Friday, 1 May 2009

BOOK REVIEW: SHATNERQUAKE

Title: Shatnerquake
Author: God (using the pseudonym Jeff Burk)

UK release date: Who cares? Buy it as soon as you KHAAAAAN! (See what I did there?)




Hey, what's that sound? That's you cracking the spine on the greatest work of literature ever. And that smell? That is the fresh scent of authorly genius. And that taste? That's you licking the pages in ecstasy as you realise reading (and I use the term loosely, as this is a book you don't just read) can actually be a truly sexual act.

But what is Shatnerquake exactly? No idea. This is The No Show, so we haven't read it. But how can so many Shatners be wrong? Quite simply: they can't.

You have to read Shatnerquake. You need to read Shatnerquake. You will Shatnerquake.

1. Why is Shatnerquake (makes my hands tremble and my genitals swell just to write the word) better than Moby Dick?
More Shatner. Less Whale.

2. Why is Shatnerquake (sorry, I came a little there - pure orgasm, not ejaculate, mind) better than A Tale of Two Cities?
Fewer Cities. More Shatners.

3. Why Shatnerquake (all done now - wait, not quite.... there we go) better than the Bible?
No metaphors, no parables, just 12 Shatners fighting one Shatner. The Bible features not one single Shatner (though many in the Catholic Church still believe the Gospel according to St. Bill was removed by a vengeful priest who couldn't match Shatner's oracular brilliance and staggering thick chested magnificience).

4. Why is Shatnerquake better than One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest?
No mentals. Twelve Shatners. Nuff said.

5. Why is Shatnerquake better than you?
Unless you feature 12 Shatners in your everyday life, then Shatnerquake truly eviscerates you.

If the world ends tomorrow (and it might, depending on when you are reading this - remember the internet lasts forever), anyone who has read Shatnerquake could die smiling, with extra wood (if male) or a lovely wide-on (if lady). It's that good.

As the dust jacket says:

William Shatner?
William Shatner.
William Shatner!


Abso-Shatner-lutely.

Shatner Scale: A Godzilla-sized Kirk
Must read:
For the love of God, man, Yes.

1 comment:

BritSwedeGuy said...

And you have to imagine The Shatner himself saying this:

I.
Want.
THIS.
So.
VERY.
Bad.