrorists? Hell. Yes.
Shatner Scale:
Full-on Kirk. No question.

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