FILM REVIEW: Saw 5

UK Film Release: 24 October
Starring: Tobin Bell (who is wasted, absolutely wasted by directors in every role he takes on - the man is a genius people) Scott Patterson (who was in The Gilmore Girls and frankly, could have done better than this).

Five Saws. Count them. That's only two less than the greatest film franchise in history, Police Academy.

In a NoShow exclusive, we can reveal that when Saw catches up with Police Academy and Saw 7: Mission to Moscow is finally released, only then will the true mystery behind the muderous Jigsaw be revealed. The makers tell us there'll be a crossover film in which the insane yet inventive killer will teach Hightower, Mahoney, Lassard, Hooks and Dr Monseignor Larvelle Jones (the guy who does the annoying noises but who no one will admit is the funniest person in the world) that their lives have been worthless by putting them through sadistic, gore-filled ordeals that will result in major organs being lost.

The tagline for Saw V is "You Won't Believe How It Ends". Well, let me hazard a guess... is it a twist? Like Planet of the Apes being Earth, or Soylent Green being people or Hightower getting Lassard strung out on smack, murdering Mahoney and framing Hooks in Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol: The Unseen edition. SPOILER ALERT!! Damn, too late again. Forgive me. Oh yeah, Maggie Gyllenhall's character in The Dark Knight dies... SPOILER ALERT... DAMN DAMN.

The director, writer, key grip and craft services for Saw V should hang their heads in shame. Not because this is obviously a franchise way past its sell-by date (the main character is DEAD, for the love of god... SPOILER ALERT...), nor because it's a reprehensible slab of pointless gore attempting to say something about the human condition and the nature of revenge, nor because the lead actor is Costas Mandylor, a man who last worked as Samo Hung's sidekick in Martial Law - that's Samo Hung who is a brilliant if tubby martial artist but has no ability to speak the English language, nor even because the inventive death scenes are becoming less and less inventive (there has not been one anally fatal scene yet).

No, quite simply, shame falls on this tawdry series because there has been no Guttenberg. Ban this filth... until they get The Guttenberg.

Shatner scale: Quincy cameo
Must see: No (until they get Guttenberg... then yes)

FILM REVIEW: Quantum of Solace

UK Release: 31 October
Starring: Some Scouse actor with freshly six-packed abs and tighty whities, some forgettable model who will spend the rest of her career with "Bong Girl" preceding her name and Dame Judy "Dame Judy" Dench.

"Quantum", as you'll remember from your GCSE Latin, is Spanish for "Little Mexican" while "Solace" is that feeling you get just before surfing for online porn and just after deleting your online history around seven minutes later, a kind of empty excitement, much like every single Bond film ever made. It also rhymes with "soul-ass".

So it's safe to assume that Quantum of Solace follows the heartfelt story of a sad masturbating Mexican as he tries to take over the world, only to be defeated by James Bond played by yet another mediocre actor in a film franchise with just slightly more credibility that the Police Academy series. (Note to the Broccoli clan: Steve Guttenberg woud make an awesome Bond. Awesome.)

Cointreau of Snodgrass is the 723rd product in the Bond line, which began when Ian Fleming launched his failed glue stick and spreadable condiment line, Bond Jams Bond, back in 1955. Since then, James Bond has become as familiar as crabs and as comfortable as a stale olive.

Country of Soul-ass drags James Bond into the spotlight yet again, as he picks up from where the very long baccarat game in Casino Royale left off. It is safe to assume the following: James Bond James will say "Bond James Bond" at least once; he will be up against someone mean and fairly self-deceptive - someone with major "issues"; James Bond James will have sex with at least one woman if not more (and flirt with at least one man); vehicles will be used as weapons following extensive chase scenes (but not as cool as in Die Hard 4 - he killed a helicopter with a car dude, c'mon); James Bond James will be captured and escape (possibly with the help of a woman or the man who mistook the earlier flirting and will go on to become very depressed because he didn't get any hot Bond action); James Bond James will win the day. And it will be long and fairly boring, interrupted by car/aeroplane/boat chases (I'm hoping for a high-speed tricyle showdown, myself). And an inappropriate environmental message.

James Bond James? Who gives a crap who, more like. Apart from the sexy Dench wench, why would anyone waste time and effort with this endlessly repetative rubbish? And with no Steve Guttenberg in sight, what's the point?

Shatner rating: Quincy Cameo
Must See? No