Guttenberg naked or Shatner venting? Who could possibly choose?

When it comes right down to it, having to choose between video of Steve Guttenberg jogging sans pants through Central Park or William Shatner venting for 4 minutes about not being invited to George Takai's now possibly no longer legal gay Buddhist wedding, frankly, we just can't decide.
[via Defamer via YouTube via Videogum via... oh who the hell can even remember?]

ELECTION SPECIAL 2: OBAMA - THE MOVIE

The No Show has already proven the value of completely uninformed and very biased opinion by calling the current election correctly well before the first results began to roll in.
This is just a FACT.

Now the United States faces a very complicated question: who will play the various people in Obama's as yet undecided Cabinet when the inevitable film version of his life is made, probably by Oliver Stone (or Michael Bay, with extra explosive White House action sequences and 17 limo versus helicopter versus subway car chases)?

The No Show has a few choice suggestions.

Barack Obama: As we've already said, it's gotta be Steve Guttenberg. He'll tan up for the project, he's totally Method.

First Lady Michelle Obama: Whoopie Goldberg. She'll lose 75lbs, cut her hair and travel back in time to her Colour Purple days, so that she's young enough to pull it off, with the added benefit that she won't have to date Ted Danson this time.

Vice President Joe Biden Obama: Al Pacino. On stilts. Wearing a Nixon mask.

Chief of Staff Obama: With the announcement that Rahm Emanuel is taking on this role for real, it's gotta be Adam Arkin. Or maybe a pre-op transsexual Ms Doubtfire as played by Robin Williams not in drag. Every house needs a lovable faux Scottish nanny tranny!

Secretary of State Obama: The ghost of Grandma Obama, as performed by the large woman from Two and a Half Men. The one who plays the housekeeper. Whatsername. She'll spend the entire film burning rubber in a CGI WWII Army motorcycle with a sidecar. Solving murders and fighting crime.

Secretary of Defence Obama: Ed Norton in full Hulk make-up, but without prosthetics or CGI. So, basically, a green, angry Ed Norton.

Secretary of the Treasury Obama: A large potato, wrapped in dollar bills and tossed between all players throughout the first half of the film. Replaced by an albatross (played by Verne Troyer) that hangs around Guttenberg's neck for the second half.

Attorney General Obama: Kevin Costner, in the form of cobbled together clips taken from JFK and The Untouchables. Plus one moving scene from Dances with Wolves in which the young moustachio'ed Attorney General discovers that he is at one with nature and also in love with Mary McDonald who, it turns out, is Native American.

Secretary of Agriculture Obama: Gary Coleman in a burlap sack, bound at the top with a stalk of wheat. This will be kept near Obama/Guttenberg's Oval Office desk at all times for use as an ottoman. Or ye olde style "kickin' bag".

Secretary of Transport Obama: A framed picture of Tom Cruise in Days of Thunder. "Danger Zone" by Kenny Loggins will play every time someone looks too closely at the photo (except for Obama/Guttenberg - when he looks at the Tom Cruise photo, "Take My Breath Away" will play sexily in the background).

Secretary of Education Obama: Like the recent Dylan biopic, this role will be played by 17 different actors, all of whom have played teachers in other films, including Michelle Pfeiffer, Samuel L Jackson and Jon Lovitz. Each actor will be given 48 seconds of screen time in total.

Secretary of Energy Obama: Rosemary Clooney (played by George Clooney in drag).

Secretary of Homeland Security Obama: This role will be dropped by the time filming begins, when Obama brings peace to the universe by turning the world on with his smile.


And so, onward to victory in the 2009 Oscars!
(Or possibly 2010, if Harvey Weinstein screws us around on distribution.)

Obama picture courtesy Matthias W., published under the Creative Commons Attribution ShareAlike 3.0 Unported

ELECTION SPECIAL: Calling it for OBAMA

Before the US election results have barely even begun to trickle in, The No Show is going to go out on a non-ledge and say that Obama has won the election with an incredible unprecedented landslide, including all people on the planet voting for him apart from a few guys in Kentucky. But they were drunk and did it on a dare. They were later seen going into a closet for three minutes as their friends chanted "Tongue! Tongue! Tongue" while throwing back bottles of Thunderbird.

Obama has also been given a Nobel prize for both Peace AND Physics, for his work in negotiating settlement terms between the electrons and the protons (neutrons remain Switzerland-like in their neutralness). He has alo been awarded an honourary Oscar for a lifetime achievement and an Emmy for Best Performance By An Ensemble. The Grammy went to Sarah Palin, though many felt that Obama was robbed.

Going forward, The No Show believes that Barack "Steve" Obama's first 100 days as Principal of United States High School will see the tough-but-firm cool cucumber take on both the rockers and the greasers and bring peace to the whole gang, including Lulu, during a series of more intricate and complex song and dance routines.

The No Show also believes that Obama will be played by Steve Guttenberg in the inevitable made for TV film, instead of Will Smith because he will probably ask for money to play the role. Guttenberg will do it for bread crusts. And he'll do an awesome job of it.


UPDATE: Proving the worth of completely non-informed opinion, The No Show has proven its worth by calling the current election correctly well before the first results began to roll in. And now that we have been proven correct about this historically historical moment in historic history, we would just like to add our voices to the many many hundreds of Obama fans out there and say: Well done, sir. And we wish you luck in your future as Jesus 2.0.

All hail the conquering Messiah and welcome also to his cunning new ghost sidekick, Gramma Obama!