BREAKING NO SHOW NEWS...da da da dada (that's the music)......Everyone is going NOSHOW...

ROGER EBERT:
HONORARY NOSHOW-ER

It seems that the world's third most famous film critic after The Noshow boys has decided that Noshow is the way forward. Big Rog (as we love to call him because of his massive cock) reviewed the film Tru Loved based on a mere 8 minutes.

As far as we're concerned, that was 8 minutes too long and Rog needs to see less films and have more opinions if he's ever going to get his musings on The Noshow.

THE WHOLE OF BRITAIN JOINS THE NO SHOW



It seems that the UK has gone Noshow crazy over the RossBrandgate (that's a trademarked word - use it and pay up). Millions of people who didn't hear the now-infamous radio show, nor read the transcript nor downloaded the podcast have felt moved, driven and opinionated enough to review something hadn't listened to.

We at The No Show haven't heard the show either but as we only review or preview future releases rather than things that happened in the past - for example, we wouldn't feel qualified to write a pithy critique of the Fall of the Prussian Empire or a bile-infused rant about the premiere of Ben Hur - we'd like to avail you of just some of the offerings from our fellow Noshowers around the UK:

Ethel Sparks, woman, Dorking: I haven't heard it, seen it or had any contact except what I read and I think it's mindless filth and they should both be shaved and made to eat the hair until they both get hairballs and die.

Craig Maelefaeces, artist, Crewe: While I think what they did is inexcusable, it was certainly Dadaist. Or possibly Engulfist. Either way.

Paul Daniels, no not that one, Perth: It was a f***ing disgrace what that little c**t Sachs did. Brand and Ross just telling him, straight out like a fucking man, like, that they f**ked his granddaighter, like coming clean and that. No secrets, and that. And that little c**t Sachs shops him to the police and now he's doing 10 years inside and that. It's a disgrace, has anyone got his granddaughter's number?

Maria Van Burnett, ex-man, address supplied but too boring to print: Brand and Ross are Britain's greatest entertainers and people. What has happened is just tragic. Of course, when I didn't hear the show or the podcast, I was disgusted but afterwards I put it into perspective. I've never seen anything with Russell Brand and that's why I love him so much, he's so funny. And I last saw Jonathan Ross at a music Festival in Chepstow, he was lovely and quite big. Leave them alone to entertain our kids - who will present Grand-children In Need now?

Who indeed?

CRUISE NEWS

Tom Cruise is in a new film. We haven't seen it. You haven't seen it. He doesn't look camp in any way. Here's the trailer. Review coming soon.

ALBUM REVIEW:A Hundred Million Suns by Snow Patrol

Release date:
27 October

"A Hundred Million Suns". The title alone gives you the idea of just how pointlessly pompous this record from Ireland's 17th favourite band actually is. The sun is awesome in its unique power - that's it. One sun. One. By chucking in 99,000,000 other suns, the Londis U2 hope to harness that solar energy into their wailing excuses for anthemic whining.

Their last album sold 75 squillion copies even though it contained only one syng (this is an ancient but appropriate word meaning "not quite a song"), "Chasing Cars", which was the prequel to that plump lady's ballad "Chasing Pavements" and a sequel to "Cars" by Gary Numan (Greatest Song About Cars Called Cars Ever - a real shame that the Pixar/Disney film Cars didn't use it in the soundtrack as that would have introduced a new and very impressionable generation to the joys of the Numanoid).

The lead singer of the Costcutter Corrs shares one trait with the Numanoid: they are both called Gary. This is the only interesting fact anyone can find about Gary Lightbody, the vocal stylist of the Poundshop Pogues.

This record is bound to be played on football compilation DVDs, when a player misses a penalty or on the X-Factor when some ex-Butlins red coat losing out after barely whispering their way through a full aria from Tosca, or when some WKD drinking harlot loses her back-alley shag for the evening.

If A Hundred Million Suns was hair, it'd be a really tight perm with yellow tints that someone has set fire to.

If A Hundred Million Suns was an eye, it'd be one of those wobbly one that is actually looking at you but looks like it's looking at a point over your shoulder.

If A Hundred Million Suns was a leg, it'd be Heather Mills.

If A Hundred Million Suns was an arm, it'd be one of those post-industrial accident arms.

If A Hundred Million Suns was a nose, it'd be a clown's red squeaky Patch Adams nose.

If A Hundred Millions Suns was a pair of lips, they'd be chapped and cracked and full of sores.

If A Hundred Million Suns was a penis, it'd be yellowy and shrivelled like a peanut in the sun, the balls would be hairless - maybe just flying solo. One lonely oversided bollock with a sad little face.

If A Hundred Millions Suns was vagina - it would be Barbie's vag. Smooth and redundant.

All in all if you were going out with A Hundred Million Suns, you'd dump him/her swiftly.

UPDATE:

We have been reliably informed by a Mr or Miss (or Mrs) Poot Poot that a hundred millions suns minus one sun would, in fact, be 99,999,999 suns. We apologise for the incontinence.

(And for the record, we did NOT have sex with that woman. Sorry, wrong accusation.
We did not embezzle 1,0101% of the extra suns.)


Shatner scale: Quincy cameo
Must buy: No.

FILM REVIEW: Pride and Glory

UK Release date: 7 November 2008
Starring: Ed "Hulk" Norton, Colin "Feck" Farrell, Jon "Angie I love you all is forgiven just ask the spinach" Voight


Norton: So, what do you think?

Farrell: About what, feck?

Norton: My anger. Is it angry enough?

Farrell: What the feck're you talking about, y'fecking eedjit?

Norton: In the film poster. I'm going for serious angry. Not Hulk angry, that would be too much. But not broody angry either, like in 25th Hour. That wouldn't be enough. I'm looking for something a bit Primal Fear - y'know angry with a dash of crazy - and a bit American X. Misplaced righteous angry. D'you know what I'm saying Colin?

Farrell: Feck if I do, yeh? Feck.

Voight: Ed. Eeeeed. Ed. What is the matter Ed? Edddie. Edward. Eeeeed.

Farrell: Ye've got a great big wodge o'feckin spinach in there teeth there, boyo fiddle-de-dee. Feck.

Voight: I'm playing a vagrant off Broadway in two years. Getting started on research. Ignore it. Have you seen Angelina Jolie-Pitt by the way?

Farrell: Oh yes I have and she is a feckin foine looking woman there, be'gads feck.

Voight: That's my estranged daughter you're drooling over buddy. Watch it. But yes, she is hot. And I love her dearly. Angie, if you can hear me baby all is forgiven!

Norton: Jon, do you think I've hit just the right anger notes on the Pride and Glory poster?

Voight: You have indeed. Any more angry and I'd have wet myself. Any less and I'd have punched you in the face for looking at me funny.

Norton: Good. That's good, wet yourself, that's a good balance, thanks.

Voight: What's this film about again?

Norton: You should know, you're in it.

Voight: Oh no, I don't read anyone else's lines and I have so few that I don't usually know what's going on in these roles.

Norton: Colin, do you know what it's about?

Farrell: Me? Feck me, no, fer feck's sake, I just do it fer the money and the fame and to keep meself in fags is all don't ye know fiddle-de-dee.

Norton: Great, so no-one knows what this stupid film's about. Now I'm really angry.

Voight: That's good. Go with that.

Norton: Is it? Great. Make-up! No, give me that, I'll do a better job...


Shatner rating: Denny Crane
Should I bother? Maybe. But it would have been better with Christopher Walken in the Voight role.

FILM REVIEW: Pig Hunt

UK release: 2 November

Pig Hunt. The title is just so damned tantalising. Is it about a young woman's journey of self-discovery? Or a dying man's last wishes fulfilled? Perhaps a touching tale of a young boy as he tries to recover from the loss of a parent, possibly through the intercession of a wisecrackin' ole hog?

No. It's about pigs. And hunting. But Wait™ – because it's a horror-thriller-splatter-gore-fest and turnabout's fair play and Black Sheep kicked box office and DVD rental ass and no-one can resist bacon (not even those tree-hugging vegetarian lefty types)... dum dum daaaaaah - the pigs are the ones doing the killing! OMG that is soooooo awesome!

There are only a tiny handful of very important problems with this premise:

1/ Pigs have hooves, not hands. No opposable thumbs. Which means no clever manipulation of guns or other hand-held implements. Which means Victim #5 will never get to open that barn door only to find a massive hog with a striking resemblance to Travolta in Wild Hogs (shades, bandana, etc) standing upright and firing a double barrel shotgun. Which means this is not so much about pigs that hunt as pigs that attack in groups. Like a swarm. Maybe it should be called "Swarming Pig Death". Unless it's about a boar. Because they can be nasty. Is it about a boar? It is? Then shouldn't it be called "Boar Hunt"?

2/ Pigs don't speak, which means no pithy asides, eg "Hasta la vista, bacon". And that's a shame. Sarcastic pigs would have made for a great film.

3/ Statistically, "death by pig" is more about falling pigs or undercooked pork (which might possibly have even killed Mozart) than outright pig attack.

4/ No scary pig film will ever be a truly scary pig film because the only really scary pig film was Animal Farm, with those animated walking pigs. They were just freaky. (And remember: Four legs good, Two legs bad)

5/ Deliverance has already covered the hillbilly-and-their-pigs angle. No need to revisit it in any form.

But aside from all that, there is one truly tantalising possibility that lurks beneath the surface of this title: the reaction shot as our heros, revelling in their inevitable and inexorable victory over the invading horde of hog, tucks into a victory breakfast only to find that... dum dum daaaaaah! That's right: the bacon is in fact made of people. Pig Hunt Is People! Tasty Delicious Smoked People! Thinly Sliced and Pan Fried Until Crispy People!

Mmmm. Crispy people bacon. Now I'm hungry. Damn you, bacon!

PS: The tagline on the posters for this film is "Don't Be Scared!" Is that an instruction? Because it's dumb. Surely it should say, I don't know, something like "You'll be so scared you'll shit yourself and then try to hide in your shitty pants"? Or "Be really really scared! Of pigs! Killer pigs! Woooooooooooo!"? Just a thought.

Shatner rating: Denny Crane (I secretly want this film to be great)
Should I bother? No. Because it won't be great. It's about pigs.

MUSIC REVIEW: "Safe Trip Home" by Dido Florian Cloud de Bounevialle O'Malley Armstrong

Album: Safe Trip Home
Artist: Dido Florian Cloud de Bounevialle O'Malley Armstrong
Released: November

Statistically speaking, everybody in the UK owns three albums by Florian Cloud de Bounevialle O'Malley Armstrong (yes, that is Dido's birth name). Which means no-one has to buy another Dido album until she's released a fourth. This is her third. Save your money.

If you're a spineless puddle of a person and just have to buy this, then consider this quote from The Observer in 2001: "To be called one thing and christened another is actually very confusing and annoying. It's one of the most irritating things that my parents did to me. ...Florian is a German man's name. That's just mean. To give your child a whole lot of odd names. They were all so embarrassing. ...I thought it was cruel to call me Dido and then expect me to just deal with it."

See? She's annoying. Why do you want to encourage her?

Also, consider this: Dido's music is pretty much shit. Sure, all the ingredients are there - instruments, melodies, harmonies, backing vocals, contemporary production, partial nudity, innuendo-laden lyrics ("Safe trip home" indeed - might as well have called the thing "Felching") - but it doesn't add up to a tasty treat. Stale, predictable, bad aftertaste. Like a sausage roll you regret buying when you have a hangover.

The CD cover has an astronaut in space. I'm hoping it's Dido, left to drift slowly in low orbit until gravity draws her into the atmosphere and she explodes in a blaze of fire.

"Dido" is the name of the mythical Queen of Carthage. In Virgil's Aeniad, she kills herself for love. Here's hoping this Dido follows in her footsteps.

I don't really like Dido much. And I have a headache. So I'm probably not the best person to review Dido's new album. Oh well.

Shatner Rating: Quincy cameo
Worth a listen? No (though you're going to hear it anyway and mey end up owning a copy of the CD - it's like a law or something).