FILM REVIEW: Saw 5

UK Film Release: 24 October
Starring: Tobin Bell (who is wasted, absolutely wasted by directors in every role he takes on - the man is a genius people) Scott Patterson (who was in The Gilmore Girls and frankly, could have done better than this).

Five Saws. Count them. That's only two less than the greatest film franchise in history, Police Academy.

In a NoShow exclusive, we can reveal that when Saw catches up with Police Academy and Saw 7: Mission to Moscow is finally released, only then will the true mystery behind the muderous Jigsaw be revealed. The makers tell us there'll be a crossover film in which the insane yet inventive killer will teach Hightower, Mahoney, Lassard, Hooks and Dr Monseignor Larvelle Jones (the guy who does the annoying noises but who no one will admit is the funniest person in the world) that their lives have been worthless by putting them through sadistic, gore-filled ordeals that will result in major organs being lost.

The tagline for Saw V is "You Won't Believe How It Ends". Well, let me hazard a guess... is it a twist? Like Planet of the Apes being Earth, or Soylent Green being people or Hightower getting Lassard strung out on smack, murdering Mahoney and framing Hooks in Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol: The Unseen edition. SPOILER ALERT!! Damn, too late again. Forgive me. Oh yeah, Maggie Gyllenhall's character in The Dark Knight dies... SPOILER ALERT... DAMN DAMN.

The director, writer, key grip and craft services for Saw V should hang their heads in shame. Not because this is obviously a franchise way past its sell-by date (the main character is DEAD, for the love of god... SPOILER ALERT...), nor because it's a reprehensible slab of pointless gore attempting to say something about the human condition and the nature of revenge, nor because the lead actor is Costas Mandylor, a man who last worked as Samo Hung's sidekick in Martial Law - that's Samo Hung who is a brilliant if tubby martial artist but has no ability to speak the English language, nor even because the inventive death scenes are becoming less and less inventive (there has not been one anally fatal scene yet).

No, quite simply, shame falls on this tawdry series because there has been no Guttenberg. Ban this filth... until they get The Guttenberg.

Shatner scale: Quincy cameo
Must see: No (until they get Guttenberg... then yes)

Film Review: Eagle Eye

Release date: October 17 2008
Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Michelle Monaghan, Rosario Dawson

Not the life story of Neneh Cherry's one-hit wonder brother nor a nature documentary about monovisual avian marauders (my new band's name), Eagle Eye is another in a long series of pretty-people-run-away-from-exploding-things-while-big-metal-things-buzz-overhead-and-character-actors-slum-it-while-talking-menacingly-into-product-placements-and-bald-vegan-techno-geeks-provide-the-soundtrack.

Replacing Matt Damon (cue Team America voice now) who would normally star in these things, is Shia LeBeouf. Roughly translated, his name means "Shy of the Beef" - which apparently, he isn't, being a fan of cows and bodybuilders who translate him roughly.

Accompanied by a pretty girl (played by a pretty girl) The Beef runs, ducks, jumps and shouts things like "What do you want from me?" and "What the hell is going on?" at regular intervals until he finds out the answers to those questions. Once he finds out the answers to those questions, the film ends. Billy Bob Thornton also appears as a tough Southern-inflected CIA/FBI/NAMBLA member who wants Shy of the Beef's "ass on a plate". Hence the NAMBLA membership.

Directed with all the verve of the Verve and the panache of Panache (a cheap seventies perfume that smelt like a MILF's undercarriage mixed with Toilet Duck) by DJ Caruso (possible relation of David Caruso, the scowling ginger pug star of Jade whose glowering presence in CSI-Daytona and NYPD Blue Hawaii make most normal people turn off their TVs and put their heads in hot, hot ovens), Eagle Eye is a film for people whose eyes need to move quickly and who want to see Shy of the Beef use a phone or ask open-ended questions.

Shatner rating: Miss Congeniality
Must See? Maybe