THEATRE REVIEW: You're Welcome America. A Final Night with George W Bush

UK release date: When Michael Sheen is available

Starring: Will Ferrell on his own

It's not often we review PLAYS we haven't seen. Especially BROADWAY plays we haven't seen. Particularly ONE-MAN SHOWS we haven't seen. Pertinently POLITICAL SATIRES we haven't seen.

When we realised Will Ferrell (who has been in a film by Woody Allen, many TV remakes such as Bewitched and Land of the Lost, and loads of films where he takes a random sport, then dresses like a catalogue model from the mid-seventies, then shouts at other more talented actors) was in it as George W. Bush, we thought, well, seriously, do we want to handle this hot political one-man show of a hot potato or do we want to back down like a guy who's just started an argument with his wife and then mentioned her period?

We said, 'Screw it, lets' do it.' Like a new-age Bond villain might say to his unruly henchmen to motivate them.

Will Ferrell of Semi-Pro fame [Ed's note: A film about his status as a comedian - I thankya] has decided to star as George W. Bush because he plays him on Saturday Night Live, like a dog returning to his own not very funny vomit only to slurp it up and hope Broadway audiences will join him in his vomit-slurping.

But just what is funny about George W. Bush in a post-Bush, maintenant-Obama world?

1. George was a recovering alcoholic

2. George was a coke addict

3. George wasn't very good at anything

4. George was a bit stupid

5. George couldn't stop saying stupid things

6. George wasn't really cut out to be president

But his dad wanted it that way so that's the way it was. It's really easy to parody a moron just like it's easy to masturbate when you're alone but much more daring at a bus stop or at Christmas lunch with all your family round the table [Ed: That's not egg nog - I thankya]. But who has the balls to parody Barack "walks on water, living in the love of the common people" Obama? Not Will Ferrell. No he'd rather pick on the global village retard.

We at The No Show are tough on bullying and the causes of bullying and we believe it's wrong to pick on George Bush. Also it's kinda been done before... a lot. Mostly by Will Ferrell... who may have voted for him because he could do an impression of him.

Like the man who plays ice hockey with his scrotum hanging out, we implore you Will Ferrell, show us your ice cold balls and stop before you go too far. And that goes for you too Tina Fey. Just because you look like Sarah Palin and are oddly sexy like a bespectacled primary school teacher who touches herself under the desk – no more Palin. [Ed's note: Er, Tina Fey more or less stopped doing that impressions after the election... I wish she hadn't, she sort of turned me on like a bespectacled hillbilly politician who talks church in public but filth in the sack.]

If anyone goes to see this, it will only encourage more shows that attack the mentally and physically impaired. If you want to see Ricky Gervais playing Stephen Hawking or Jack Black playing Helen Keller or Ben Stiller playing David Beckham, then go and see Will Ferrell in You're Welcome, America - but remember, you'll be support mentalist bullying.

Shatner scale: TJ Hooker: The Movie

Must see: Only if you hate those less fortunate than you.

FILM REVIEW: Two Lovers

UK release date: 27 March 2009
Starring: Joaquin Phoenix and some other people

According to IMBD, Two Lovers is "a Brooklyn-set romantic drama about a bachelor (Phoenix) torn between the family friend his parents wish he would marry and his beautiful but volatile new neighbor."

It is going to be rubbish.

This verdict is based on three very good and undeniable FACTS:

1. Timing is everything. The film is being released too late for the 2009 Academy Awards and too soon for anyone to remember it for the 2010 Academy Awards (though it will still probably earn some BAFTA nominations. Anything to bump up the list of US presenters at the awards).

2. It co-stars Gwyneth Paltrow. Seriously: name one film she's been in that was actually good. We'll wait. No, not that one, it was rubbish too. And not that one either. See? Told you.

3. Lead actor Joaquin Phoenix retired shortly after the film wrapped. To become a professional BEARDY rapper.)

So there you go, verdict done, on to more important business:

WHY THE FRAK IS JOAQUIN PHOENIX RETIRING TO BECOME A BEARDY RAPPER???

According to JP Beardy Rapper MC himself (on People.com), "This is me saying this is who I am. This is my story. After all the years of reading scripts and reading lines, this is my chance to do something straight from the heart and put it out there."

But as Yahoo news also pointed out, "After his set, he was left red-faced after he tripped and fell into the crowd as he attempted to step off the stage."

Is it a joke? Defamer.com thinks so (but they're such bitchy bitches they'd mock Ghandi for his fashion choices). And spotting Casey Affleck filming MC McBeardy's "gigs" make it feel like a big phat mockumentary scam.

But still, Phoenix aka DJ Beardy McBeardson insists it's all fuh realz.

Just in case, we at The No Show feel it necessary to remind young MC Big Bad JoPhe Beard of a few other poor career choices that were made by famous types at pivotal junctions in their lives, and the car crash-like results that ensued:


Vanilla Ice (aka Robbie Van Winkle): Useless "rapper" who sampled "Under Pressure" for his one big hit without giving any credit or paying royalties and had the first #1 on the Billboard charts and sold 17 million CDs before being sued and paying out big time. His success can only be explained by a kind of mass insanity that began in middle class suburbs before spreading around the world. Thankfully, Van Winkle's switch to acting cured the world of its collective madness and he failed spectacularly, winning the "Worst New Star" award at the 1991 Golden Raspberry Awards. He shifted back to "music" - this time with creepy dreads that looked stapled to his head - and failed yet again. So, like every American performer without a career, Van Winkle turned to his last possible creative outlet, Reality TV, where he has enjoyed modest success (if you include "getting the crap beaten out of you by Todd Bridges" in your definition of modest success).

[Ed's note: all of the above "facts" were lifted directly from the Winkapedium. So they must be true.]


David Bowie: An unique and charismatic hair musician, Bowie's hair had several chart-topping hits. Then his hair dabbled in hair acting, with limited success (though his turn as Jareth the Hairy Goblin King in Labyrinth was, frankly, astonishing and hirsute). So far so good. Then he turned to financial hair services, offering hair stocks and generally spreading himself thin, which of course lead us all into the hairy economic situation we're all in now.


Mickey Rourke: Great actor turned mediocre actor turned boxer turned crash test dummy for cosmetic surgeons throughout LA. One small error in judgement in the early 1990s = 10 years of wandering in the wilderness before major comeback with The Wrestler (and it was a comeback - Another 9 1/2 Weeks and straight to video shit like Shades don't count as acting).


Chuck Norris: A super-duper action hero (big and small screen), this roundhouse-kicker extraordinaire then decided that he was so great that he must be great at everything. Including fashion. Say hello to The Chuck Norris Action Jeans for the martial artist. I shit you not.



John Wayne Bobbit: Wife hacked off his knob, so he had to prove it would work. By going into porn. It didn't really work. And neither did he after that.


Ron Jeremy (or indeed any porn actor given even half a chance): When Ron Jeremy went from Insanely Famous Hairy Fat Hedgehog Pornstar to Actor, people were prepared to give him half a chance. Unfortunately for Ron, it turned out that his penis got all the talent. But that didn't stop a handful of other porn stars who have jumped at the chance when offered a role by saddo directors looking for "authenticity" by which they mean "people willing to actually have sex on set in front of my entire film crew so I can call this piece of shit film 'art'". Except for Traci Lords. She's pretty good actually.

Paris Hilton, Noami Campbell etc: This applies to a wide range of useless models, IT girls and the offspring of stupidly wealthy and famous parents - recording an album is always a bad idea. ALWAYS. There are no exceptions to this rule. Vacuousness, stupidity and inexcusable wealth are no excuse.

Justin Lee Collins: He used to be a successful double-glazing demonstrator. Now look at him, chasing former celebrities and haranguing them like some great hairy ape. It's just wrong. Just plain wrong.


Lindsay Lohan: Former child actor and rehab addict, she decided to pack that in and try her hand at full time professional lesbianism. While she has enjoyed some success with this career, the constant appearance of walking skeleton Samantha Ronson at her side is messing with Lohan's celebrity status because being with the sister of a famous producer is more likely to get Lohan into clubs than having appeared in an hilarious remake of Herbie. And it's making Lohan look fat. (Seriously Ronson, grab a bagel or something, will you?)


Adolf Hitler: Tried to be an artist but he was shit. So he became a psychotic mass murdering megalomaniac instead. Which is unfortunate.


Stalin: Should have stayed a weatherman. Unfortunately, his light workload meant he had time to foster revolution, which lead to a fairly substantial career change as a nasty dictator. Good moustache though.


Telly Savalas: Successfully bald on both the big and small screen, then for whatever reason he decided to try singing. Entirely unnecessary. No-one was ever going to forget that he was bald.


William Shatner: Former godlike actor with a barrel chest and a non-specific speech impediment. Then he decided to do whatever the hell that is he's doing on those albums because it sure as hell isn't singing. (Bill, we love you, but seriously, stop recording albums.)

Lesson learned, MC JP McBeady No1? We thought so.

Now get your ass back to that film set: Parenthood 2: Garry's Wild Ride isn't going to make itself you know.

[Ed's Note: Again, most of these images were found on Wikimedia Commons. Apart from the public domain ones, the others are licensed under Creative Commons or GNU or they're promotional or whatever. The Vanilla Ice and Stalin pics are both public domain, Bowie's hair pic is by Elmar J. Lordemann, Justin Lee Collins' hair pic is by Martinra1966. I'm honestly not sure where the Chuck Norris ad came from. Sorry Chuck.]

BOOK REVIEW: The Power of Less - The art of limiting yourself to the essentials

Title: The Power of Less - the art of limiting yourself to the essentials
Author: Leo Babauta

UK release: 12 February

You may have heard that there is something called a credit crunch or a credit squeeze or a financial crisis or a recession or downturn or a you're-frigging-fricking-fired-now-get-down-the-dole-or-welfare-office-you-scum-sucking-feltch-monkey-because-your-boss-sure-as-hell-isn't-giving-up-that-bonus-just-because-you-worked-your-ass-off-to-get-the-company-into-profit crunch/squeeze/munch/vice-like grip/pucker-punch.

Well, what better way to wile away those myriad hours of not working than by reading a book on the Art – Yes, THE ART – of limiting yourself to the essentials.

Leo Babauta, a man whose name is as punchable as the cash-in nonsense he so obviously espouses, really knows about living on essentials because he is... well, he is... a what? A bird? A fish? A rhino? Clearly, he is some sort of invertebrate living solely on the bare bones basics.

In fact, what exactly are our essentials for that matter?

1. Air

2. Water
3. Food (The kind that doesn't poison you and isn't going to fight back. Much.)
4. Warmth
5. A sexual outlet (Inlet? Whatever, you know what I mean)

Which means the essentials boil down to being homeless, breathing, drinking from taps in supermarket toilets, making sure you hit McDonald's bins around closing time and buying a decent fucking sleeping bag while knocking one out when you feel the urge, which won't be too often as you'll be too weak.

All the while, Babauta won't be living on essentials as Babauta has the residuals from this book to keep him warm. And if the residuals don't keep him warm he'll just chuck another copy on his wood-burning stove.

Message to all writers trying to take advantage of vulnerable people by convincing them they don't know anything and then suckering them into handing over money so you can tell them they're idiots: If you want to help people, go to a butcher, have yourself cut into good size steaks and get yourself shipped to a truly impoverished nation, the kind of place where people treat essentials like water and hygeine as luxuries. And stop tripping over yourself to get hard-up people to shell out hard earned money for another book on how to save money WHEN THEY COULD BE SPENDING IT ON SOMETHING ACTUALLY ESSENTIAL, LIKE FOOD, YOU VACUOUS TURDS.

Shatner Scale: Star Trek Generations (The Death of Kirk)
Must read: NO.

Image via Wikimedia Commons, by chamo estudio, licensed under Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 License.

Oscar Guess List Part III: And the winner could possibly may be...

UK release date: 23 January 2009
Starring: Sean Penn
Director: Gus Van Sant

While the nominees haven't even been announced yet winners won't be known until 22 February 2009, we at The No Show are confident enough to pronounce one not-yet-nominated now officially nominated film as the winner on the Best Film award. Because we're just that confident.

Among the Front-Running Outsiders for an Oscar at this year's Academy Awards and Executive Valet Car Wash®, this is the one that will out-front-run the rest: Milk.

The reasons are simple:

1. According to every right wing conservative talk show host, Hollywood is run by the Pink Mafia. Milk, by definition, should be super gay friendly. Which means the Pink Mafia will vote for it, even if Anthony Hegarty thinks it's "like blackface to me … it’s a continuing Hollywood minstrel show, co-opting queer stories and perversely building up the careers of these heterosexual bastards with the plumage of effeminacies, that they can wear this plumage of effeminacies without having to really be accountable”. And despite MsMarmiteLover's view of Sean Penn as a "thin lipped miseryguts" (see comments on previous post).

2. Milk has a large cast [Ed's note: tee hee] with lots of roles for gay actors to play gay characters and wear clothes they might actually have worn in the 1970s instead of dressing up like ridiculous caricatures or Agent Smith out of The Matrix. [Ed's note: What? He's NOT gay? Really, are you sure?] The fact that the majority of the actors cast are probably not gay is neither here nor there: it's the thought that counts.

3. Milk will split the vote: The small percentage of the voting Academy that is not part of the Pink Mafia will be tripping over themselves to vote for either Kate Winslet's film or Kate Winslet's other film "Slumdog and its main rival, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button", splitting the vote and leaving Milk to pick up the majority. [Ed's note: There's only one Winslet film in the running, but the theory remains strong - that quotes from Defamer.com and they know how these things are rigged play out]

4. Milk got nothing at the Golden Globes: a sure sign of imminent victory.

5. Most important: Sean Penn is a straight playing a gay. And as everyone in Hollywood knows, if a straight plays a gay then he's truly stretching himself (and possibly his anus - depends on how Method he is as an actor) [Ed's note: Yeah, not sure about that one... yep, checked with Legal, it has to go]. This automatically makes the film more of an Acting Event and not just uber-camp panto. Which it would have been had it starred Robin Williams, but what were the chances of that happening since the lead character is neither ridiculously earnest nor psychotic? [Ed's note: I really wish Williams would go back to the good old fashioned coke-fuelled days of crazy.] On the other hand, if Penn was a straight pretending to be a gay in the sad sad way that Adam Sandler played it in Larry and Harry Pretend to be Homosexuals for Comedic and Legal Reasons, the film wouldn't even qualify for consideration.

There is only one small flaw in this argument, Bald Oscar Statue Man. We at The No Show can exclusively reveal that Sean Penn might be gay himself, which puts his performance right out of the running and may kill the film's chances as well.

Here are the two tell-tale signs:

1. Sean Penn was married to Madonna.
2. Sean Penn is a liberal.

Both point conclusively to his samesexlovingness. Denied AGAIN Penn! FAIL.

Of course, many many people are under the impression that Milk tells the tale [Ed's note: tee hee hee] of Harvey Milk, who was San Francisco's first openly gay mayor - a bit like London's Boris Johnson (who can not be gay, simply because no self-respecting gay man would let himself look anything like that) - and who was also shot.

The fact is, Milk is all about Sean Penn trying desperately to earn the Oscar that was so cruelly denied to one when he brilliantly assayed the role of the retard [Ed's note: no wait that was right] retard in I Am Sam by sticking his tongue under his lower lip and saying "uurrrrgh" occasionally. It really doesn't matter whether or not it's a great film or Sean Penn's great or Gus Van Sant is great, Milk was originally meant to star Harvey Feirstein and Penn has spent his whole career screaming "Love me! Love me! I want an Oscar" then pretending he's all anti-establishment and edgy and tough. And even though this makes Penn look and sound like a cock knocking hypocrite, we have to respect the sheer chutzpah.

Even though we haven't seen Milk, we imagine this role has Penn acting right down to the ends of the follicles in every single be-gelled and bouffanted piece of his hair, a true Hair Acting performance that goes far beyond Jeff Spicoli in Fast Times or David Kleinfeld in Carlito's Way. And we think that'll be enough to push it over the edge. From behind. [Ed's note: Ok that's just about enough of that]

So go on, support Penn. Get Milk.

[Ed's note: Milk is directed by Gus Van Sant, who played bass in Skynard before the plane crash and guitar in the E-street Band after. His directorial career has mostly involved gay people or shooting - or, in the case of Good Will Hunting, both. Everyone thinks that film was made exclusively by Damon and Affleck - that they wrote it, starred in it, produced it, did all the crew stuff and made the merchandise but no, it was Van Sant. Sadly he was forced to remove the scene where Robin Williams screams into Matt Damon's face, 'How d'ya like them apples... on your chin?' in a funny Ethel Merman voice and the scene where Affleck shoots Damon screaming "Not so clever now, are you?" Both are on the Director's Cut DVD. Ok, on OUR copy.]

Shatner Scale: Kirk
Worth Seeing: Why the hell not? Might as well have something to talk about the day after the Academy Awards and Universal Ball-Bearing Exhibition®.

Footnote: If Milk does not appear on the list of nominees for Best Film when they're announced on Thursday (22 January), we will deny all knowledge of this post ever happening.

PRE-OSCARS ROUND-UP:The Guess List (Part II)

Picking up from the first Guess List, here are yet more possible contenders for the Best Picture Award at the 2009 Academy Awards Oscars Extravaganza and International Pig Roast^®. And like every sequel, this one will take what was a good idea and drive it into the ground, with slightly less content and a lot more filler.

IN THE RUNNING (BUT ONLY JUST)

Australia
Director: Baz Luhrmann
UK release date: 26 December 2008
The moment Hugh Jackman was announced as host of the next Academy Awards ceremony, two possible and parallel universe opened up before us. In one, Australia takes every award possible except the Best Actor nod for Jackman. In the second, Australia gets nothing and Jackman isn't even nominated. And Nicole Kidman snaps in two when caught in a revolving door on her way into the event (later stitched back together with her lower half on backwards - no-one notices but it does make her thrice annual visit to the toilet a bit tricky from then on). Only time will tell if the second option comes true, but we're crossing every digit on this one. Plus a few strangers' fingers as well.

As for the film, we'll leave that to guest reviewer and our favourite Twitterer, @MsMarmitelover: "Australia one of worst films ever. Kidman, the baddies, all caricatures. Jokey 1st half, bizarre war-time 2nd half. Lots of tears, esp. Jackman." We couldn't have tweeted it better ourselves.

Verdict: It will only win if the judging panel is made up exclusively of Nicole Kidman fans. By that, we mean Nicole Kidman and her inverted lower half. Even then, it's not a lock.


The Wrestler
Director: Darren Aronofsky
UK release date: 16 January 2009
Mickey Rourke explodes in a metaphor of his life writ large on the silver screen. By which we mean he plays a broken man who gets even more broked as he goes along, meeting with other broken folks who try to salvage their broken little lives through conciliatory sex and a bit of grifting. And then he learns a life lesson by having his face and other body parts smashed into a slick, sweaty wrestling ring canvas floor time and again.

All of this is instead of a more appropriate metaphor, that of Mickey Rourke playing the part of a hugely talented actor with an ego the size of Montana who spent too much time defending his title as a hugely talented actor with his fists and even more time trying to look a bit more like Ivana Trump through the art of cosmetic surgery (or is it Melanie Griffith? Can't be sure, really, until the swelling settles sometime in 2012) , only to crawl his way back to the big stage by playing the same mumbling mumblers he always seems to play (largely because he can't really open his mouth unassisted at this point in his career). Which is all too bad because that would have made a better film.

Verdict: Won't win Best Film. Might take Best Performance by an Overstuffed Comic Action Figure.


Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Director: Woody Allen
UK release date: 6 February 2009
It's Woody's latest return to non-form. Every year, Woody "The Woodsman" Allen (not to be confused with John Holmes) has another return to non-form but this time, he's really returned to non-form with a film few people have seen but everyone agrees is a return to non-form. This time non-Woody is played by Javier Bardem who is caught between a young woman (Mia Farrow Penelope Cruise Cruz) and an even younger woman (Soon-Yee-Previn Scarlett Johannsen).

This is another in Woody's European series where he takes beautiful famous young actors to various Old Country locations and lets them play out mediocre versions of his "older, better films". All of which were populated by older less beautiful and far more talented people.

Verdict: Oscar Schmoscar, it'd take a time machine for Woody to pick up diddly from the Academy.


The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Director: David Fincher
UK release date: 6 February 2009
Every so often, Brad Pitt has to kick back and get away from the Brady Bunch at home, so he decides to makes long, long, long movies. Angelina does the same. Trust us, it's amazing how six screaming kids and a ready supply of nannies can motivate you to get up and out the house to make as many films as possible.

This year, Brad and Angie (or Angelinad, as the tabloids know them) will be going head to head. In TCCOBB, Brad plays a man who ages backwards - a little like my cousin Derek who is 27 but has the brain of a three-year-old or my uncle Dave, who is dead. At last count, the film lasts 17.5 hours, but no-one's quite sure when it begins or ends because the ends are taped together.

Verdict: A strong outsider. Simply because, hey, we need to give working parents a break. And the film kept about 1,000 people in jobs, which is what the Oscars are really about: future job security.


Changeling and Gran Turino
Director: Clint Eastwood
UK release dates: 26 November 2008 and 20 February 2009 respectively
Two films, one squint. Clint does what Clint does best: directs films, squints and wears a t-shirt. Because if you can do all three at his age, that's pretty much all you should ever do. Otherwise you might find yourself sounding like a Conservative old fart with too much time on his hands.

Verdict: The Academy will be so impressed that Clint hasn't died yet, they may give him Best Film for both and just hope he goes away for awhile.



RANK OUTSIDERS


Waltz with Bashir
Director: Ali Forman
UK release date: 21 November 2008
It's animated. Animated things don't win Best Film Oscars. Because if that happened, then what would all those huge complicated multi-layered, many actored EPICS do? They'd fade away, that's what. And from that moment on, every single actor in Hollywood would be perfecting their voiceovers and wearing sweats and baseball hats and not shaving anything anymore. Basically, all of Hollywood would look like Philip Seymour Hoffman. And The Academy won't stand for that, no sir, nuh uh.

Instead, they will continue to nominate the small indies and the worthy performances, but the Big Nod will go to the one that cost the most, hired the most people and generated bucketloads for the industry because THAT's the kind of film The Industry The Academy wants to keep on making.

Verdict: The director is Ali Forman. Which was a great fight. And remember Ali didn't win Best Film. Despite Will Smith, looking, sounding and acting nothing like Muhammed Ali. As for Waltz with Bashir, Wall.E will walk it.


The Road
Director: John Hillcoat
UK release date: No date announced yet
As the tagline says: In the most depressing time since The Great Depression comes the most depressing film this decade based on the most depressing book you'll ever read. If you want to see the abyss, to actually taste the full salty taste of hopelessness and really understand just what bleak means, then this is for you. We all love a good weep but we're not so sure about a wrist-slitting, bleach-drinking plunge into suicidal misery that only a good dose of smack can bring you out of. Definitely not The Full Monty sequel that Sony ordered.

Verdict: A maybe for Oscar-glory. And I can't wait to see Hugh Jackman's dance interpretation.


The Brothers Bloom
Director: Rian Johnson
UK release date: No date announced yet
It's like Grifters but by the bloke who made Brick. So you'll get loads of made-up words. And Rachel Weisz is in it. We can smell the Oscar. Trust us, this is the big outsider. Weisz, made-up words, Mark "Who? Oh THAT guy" Ruffalo. Watch this space. but don't bother with the film.

Verdict: If you have any money, this is the one. Seriously, we know stuff you don't. Have we ever steered you wrong before? Ok fair enough, we're totally lying.


So WHO will take the Biggest Oscar on the Biggest night of the Biggest Awards Show and Celebrity Ping-Pong Tournament^® of the Year?

Stay tuned for The No Show's pick...

[Ed's Note: Most of these images were found on the internets and some are copyright free while others are licensed under Creative Commons or GNU or they're promotional or whatever. Hope that's clear enough for everyone. Also, sorry for the rubbish caption sizes, I'm tired and it's late, so you'll just have to deal with it.]