The No Show 12 Days of Christmas: Day 12

The No Show 12 Days of Christmas

Top 12 Films We Haven't See of 2010

The Year in Review

It's been a powerful year for films we haven't bothered to see.

This was the year we discovered that stitching one human being's mouth to another's anus and then doing the same thing with another human being's mouth and the anus of that second person, merits funding, cult status and a sequel for a movie. Because you just never know what might happen when you stitch a mouth to an anus. The possibilities are endless.

We also found out that a film with as innocuous a title as "A Serbian Film" could be so seriously unpleasant that the plot description alone would make you want to vomit up the entire contents of your stomach as well as the contents of any stomachs in a five-mile radius.

And we discovered that if you really wanted to make money in movies in 2010, the average age of your audience better be under 12 years old. And failing that, the plot better be understandable at a fifth-grade level.

"But The No Show, this is all wasting our time, please tell us: what films haven't you seen this year?" you ask. Well let me tell you: lots. Lots and lots of films did not pass in front of these eyes. We saw Toy Story 3 of course, we're not monsters. And How To Train Your Dragon, because come on, it has dragons in it. But apart from that, you would be amazed how few films we bothered to see in 2010.

But of all the films not seen, the film we most didn't see but might have possibly accidently seen by osmosis without having actually seen has to be Inception.

"What are you talking about?" you ask. "Of course you saw Inception. Everybody saw Inception. It was, like, a law or something."

And that, dear readers, is the nub of the crux of the heart of the problem: five minutes after Inception was released, the first parodies were on the internets, flooding our subconscious with notions of dreams and reality and doorways and spinning tops and doughy Leonardo DiCaprio, still all baby fat after all these years (seriously, I worry about you Leo, those suits aren't helping).

Even ginormous megastar celebrity tweeters joked about it:

How could we possibly be asked to write a proper review based on absolutely no knowledge of the film if some knowledge crept into our brains just because we turned on our stupid computer? Seriously, it's a problem.

There was only one solution. Only one person affiliated with The No Show had the complete lack of knowledge of Inception that was required in order to review the film in the way it most deserved: on the basis of complete and utter ignorance.

With that in mind, we ask that you please listen closely this untainted and unexpectedly seasonal review of Inception. Enjoy.

Watch this space

It's been too long. And now we're back. Well, I say now. I mean soon. Love The No Show.

FILM REVIEW: The Tooth Fairy

UK release date: 28 May 2010
Starring: Dwayne The Rock Johnson and a giant pooka, possibly named Harvey, definitely scarred for life.



Apparently, this film follows the story of a man with a gigantic rabbit strapped to his back.

I'm assuming this is some sort of punishment, but I'm really not comfortable guessing what the man did or how the punishment fits the crime, though I assure you I am more than capable of imagining what kind of depraved perversion it might involve and to be honest I refuse to believe that someone might be so sick as to do that kind of thing to a poor harmless rabbit and it most certainly was not consensual and frankly, I'm a bit shocked that this kind of thing is considered suitable for children.

Seriously Hollywood? You DISGUST me. I have nothing more to say on the matter.




Must-see? Did you not see what this film is about? Don't be stupid.
Shatner Scale: Off the chart bad. Shatner commercial.

FILM REVIEW: Iron Man 2

UK release date: 30 April 2010
Starring: Robert Downey Jr and a delightful plate of delicious dumplings.


In a film producer's office, many years ago...

Screenwriter: Thanks for seeing me, I'm really excited about pitching this idea for -

Producer: Have you had lunch?

Screenwriter: Sorry?

Producer: Lunch. Have you had it? Because I'm starving. I'm going to order in some lunch. You go ahead, I'm listening.

Screenwriter: Right, well, here's the idea: when I was young, I loved the classic comic, Iron -

Producer (buzzing intercom): Maggie? Can you order me something? (to Screenwriter) Go ahead, I'm all over it, classic moments in ironing...

Screenwriter: Um, as I was saying, I was always a fan of classic comics and as soon as I heard an Iron Man film was in production, I started thinking about the sequel, so -

Maggie (on intercom): What do you want?

Producer (into intercom): Not sure. I'm in the mood for dumplings. (to Screenwriter) Are you hungry? Go head, I'm totally with you, classic dumpling comics sequels.

Screenwriter: Yes. I mean no, thank you, I'm not hungry. As I was saying, I'm sure someone is going to make Iron Man 2 -

Maggie (on intercom): Did you say you wanted mantu?

Producer (into intercom): What the hell's mantu?

Maggie (on intercom): It's a dumpling dish. It's popular in Central Asia and Turkey.

Screenwriter: No, wait, I didn't mean -

Producer (into intercom): Sounds perfect, go for it. (to Screenwriter) You were saying: you think it's time for Iron Mantu.

Maggie (on intercom): One Iranian Mantu. coming up.

Screenwriter: But, no... I...

Producer: I think it's a great idea. It has drama, it has action, it has flavour and it's topical. Very meaty subject matter. Something for everyone. I'm thinking... Robert Downey Jr in the lead. He's perfect: healthy but doughy. When can you show me something?

Screenwriter: *blank stare* Tuesday?

Producer: Fantastic, it's going to be huge. One thing: can we make the mantu American?

Screenwriter: Um, sure.

Producer: Excellent. (into intercom) Maggie, get me Jimmy Cameron on the phone. (to Screenwriter) I've heard he's dabbling in 3D, sounds interesting. Not sure if we're ready for 3D dumplings, to be honest, but it'll be huge anyway. Is it just me or are you as starving as I am right now?





Must-see? 3D dumplings going after terrorists? Hell. Yes.
Shatner Scale: Full-on Kirk. No question.

REVIEW: Lady Gaga - the myth (or mythter)

So here's the thing: I don't know anything about Lady Gaga.

This isn't usually a problem. Normally, when I'm looking for something to review, it has to be something I've never seen or heard or read, intentionally or otherwise. It must be something I know very little about, so that nothing influences my opinion, like knowledge or enjoyment or nausea. It keeps things honest.

But the fact is that I really don't know anything about Lady Gaga. Not a thing. Nothing. Nada.

I couldn't pick Lady Gaga out of a line-up, assuming they went out and found a bunch of other people who look a bit like Lady Gaga. Then again, I'd struggle to find her if she were surrounded by a band of midget penguins and she was wearing a big sign that said "Hi! I'm Lady Gaga! Ask me how!"

So little, in fact, that I don't know where to start. But as my old writing teacher once said: "Write what you don't know". (Then again, he also smelled of poo and used mouthwash, but I still think he had a point.)

So here are the top ten things I do not know about Lady Gaga:

1. Her real name.
I'm pretty sure it's not Lady Gaga, though you never know these days. It's possible that her family - the Gagas - decided to call her "Lady" when she was born. Maybe she had delicate ladylike features as a baby. Or maybe they really liked Walt Disney and confused their newborn child with a Cocker Spaniel. If so, I feel sorry for her brother, Tramp Gaga. Both for the name and for those awkward moments when mom served up a heaping bowl of spaghetti and meatballs and told the kids to share.


2. Where she's from.
I mean originally. Not just her home town - I don't even know what country she's from. Or planet, for that matter. Even though I'm pretty sure she would pass unnoticed in Amsterdam, from what little I've read and seen about her, she could be from Pluto. Maybe she moved to Earth when Pluto was downgraded to dwarf planet, in search of whoever decided to downgrade it, so that she could smack them with what I assume would be a shiny Diamante Plutonian stiletto? Or maybe a telephone? I understand she has a thing for telephones.

3. What she looks like.
I've seen pictures captioned "Lady Gaga", but they never look like the same person. More like contestants in an International Transgender Robots of The Future contest.

I thought this was her receiving an award, but I might be wrong. I don't speak Swedish.




I do know she wears sunglasses a lot, presumably to protect her tiny Plutonian eyes from the endless flashbulbs. And I believe those sunglasses sometimes have telephones or televisions attached to them. I've seen this photo floating around, but it could be a still from a lace bukkake porn scene – and you can't even see her face so there's no way to be sure it is Lady Gaga.


4. Her gender.
I always assumed she was a she, but I've been fooled by the whole "Lady" thing before - never pleasant - so I've learned to be cautious. I've seen headlines saying things like "LADY GAGA'S GOT A PEE PEE" which I thought meant she had a weak bladder, but it could mean she has a penis, and I've also seen many men who look like her so maybe she is in fact a he.

For example, this could be her for all I know and I don't know whether this is a he or a she or the offspring of a he and a she and a horse - the jury is still out.



5. Her age.
She could be a very confused 16 year old boy. Or a youthful 90 year old woman. Possibly a middle aged superhero who recently retired and just can't give up the outfits. Who knows? It's very difficult to tell without more to go on. Like a birth certificate.

6. The name of any of her songs.
Seriously. Gun to my head, I couldn't name one. I don't even know if anything she's done has been in the charts, but that's less surprising since the charts are shite and I haven't looked at them for decades.

I've heard rumours that she has a song about a telephone but that's obviously a misunderstanding and they mean the 1978 classic "Hanging on the Telephone" by Blondie. So that's one myth busted.



7. The name of any of her albums.
For that matter, has she actually released a full album? I should add that to the list.

8. Whether or not she's ever actually released a full album of songs.
See above.

9. What her music sounds like.
In my mind, something about her name suggests that the music of Lady Gaga sounds like a dinosaur gargling a bunch of kittens. Others claim she could be the vocal reincarnation of Bonnie Tyler. The fact that Bonnie Tyler is not dead doesn't seem to matter.

The thing is, I may have in fact heard one of Lady Gaga's songs. Her music has probably already featured heavily in some massive ad campaign, so there's a chance, just a chance that my brain has been exposed to it at some point, even though every ad these days seems to feature "Dog Days Are Over" by Florence + the Machine. I don't watch TV much and skip ads whenever possible, but it's a powerful medium, hard to avoid.

But if I have heard a Lady Gaga song, I didn't realise and it made no impression on me. This doesn't mean that, in years to come, I won't be sitting in a retirement home, drooling down my shirt, when the young staff will pipe in some nostaligic music "from the noughties" to keep us sedate, and somewhere between Coldplay and Oasis, a Lady Gaga track will come on.

And in that brief moment, I may be lucid enough to ask: "What the fuck is this?" A nearby orderly may stop long enough to say, "That? That's Her Majesty Lady Gaga old man - where've you been?" At which point I will lunge for his throat and my blanket will become tangled in his hoverboard, dragging me to a horrible but long-overdue death.

Apparently, the following is an example of Lady Gaga music - and it's not the only one. But if her music actually provokes this kind of behaviour in young and defenceless children (even those wearing what can only be described as a totally awesome ensemble), then I'm really surprised something hasn't been done to stop her/him/it. Some kind of restraining order or something. Anything, really.



10. Why she's popular.
The thing is, most of the time, I understand the reasons behind empty fame. Paris Hilton (boring zombie-green sex tape followed by not caring about boring zombie-green sex tape), Lindsay Lohan (onset of sudden lesbianism), Jamie Oliver (fat tongue and subsequent potential for mockery of same), Prince Harry (red-headed royal most likely to be involved in a bizarre self-immolation incident) - I get it, some people with no demonstrable skills are famous for being famous. But popularity usually requires a combination at least two of the following:

• Charm
• Talent
• Sex appeal

From what little I know, Lady Gaga struggles to tick even one of these boxes. No charming personality. No talent to leave a lasting impression. And so sexless that three pieces of duct tape and a bit of lace suffice for a modest wardrobe. Why the popularity?

The answer is clear as the flimsy gauze barely covering Lady Gaga's cha-cha: she's popular because she's not real. She's a fiction, a product of mass hallucination on the part of a world desperate for good news and uncomplicated entertainment. She is an empty vessel. She is a half-baked fashion magazine come to life.

What does all of this mean for my No Show review of Lady Gaga? Simple: Lady Gaga does not exist. And because she does not exist, there is nothing for me to review. QED.

My work here is done.

PS: Based on The Usual Suspects ("The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing he world he didn't exist") and following on from the above, there is another possibility: Lady Gaga is the Devil. QED. Or possibly Bonnie Tyler. Either way, hide your children.

INTERVIEW: James Cameron, Emperor of Everything

An exclusive interview with James Cameron, Emperor of Everything on his latest James Cameron Epic Motion Picture™: AVATAR

Now that the James Cameron Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar has taken over as the Greatest James Cameron Epic Motion Picture™ Ever Made and James Cameron himself has been crowned Emperor of Everything, it's only fitting that The No Show track him down and ask him the hard hitting questions that everyone is too scared to ask for fear that he will crush them with his withering stares and his personal army of Terminators (they're totally real by the way).

_________________________

The No Show:
So James - may I call you James?

The Disembodied Voice of James Cameron, Emperor of Everything:
You may refer to me as James Cameron, Emperor of Everything.

The No Show:
I'm sorry...?

TDVoJC (EoE):
Please refer to me by my given name, James Cameron, Emperor of Everything.

The No Show:
That's going to eat into a lot of our interview time.

TDVoJC (EoE):
Don't worry your pretty little head about it. After all, I'm a Master of Time and Space.

The No Show:
Master of Time?

TDVoJC (EoE):
And Space, yes. All Canadians are, but they're too polite to really use the skill. Those that do become incredibly successful for almost no reason whatsoever, of course. Think about it: Jim Carrey, Mike Myers, Alanis Morissette - what have they done to deserve their success?

The No Show:
That does explain a lot.

TDVoJC (EoE):
Absolutely. Just look at my previous Epic Motion Picture™ Titanic - that flew by for millions of viewers around the world, right? And yet it clocked in at an epic 19 hours long. No-one even noticed because I squeezed it into a paltry three hours and 17 minutes.

The No Show:
It still felt pretty long.

TDVoJC (EoE):
So if we're running short on time, I'll bend time and space to make sure you get in all your questions. So long as I approve of the questions. Otherwise, I'll rewind time and refuse this interview. And then make sure you achieve none of your lifelong ambitions. I will also un-invent the internet if you bug me. Just to make sure.

In fact, if you do, say or suggest anything of which I do not approve, in addition to killing every pet you have ever owned, I will travel back to your early twenties and sleep with your first serious girlfriend, little... [loud electrical disturbance] Mary McGoogle. My she was a hottie wasn't she?

The No Show:
...

TDVoJC (EoE):
[loud electrical disturbance] Oh yes she was. I just went back and did her anyway. Twice. Just to show you I mean business. You should call her up and ask her. She probably wouldn't take your call though. Once you go Disembodied Master of Space and Time, you never go back, as they say. On the bright side, you'll find you have now never had crabs. You're welcome.

The No Show:
So, your film, Avatar, has been breaking records all over the place -

TDVoJC (EoE):
Do you mean my Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar?

The No Show:
Yes, the film -

TDVoJC (EoE):
- my Epic Motion Picture™ -

The No Show:
- Avatar has done major box office -

TDVoJC (EoE):
My Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar is has been are doing precisely the box office I am are making it do. Done. Sorry, tenses get a bit squiffy with time travel.

The No Show:
Did your plans include being knocked off the top spot in the US by Dear John, by all accounts a soppy romance with virtually no story and no big Hollywood names?

TDVJC (EoE):
Yes. This was exactly as I made it happen. My Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar beat the record box office run established by my previous Epic Motion Picture™ Titanic, and my next Epic Motion Picture™ will beat my current Epic Motion Picture™ and so on and so forth. It's a long-term strategy.

The No Show:
And you made this happen...?

TDVoJC (EoE):
Absolutely. I manipulated time and space, went back and forth, checked out the films that were due to be released around this time and chose Dear John, which was the least threatening.

Then, late at night while everybody was sleeping, I crept into their rooms and whispered, "You will go see Dear John this weekend. You will go see Dear John this weekend. This will not affect your unquestioning devotion to James Cameron's Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar." Lo and behold, my Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar drops to second place. And this way, no-one even noticed that my Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar had virtually no story.

As for the Epic box office performance of my Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar, well, what can I say? I've always done well with sequels.

The No Show:
Sequel?

TDVJC (EoE):
Well, technically my Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar is the fourteenth in a series.

The No Show:
But Avatar -

TDVJC (EoE):
- my Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar -

The No Show:
Whatever, it wasn't a sequel.

TDVJC (EoE):
Of course it was, the first one bombed, don't you remember? Then I did all those test screenings, made the Na'vi skinny and half-naked, gave the female ones pert little Shakira-like breasts and - oh no, of course you don't. Silly me, always forgetting these things. Interesting story: in fact, this is the fourteenth release of the film, you just don't remember them. I kept going back in time, simplifying the story, making it more familiar and comfortable for audiences and adding more partial nudity and explosions and special effects until BAM, I had a multi-million dollar hit on my hands. Simples.

The No Show:
Is that why the film -

TDVJC (EoE):
- Epic Motion Picture™ -

The No Show:
- has been described as a mix between Pocahontas, The Dark Crystal and the Smurfs, but for adults?

TDVJC (EoE):
[loud electrical disturbance]
... I'm sorry, what were you saying?

The No Show:
... Hm, that's funny, I don't remember.

TDVJC (EoE):
That's fine. You were asking how it feels to have created what many are calling the most Epic cinematic experience since my last Epic Motion Picture™ Titanic.

The No Show:
Was I? I don't recall...

TDVJC (EoE):
No problem. It feels great.

The No Show:
Um OK, thanks for taking the time to speak with us.

TDVJC (EoE):
My pleasure. And remember: my next Epic Motion Picture™, The Little Mermaid, comes out next year. And it will be in 4D, a technology I haven't even invented yet, but I'm confident I'll be able to borrow from somewhere in time and claim as my own with a few very minor tweaks.

The No Show:
The Little Mermaid? You mean like the Disney –

TDVJC (EoE):
[loud electrical disturbance]
... I'm sorry, what were you saying?

The No Show:
Um, sorry, I've lost my train of thought. In any case, we've run out of time, so I'll just say thanks to the Disembodied Voice of James Cameron, Emperor of Everything, and we look forward to what I'm sure will have been your next biggest Epic Motion Picture™ ever.

TDVJC (EoE):
Now you're getting it.

The No Show:
By the way, I loved Citizen Kane.

TDVJC (EoE):
Thanks. I was particularly proud of that one.

FILM REVIEW: 2012

UK release date: 13 November 2009
Starring: John Cusack and a bunch of other people we're going to assume are just paying the bills

It's a film. Called "2012". I totally haven't seen it. As usual. And since the posters don't have any amateur athletes getting blown away by some evil terrorist organisation that's totally trying to get rid of major global sporting events forever, I'm guessing this isn't some Olympics-based mega-action thriller.

That only leaves one option. Time travel. And that sucks.

Why? Because if you're going to spend all that time and money to build a freaking time machine, if you're going to give up any chance you might have had to hook up with that hot girl who lives next door that you've always secretly wanted to lick just to see what hotness tastes like, if you're going to absolutely guarantee that you will never get that big career break that you always wanted but that was being held up by an ancient co-worker who just refuses to die or retire, and you do all that to create a machine that could take you ANYWHERE or ANYWHEN, then why in the name of all that is horny would you go to 2012?

Dude, that's like TWO YEARS from now.


Why not go back 43 minutes? That's what I'd do. Just so I could avoid getting on to that lift and letting rip with that very evil and very ripe one I just couldn't hold in. (I swear it wasn't intentional. Honestly. Even I thought it was nasty and I kind of like my own stink so I can only imagine how horrifying it must have been for the seven other people stuck in there with me.)

Or maybe I'd go back to last night when I ordered that curry in the first place, so I could change my mind, maybe get something healthy instead of something that turned me into a freaking leaky toxic dump of olfactory death.

Or better yet, I'd jump forward by about 100 years, when I'm pretty sure that everyone that was with me on that lift would be good and dead and any trace of the smell from that lift would be long gone (or at least so faint that you'd only really smell it if you found the lift, buried your face deep into the fabric covering the floor and took a deep sniff).

But two years? That thing would still be lingering in the lobby of the building, looking for someone else to disgust.

Sure, Doc Brown only sent Einstein ahead in time by one minute, but that was just a test. Plus, it was a dog. And the dog didn't even realise what had happened. And then Marty McFly and Doc Brown were all like 'Hey, we need to go back in time and then forward in time and then back again' and generally all over the joint in those three films. Sometimes they were even in the same place and time as their earlier selves who didn't even know they were there. Which is, like, WHOA. And we don't even know how many times the dudes jumped when the cameras weren't rolling. Plus they rebuilt the stupid DeLorean as an awesome train. Now that is time travel.

Jesus, even Bill and Ted went all over the place. And picked up passengers. And their time machine was held together with freaking chewing gum. And they were idiots. I mean come ON.

And what about Bruce Willis? Dude wasn't even in charge of his time travel and he moved around way more, hell he even managed to get shot in one time, have his picture taken there and then have the bullet removed in another time and made damned sure his hot girlfriend totally saw the awesome photograph form World War I. Yes, yes, he totally screwed the whole "stop the plague" thing from happening because he got all caught up in a monkey thing, but who wouldn't, am I right? It was MONKEYS. And he was pretty shook up. From the time travel. Totally forgivable.

Anyway, not impressed, 2012 time travelling film-making dudes. Not impressed.

But at least we can all learn something: if you're thinking about jumping around in time, try jumping at least 30 years, so the clothes will have changed. Because I'm guessing Uggs are still going to be around in 2012. And I fucking hate Uggs.


Must-see? No. Just wait two years and you'll find out what happens anyway.
Shatner Scale: Off the charts. We're talking unauthorised Shatner biography here.

MUSIC REVIEW: Foot of the Mountain by A-Ha (Part 1)

UK Release Date: 13 July 2009

When news reached The No Show headquarters that A-Ha has a new album coming out (Foot of the Mountain), we were surprised. So surprised that we felt this surprise could only be captured via the always surprising medium of comic. So we whipped together a stunningly beautiful piece of comic art with which we hoped to surprise you in much the same way. Then we were surprised to find that Blogger sets size limitations on uploads. Not surprisingly, this makes reading our beautiful comic a bit of a challenge, as you can see:


"A-Ha!" we said. "We know how to get around this!"

And so we uploaded the bugger to Twitpic.com. Because Twitpic doesn't mess around with stupid size limitations.

Click here for the larger, more readable version. On our best friend, Twitpic.

Then, if you like, come back here. Or stay there. Whatever, we're not your mother.

Must hear? Not sure yet. Waiting to find out what Alan Partridge thinks. Stay tuned.
Shatner Scale: TJ Hooker. We kinda liked "Take On Me", but "Hunting High and Low" was annoying.

Editor's note: "Photos" used in the comic were "mashed-up" from the "internet" for the purposes of "satire" which we think means they qualify as "fair use" but if you "own" one of the images let us know if you think they have been used "inappropriately" or something, and we'll see what we can "do".

MEGA REVIEW: The Top Seven Movies The No Show Will Not Be Seeing This Summer

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

FILM REVIEW: Moon

UK release date: 17 July 2009
Starring: Sam Rockwell and Kevin Spacey

Duncan Jones (aka Zowie Bowie, son of David Bowie). Sam Rockwell. Kevin Spacey (as the voice of the robot). The Moon. Put them all together and what have you got?

A recipe for one of the gayest romps ever to hit the big screen.

That's right ladies and gentlemen, they've only gone and done it: Moon will be the first film that finally - *finally* - explores the much-discussed-but-never-featured-in-a-mainstream-Hollywood-production love-that-dare-not-beep-its-name between a man and his robot.

It's been a long time coming [Ed's note: please refrain from bad sex-based puns]. After all, robots are totally gay. Just ask Bender. [Ed's note: Seriously. Stop it.]

Sure, we've all seen the erotic adventures of gay androids (gaydroids) in space (Star Wars). And we've certainly had same-sex couples in space (Han and Chewy, Han and Leia). And we've even had same-sex sentient animal-robot love (Chewy, C3PO). But this is the first time anyone has dared explore the nuts and bolts [Ed's note: final warning] of a hot and oily human-robot gay love affair in space.*

Oh sure, some have tried to tackle the subject in metaphor, but it's never been convincing or erotic enough. For example, the various Terminator models were obviously just mechanical stand-ins for big ol' leather-clad bulls looking for a good time on a 20th-century Saturday night. (Sometimes a cigar really isn't a cigar, is it Arnie? Sometimes, it's just a big stinky penis metaphor.)

And I'm pretty sure we all knew what HAL 9000 was after when he whispered, "Daisy, Daisy/Give me your answer do/I'm half crazy/all for the love of you" while slobbering over "a bicycle built for two", evoking images of daisy chains and hot, sweaty, throbbing red spots.

Until now, no-one has had the courage to turn the spotlight on the electromomechanosexual in us all.

Some would argue that society isn't ready for gay robot-man love. They would point to the fact that Adam Sandler's comedy pilot "Gay Robot" was never aired. They would be wrong. That show never aired because it was shit and based on a shit sketch from one of Sandler's shit albums. One horny gay robot trying to convince heterosexual human males to gay him. And I'm going to assume there was at least one joke involving a vacuum cleaner.

These naysayers are the same people who failed to see the love that blossomed between Dr Smith and The Robot in Lost in Space. The same people who ignored the undercurrents of rusty interracial love in Short Circuit.

Moon will set the record straight [Ed's note: I'll let that one go]. Based on the very little information we bothered to look up, apart from the title and the cast and the fact that it wasn't a biopic on Moon Unit Zappa, this film sees Moon-based miner Sam Rockwell probing for helium deep into the inner untouched parts of the Moon. [Ed's note: Seriously, enough.]

If that isn't sexy enough, he's alone and sweaty on the moon with a robot. A sexy, lonely robot voiced by Kevin Spacey who may not be gay but who is certainly prepared to stretch himself for his art. [Ed's note: Ok, that's bordering on unpleasant.]

Having not seen the film, we can only assume that the unspoken love between these two beings follows the tried and tested accepted

Hollywood Rules for Gay Love in Films, which are as follows:

1. Unspoken glances between same-sex persons are acceptable so long as one character looks uncomfortable with the situation.

2. Characters may brush up against each other by accident, but only crotch to butt - crotch to crotch brushes are not acceptable, even when one of the characters is metal. Lingering finger- to-metal digit contact will be tolerated. However, insertion of either digit into any part of the other being will cause the whole thing to be shut down.

3. Same-sex kisses must be quick, dry and inherently unsexy, usually followed by extreme hugging, hair tussling and, if pushing the boundaries, awkward and frankly ridiculous neck licking. In the case of gay man-gaydroid love, care must be taken as this may lead to electrocution and/or short circuiting. Under no circumstances will nipple/bolt licking be tolerated.

4. Gay sex encounters must be inherently seedy. Back alleyways [Ed's note: careful], cubicles in public toilets and tents on a mountainside are acceptable. Romantic settings with beds and sheets and candles and same sex couples are typically only seen when the same sex couple is female and there is usually another person watching and/or filming nearby. Probably in a closet with those slats they can peek through. And they usually join in eventually.

5. Gay sex encounters between men must border on violent - like really aggressive wrestling - and almost fully clothed. Unless you're Oliver Reed, in which case gay sex involves actual naked wrestling on a carpet in front of a large fire.

6. Spitting on the hand is now considered taboo because most non-gay persons didn't know what the hell it implied when Heath Ledger did it in Brokeback Mountain until it was too late. (See also Rule #3, re: electrocution)

Ultimately, this potentially groundbreaking epic will be let down not by its exploration of an unspoken moment between two sentient beings with similar genitalia, but by the sci-fi nerds in the audience who will giggle themselves to death while shouting "Danger Will Robinson" every time the Spacey gaydroid looks longingly at Sam Rockwell.

My only hope is that the ad campaign features Rockwell's builder's butt gracing billboards across the UK, revealing a tattoo that reads "All your butts are belong to us", enticing the audience in with the promise of the electromomechanical love that shall not beep its binary code. Maybe then this unnecessary taboo can be put to rest at long last.

It's not much, but it would be a start.

Must-see? Absolutely. This film must be given all the support it can, for the rights of gaydroids today and tomorrow.
Shatner Scale: TJ Hooker. Because he could have been a gaydroid.


*Battlestar Galactica doesn't count. There were no gay Cylons, just threesomes with two female Cylon models. Which is totally not gay.

FILM REVIEW: Inglourious Basterds

UK release date: 21 August 2009
but it's already premiered at Cannes so there's plenty of time to rubbish it completely before it ever sees the light of day here
Starring: Bradley Pitts and some less famous, less good-lookin' folks

Tarantino's fetish for all things Irish has finally come full circle. At long last, he's produced the film he's been threatening to make since he first exploded onto the cinematic screen with Riverdance Dogs, Jackie O'Brown, Kilkenny Bill and Kilkenny Bill 2 - to say nothing of his original Irish classic, Pulp Fecktion.

Now, he turns his attention to the little filmed, often debated, Irish-only sport of Hurling - a sort of cross between Rollerball, croquet, lacrosse and crochet. [Ed's note: We've never actually seen hurling being played. Or even pictures of it being played. To be honest, we might have made up this sport during one of our heavier drinking sessions. Independent verification would be appreciated.]


The film follows the ups and downs of the Inglourious Basterds, Ireland's worst ever hurling team (the title refers to the tiny Irish village of Inglourious and the hilarious fact that the Irish can't spell) - these guys just can't hurl.

As Tarantino might write in one of his trademark, self-indulgent, overly wordy, full-fat, static piece of "laugh at my own jokes" movie referencing monologues: 'These guys are the Liz Hurley of Hurling. Sure, you'd fuck 'em but you wouldn't put them in a remake of Bedazzled, because the 1969 Pete and Dud original was like fucking awesome and then, they stick fucking Liz Hurley as the Devil and, like Brendan 'Lantern jaw....' and so on.

Professional cinematic dreamboat, Lothario and international child gatherer Bradley Pitts plays a former Hurling grand master who was also once a member of the IRA (Sports Violence Division). He wants a shot at redemption and realises that coaching the Inglourious Basterds may be his final shot.

Along the way, he'll have to defeat his demons, spout a lot of meaningless movie in-jokes and train this team of lacklustre losers to beat rivals such as the Waterford Wankers, the Drogheads Dickwads, the Cork Suckers (funny, funny Quentin) and the Tipperary Twats.

This being a Tarantino "sports violence" movie, we see the Basterds' victory right at the beginning and Pitts is only introduced halfway through but is constantly referenced in the way Sergio Leone used to do in his films and that.

There's also a ridiculously hip and ironic soundtrack featuring La Roux, Senor Coconut, Black Flag and Sinitta. And of course, the meaning of "So Macho" is discussed at length, a la the "Like a Virgin" bit in Riverdance Dogs, as Tarantino shifts from referential to self-referential and comes very close to disappearing up his own meta-arsehole.

And won't that be funny when it's quoted ver-fucking- batim back at you in the pub? Yes, all the Tarantino trademarks are here and no Blarney stone of cinematic cliche is left unturned.

The writer/director says that this will be the first in a trilogy of "Micksploitation" cinema, in the grand tradition of Leprechaun, Leprechaun 2 : One Wedding and Lots of Funerals and The Magical Legend of the Leprechauns (for which Colm Meaney was forced to apologise to all of Ireland under threat of losing his nationality).

Tarantino will be following Inglourious Basterds with Da Lidl People, about midget supermarket workers who start a motorcycle gang and then Limerick Licking Lesbians, his first (and pray to your own god, last) excursion into porn.

At least, that's what we think it's about. Based on the posters and stuff. Remember, we haven't actually seen it or anything.

Must-see? To be sure, to be sure (because that's what Irish people say, don't they?)
Shatner Scale: Kirk (and nothing ever gets that)

Pictures courtesy of Wikimedia Commons. Some terms and conditions apply, but we can't figure them out.

THE NO SHOW GUIDE TO SPOTTING COUNTERFEIT DVDs

In accordance with The No Show rules, we don't usually buy DVDs or spend any money on seeing any of the films we review or support the industry in any way, shape or form. But the last time we bought a DVD, we've discovered something. And what we discovered shocked and horrified us.

Apparently, people are making counterfeit DVDs and then selling them on to unsuspecting punters.

But the shocking horror doesn't end there.

If the authorities are to be believed - and we always believe whatever the goverment or any highly-paid organisation in the pocket of big business tell us - some of the money being spent on these fake DVDs is being used to fund terrorism.

We're not sure what kind of terrorism that might be. Perhaps it pays for the terrorist's clothes, maybe their backpacks, or even the cell phones on which they record their terrifying messages to be broadcast on terror websites for other terrorists and media outlets.

For all we know, maybe the DVDs themselves are a kind of terrorism, scaring us with their poor quality and stopping us from enjoying the freedoms that some of our grandparents might have fought for if they were in one of the bigger, more important wars, the ones that were actually about freedom and not about oil or sand or religion or which kind of headgear is appropriate for women.

Once we discovered that the DVD we held in our hands might in fact be both funding terror fashion AND frightening innocent entertainment consumers with its terrifyingly poor quality, we knew we had to act.

On closer inspection, we found some telltale indicators that may in fact indicate the DVD in question was a questionable conterfeit, by all indications.

With this in mind, we present:
The No Show Guide To Spotting Counterfeit DVDs.

For the purposes of this Guide, we'll be using a copy of Gilmore Girls Season 4 DVD, which we bought with joy in our hearts from a well known online auction site, whose name rhymes with peeBay.

Keep in mind that we are trained professionals and that the counterfeiting pirates are cunning cons, with their eye patches and rolling DVD copying centres roaming the high seas.

Do not be ashamed or embarrassed if you miss some of the things we are about to point out.

As you can see from the cover, there was no reason to suspect anything was wrong when we opened the DVD. It looked just like any other DVD we might buy, with the title written in words and a photographs of the two delightful stars of the show. But then we began to notice things that made us think this DVD might not have been sanctioned by the honest and sensible people in Hollywood who took the time to make this show and broadcast it for all to enjoy.

First, we noticed something funny about which season the DVD was from. Season 2? Season 4? It confused us, and set our No Show senses tingling, though at this point we were happy to accept it was human error.


Something else caught our eye. We couldn't quite place it, but something wasn't right. Then we had it: the chunky non-English language bit under the title, possibly Chinese, maybe Japanese, we didn't know but it looked damned odd on this all-American TV series.


However, we knew that one of the characters (Lane) was Korean; we figured it was just possible that this was some sort of homage to her, since she features prominently in Season 4. If it was Season 4. We weren't sure because of that mix up at the top of the box.

It wasn't until we turned the box over that we began to really suspect there might be something piratey about this DVD.



Spelling mistakes. Horrible grammar. Poor kerning. Haphazard gaps and slapdash sub-editing. Easily missed by Joe or Jane Layperson but all clear indicators of the pirate to the trained eye. Plus a huge paragraph in Chinese or possibly Japanese or maybe even Korean taking up about a third of the back cover. It was at this point that we were overtaken by a horrible feeling that we were being terrorised.

But it didn't end there.

(And at this point, I should specify that I noticed everything that followed. My No Show co-star was overcome with grief that he might have funded terrorism. He immediately closed his eyes to avoid seeing anything else that might support terrorism and hasn't opened them since. It's making things difficult for him, but I admire his commitment.)

Beyond the horribleness of the typos, I noticed some clearly factually incorrect information. The kind of incorrect information that the pirates knew was incorrect and felt so guilty about that they couldn't even spell "information" correctly on the box (see typos above).



These blatant errors are as follows:

1. "Star5s Falls": Not only a typo, but everyone knows the Gilmore Girls live in Star's Hollow. Stupid pirates.

2. "the two share... a taste for literature": No they do not. They share a taste for bad films, bad food and bad men. Rory is the one who likes to read. Her mother may in fact be illiterate.

3. Kirk: The pirate text suggests that the emotional life of the Kirk character is important enough to highlight on the box. It is not. He is the court jester of the piece, a delightful loser. The pirates obviously sympathise with him. Because they are also losers. Terrifying losers.

4 and 5b. Subtitles: Make up your minds pirates! Is it "English, Francais and Espanol" or "English, French, Arabic, Hebrew"? You're not fooling me in ANY language.

6. Region 1: Lies, lies and more lies. Like the pirates on the high seas, this DVD has no country. Or region.

At this point, our suspicions were heightened: had we bought a fake, pirate, counterfeit DVD from online pirate terrorists? There was only one thing left the check: the moral integrity of the cover image.

Rory's dead, evil eyes are a clear giveaway. Clearly, this otherwise unimpeachable DVD has been in the hands of pirates.

That, plus the fact that every episode on the DVD featured the logo of the WB network, having been recorded badly off the TV. Probably a stolen TV. And a guy stood up halfway through one episode and went to the loo. Stupid pirates.

Having finished our inspection and delivered out verdict, we felt dirty, but glad to have revealed these pirating types for what they are, with their garish colours and questionable morals. And even though we have funded terrorism via online shopping, we feel vindicated, having provided this much needed public service.

And ultimately, we hope that the next time you're buying DVDs from one of the many authorised vendors selling DVDs out of a duffel bag in the local pub, you'll take a moment to ask yourself: was this hand-drawn cover drawn by terrorist pirates? And if it was, we hope you'll have the strength to leave that copy of "The Darks Night" or "Start Wrek" behind.

Eat that, pirates.

FILM REVIEW: Wolverine

UK Release Date: 1 May 2009
Starring: Huge Aackman. "Huge" to his friends.

I cannot begin to describe how disappointed I was when I found out that Wolverine was not going to be a musical.

This is a colossal mistake. After all, it has all the ingredients of a classic Hollywood musical: Mutants. Wolves. Conflict. And a gigantic hairy Huge Aackman.

I was convinced this was going to a West Side Story for the next generation, a brutal metaphor for our existance, with "animals" battling for survival, as gangs of "Wolves" fought it out with "Sharks" in a bizarre and inexplicable land-sea crossover, with Huge Aackman spinning, diving and ducking at the heart of it all like some delightful and not at all gay Puck in a wolf suit.

My vision of a madcap tap-dancing pelt-wearing Huge Aackman flashing adamantium-clawed jazz hands has been shattered forever.

How could the ridiculous megalomaniacs at Marvel let this happen? Aackman clearly - clearly - wants to do nothing but musicals forever and ever. Preferably with sassy female backing singers and buff male back-up dancers with well-oiled nipples.

His many fans have made it clear that they would rather he did musicals than action hero flicks targeting 12 year old boys. Just listen to the fans applaud as he takes the stage at the Tony Awards in 2004, reinterpreting his role as The Boy from Oz, wearing nothing but gold lame trousers and a leopardprint top, flirting shamelessly with P Diddy who squirms with delight at the attention.

Or at the Oscars, as Huge Aackman flails about in a tight fitting Man Tux and tails. Read their sweaty little comments on Youtube as he grinds his firm buttocks into Barbara Walter's skeletal thighs to the point where, for the briefest of moments, she is reminded what it means to be a woman. The fans want the inner Hugh to sing and dance and generally camp it up until he Aackmans all over them.

And, obviously, the comic book nerds have been begging for a musical adaptation of X-Men for years.

But does Marvel appreciate this groundswell of nervous excitement? Do they answer the giggling masturbatory call of Aackman's surprisingly mostly female fanbase? No. Instead the first superhero musical adaptation we get is Spider-man: Turn Off the Dark featuring music by U2's Boner and The Edger. A musical about a boy wearing pyjamas who climbs walls and fights crime. (Let's just call it what it is, shall we? Peter Parker Pan.)

So Wolverine will not feature Huge Aackman wearing a sad little loincloth, singing about discovering the wolf inside the man. 

We will never get to see an insane whirlwind of well-choreographed dance violence as Aackman clicks his adamantium claws while facing a violent, albeit tongue in cheek enemy, played to perfection at various points in the show's run by David Hasselhoff, Richard Gere and/or Tilda Swinton.

We will never enjoy the pleasure of a surprise duet with Barry Mannilow, singing "Looks Like We Made It" and drowning the audience in their hairy innuendo.

Without the dancing wolves, the scantly clad, bullet-nippled, backing cast and Tony Award winning musical score, what are we left with? 

Huge Aackman in sideburns, that's what.

The fact that this is a filmed version of some kind of comic book prequel to the X-men, which was itself a pretty cool idea that was eventually stretched thinner than Bea Arthur's skin and ended up inspiring things like Heroes, The Incredibles and David Attenborough's The Life of Mammals, doesn't change anything.

Basically, Wolverine without dancing and classic show tunes is just another teenage werewolf film. Which is entirely pointless since everyone knows there is only one believable teen wolf and that is Michael J Fox in the film about a teenager who turns into a wolf, called Teen Wolf.

And that's just tragic.

Shatner Scale: Miss Congeniality 

Worth seeing: Not unless you enjoy disappointment. Or Huge Aackman not dancing and singing. 

Photography: Wikimedia Commons. Wolf image by Cm0rris0n, some terms apply. Image of The Boy from Oz by zesmerelda. Some terms apply.