Monday, 19 January 2009

Oscar Guess List Part III: And the winner could possibly may be...

UK release date: 23 January 2009
Starring: Sean Penn
Director: Gus Van Sant

While the nominees haven't even been announced yet winners won't be known until 22 February 2009, we at The No Show are confident enough to pronounce one not-yet-nominated now officially nominated film as the winner on the Best Film award. Because we're just that confident.

Among the Front-Running Outsiders for an Oscar at this year's Academy Awards and Executive Valet Car Wash®, this is the one that will out-front-run the rest: Milk.

The reasons are simple:

1. According to every right wing conservative talk show host, Hollywood is run by the Pink Mafia. Milk, by definition, should be super gay friendly. Which means the Pink Mafia will vote for it, even if Anthony Hegarty thinks it's "like blackface to me … it’s a continuing Hollywood minstrel show, co-opting queer stories and perversely building up the careers of these heterosexual bastards with the plumage of effeminacies, that they can wear this plumage of effeminacies without having to really be accountable”. And despite MsMarmiteLover's view of Sean Penn as a "thin lipped miseryguts" (see comments on previous post).

2. Milk has a large cast [Ed's note: tee hee] with lots of roles for gay actors to play gay characters and wear clothes they might actually have worn in the 1970s instead of dressing up like ridiculous caricatures or Agent Smith out of The Matrix. [Ed's note: What? He's NOT gay? Really, are you sure?] The fact that the majority of the actors cast are probably not gay is neither here nor there: it's the thought that counts.

3. Milk will split the vote: The small percentage of the voting Academy that is not part of the Pink Mafia will be tripping over themselves to vote for either Kate Winslet's film or Kate Winslet's other film "Slumdog and its main rival, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button", splitting the vote and leaving Milk to pick up the majority. [Ed's note: There's only one Winslet film in the running, but the theory remains strong - that quotes from and they know how these things are rigged play out]

4. Milk got nothing at the Golden Globes: a sure sign of imminent victory.

5. Most important: Sean Penn is a straight playing a gay. And as everyone in Hollywood knows, if a straight plays a gay then he's truly stretching himself (and possibly his anus - depends on how Method he is as an actor) [Ed's note: Yeah, not sure about that one... yep, checked with Legal, it has to go]. This automatically makes the film more of an Acting Event and not just uber-camp panto. Which it would have been had it starred Robin Williams, but what were the chances of that happening since the lead character is neither ridiculously earnest nor psychotic? [Ed's note: I really wish Williams would go back to the good old fashioned coke-fuelled days of crazy.] On the other hand, if Penn was a straight pretending to be a gay in the sad sad way that Adam Sandler played it in Larry and Harry Pretend to be Homosexuals for Comedic and Legal Reasons, the film wouldn't even qualify for consideration.

There is only one small flaw in this argument, Bald Oscar Statue Man. We at The No Show can exclusively reveal that Sean Penn might be gay himself, which puts his performance right out of the running and may kill the film's chances as well.

Here are the two tell-tale signs:

1. Sean Penn was married to Madonna.
2. Sean Penn is a liberal.

Both point conclusively to his samesexlovingness. Denied AGAIN Penn! FAIL.

Of course, many many people are under the impression that Milk tells the tale [Ed's note: tee hee hee] of Harvey Milk, who was San Francisco's first openly gay mayor - a bit like London's Boris Johnson (who can not be gay, simply because no self-respecting gay man would let himself look anything like that) - and who was also shot.

The fact is, Milk is all about Sean Penn trying desperately to earn the Oscar that was so cruelly denied to one when he brilliantly assayed the role of the retard [Ed's note: no wait that was right] retard in I Am Sam by sticking his tongue under his lower lip and saying "uurrrrgh" occasionally. It really doesn't matter whether or not it's a great film or Sean Penn's great or Gus Van Sant is great, Milk was originally meant to star Harvey Feirstein and Penn has spent his whole career screaming "Love me! Love me! I want an Oscar" then pretending he's all anti-establishment and edgy and tough. And even though this makes Penn look and sound like a cock knocking hypocrite, we have to respect the sheer chutzpah.

Even though we haven't seen Milk, we imagine this role has Penn acting right down to the ends of the follicles in every single be-gelled and bouffanted piece of his hair, a true Hair Acting performance that goes far beyond Jeff Spicoli in Fast Times or David Kleinfeld in Carlito's Way. And we think that'll be enough to push it over the edge. From behind. [Ed's note: Ok that's just about enough of that]

So go on, support Penn. Get Milk.

[Ed's note: Milk is directed by Gus Van Sant, who played bass in Skynard before the plane crash and guitar in the E-street Band after. His directorial career has mostly involved gay people or shooting - or, in the case of Good Will Hunting, both. Everyone thinks that film was made exclusively by Damon and Affleck - that they wrote it, starred in it, produced it, did all the crew stuff and made the merchandise but no, it was Van Sant. Sadly he was forced to remove the scene where Robin Williams screams into Matt Damon's face, 'How d'ya like them apples... on your chin?' in a funny Ethel Merman voice and the scene where Affleck shoots Damon screaming "Not so clever now, are you?" Both are on the Director's Cut DVD. Ok, on OUR copy.]

Shatner Scale: Kirk
Worth Seeing: Why the hell not? Might as well have something to talk about the day after the Academy Awards and Universal Ball-Bearing Exhibition®.

Footnote: If Milk does not appear on the list of nominees for Best Film when they're announced on Thursday (22 January), we will deny all knowledge of this post ever happening.

1 comment:

MsMarmitelover said...

They will be announced on my birthday!
I slightly adjust my predictions: Ron Howard: best director.
Best film: Slumdog.
Not seen Milk so, unusually for your site, I will not comment on a film I have not seen but think Anthony Hegarty is spot on. I mean it's not as if there is a lack of gay actors to play gay parts. I'm sure Tom Cruise was available.
(Get your lawyers to check that last bit).