The No Show

The No Show 12 Days of Christmas: Day 12

2010-12-12T23:28:00.015Z

The No Show 12 Days of Christmas

Top 12 Films We Haven't See of 2010

The Year in Review

It's been a powerful year for films we haven't bothered to see.

This was the year we discovered that stitching one human being's mouth to another's anus and then doing the same thing with another human being's mouth and the anus of that second person, merits funding, cult status and a sequel for a movie. Because you just never know what might happen when you stitch a mouth to an anus. The possibilities are endless.

We also found out that a film with as innocuous a title as "A Serbian Film" could be so seriously unpleasant that the plot description alone would make you want to vomit up the entire contents of your stomach as well as the contents of any stomachs in a five-mile radius.

And we discovered that if you really wanted to make money in movies in 2010, the average age of your audience better be under 12 years old. And failing that, the plot better be understandable at a fifth-grade level.

"But The No Show, this is all wasting our time, please tell us: what films haven't you seen this year?" you ask. Well let me tell you: lots. Lots and lots of films did not pass in front of these eyes. We saw Toy Story 3 of course, we're not monsters. And How To Train Your Dragon, because come on, it has dragons in it. But apart from that, you would be amazed how few films we bothered to see in 2010.

But of all the films not seen, the film we most didn't see but might have possibly accidently seen by osmosis without having actually seen has to be Inception.

"What are you talking about?" you ask. "Of course you saw Inception. Everybody saw Inception. It was, like, a law or something."

And that, dear readers, is the nub of the crux of the heart of the problem: five minutes after Inception was released, the first parodies were on the internets, flooding our subconscious with notions of dreams and reality and doorways and spinning tops and doughy Leonardo DiCaprio, still all baby fat after all these years (seriously, I worry about you Leo, those suits aren't helping).

Even ginormous megastar celebrity tweeters joked about it:

How could we possibly be asked to write a proper review based on absolutely no knowledge of the film if some knowledge crept into our brains just because we turned on our stupid computer? Seriously, it's a problem.

There was only one solution. Only one person affiliated with The No Show had the complete lack of knowledge of Inception that was required in order to review the film in the way it most deserved: on the basis of complete and utter ignorance.

With that in mind, we ask that you please listen closely this untainted and unexpectedly seasonal review of Inception. Enjoy.

Listen!

Watch this space

2010-11-08T22:44:00.002Z

It's been too long. And now we're back. Well, I say now. I mean soon. Love The No Show.

FILM REVIEW: The Tooth Fairy

2010-05-20T10:23:00.012+01:00

UK release date: 28 May 2010
Starring: Dwayne The Rock Johnson and a giant pooka, possibly named Harvey, definitely scarred for life.

Apparently, this film follows the story of a man with a gigantic rabbit strapped to his back.

I'm assuming this is some sort of punishment, but I'm really not comfortable guessing what the man did or how the punishment fits the crime, though I assure you I am more than capable of imagining what kind of depraved perversion it might involve and to be honest I refuse to believe that someone might be so sick as to do that kind of thing to a poor harmless rabbit and it most certainly was not consensual and frankly, I'm a bit shocked that this kind of thing is considered suitable for children.

Seriously Hollywood? You DISGUST me. I have nothing more to say on the matter.

Must-see? Did you not see what this film is about? Don't be stupid.
Shatner Scale: Off the chart bad. Shatner commercial.

FILM REVIEW: Iron Man 2

2010-04-26T15:36:00.015+01:00

UK release date: 30 April 2010
Starring: Robert Downey Jr and a delightful plate of delicious dumplings.

In a film producer's office, many years ago...

Screenwriter: Thanks for seeing me, I'm really excited about pitching this idea for -

Producer: Have you had lunch?

Screenwriter: Sorry?

Producer: Lunch. Have you had it? Because I'm starving. I'm going to order in some lunch. You go ahead, I'm listening.

Screenwriter: Right, well, here's the idea: when I was young, I loved the classic comic, Iron -

Producer (buzzing intercom): Maggie? Can you order me something? (to Screenwriter) Go ahead, I'm all over it, classic moments in ironing...

Screenwriter: Um, as I was saying, I was always a fan of classic comics and as soon as I heard an Iron Man film was in production, I started thinking about the sequel, so -

Maggie (on intercom): What do you want?

Producer (into intercom): Not sure. I'm in the mood for dumplings. (to Screenwriter) Are you hungry? Go head, I'm totally with you, classic dumpling comics sequels.

Screenwriter: Yes. I mean no, thank you, I'm not hungry. As I was saying, I'm sure someone is going to make Iron Man 2 -

Maggie (on intercom): Did you say you wanted mantu?

Producer (into intercom): What the hell's mantu?

Maggie (on intercom): It's a dumpling dish. It's popular in Central Asia and Turkey.

Screenwriter: No, wait, I didn't mean -

Producer (into intercom): Sounds perfect, go for it. (to Screenwriter) You were saying: you think it's time for Iron Mantu.

Maggie (on intercom): One Iranian Mantu. coming up.

Screenwriter: But, no... I...

Producer: I think it's a great idea. It has drama, it has action, it has flavour and it's topical. Very meaty subject matter. Something for everyone. I'm thinking... Robert Downey Jr in the lead. He's perfect: healthy but doughy. When can you show me something?

Screenwriter: *blank stare* Tuesday?

Producer: Fantastic, it's going to be huge. One thing: can we make the mantu American?

Screenwriter: Um, sure.

Producer: Excellent. (into intercom) Maggie, get me Jimmy Cameron on the phone. (to Screenwriter) I've heard he's dabbling in 3D, sounds interesting. Not sure if we're ready for 3D dumplings, to be honest, but it'll be huge anyway. Is it just me or are you as starving as I am right now?

Must-see? 3D dumplings going after terrorists? Hell. Yes.
Shatner Scale: Full-on Kirk. No question.

REVIEW: Lady Gaga - the myth (or mythter)

2010-04-19T15:08:00.018+01:00

So here's the thing: I don't know anything about Lady Gaga.

This isn't usually a problem. Normally, when I'm looking for something to review, it has to be something I've never seen or heard or read, intentionally or otherwise. It must be something I know very little about, so that nothing influences my opinion, like knowledge or enjoyment or nausea. It keeps things honest.

But the fact is that I really don't know anything about Lady Gaga. Not a thing. Nothing. Nada.

I couldn't pick Lady Gaga out of a line-up, assuming they went out and found a bunch of other people who look a bit like Lady Gaga. Then again, I'd struggle to find her if she were surrounded by a band of midget penguins and she was wearing a big sign that said "Hi! I'm Lady Gaga! Ask me how!"

So little, in fact, that I don't know where to start. But as my old writing teacher once said: "Write what you don't know". (Then again, he also smelled of poo and used mouthwash, but I still think he had a point.)

So here are the top ten things I do not know about Lady Gaga:

1. Her real name.
I'm pretty sure it's not Lady Gaga, though you never know these days. It's possible that her family - the Gagas - decided to call her "Lady" when she was born. Maybe she had delicate ladylike features as a baby. Or maybe they really liked Walt Disney and confused their newborn child with a Cocker Spaniel. If so, I feel sorry for her brother, Tramp Gaga. Both for the name and for those awkward moments when mom served up a heaping bowl of spaghetti and meatballs and told the kids to share.

2. Where she's from.
I mean originally. Not just her home town - I don't even know what country she's from. Or planet, for that matter. Even though I'm pretty sure she would pass unnoticed in Amsterdam, from what little I've read and seen about her, she could be from Pluto. Maybe she moved to Earth when Pluto was downgraded to dwarf planet, in search of whoever decided to downgrade it, so that she could smack them with what I assume would be a shiny Diamante Plutonian stiletto? Or maybe a telephone? I understand she has a thing for telephones.

3. What she looks like.
I've seen pictures captioned "Lady Gaga", but they never look like the same person. More like contestants in an International Transexual Robots of The Future contest.

I thought this was her receiving an award, but I might be wrong. I don't speak Swedish.

I do know she wears sunglasses a lot, presumably to protect her tiny Plutonian eyes from the endless flashbulbs. And I believe those sunglasses sometimes have telephones or televisions attached to them. I've seen this photo floating around, but it could be a still from a lace bukkake porn scene – and you can't even see her face so there's no way to be sure it is Lady Gaga.

4. Her gender.
I always assumed she was a she, but I've been fooled by the whole "Lady" thing before - never pleasant - so I've learned to be cautious. I've seen headlines saying things like "LADY GAGA'S GOT A PEE PEE" which I thought meant she had a weak bladder, but it could mean she has a penis, and I've also seen many trannies who look like her so maybe she is in fact a he.

For example, this could be her for all I know and I don't know whether this is a he or a she or the offspring of a he and a she and a horse - the jury is still out.

5. Her age.
She could be a very confused 16 year old boy. Or a youthful 90 year old woman. Possibly a middle aged superhero who recently retired and just can't give up the outfits. Who knows? It's very difficult to tell without more to go on. Like a birth certificate.

6. The name of any of her songs.
Seriously. Gun to my head, I couldn't name one. I don't even know if anything she's done has been in the charts, but that's less surprising since the charts are shite and I haven't looked at them for decades.

I've heard rumours that she has a song about a telephone but that's obviously a misunderstanding and they mean the 1978 classic "Hanging on the Telephone" by Blondie. So that's one myth busted.

7. The name of any of her albums.
For that matter, has she actually released a full album? I should add that to the list.

8. Whether or not she's ever actually released a full album of songs.
See above.

9. What her music sounds like.
In my mind, something about her name suggests that the music of Lady Gaga sounds like a dinosaur gargling a bunch of kittens. Others claim she could be the vocal reincarnation of Bonnie Tyler. The fact that Bonnie Tyler is not dead doesn't seem to matter.

The thing is, I may have in fact heard one of Lady Gaga's songs. Her music has probably already featured heavily in some massive ad campaign, so there's a chance, just a chance that my brain has been exposed to it at some point, even though every ad these days seems to feature "Dog Days Are Over" by Florence + the Machine. I don't watch TV much and skip ads whenever possible, but it's a powerful medium, hard to avoid.

But if I have heard a Lady Gaga song, I didn't realise and it made no impression on me. This doesn't mean that, in years to come, I won't be sitting in a retirement home, drooling down my shirt, when the young staff will pipe in some nostaligic music "from the noughties" to keep us sedate, and somewhere between Coldplay and Oasis, a Lady Gaga track will come on.

And in that brief moment, I may be lucid enough to ask: "What the fuck is this?" A nearby orderly may stop long enough to say, "That? That's Her Majesty Lady Gaga old man - where've you been?" At which point I will lunge for his throat and my blanket will become tangled in his hoverboard, dragging me to a horrible but long-overdue death.

Apparently, the following is an example of Lady Gaga music - and it's not the only one. But if her music actually provokes this kind of behaviour in young and defenceless children (even those wearing what can only be described as a totally awesome ensemble), then I'm really surprised something hasn't been done to stop her/him/it. Some kind of restraining order or something. Anything, really.

10. Why she's popular.
The thing is, most of the time, I understand the reasons behind empty fame. Paris Hilton (boring zombie-green sex tape followed by not caring about boring zombie-green sex tape), Lindsay Lohan (onset of sudden lesbianism), Jamie Oliver (fat tongue and subsequent potential for mockery of same), Prince Harry (red-headed royal most likely to be involved in a bizarre self-immolation incident) - I get it, some people with no demonstrable skills are famous for being famous. But popularity usually requires a combination at least two of the following:

Charm
Talent
Sex appeal

From what little I know, Lady Gaga struggles to tick even one of these boxes. No charming personality. No talent to leave a lasting impression. And so sexless that three pieces of duct tape and a bit of lace suffice for a modest wardrobe. Why the popularity?

The answer is clear as the flimsy gauze barely covering Lady Gaga's cha-cha: she's popular because she's not real. She's a fiction, a product of mass hallucination on the part of a world desperate for good news and uncomplicated entertainment. She is an empty vessel. She is a half-baked fashion magazine come to life.

What does all of this mean for my No Show review of Lady Gaga? Simple: Lady Gaga does not exist. And because she does not exist, there is nothing for me to review. QED.

My work here is done.

PS: Based on The Usual Suspects ("The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing he world he didn't exist") and following on from the above, there is another possibility: Lady Gaga is the Devil. QED. Or possibly Bonnie Tyler. Either way, hide your children.

INTERVIEW: James Cameron, Emperor of Everything

2009-12-11T08:17:00.011Z

An exclusive interview with James Cameron, Emperor of Everything on his latest James Cameron Epic Motion Picture™: AVATAR

Now that the James Cameron Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar has taken over as the Greatest James Cameron Epic Motion Picture™ Ever Made and James Cameron himself has been crowned Emperor of Everything, it's only fitting that The No Show track him down and ask him the hard hitting questions that everyone is too scared to ask for fear that he will crush them with his withering stares and his personal army of Terminators (they're totally real by the way).

_________________________

The No Show:
So James - may I call you James?

The Disembodied Voice of James Cameron, Emperor of Everything:
You may refer to me as James Cameron, Emperor of Everything.

The No Show:
I'm sorry...?

TDVoJC (EoE):
Please refer to me by my given name, James Cameron, Emperor of Everything.

The No Show:
That's going to eat into a lot of our interview time.

TDVoJC (EoE):
Don't worry your pretty little head about it. After all, I'm a Master of Time and Space.

The No Show:
Master of Time?

TDVoJC (EoE):
And Space, yes. All Canadians are, but they're too polite to really use the skill. Those that do become incredibly successful for almost no reason whatsoever, of course. Think about it: Jim Carrey, Mike Myers, Alanis Morissette - what have they done to deserve their success?

The No Show:
That does explain a lot.

TDVoJC (EoE):
Absolutely. Just look at my previous Epic Motion Picture™ Titanic - that flew by for millions of viewers around the world, right? And yet it clocked in at an epic 19 hours long. No-one even noticed because I squeezed it into a paltry three hours and 17 minutes.

The No Show:
It still felt pretty long.

TDVoJC (EoE):
So if we're running short on time, I'll bend time and space to make sure you get in all your questions. So long as I approve of the questions. Otherwise, I'll rewind time and refuse this interview. And then make sure you achieve none of your lifelong ambitions. I will also un-invent the internet if you bug me. Just to make sure.

In fact, if you do, say or suggest anything of which I do not approve, in addition to killing every pet you have ever owned, I will travel back to your early twenties and sleep with your first serious girlfriend, little... [loud electrical disturbance] Mary McGoogle. My she was a hottie wasn't she?

The No Show:
...

TDVoJC (EoE):
[loud electrical disturbance] Oh yes she was. I just went back and did her anyway. Twice. Just to show you I mean business. You should call her up and ask her. She probably wouldn't take your call though. Once you go Disembodied Master of Space and Time, you never go back, as they say. On the bright side, you'll find you have now never had crabs. You're welcome.

The No Show:
So, your film, Avatar, has been breaking records all over the place -

TDVoJC (EoE):
Do you mean my Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar?

The No Show:
Yes, the film -

TDVoJC (EoE):
- my Epic Motion Picture™ -

The No Show:
- Avatar has done major box office -

TDVoJC (EoE):
My Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar is has been are doing precisely the box office I am are making it do. Done. Sorry, tenses get a bit squiffy with time travel.

The No Show:
Did your plans include being knocked off the top spot in the US by Dear John, by all accounts a soppy romance with virtually no story and no big Hollywood names?

TDVJC (EoE):
Yes. This was exactly as I made it happen. My Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar beat the record box office run established by my previous Epic Motion Picture™ Titanic, and my next Epic Motion Picture™ will beat my current Epic Motion Picture™ and so on and so forth. It's a long-term strategy.

The No Show:
And you made this happen...?

TDVoJC (EoE):
Absolutely. I manipulated time and space, went back and forth, checked out the films that were due to be released around this time and chose Dear John, which was the least threatening.

Then, late at night while everybody was sleeping, I crept into their rooms and whispered, "You will go see Dear John this weekend. You will go see Dear John this weekend. This will not affect your unquestioning devotion to James Cameron's Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar." Lo and behold, my Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar drops to second place. And this way, no-one even noticed that my Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar had virtually no story.

As for the Epic box office performance of my Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar, well, what can I say? I've always done well with sequels.

The No Show:
Sequel?

TDVJC (EoE):
Well, technically my Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar is the fourteenth in a series.

The No Show:
But Avatar -

TDVJC (EoE):
- my Epic Motion Picture™ Avatar -

The No Show:
Whatever, it wasn't a sequel.

TDVJC (EoE):
Of course it was, the first one bombed, don't you remember? Then I did all those test screenings, made the Na'vi skinny and half-naked, gave the female ones pert little Shakira-like breasts and - oh no, of course you don't. Silly me, always forgetting these things. Interesting story: in fact, this is the fourteenth release of the film, you just don't remember them. I kept going back in time, simplifying the story, making it more familiar and comfortable for audiences and adding more partial nudity and explosions and special effects until BAM, I had a multi-million dollar hit on my hands. Simples.

The No Show:
Is that why the film -

TDVJC (EoE):
- Epic Motion Picture™ -

The No Show:
- has been described as a mix between Pocahontas, The Dark Crystal and the Smurfs, but for adults?

TDVJC (EoE):
[loud electrical disturbance]
... I'm sorry, what were you saying?

The No Show:
... Hm, that's funny, I don't remember.

TDVJC (EoE):
That's fine. You were asking how it feels to have created what many are calling the most Epic cinematic experience since my last Epic Motion Picture™ Titanic.

The No Show:
Was I? I don't recall...

TDVJC (EoE):
No problem. It feels great.

The No Show:
Um OK, thanks for taking the time to speak with us.

TDVJC (EoE):
My pleasure. And remember: my next Epic Motion Picture™, The Little Mermaid, comes out next year. And it will be in 4D, a technology I haven't even invented yet, but I'm confident I'll be able to borrow from somewhere in time and claim as my own with a few very minor tweaks.

The No Show:
The Little Mermaid? You mean like the Disney –

TDVJC (EoE):
[loud electrical disturbance]
... I'm sorry, what were you saying?

The No Show:
Um, sorry, I've lost my train of thought. In any case, we've run out of time, so I'll just say thanks to the Disembodied Voice of James Cameron, Emperor of Everything, and we look forward to what I'm sure will have been your next biggest Epic Motion Picture™ ever.

TDVJC (EoE):
Now you're getting it.

The No Show:
By the way, I loved Citizen Kane.

TDVJC (EoE):
Thanks. I was particularly proud of that one.

FILM REVIEW: 2012

2009-11-10T13:43:00.016Z

UK release date: 13 November 2009
Starring: John Cusack and a bunch of other people we're going to assume are just paying the bills

It's a film. Called "2012". I totally haven't seen it. As usual. And since the posters don't have any amateur athletes getting blown away by some evil terrorist organisation that's totally trying to get rid of major global sporting events forever, I'm guessing this isn't some Olympics-based mega-action thriller.

That only leaves one option. Time travel. And that sucks.

Why? Because if you're going to spend all that time and money to build a freaking time machine, if you're going to give up any chance you might have had to hook up with that hot girl who lives next door that you've always secretly wanted to lick just to see what hotness tastes like, if you're going to absolutely guarantee that you will never get that big career break that you always wanted but that was being held up by an ancient co-worker who just refuses to die or retire, and you do all that to create a machine that could take you ANYWHERE or ANYWHEN, then why in the name of all that is horny would you go to 2012?

Dude, that's like TWO YEARS from now.

Why not go back 43 minutes? That's what I'd do. Just so I could avoid getting on to that lift and letting rip with that very evil and very ripe one I just couldn't hold in. (I swear it wasn't intentional. Honestly. Even I thought it was nasty and I kind of like my own stink so I can only imagine how horrifying it must have been for the seven other people stuck in there with me.)

Or maybe I'd go back to last night when I ordered that curry in the first place, so I could change my mind, maybe get something healthy instead of something that turned me into a freaking leaky toxic dump of olfactory death.

Or better yet, I'd jump forward by about 100 years, when I'm pretty sure that everyone that was with me on that lift would be good and dead and any trace of the smell from that lift would be long gone (or at least so faint that you'd only really smell it if you found the lift, buried your face deep into the fabric covering the floor and took a deep sniff).

But two years? That thing would still be lingering in the lobby of the building, looking for someone else to disgust.

Sure, Doc Brown only sent Einstein ahead in time by one minute, but that was just a test. Plus, it was a dog. And the dog didn't even realise what had happened. And then Marty McFly and Doc Brown were all like 'Hey, we need to go back in time and then forward in time and then back again' and generally all over the joint in those three films. Sometimes they were even in the same place and time as their earlier selves who didn't even know they were there. Which is, like, WHOA. And we don't even know how many times the dudes jumped when the cameras weren't rolling. Plus they rebuilt the stupid DeLorean as an awesome train. Now that is time travel.

Jesus, even Bill and Ted went all over the place. And picked up passengers. And their time machine was held together with freaking chewing gum. And they were idiots. I mean come ON.

And what about Bruce Willis? Dude wasn't even in charge of his time travel and he moved around way more, hell he even managed to get shot in one time, have his picture taken there and then have the bullet removed in another time and made damned sure his hot girlfriend totally saw the awesome photograph form World War I. Yes, yes, he totally screwed the whole "stop the plague" thing from happening because he got all caught up in a monkey thing, but who wouldn't, am I right? It was MONKEYS. And he was pretty shook up. From the time travel. Totally forgivable.

Anyway, not impressed, 2012 time travelling film-making dudes. Not impressed.

But at least we can all learn something: if you're thinking about jumping around in time, try jumping at least 30 years, so the clothes will have changed. Because I'm guessing Uggs are still going to be around in 2012. And I fucking hate Uggs.

Must-see? No. Just wait two years and you'll find out what happens anyway.
Shatner Scale: Off the charts. We're talking unauthorised Shatner biography here.

MUSIC REVIEW: Foot of the Mountain by A-Ha (Part 1)

2009-07-04T13:00:00.000+01:00

UK Release Date: 13 July 2009

When news reached The No Show headquarters that A-Ha has a new album coming out (Foot of the Mountain), we were surprised. So surprised that we felt this surprise could only be captured via the always surprising medium of comic. So we whipped together a stunningly beautiful piece of comic art with which we hoped to surprise you in much the same way. Then we were surprised to find that Blogger sets size limitations on uploads. Not surprisingly, this makes reading our beautiful comic a bit of a challenge, as you can see:

"A-Ha!" we said. "We know how to get around this!"

And so we uploaded the bugger to Twitpic.com. Because Twitpic doesn't mess around with stupid size limitations.

Click here for the larger, more readable version. On our best friend, Twitpic.

Then, if you like, come back here. Or stay there. Whatever, we're not your mother.

Must hear? Not sure yet. Waiting to find out what Alan Partridge thinks. Stay tuned.
Shatner Scale: TJ Hooker. We kinda liked "Take On Me", but "Hunting High and Low" was annoying.

Editor's note: "Photos" used in the comic were "mashed-up" from the "internet" for the purposes of "satire" which we think means they qualify as "fair use" but if you "own" one of the images let us know if you think they have been used "inappropriately" or something, and we'll see what we can "do".

MEGA REVIEW: The Top Seven Movies The No Show Will Not Be Seeing This Summer

2009-06-23T22:32:00.005+01:00

Despite all evidence to the contrary, it is summer. That means it's time for MegaBig Multimillion Dollar Blockbuster Powerhouses with Extra Power and Explosions and Nudity and Merchandising and Hilarious Porn Films That Take the Original Blockbuster's Name and Make it Sound a Bit Dirty.

It also means it's time for...

The Top Seven Movies The No Show Will Not Be Seeing This Summer

Per The No Show rules, of course, we haven't seen any of these films, but they're so special that we're definitely not going to see any of them. No question.

1. Terminator: Salivation
UK Release Date: 3 June 2009

As movie timelines goes, this pretty much sucks. They should have stuck to the Back to the Future Formula for Time-Travel Film Success: good one, rubbish one, Western one. (Or the Seven Samurai Formula for Success in Everything: Good Original Japanese one, Pretty Good Western copy, Every Other Rubbish one).

Instead, Terminator goes all serious. Except it's not. It's Kindergarten Cop versus Batman. In the future. Directed by the Charlie's Angels guy. Not sure why anyone would want to see a film that follows the plight of the Terminators and their struggles with rust and the perils of excess salivation due to old age, but what do I know?

If this film were a bag, it would be: A man's clutch bag, something that people get excited about every few years but then shove in a cupboard in sheer embarrassment

Box-office final figure: £1bn (in nachos alone)

Porno version: Sperminator: Lubrication

2. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
UK Release Date: 19 June 2009

First, if you're a giant fuckoff robot killing machine from another planet, you don't disguise yourself as a giant driverless fuckoff robot killing machine truck/ helicopter/ missile from outer space. Try a pirate costume or a knight or a chef or a Scottish fucking housekeeper or a spooky fairground owner.

Second, why "The Revenge of the Fallen"? Why not "Transformers 2"? I'll tell you why. Because when you're Producer Director God Michael Bay, you never do what the audience expects. Just when your audience is expecting something to explode like BAM! you explode it like BOOM! You explode that thing in a totally different way. They never expect that.

With this in mind, Bay will no doubt be exploding things in new and exciting ways for years to come, in future titles like:

Transformers: The Passion of the Optimus Prime
Transformers: 120 days of Sodom (Japanese release only)
Transformers: Battleship Potemkin 2 (this time it turns into a big fucking yellow robot)

Box-office final figure: £575m (unless the summer weather finally turns up and children rediscover the joys of Swingball, in which care it'll earn around £3.75)

If this film were a bag, it would be: A really expensive colostomy bag. Overflowing. With no one to empty it ever. Then it would explode. (BAM!)

Porno version: Transgenders: Slice off the ballbag

3. Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs
UK Release Date: 1 July 2009

This is exactly the same story as Terminator if you replace Arnie with Ice and Sarah and John Connor with a mammoth, a tiger and a squirrel or whatever the hell that scrawny acorn junkie is supposed to be. In the first one, the ice travels through time to kill them and they run away. In the second one, the ice is even more dangerous because it's melting, just like the Terminator in Termintor 2, and now in three, things are rising just like in Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. I realise this ice age title says "dawn" but that's pretty much the same thing as rising. Plus, it features dinosaurs, just like Arnie in Terminator 3 .[Ed's note: ZING!]

This means we can look forward to Ice Age 4 in the years ahead, which will be all serious and star Christian Bale and be called something like Ice Age: Ice Ice Baby, featuring a giant murderous prehistoric Vanilla Ice.

If this film were a bag, it would be: A magic bag full of your crushed hopes and dreams.

Box-office final figure: A bag of magic beans that turn into a bean stalk.

Porno version: Spice Age: Porn of the (Spearmint) Rhino Whores
[Ed's note: And that's how to stretch a not veyr funny gag, ladies and g'men]

4. Public Enemies
UK Release Date: 1 July 2009

Not sure it was wise to hire Johnny Depp and Christian Bale to take the lead roles in what we assume is a fictionalised account of the rise of Public Enemy, but who are we to question Michael Mann? After all, this is the director who brought us Miami fucking Vice. I for one can't wait to see Bale bringing down the house with his version of "Pollywanacraka" or "Bring the Noise" as Depp cold-lamps behind him shouting "Are you aware of what time it is?"

One thing though: just because Christian Bale has a bad case of serious face doesn't mean he has to be in everything. However, the fact that Johnny Depp is in it means we're guaranteed meaningless sequels like Public Enemies: Voyage to the End of the Abyss or Public Enemies: Arrgh Arrgh, I've Got a Parrot.

If this film were a bag, it would be: A scrotum. Thin and rubbery and containing two bollocks.

Box-office final figure: Anywhere between £2.00 and £25,000,000. Rounding up.

Porno version: Pubic Enemas. EASY!!!

5. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
UK Release Date: 15 July 2009

I don't understand: is this actually going to star Prince? What does he have to do with Harry Potter? And are they calling him half-blood as part of some racist ploy to get tabloid attention?

If this does star Prince - and we at The No Show are in no position to confirm or deny this - I expect complaints. After all, this is the man who sang about a girl named Nikki who was a "sex queen" who he met "in a hotel lobby masturbating with a magazine". Is this the kind of thing we want to show our kids? They say these were the books that got our kids reading again. No wonder they're all such fucking spasmo hoodie knife-crazy fucknuts. Ban this sick filth.

If this film were a bag, it would be:
A wizard's sleeve. Make of that what you will.

Box-office final figure:
Every single penny in the known universe, leaving JK Rowling so wealthy she will be granted ownership of the Isle of Wight, just in case she ever tries to withdraw her money from the bank.

Porno version:
Hairy Putter and the hard wood ponce [Ed: That really is bloody rubbish.]

6. G-Force
UK Release Date: 31 July 2009

All you need to know is this. The G stands for "gerbils". The Force stands for "force". If you've seen Ultimate Force with Ross Kemp or Ross Kemp on Gangs, this is like those, except replace Ross Kemp with a gerbil and everything else with loads more gerbils. That's it.

It's like an animated Mission Impossible with gerbils in which the gerbils have to escape through Tom Cruise's back door [Ed's note: Back door can mean two things and we definitely mean the hard wooden one that closes off the end of Tom's long passage. And yes, we know how that sounds but really, that's you, not us.]

If this film were a bag, it would be: A brown paper bag. Innocent on the outside but full of filth on the inside.

Box-office final figure: 18p (or however much pocket money seven-year-old children get these days)

Porno version: G-Spot Force (they just make it too easy)

7. Land of the Lost
UK Release Date: 31 July 2009

Will Ferrell. Anna Friel. Dinosaurs. Time-travelling robots. Once again, a TV show no-one remembers becomes a film no-one will see. It's The English Patient all over again*.

Land of the Lost will undoubtedly be a work of cataract-inducing arse candy, like a Brendan Fraser film where you replace Brendan Fraser with a giant cancerous tumour and the action swirls around the cancerous tumour for two hours telling the kinds of jokes that wouldn't even make it in an Adam Sandler film. A film so bad I can't even be bothered to track down a picture of Will Ferrell's head and stick it on the body of Benjamin Linus (from Lost) and then add a badly drawn picture of a dinosaur gnawing on his testicles. You'll just have to imagine it.

If this film were a bag, it would be: One of the blue ones you get from corner shops that rip instantly.

Box-office final figure: Nothing It will be the first major blockbuster since Speed Racer to be seen by absolutely no one.

Porno version: Labia of the lust 2: Spunk in my hair.

7. GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra
UK release date: 7 August 2009

I used to play with GI Joe when I was kid, except in Great Britain we called him "Action Man". Which is unfortunate because instead of sounding like a powerhouse of military might, he sounded like some kind of slimy plastic swinger looking for a good time on a Saturday night.

If the directors of this piece of genius follow the story that I came up with for my GI Joe/Action Man, Joe will fall off a roof, be rescued by Han Solo and Steve Austin, get a spaceship to rescue a teddy bear who is being held prisoner by a dragon and/or a football who was like a terrifying blob monster if my mum asked. When Joe arrives he is kidnapped and tied to a chair and me and Barry Teller, my next door neighbour, shot him with an air rifle. Then I took Joe inside and we watched The Clangers and ate Mojos.

If they follow that storyline to the letter, this film will rule and be awesome. But they won't. They never do.

If this film were a bag, it would be: A school lunchbag. The kind that looks just cool enough for Billy Faversham to steal from you at lunchtime because Barry Teller won't help defend you and he's an idiot.

Box-office final figure: A gajamzillion dollars.

Porno version: GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra already sounds like a porn film

* You didn't know? The English Patient started out as a sitcom, but didn't really work. Turns out people really don't find burn victims funny. However, Willem Dafoe did steal the show as David Caravaggio, the thumbless thief . His hilariously ironic catchphrase "I'm all thumbs" took the world by storm. Especially in some of the more literal Middle Eastern countries, where thumb removal quickly became the punishment of choice for thieves, just so those enforcing the law could shout the catchphrase. It continued to draw appreciative applause from the crowds for years afterwards.

Also: all these photos were found on Wikimedia Commons. Some rights apply, or something.

FILM REVIEW: Moon

2009-06-15T01:08:00.013+01:00

UK release date: 17 July 2009
Starring: Sam Rockwell and Kevin Spacey

Duncan Jones (aka Zowie Bowie, son of David Bowie). Sam Rockwell. Kevin Spacey (as the voice of the robot). The Moon. Put them all together and what have you got?

A recipe for one of the gayest romps ever to hit the big screen.

That's right ladies and gentlemen, they've only gone and done it: Moon will be the first film that finally - *finally* - explores the much-discussed-but-never-featured-in-a-mainstream-Hollywood-production love-that-dare-not-beep-its-name between a man and his robot.

It's been a long time coming [Ed's note: please refrain from bad sex-based puns]. After all, robots are totally gay. Just ask Bender. [Ed's note: Seriously. Stop it.]

Sure, we've all seen the erotic adventures of gay androids (gaydroids) in space (Star Wars). And we've certainly had same-sex couples in space (Han and Chewy, Han and Leia). And we've even had same-sex sentient animal-robot love (Chewy, C3PO). But this is the first time anyone has dared explore the nuts and bolts [Ed's note: final warning] of a hot and oily human-robot gay love affair in space.*

Oh sure, some have tried to tackle the subject in metaphor, but it's never been convincing or erotic enough. For example, the various Terminator models were obviously just mechanical stand-ins for big ol' leather-clad bulls looking for a good time on a 20th-century Saturday night. (Sometimes a cigar really isn't a cigar, is it Arnie? Sometimes, it's just a big stinky penis metaphor.)

And I'm pretty sure we all knew what HAL 9000 was after when he whispered, "Daisy, Daisy/Give me your answer do/I'm half crazy/all for the love of you" while slobbering over "a bicycle built for two", evoking images of daisy chains and hot, sweaty, throbbing red spots.

Until now, no-one has had the courage to turn the spotlight on the electromomechanosexual in us all.

Some would argue that society isn't ready for gay robot-man love. They would point to the fact that Adam Sandler's comedy pilot "Gay Robot" was never aired. They would be wrong. That show never aired because it was shit and based on a shit sketch from one of Sandler's shit albums. One horny gay robot trying to convince heterosexual human males to gay him. And I'm going to assume there was at least one joke involving a vacuum cleaner.

These naysayers are the same people who failed to see the love that blossomed between Dr Smith and The Robot in Lost in Space. The same people who ignored the undercurrents of rusty interracial love in Short Circuit.

Moon will set the record straight [Ed's note: I'll let that one go]. Based on the very little information we bothered to look up, apart from the title and the cast and the fact that it wasn't a biopic on Moon Unit Zappa, this film sees Moon-based miner Sam Rockwell probing for helium deep into the inner untouched parts of the Moon. [Ed's note: Seriously, enough.]

If that isn't sexy enough, he's alone and sweaty on the moon with a robot. A sexy, lonely robot voiced by Kevin Spacey who may not be gay but who is certainly prepared to stretch himself for his art. [Ed's note: Ok, that's bordering on unpleasant.]

Having not seen the film, we can only assume that the unspoken love between these two beings follows the tried and tested accepted

Hollywood Rules for Gay Love in Films, which are as follows:

1. Unspoken glances between same-sex persons are acceptable so long as one character looks uncomfortable with the situation.

2. Characters may brush up against each other by accident, but only crotch to butt - crotch to crotch brushes are not acceptable, even when one of the characters is metal. Lingering finger- to-metal digit contact will be tolerated. However, insertion of either digit into any part of the other being will cause the whole thing to be shut down.

3. Same-sex kisses must be quick, dry and inherently unsexy, usually followed by extreme hugging, hair tussling and, if pushing the boundaries, awkward and frankly ridiculous neck licking. In the case of gay man-gaydroid love, care must be taken as this may lead to electrocution and/or short circuiting. Under no circumstances will nipple/bolt licking be tolerated.

4. Gay sex encounters must be inherently seedy. Back alleyways [Ed's note: careful], cubicles in public toilets and tents on a mountainside are acceptable. Romantic settings with beds and sheets and candles and same sex couples are typically only seen when the same sex couple is female and there is usually another person watching and/or filming nearby. Probably in a closet with those slats they can peek through. And they usually join in eventually.

5. Gay sex encounters between men must border on violent - like really aggressive wrestling - and almost fully clothed. Unless you're Oliver Reed, in which case gay sex involves actual naked wrestling on a carpet in front of a large fire.

6. Spitting on the hand is now considered taboo because most non-gay persons didn't know what the hell it implied when Heath Ledger did it in Brokeback Mountain until it was too late. (See also Rule #3, re: electrocution)

Ultimately, this potentially groundbreaking epic will be let down not by its exploration of an unspoken moment between two sentient beings with similar genitalia, but by the sci-fi nerds in the audience who will giggle themselves to death while shouting "Danger Will Robinson" every time the Spacey gaydroid looks longingly at Sam Rockwell.

My only hope is that the ad campaign features Rockwell's builder's butt gracing billboards across the UK, revealing a tattoo that reads "All your butts are belong to us", enticing the audience in with the promise of the electromomechanical love that shall not beep its binary code. Maybe then this unnecessary taboo can be put to rest at long last.

It's not much, but it would be a start.

Must-see? Absolutely. This film must be given all the support it can, for the rights of gaydroids today and tomorrow.
Shatner Scale: TJ Hooker. Because he could have been a gaydroid.

*Battlestar Galactica doesn't count. There were no gay Cylons, just threesomes with two female Cylon models. Which is totally not gay.

FILM REVIEW: Inglourious Basterds

2009-05-21T14:27:00.007+01:00

UK release date: 21 August 2009
but it's already premiered at Cannes so there's plenty of time to rubbish it completely before it ever sees the light of day here
Starring: Bradley Pitts and some less famous, less good-lookin' folks

Tarantino's fetish for all things Irish has finally come full circle. At long last, he's produced the film he's been threatening to make since he first exploded onto the cinematic screen with Riverdance Dogs, Jackie O'Brown, Kilkenny Bill and Kilkenny Bill 2 - to say nothing of his original Irish classic, Pulp Fecktion.

Now, he turns his attention to the little filmed, often debated, Irish-only sport of Hurling - a sort of cross between Rollerball, croquet, lacrosse and crochet. [Ed's note: We've never actually seen hurling being played. Or even pictures of it being played. To be honest, we might have made up this sport during one of our heavier drinking sessions. Independent verification would be appreciated.]

The film follows the ups and downs of the Inglourious Basterds, Ireland's worst ever hurling team (the title refers to the tiny Irish village of Inglourious and the hilarious fact that the Irish can't spell) - these guys just can't hurl.

As Tarantino might write in one of his trademark, self-indulgent, overly wordy, full-fat, static piece of "laugh at my own jokes" movie referencing monologues: 'These guys are the Liz Hurley of Hurling. Sure, you'd fuck 'em but you wouldn't put them in a remake of Bedazzled, because the 1969 Pete and Dud original was like fucking awesome and then, they stick fucking Liz Hurley as the Devil and, like Brendan 'Lantern jaw....' and so on.

Professional cinematic dreamboat, Lothario and international child gatherer Bradley Pitts plays a former Hurling grand master who was also once a member of the IRA (Sports Violence Division). He wants a shot at redemption and realises that coaching the Inglourious Basterds may be his final shot.

Along the way, he'll have to defeat his demons, spout a lot of meaningless movie in-jokes and train this team of lacklustre losers to beat rivals such as the Waterford Wankers, the Drogheads Dickwads, the Cork Suckers (funny, funny Quentin) and the Tipperary Twats.

This being a Tarantino "sports violence" movie, we see the Basterds' victory right at the beginning and Pitts is only introduced halfway through but is constantly referenced in the way Sergio Leone used to do in his films and that.

There's also a ridiculously hip and ironic soundtrack featuring La Roux, Senor Coconut, Black Flag and Sinitta. And of course, the meaning of "So Macho" is discussed at length, a la the "Like a Virgin" bit in Riverdance Dogs, as Tarantino shifts from referential to self-referential and comes very close to disappearing up his own meta-arsehole.

And won't that be funny when it's quoted ver-fucking- batim back at you in the pub? Yes, all the Tarantino trademarks are here and no Blarney stone of cinematic cliche is left unturned.

The writer/director says that this will be the first in a trilogy of "Micksploitation" cinema, in the grand tradition of Leprechaun, Leprechaun 2 : One Wedding and Lots of Funerals and The Magical Legend of the Leprechauns (for which Colm Meaney was forced to apologise to all of Ireland under threat of losing his nationality).

Tarantino will be following Inglourious Basterds with Da Lidl People, about midget supermarket workers who start a motorcycle gang and then Limerick Licking Lesbians, his first (and pray to your own god, last) excursion into porn.

At least, that's what we think it's about. Based on the posters and stuff. Remember, we haven't actually seen it or anything.

Must-see? To be sure, to be sure (because that's what Irish people say, don't they?)
Shatner Scale: Kirk (and nothing ever gets that)

Pictures courtesy of Wikimedia Commons. Some terms and conditions apply, but we can't figure them out.

THE NO SHOW GUIDE TO SPOTTING COUNTERFEIT DVDs

2009-05-20T15:14:00.001+01:00

In accordance with The No Show rules, we don't usually buy DVDs or spend any money on seeing any of the films we review or support the industry in any way, shape or form. But the last time we bought a DVD, we've discovered something. And what we discovered shocked and horrified us.

Apparently, people are making counterfeit DVDs and then selling them on to unsuspecting punters.

But the shocking horror doesn't end there.

If the authorities are to be believed - and we always believe whatever the goverment or any highly-paid organisation in the pocket of big business tell us - some of the money being spent on these fake DVDs is being used to fund terrorism.

We're not sure what kind of terrorism that might be. Perhaps it pays for the terrorist's clothes, maybe their backpacks, or even the cell phones on which they record their terrifying messages to be broadcast on terror websites for other terrorists and media outlets.

For all we know, maybe the DVDs themselves are a kind of terrorism, scaring us with their poor quality and stopping us from enjoying the freedoms that some of our grandparents might have fought for if they were in one of the bigger, more important wars, the ones that were actually about freedom and not about oil or sand or religion or which kind of headgear is appropriate for women.

Once we discovered that the DVD we held in our hands might in fact be both funding terror fashion AND frightening innocent entertainment consumers with its terrifyingly poor quality, we knew we had to act.

On closer inspection, we found some telltale indicators that may in fact indicate the DVD in question was a questionable conterfeit, by all indications.

With this in mind, we present:
The No Show Guide To Spotting Counterfeit DVDs.

For the purposes of this Guide, we'll be using a copy of Gilmore Girls Season 4 DVD, which we bought with joy in our hearts from a well known online auction site, whose name rhymes with peeBay.

Keep in mind that we are trained professionals and that the counterfeiting pirates are cunning cons, with their eye patches and rolling DVD copying centres roaming the high seas.

Do not be ashamed or embarrassed if you miss some of the things we are about to point out.

As you can see from the cover, there was no reason to suspect anything was wrong when we opened the DVD. It looked just like any other DVD we might buy, with the title written in words and a photographs of the two delightful stars of the show. But then we began to notice things that made us think this DVD might not have been sanctioned by the honest and sensible people in Hollywood who took the time to make this show and broadcast it for all to enjoy.

First, we noticed something funny about which season the DVD was from. Season 2? Season 4? It confused us, and set our No Show senses tingling, though at this point we were happy to accept it was human error.

Something else caught our eye. We couldn't quite place it, but something wasn't right. Then we had it: the chunky non-English language bit under the title, possibly Chinese, maybe Japanese, we didn't know but it looked damned odd on this all-American TV series.

However, we knew that one of the characters (Lane) was Korean; we figured it was just possible that this was some sort of homage to her, since she features prominently in Season 4. If it was Season 4. We weren't sure because of that mix up at the top of the box.

It wasn't until we turned the box over that we began to really suspect there might be something piratey about this DVD.

Spelling mistakes. Horrible grammar. Poor kerning. Haphazard gaps and slapdash sub-editing. Easily missed by Joe or Jane Layperson but all clear indicators of the pirate to the trained eye. Plus a huge paragraph in Chinese or possibly Japanese or maybe even Korean taking up about a third of the back cover. It was at this point that we were overtaken by a horrible feeling that we were being terrorised.

But it didn't end there.

(And at this point, I should specify that I noticed everything that followed. My No Show co-star was overcome with grief that he might have funded terrorism. He immediately closed his eyes to avoid seeing anything else that might support terrorism and hasn't opened them since. It's making things difficult for him, but I admire his commitment.)

Beyond the horribleness of the typos, I noticed some clearly factually incorrect information. The kind of incorrect information that the pirates knew was incorrect and felt so guilty about that they couldn't even spell "information" correctly on the box (see typos above).

These blatant errors are as follows:

1. "Star5s Falls": Not only a typo, but everyone knows the Gilmore Girls live in Star's Hollow. Stupid pirates.

2. "the two share... a taste for literature": No they do not. They share a taste for bad films, bad food and bad men. Rory is the one who likes to read. Her mother may in fact be illiterate.

3. Kirk: The pirate text suggests that the emotional life of the Kirk character is important enough to highlight on the box. It is not. He is the court jester of the piece, a delightful loser. The pirates obviously sympathise with him. Because they are also losers. Terrifying losers.

4 and 5b. Subtitles: Make up your minds pirates! Is it "English, Francais and Espanol" or "English, French, Arabic, Hebrew"? You're not fooling me in ANY language.

6. Region 1: Lies, lies and more lies. Like the pirates on the high seas, this DVD has no country. Or region.

At this point, our suspicions were heightened: had we bought a fake, pirate, counterfeit DVD from online pirate terrorists? There was only one thing left the check: the moral integrity of the cover image.

Rory's dead, evil eyes are a clear giveaway. Clearly, this otherwise unimpeachable DVD has been in the hands of pirates.

That, plus the fact that every episode on the DVD featured the logo of the WB network, having been recorded badly off the TV. Probably a stolen TV. And a guy stood up halfway through one episode and went to the loo. Stupid pirates.

Having finished our inspection and delivered out verdict, we felt dirty, but glad to have revealed these pirating types for what they are, with their garish colours and questionable morals. And even though we have funded terrorism via online shopping, we feel vindicated, having provided this much needed public service.

And ultimately, we hope that the next time you're buying DVDs from one of the many authorised vendors selling DVDs out of a duffel bag in the local pub, you'll take a moment to ask yourself: was this hand-drawn cover drawn by terrorist pirates? And if it was, we hope you'll have the strength to leave that copy of "The Darks Night" or "Start Wrek" behind.

Eat that, pirates.

FILM REVIEW: Wolverine

2009-05-02T12:35:00.004+01:00

UK Release Date: 1 May 2009
Starring: Huge Aackman. "Huge" to his friends.

I cannot begin to describe how disappointed I was when I found out that Wolverine was not going to be a musical.

This is a colossal mistake. After all, it has all the ingredients of a classic Hollywood musical: Mutants. Wolves. Conflict. And a gigantic hairy Huge Aackman.

I was convinced this was going to a West Side Story for the next generation, a brutal metaphor for our existance, with "animals" battling for survival, as gangs of "Wolves" fought it out with "Sharks" in a bizarre and inexplicable land-sea crossover, with Huge Aackman spinning, diving and ducking at the heart of it all like some delightful and not at all gay Puck in a wolf suit.

My vision of a madcap tap-dancing pelt-wearing Huge Aackman flashing adamantium-clawed jazz hands has been shattered forever.

How could the ridiculous megalomaniacs at Marvel let this happen? Aackman clearly - clearly - wants to do nothing but musicals forever and ever. Preferably with sassy female backing singers and buff male back-up dancers with well-oiled nipples.

His many fans have made it clear that they would rather he did musicals than action hero flicks targeting 12 year old boys. Just listen to the fans applaud as he takes the stage at the Tony Awards in 2004, reinterpreting his role as The Boy from Oz, wearing nothing but gold lame trousers and a leopardprint top, flirting shamelessly with P Diddy who squirms with delight at the attention.

Or at the Oscars, as Huge Aackman flails about in a tight fitting Man Tux and tails. Read their sweaty little comments on Youtube as he grinds his firm buttocks into Barbara Walter's skeletal thighs to the point where, for the briefest of moments, she is reminded what it means to be a woman. The fans want the inner Hugh to sing and dance and generally camp it up until he Aackmans all over them.

And, obviously, the comic book nerds have been begging for a musical adaptation of X-Men for years.

But does Marvel appreciate this groundswell of nervous excitement? Do they answer the giggling masturbatory call of Aackman's surprisingly mostly female fanbase? No. Instead the first superhero musical adaptation we get is Spider-man: Turn Off the Dark featuring music by U2's Boner and The Edger. A musical about a boy wearing pyjamas who climbs walls and fights crime. (Let's just call it what it is, shall we? Peter Parker Pan.)

So Wolverine will not feature Huge Aackman wearing a sad little loincloth, singing about discovering the wolf inside the man.

We will never get to see an insane whirlwind of well-choreographed dance violence as Aackman clicks his adamantium claws while facing a violent, albeit tongue in cheek enemy, played to perfection at various points in the show's run by David Hasselhoff, Richard Gere and/or Tilda Swinton.

We will never enjoy the pleasure of a surprise duet with Barry Mannilow, singing "Looks Like We Made It" and drowning the audience in their hairy innuendo.

Without the dancing wolves, the scantly clad, bullet-nippled, backing cast and Tony Award winning musical score, what are we left with?

Huge Aackman in sideburns, that's what.

The fact that this is a filmed version of some kind of comic book prequel to the X-men, which was itself a pretty cool idea that was eventually stretched thinner than Bea Arthur's skin and ended up inspiring things like Heroes, The Incredibles and David Attenborough's The Life of Mammals, doesn't change anything.

Basically, Wolverine without dancing and classic show tunes is just another teenage werewolf film. Which is entirely pointless since everyone knows there is only one believable teen wolf and that is Michael J Fox in the film about a teenager who turns into a wolf, called Teen Wolf.

And that's just tragic.

Shatner Scale: Miss Congeniality

Worth seeing: Not unless you enjoy disappointment. Or Huge Aackman not dancing and singing.

Photography: Wikimedia Commons. Wolf image by Cm0rris0n, some terms apply. Image of The Boy from Oz by zesmerelda. Some terms apply.

BOOK REVIEW: SHATNERQUAKE

2009-05-01T17:13:00.001+01:00

Title: Shatnerquake
Author: God (using the pseudonym Jeff Burk)
UK release date: Who cares? Buy it as soon as you KHAAAAAN! (See what I did there?)

Hey, what's that sound? That's you cracking the spine on the greatest work of literature ever. And that smell? That is the fresh scent of authorly genius. And that taste? That's you licking the pages in ecstasy as you realise reading (and I use the term loosely, as this is a book you don't just read) can actually be a truly sexual act.

But what is Shatnerquake exactly? No idea. This is The No Show, so we haven't read it. But how can so many Shatners be wrong? Quite simply: they can't.

You have to read Shatnerquake. You need to read Shatnerquake. You will Shatnerquake.

1. Why is Shatnerquake (makes my hands tremble and my genitals swell just to write the word) better than Moby Dick?
More Shatner. Less Whale.

2. Why is Shatnerquake (sorry, I came a little there - pure orgasm, not ejaculate, mind) better than A Tale of Two Cities?
Fewer Cities. More Shatners.

3. Why Shatnerquake (all done now - wait, not quite.... there we go) better than the Bible?
No metaphors, no parables, just 12 Shatners fighting one Shatner. The Bible features not one single Shatner (though many in the Catholic Church still believe the Gospel according to St. Bill was removed by a vengeful priest who couldn't match Shatner's oracular brilliance and staggering thick chested magnificience).

4. Why is Shatnerquake better than One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest?
No mentals. Twelve Shatners. Nuff said.

5. Why is Shatnerquake better than you?
Unless you feature 12 Shatners in your everyday life, then Shatnerquake truly eviscerates you.

If the world ends tomorrow (and it might, depending on when you are reading this - remember the internet lasts forever), anyone who has read Shatnerquake could die smiling, with extra wood (if male) or a lovely wide-on (if lady). It's that good.

As the dust jacket says:

William Shatner?
William Shatner.
William Shatner!

Abso-Shatner-lutely.

Shatner Scale: A Godzilla-sized Kirk
Must read: For the love of God, man, Yes.

MUSIC REVIEW: "Footsteps". By Chris de Burgh. CHRIS FREAKING DE BURGH, people.

2009-04-04T13:38:00.013+01:00

UK release date:

I'm not going to tell you in case you decide to buy it.

Admit it: you thought he was dead.

Somewhere, in the back of your mind, you thought: "Chris De Burgh - he's dead right? Tragic accident? Involving a gardening implement? Maybe a shovel? Or a lawn mower? Didn't his monobrow crawl down and throttle him?"

But you'd be wrong.

This whole time, Chris de Burgh has been quietly, persistently making music. WITHOUT SUPERVISION. OR RESTRAINT.

Someone has to do something.

This is the man who inflicted "Lady in Red" on an unsuspecting world, a song so creepy it could be the song of choice for serial killers while acting out their most terrible fantasies*, as they force their victims to wear a red dress and strap them to their killing table** all the while singing the song over and over in an ominous falsetto*** .

And now he has the TEMERITY to release a collection of HIS intepretation of what HE considers "pop classics" including, but not limited to "Africa" by Toto and "American Pie" by Don McLean.

Why doesn't he just visit each and every one of us personally and drive a blunt ice pick through our ears?**** Why waste time with the formality of recording and releasing such cruel and unusual torture? How can such a monster be allowed to continue?

I'll tell you why. Wedding reception DJs. That's why.

Because the loved-up idiots at something like 98% of all wedding receptions insist on playing "Lady in Red", in the mistaken belief that it's a celebration of some lovely woman and not the grim voiceover to an unwanted living autopsy***** - and DJs agree to do it. Which means they have to have a copy of the song in their aresenal. Which prompts moronic guests at these weddings to buy their own copies, particularly the older folks who don't understand that all music is secretly free if you just know where to look online.******

All of this keeps the money flowing into De Burgh's soft woolen cardigan pockets and maintains the illusion that he has something worthwhile to contribute to music like fucking interpretations of "American fucking Pie" by Don fucking McLean.

And it doesn't stop with the "music". Even the album cover art gives me the creeps.

Apparently, Chris De Burgh is living on his own planet and observing the Earth, like some demented monobrowed alien. Possibly preparing for invasion. A frightening, invisible monobrow invasion.

What's more, he is so twisted that he recorded introductory videos, from deep in his Interplanetary Lair of Woolen Cruelty, that explain why and how he went about choosing this material of evil. He explains the origins of his musical footsteps of evil, which began in his clearly traumatic childhood before he was sent to public boarding school when he and his parents moved into a CASTLE. This was a tragic castle where there was no heat, no water and most tragic of all, NO TV. And they had to become FARMERS. Before they turned it into a small HOTEL! A fucking CASTLE HOTEL. Jesus.

"Many of the songs on Footsteps started right here," says the diabolical genius. If only the scientists had spent a little less time perfecting the internet and turned their attention to something more important, like time travel, we could go back and stop the madness before it begins. If only.

The day the music died, indeed. It is gruesome and vile. And it must be stopped.

* Probably. I have no data to back this up. It's just a feeling.
** Just one possible example. Not all serial killers have the same MO.
*** Speculation. Some serial killers may have lovely singing voices.
**** Satire. This is not an invitation to Mr De Burgh or anyone to stab anyone else with anything.
***** Conjecture. Not all serial killers gut their victims. For some, the killing itself is the end of the madness; there is no particular inclination to explore further. Instead of slicing and dicing, for example, some serial killers may sit down for a good cry. Or wank. It depends.
****** These are the same people who insist on playing "I Will Always Love You" at wedding receptions - completely failing to realise that it's a song about two people who DON'T GET TOGETHER. Morons.

FILM REVIEW: 17 Again

2009-04-02T22:17:00.016+01:00

UK Release Date: 10 April 2009
Starring: Zac Efron (orange teen) and Matthew Perry (orange adult)

OK, full disclosure: even though I haven't seen this film (per The No Show rules), I have seen this film. Everybody has seen this film. There are isolated tribes hidden deep in the jungles of South America who, if asked for the plot of this film, would say, "Oh yeah dude, isn't that the one where this orange dude becomes a younger orange dude version of himself in a desperate quest to rediscover his inner orange dude self that used to be cool and then learns lots of life lessons and totally gets the orange girl and has awesome orange hair?"

Then they would totally shoot you with a poisonous dart before taking away your orange Golden Idol and giving it to Belloq (the French bastard).

But there are two things they will not tell you about this film and these are them:

First, the main dude character in this film, both as an adult and as a teenager and then as an adult again, is totally and completely orange both on screen and off.

Second - and this is the really important bit: we are supposed to believe that Matthew Perry - yes, the chunky orange one from the endlessly repeating TV "classic" Friends - actually looked like Zac Efron when he was 17. (And in case you're older than 14, Zac is the pretty orange girl from the High School Musicals films.)

THIS IS RIDICULOUS. EVEN BY HOLLYWOOD STANDARDS.

I can accept that John Travolta and Nicolas Cage switched faces and recovered in like five minutes in Face/Off. Twice. I can accept that a team involving Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck and Owen Wilson saved the world from an asteroid by being sent into space by Billy Bob Thornton on a military space shuttle in Armageddon. I can even accept the idea of Madonna as actress in Evita.

But my belief suspenders officially snap at the idea of Matthew Perry once looking anything even slightly resembling Zac Efron.

The reasons for this are threefold:

1. Matthew Perry is an old man and Zan Efron is clearly a pretty, young girl. Very flat-chested admittedly, and a bit boyish in her clothing choices, but a girl nonetheless. It's too big a gap for my brain to cross.

2. Matthew Perry looks like someone grabbed his head and inserted it up a cow's ass, twisted it around and then popped it back out, before leaving him out in the sun to dry for several weeks. His skin is loose and a bit floppy like a hunting dog's and it may one day actually reach the ground. His hair is a weird mix of really dry and really greasy. His clothes always look like they may have fit him once, but a long time ago when he was either fatter or thinner. Zac Efron, meanwhile, is a pretty, young, well dressed girl.

3. Matthew Perry is... nope, I've got nothing. Read 1 and 2 above. It's that simple. Matthew Perry and Zac Efron. The same person. Totally ridiculous. Like having Morgan Freeman paying an older version of Scarlett Johansson. Painted orange.

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER HOLLYWOOD, NOBODY'S BUYING IT.

Shatner Scale: Quincy cameo.
Must hear: No. For the love of God, no.

FILM REVIEW: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Undead

2009-03-06T03:30:00.004Z

UK Release date: Not soon enough

Starring: A bunch of people and featuring RALPH MACCHIO

Ok, here's the deal: not only have we not seen this film, as far as I know they haven't even finished making it yet.

Here's what we do know so far, via IMDB.com:

"Julian Marsh is an out of work ladies' man who lands a job directing a bizarre adaptation of Hamlet. After casting his best friend and his ex-girlfriend in the show, Julian finds himself in the middle of a two thousand year old conspiracy that explains the connection between Shakespeare, the Holy Grail and some seriously sexy vampires. It turns out that the play was actually written by a master vampire name Theo Horace and it's up to Julian to recover the Grail in order to reverse the vampire's curse... If only being undead wasn't so much God-damned fun!"

Sexy vampires, Shakespeare, more sexy vampires - do we really need to say more? And in case you think we do need to say more, we will only say this one thing more: Ralph Macchio.

What's that you say? Ralph "Karate Kid" "Wax On Wax Off" Macchio? Oh yes.

Verdict? Awesome.

All it needs to make it perfect is the ghost of Pat Morita. They can do that in film these days you know. I'm thinking of an Obi Wan glowing-in-the-background-and-looking-strangely-heavier-than-he-did-before-he-died kinda thing.

Seriously, I don't know what's taking them so long. Just finish it already dammit! While we're waiting, enjoy the trailer (Ralph Macchio's about 3/4 of the way through. He still looks freakishly young. Maybe he's a vampire.)

*Photo courtesy the internet. Not sure who holds the copyright and we'll dump it if it's a problem, but we're pretty sure it's promotional and falls under the definition of Fair Use or something.

UPDATE: PLEASE WATCH THIS TOO IT'S GLORIOUS

FILM REVIEW: Watchmen

2009-02-25T13:24:00.002Z

UK Release Date: 6 March 2009
Starring: Billy Crudup, Jackie Earle Haley and a whole bunch of future ComiCon attendees

As with everything else on this site, and per the Second Rule* of The No Show, we have not seen Watchmen.

In the interests of full disclosure, however, we have to admit that we have read the comic books [Ed's note: To anyone about to say something, it is a comic book not a graphic novel, so shut it].

We both have copies of the original series (though mine sit in a box somewhere in my parents' basement 3,500 miles from here and are probably covered in crayon scribbles by my nephews because NO-ONE in my ENTIRE FAMILY understands the REAL value of collectibles. *Sheesh*).

We also both know the story involves this superhero owl guy, and another superhero guy with a black and white mask, and a big, kind of Silver Surfer ripoff type character. And a guy who looks like he welcomes new guests as they arrive in Vegas (and possibly stands in for Siegfried and/or Roy on their off days). And even a couple of relatively well rounded female characters too. Right?

Anyway, we read the thing and vaguely remember the plot.

So there's that out of the way, yeah? Great, on with the review:

Watchmen is going to be awesome.

There, done. You can go ahead and move on to something else now, we're done here.

No, seriously. It will be. Guaranteed. It has to be. Wil Wheaton said so. Twice. On TWITTER no less.

And the fact is that it better be awesome. Because if it's not, somebody's going to have to pay. Expectations are so freaking high for this thing that the fansboys and girls will be throwing themselves under passing buses in protest if even one iota of not awesome appears on screen. (Probably one of those Atheist buses too. Just for the irony.)

Remember: this is the comic book that gave birth to this whole interweb thingy. Or at least, it's the thing that got their mojo going. Right after porn, Watchmen is like the next thing on the list of things that made the internet thing popular really fast.

No but SRSLY it's for true: back in 1986, when the comics came out and everyone was all "Whoa like totally AWESUM" (that's how they spoke back then), rumours started circulating about a film version. At that exact moment, the finishing touches were being put on Internet 1.0. Next thing you know, the Web is born and everyone's all over it and asking "So like when is the Watchmen film happening bcuz it R so cool?" when not surfing for porn.

This was of course before everything got taken over by losers trolls and people with a disturbing fascination for cats. (Seriously, what the HELL is up with all the cats on here?)

By the time the actual film was finally put together by a team of magic elves working feverishly for months on end in a secret cave in North Hollywood, and following several ~~trumped up~~ very very important lawsuits (always a good sign on a film production), the interwebs had evolved to the point where celebrities were using ~~l33tspeak~~ well-known internet abbreviations in casual conversation to express their excitement at the film's inevitable awesomeness:

And so now, with the film rising on the horizon like some great big glowing thing peeking out from behind the glowing greatness of President Obama's Presidential Halo of Power, we are left with only one possible outcome: awesomeness.

Watchmen will be awesome.

It will not be slightly disappointing. It will not be just "OK" or "not bad". It will not not quite live up the comics, the ones we haven't read for 20 years but seem to recall really really liking for reasons we can't quite remember (something about it being "really real" and not having a happy ending). It will also not be so buried in CGI that we forget we're watching a live action film, nor will it be ruined by excessively wooden acting performed by actors whose names we won't remember after the credits role, names that if we could remember, we would then forever curse because they were so wooden.

And it will definitely not be yet another absolutely piss-poor piece of shit big screen adaptation of Alan Moore's work, like V for Vendetta, From Hell and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. They were just flukes.

No, Watchmen will be AWESOME.

Or it will be the worst thing in the history of cinema.

Because when it comes to Watchmen, there's nothing in between.

(And Twitter will fail due to overcapacity either way, of course.)

UPDATE: The Quietus thinks "[director] Jack Snyder has taken one of the greatest comic books ever published, and made the the single worst comic book movie ever to see daylight. Batman And Robin was Apocalypse Now compared to this."

UPDATE: The Motion/Capture review says "Zack Snyder's 'Watchmen' is a profound work of art, a beautiful, deliriously weird, meditative spin on a genre that is as American as jazz."

So there you go: The No Show - your one-stop shop for accurate reviews.

* For reference, the First Rule of The No Show is: Don't touch yourself in public, if at all possible.

Photos: Owl by Dr. Tarak N Khan/Some rights reserved; Who watches the watchmen grafitti by David Masters/Some rights reserved.

THEATRE REVIEW: You're Welcome America. A Final Night with George W Bush

2009-02-09T13:38:00.007Z

UK release date: When Michael Sheen is available

Starring: Will Ferrell on his own

It's not often we review PLAYS we haven't seen. Especially BROADWAY plays we haven't seen. Particularly ONE-MAN SHOWS we haven't seen. Pertinently POLITICAL SATIRES we haven't seen.

When we realised Will Ferrell (who has been in a film by Woody Allen, many TV remakes such as Bewitched and Land of the Lost, and loads of films where he takes a random sport, then dresses like a catalogue model from the mid-seventies, then shouts at other more talented actors) was in it as George W. Bush, we thought, well, seriously, do we want to handle this hot political one-man show of a hot potato or do we want to back down like a guy who's just started an argument with his wife and then mentioned her period?

We said, 'Screw it, lets' do it.' Like a new-age Bond villain might say to his unruly henchmen to motivate them.

Will Ferrell of Semi-Pro fame [Ed's note: A film about his status as a comedian - I thankya] has decided to star as George W. Bush because he plays him on Saturday Night Live, like a dog returning to his own not very funny vomit only to slurp it up and hope Broadway audiences will join him in his vomit-slurping.

But just what is funny about George W. Bush in a post-Bush, maintenant-Obama world?

1. George was a recovering alcoholic

2. George was a coke addict

3. George wasn't very good at anything

4. George was a bit stupid

5. George couldn't stop saying stupid things

6. George wasn't really cut out to be president

But his dad wanted it that way so that's the way it was. It's really easy to parody a moron just like it's easy to masturbate when you're alone but much more daring at a bus stop or at Christmas lunch with all your family round the table [Ed: That's not egg nog - I thankya]. But who has the balls to parody Barack "walks on water, living in the love of the common people" Obama? Not Will Ferrell. No he'd rather pick on the global village retard.

We at The No Show are tough on bullying and the causes of bullying and we believe it's wrong to pick on George Bush. Also it's kinda been done before... a lot. Mostly by Will Ferrell... who may have voted for him because he could do an impression of him.

Like the man who plays ice hockey with his scrotum hanging out, we implore you Will Ferrell, show us your ice cold balls and stop before you go too far. And that goes for you too Tina Fey. Just because you look like Sarah Palin and are oddly sexy like a bespectacled primary school teacher who touches herself under the desk – no more Palin. [Ed's note: Er, Tina Fey more or less stopped doing that impressions after the election... I wish she hadn't, she sort of turned me on like a bespectacled hillbilly politician who talks church in public but filth in the sack.]

If anyone goes to see this, it will only encourage more shows that attack the mentally and physically impaired. If you want to see Ricky Gervais playing Stephen Hawking or Jack Black playing Helen Keller or Ben Stiller playing David Beckham, then go and see Will Ferrell in You're Welcome, America - but remember, you'll be support mentalist bullying.

Shatner scale: TJ Hooker: The Movie

Must see: Only if you hate those less fortunate than you.

FILM REVIEW: Two Lovers

2009-02-05T14:21:00.004Z

UK release date: 27 March 2009
Starring: Joaquin Phoenix and some other people

According to IMBD, Two Lovers is "a Brooklyn-set romantic drama about a bachelor (Phoenix) torn between the family friend his parents wish he would marry and his beautiful but volatile new neighbor."

It is going to be rubbish.

This verdict is based on three very good and undeniable FACTS:

1. Timing is everything. The film is being released too late for the 2009 Academy Awards and too soon for anyone to remember it for the 2010 Academy Awards (though it will still probably earn some BAFTA nominations. Anything to bump up the list of US presenters at the awards).

2. It co-stars Gwyneth Paltrow. Seriously: name one film she's been in that was actually good. We'll wait. No, not that one, it was rubbish too. And not that one either. See? Told you.

3. Lead actor Joaquin Phoenix retired shortly after the film wrapped. To become a professional BEARDY rapper.)

So there you go, verdict done, on to more important business:

WHY THE FRAK IS JOAQUIN PHOENIX RETIRING TO BECOME A BEARDY RAPPER???

According to JP Beardy Rapper MC himself (on People.com), "This is me saying this is who I am. This is my story. After all the years of reading scripts and reading lines, this is my chance to do something straight from the heart and put it out there."

But as Yahoo news also pointed out, "After his set, he was left red-faced after he tripped and fell into the crowd as he attempted to step off the stage."

Is it a joke? Defamer.com thinks so (but they're such bitchy bitches they'd mock Ghandi for his fashion choices). And spotting Casey Affleck filming MC McBeardy's "gigs" make it feel like a big phat mockumentary scam.

But still, Phoenix aka DJ Beardy McBeardson insists it's all fuh realz.

Just in case, we at The No Show feel it necessary to remind young MC Big Bad JoPhe Beard of a few other poor career choices that were made by famous types at pivotal junctions in their lives, and the car crash-like results that ensued:

Vanilla Ice (aka Robbie Van Winkle): Useless "rapper" who sampled "Under Pressure" for his one big hit without giving any credit or paying royalties and had the first #1 on the Billboard charts and sold 17 million CDs before being sued and paying out big time. His success can only be explained by a kind of mass insanity that began in middle class suburbs before spreading around the world. Thankfully, Van Winkle's switch to acting cured the world of its collective madness and he failed spectacularly, winning the "Worst New Star" award at the 1991 Golden Raspberry Awards. He shifted back to "music" - this time with creepy dreads that looked stapled to his head - and failed yet again. So, like every American performer without a career, Van Winkle turned to his last possible creative outlet, Reality TV, where he has enjoyed modest success (if you include "getting the crap beaten out of you by Todd Bridges" in your definition of modest success).

[Ed's note: all of the above "facts" were lifted directly from the Winkapedium. So they must be true.]

David Bowie: An unique and charismatic hair musician, Bowie's hair had several chart-topping hits. Then his hair dabbled in hair acting, with limited success (though his turn as Jareth the Hairy Goblin King in Labyrinth was, frankly, astonishing and hirsute). So far so good. Then he turned to financial hair services, offering hair stocks and generally spreading himself thin, which of course lead us all into the hairy economic situation we're all in now.

Mickey Rourke: Great actor turned mediocre actor turned boxer turned crash test dummy for cosmetic surgeons throughout LA. One small error in judgement in the early 1990s = 10 years of wandering in the wilderness before major comeback with The Wrestler (and it was a comeback - Another 9 1/2 Weeks and straight to video shit like Shades don't count as acting).

Chuck Norris: A super-duper action hero (big and small screen), this roundhouse-kicker extraordinaire then decided that he was so great that he must be great at everything. Including fashion. Say hello to The Chuck Norris Action Jeans for the martial artist. I shit you not.

John Wayne Bobbit: Wife hacked off his knob, so he had to prove it would work. By going into porn. It didn't really work. And neither did he after that.

Ron Jeremy (or indeed any porn actor given even half a chance): When Ron Jeremy went from Insanely Famous Hairy Fat Hedgehog Pornstar to Actor, people were prepared to give him half a chance. Unfortunately for Ron, it turned out that his penis got all the talent. But that didn't stop a handful of other porn stars who have jumped at the chance when offered a role by saddo directors looking for "authenticity" by which they mean "people willing to actually have sex on set in front of my entire film crew so I can call this piece of shit film 'art'". Except for Traci Lords. She's pretty good actually.

Paris Hilton, Noami Campbell etc: This applies to a wide range of useless models, IT girls and the offspring of stupidly wealthy and famous parents - recording an album is always a bad idea. ALWAYS. There are no exceptions to this rule. Vacuousness, stupidity and inexcusable wealth are no excuse.

Justin Lee Collins: He used to be a successful double-glazing demonstrator. Now look at him, chasing former celebrities and haranguing them like some great hairy ape. It's just wrong. Just plain wrong.

Lindsay Lohan: Former child actor and rehab addict, she decided to pack that in and try her hand at full time professional lesbianism. While she has enjoyed some success with this career, the constant appearance of walking skeleton Samantha Ronson at her side is messing with Lohan's celebrity status because being with the sister of a famous producer is more likely to get Lohan into clubs than having appeared in an hilarious remake of Herbie. And it's making Lohan look fat. (Seriously Ronson, grab a bagel or something, will you?)

Adolf Hitler: Tried to be an artist but he was shit. So he became a psychotic mass murdering megalomaniac instead. Which is unfortunate.

Stalin: Should have stayed a weatherman. Unfortunately, his light workload meant he had time to foster revolution, which lead to a fairly substantial career change as a nasty dictator. Good moustache though.

Telly Savalas: Successfully bald on both the big and small screen, then for whatever reason he decided to try singing. Entirely unnecessary. No-one was ever going to forget that he was bald.

William Shatner: Former godlike actor with a barrel chest and a non-specific speech impediment. Then he decided to do whatever the hell that is he's doing on those albums because it sure as hell isn't singing. (Bill, we love you, but seriously, stop recording albums.)

Lesson learned, MC JP McBeady No1? We thought so.

Now get your ass back to that film set: Parenthood 2: Garry's Wild Ride isn't going to make itself you know.

[Ed's Note: Again, most of these images were found on Wikimedia Commons. Apart from the public domain ones, the others are licensed under Creative Commons or GNU or they're promotional or whatever. The Vanilla Ice and Stalin pics are both public domain, Bowie's hair pic is by Elmar J. Lordemann, Justin Lee Collins' hair pic is by Martinra1966. I'm honestly not sure where the Chuck Norris ad came from. Sorry Chuck.]

BOOK REVIEW: The Power of Less - The art of limiting yourself to the essentials

2009-01-25T17:28:00.001Z

Title: The Power of Less - the art of limiting yourself to the essentials
Author: Leo Babauta

UK release: 12 February

You may have heard that there is something called a credit crunch or a credit squeeze or a financial crisis or a recession or downturn or a you're-frigging-fricking-fired-now-get-down-the-dole-or-welfare-office-you-scum-sucking-feltch-monkey-because-your-boss-sure-as-hell-isn't-giving-up-that-bonus-just-because-you-worked-your-ass-off-to-get-the-company-into-profit crunch/squeeze/munch/vice-like grip/pucker-punch.

Well, what better way to wile away those myriad hours of not working than by reading a book on the Art – Yes, THE ART – of limiting yourself to the essentials.

Leo Babauta, a man whose name is as punchable as the cash-in nonsense he so obviously espouses, really knows about living on essentials because he is... well, he is... a what? A bird? A fish? A rhino? Clearly, he is some sort of invertebrate living solely on the bare bones basics.

In fact, what exactly are our essentials for that matter?

1. Air

2. Water
3. Food (The kind that doesn't poison you and isn't going to fight back. Much.)
4. Warmth
5. A sexual outlet (Inlet? Whatever, you know what I mean)

Which means the essentials boil down to being homeless, breathing, drinking from taps in supermarket toilets, making sure you hit McDonald's bins around closing time and buying a decent fucking sleeping bag while knocking one out when you feel the urge, which won't be too often as you'll be too weak.

All the while, Babauta won't be living on essentials as Babauta has the residuals from this book to keep him warm. And if the residuals don't keep him warm he'll just chuck another copy on his wood-burning stove.

Message to all writers trying to take advantage of vulnerable people by convincing them they don't know anything and then suckering them into handing over money so you can tell them they're idiots: If you want to help people, go to a butcher, have yourself cut into good size steaks and get yourself shipped to a truly impoverished nation, the kind of place where people treat essentials like water and hygeine as luxuries. And stop tripping over yourself to get hard-up people to shell out hard earned money for another book on how to save money WHEN THEY COULD BE SPENDING IT ON SOMETHING ACTUALLY ESSENTIAL, LIKE FOOD, YOU VACUOUS TURDS.

Shatner Scale: Star Trek Generations (The Death of Kirk)
Must read: NO.

Image via Wikimedia Commons, by chamo estudio, licensed under Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 License.

Oscar Guess List Part III: And the winner could possibly may be...

2009-01-19T14:29:00.003Z

UK release date: 23 January 2009
Starring: Sean Penn
Director: Gus Van Sant

While the ~~nominees haven't even been announced yet~~ winners won't be known until 22 February 2009, we at The No Show are confident enough to pronounce one ~~not-yet-nominated~~ now officially nominated film as the winner on the Best Film award. Because we're just that confident.

Among the Front-Running Outsiders for an Oscar at this year's Academy Awards and Executive Valet Car Wash®, this is the one that will out-front-run the rest: Milk.

The reasons are simple:

1. According to every right wing conservative talk show host, Hollywood is run by the Pink Mafia. Milk, by definition, should be super gay friendly. Which means the Pink Mafia will vote for it, even if Anthony Hegarty thinks it's "like blackface to me … it’s a continuing Hollywood minstrel show, co-opting queer stories and perversely building up the careers of these heterosexual bastards with the plumage of effeminacies, that they can wear this plumage of effeminacies without having to really be accountable”. And despite MsMarmiteLover's view of Sean Penn as a "thin lipped miseryguts" (see comments on previous post).

2. Milk has a large cast [Ed's note: tee hee] with lots of roles for gay actors to play gay characters and wear clothes they might actually have worn in the 1970s instead of dressing up like ridiculous caricatures or Agent Smith out of The Matrix. [Ed's note: What? He's NOT gay? Really, are you sure?] The fact that the majority of the actors cast are probably not gay is neither here nor there: it's the thought that counts.

3. Milk will split the vote: The small percentage of the voting Academy that is not part of the Pink Mafia will be tripping over themselves to vote for either ~~Kate Winslet's film or Kate Winslet's other film~~ "Slumdog and its main rival, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button", splitting the vote and leaving Milk to pick up the majority. [Ed's note: There's only one Winslet film in the running, but the theory remains strong - that quotes from Defamer.com and they know how these things ~~are rigged~~ play out]

4. Milk got nothing at the Golden Globes: a sure sign of imminent victory.

5. Most important: Sean Penn is a straight playing a gay. And as everyone in Hollywood knows, if a straight plays a gay then he's truly stretching himself ~~(and possibly his anus - depends on how Method he is as an actor)~~ [Ed's note: Yeah, not sure about that one... yep, checked with Legal, it has to go]. This automatically makes the film more of an Acting Event and not just uber-camp panto. Which it would have been had it starred Robin Williams, but what were the chances of that happening since the lead character is neither ridiculously earnest nor psychotic? [Ed's note: I really wish Williams would go back to the good old fashioned coke-fuelled days of crazy.] On the other hand, if Penn was a straight pretending to be a gay in the sad sad way that Adam Sandler played it in Larry and Harry Pretend to be Homosexuals for Comedic and Legal Reasons, the film wouldn't even qualify for consideration.

There is only one small flaw in this argument, Bald Oscar Statue Man. We at The No Show can exclusively reveal that Sean Penn might be gay himself, which puts his performance right out of the running and may kill the film's chances as well.

Here are the two tell-tale signs:

1. Sean Penn was married to Madonna.
2. Sean Penn is a liberal.

Both point conclusively to his samesexlovingness. Denied AGAIN Penn! FAIL.

Of course, many many people are under the impression that Milk tells the tale [Ed's note: tee hee hee] of Harvey Milk, who was San Francisco's first openly gay mayor - a bit like London's Boris Johnson (who can not be gay, simply because no self-respecting gay man would let himself look anything like that) - and who was also shot.

The fact is, Milk is all about Sean Penn trying desperately to earn the Oscar that was so cruelly denied to one when he brilliantly assayed the role of the ~~retard~~ [Ed's note: no wait that was right] retard in I Am Sam by sticking his tongue under his lower lip and saying "uurrrrgh" occasionally. It really doesn't matter whether or not it's a great film or Sean Penn's great or Gus Van Sant is great, Milk was originally meant to star Harvey Feirstein and Penn has spent his whole career screaming "Love me! Love me! I want an Oscar" then pretending he's all anti-establishment and edgy and tough. And even though this makes Penn look and sound like a cock knocking hypocrite, we have to respect the sheer chutzpah.

Even though we haven't seen Milk, we imagine this role has Penn acting right down to the ends of the follicles in every single be-gelled and bouffanted piece of his hair, a true Hair Acting performance that goes far beyond Jeff Spicoli in Fast Times or David Kleinfeld in Carlito's Way. And we think that'll be enough to push it over the edge. From behind. [Ed's note: Ok that's just about enough of that]

So go on, support Penn. Get Milk.

[Ed's note: Milk is directed by Gus Van Sant, who played bass in Skynard before the plane crash and guitar in the E-street Band after. His directorial career has mostly involved gay people or shooting - or, in the case of Good Will Hunting, both. Everyone thinks that film was made exclusively by Damon and Affleck - that they wrote it, starred in it, produced it, did all the crew stuff and made the merchandise but no, it was Van Sant. Sadly he was forced to remove the scene where Robin Williams screams into Matt Damon's face, 'How d'ya like them apples... on your chin?' in a funny Ethel Merman voice and the scene where Affleck shoots Damon screaming "Not so clever now, are you?" Both are on the Director's Cut DVD. Ok, on OUR copy.]

Shatner Scale: Kirk
Worth Seeing: Why the hell not? Might as well have something to talk about the day after the Academy Awards and Universal Ball-Bearing Exhibition®.

~~Footnote: If~~ ~~Milk~~ ~~does not appear on the list of nominees for Best Film when they're announced on Thursday (22 January), we will deny all knowledge of this post ever happening.~~

PRE-OSCARS ROUND-UP:The Guess List (Part II)

2009-01-08T02:52:00.002Z

Picking up from the first Guess List, here are yet more possible contenders for the Best Picture Award at the 2009 Academy Awards Oscars Extravaganza and International Pig Roast^®. And like every sequel, this one will take what was a good idea and drive it into the ground, with slightly less content and a lot more filler.

IN THE RUNNING (BUT ONLY JUST)

Australia
Director: Baz Luhrmann
UK release date: 26 December 2008
The moment Hugh Jackman was announced as host of the next Academy Awards ceremony, two possible and parallel universe opened up before us. In one, Australia takes every award possible except the Best Actor nod for Jackman. In the second, Australia gets nothing and Jackman isn't even nominated. And Nicole Kidman snaps in two when caught in a revolving door on her way into the event (later stitched back together with her lower half on backwards - no-one notices but it does make her thrice annual visit to the toilet a bit tricky from then on). Only time will tell if the second option comes true, but we're crossing every digit on this one. Plus a few strangers' fingers as well.

As for the film, we'll leave that to guest reviewer and our favourite Twitterer, @MsMarmitelover: "Australia one of worst films ever. Kidman, the baddies, all caricatures. Jokey 1st half, bizarre war-time 2nd half. Lots of tears, esp. Jackman." We couldn't have tweeted it better ourselves.

Verdict: It will only win if the judging panel is made up exclusively of Nicole Kidman fans. By that, we mean Nicole Kidman and her inverted lower half. Even then, it's not a lock.

The Wrestler
Director: Darren Aronofsky
UK release date: 16 January 2009
Mickey Rourke explodes in a metaphor of his life writ large on the silver screen. By which we mean he plays a broken man who gets even more broked as he goes along, meeting with other broken folks who try to salvage their broken little lives through conciliatory sex and a bit of grifting. And then he learns a life lesson by having his face and other body parts smashed into a slick, sweaty wrestling ring canvas floor time and again.

All of this is instead of a more appropriate metaphor, that of Mickey Rourke playing the part of a hugely talented actor with an ego the size of Montana who spent too much time defending his title as a hugely talented actor with his fists and even more time trying to look a bit more like Ivana Trump through the art of cosmetic surgery (or is it Melanie Griffith? Can't be sure, really, until the swelling settles sometime in 2012) , only to crawl his way back to the big stage by playing the same mumbling mumblers he always seems to play (largely because he can't really open his mouth unassisted at this point in his career). Which is all too bad because that would have made a better film.

Verdict: Won't win Best Film. Might take Best Performance by an Overstuffed Comic Action Figure.

Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Director: Woody Allen
UK release date: 6 February 2009
It's Woody's latest return to non-form. Every year, Woody "The Woodsman" Allen (not to be confused with John Holmes) has another return to non-form but this time, he's really returned to non-form with a film few people have seen but everyone agrees is a return to non-form. This time non-Woody is played by Javier Bardem who is caught between a young woman (~~Mia Farrow~~ Penelope ~~Cruise~~ Cruz) and an even younger woman (~~Soon-Yee-Previn~~ Scarlett Johannsen).

This is another in Woody's European series where he takes beautiful famous young actors to various Old Country locations and lets them play out mediocre versions of his "older, better films". All of which were populated by older less beautiful and far more talented people.

Verdict: Oscar Schmoscar, it'd take a time machine for Woody to pick up diddly from the Academy.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Director: David Fincher
UK release date: 6 February 2009
Every so often, Brad Pitt has to kick back and get away from the Brady Bunch at home, so he decides to makes long, long, long movies. Angelina does the same. Trust us, it's amazing how six screaming kids and a ready supply of nannies can motivate you to get up and out the house to make as many films as possible.

This year, Brad and Angie (or Angelinad, as the tabloids know them) will be going head to head. In TCCOBB, Brad plays a man who ages backwards - a little like my cousin Derek who is 27 but has the brain of a three-year-old or my uncle Dave, who is dead. At last count, the film lasts 17.5 hours, but no-one's quite sure when it begins or ends because the ends are taped together.

Verdict: A strong outsider. Simply because, hey, we need to give working parents a break. And the film kept about 1,000 people in jobs, which is what the Oscars are really about: future job security.

Changeling and Gran Turino
Director: Clint Eastwood
UK release dates: 26 November 2008 and 20 February 2009 respectively
Two films, one squint. Clint does what Clint does best: directs films, squints and wears a t-shirt. Because if you can do all three at his age, that's pretty much all you should ever do. Otherwise you might find yourself sounding like a Conservative old fart with too much time on his hands.

Verdict: The Academy will be so impressed that Clint hasn't died yet, they may give him Best Film for both and just hope he goes away for awhile.

RANK OUTSIDERS

Waltz with Bashir
Director: Ali Forman
UK release date: 21 November 2008
It's animated. Animated things don't win Best Film Oscars. Because if that happened, then what would all those huge complicated multi-layered, many actored EPICS do? They'd fade away, that's what. And from that moment on, every single actor in Hollywood would be perfecting their voiceovers and wearing sweats and baseball hats and not shaving anything anymore. Basically, all of Hollywood would look like Philip Seymour Hoffman. And The Academy won't stand for that, no sir, nuh uh.

Instead, they will continue to nominate the small indies and the worthy performances, but the Big Nod will go to the one that cost the most, hired the most people and generated bucketloads for the industry because THAT's the kind of film ~~The Industry~~ The Academy wants to keep on making.

Verdict: The director is Ali Forman. Which was a great fight. And remember Ali didn't win Best Film. Despite Will Smith, looking, sounding and acting nothing like Muhammed Ali. As for Waltz with Bashir, Wall.E will walk it.

The Road
Director: John Hillcoat
UK release date: No date announced yet
As the tagline says: In the most depressing time since The Great Depression comes the most depressing film this decade based on the most depressing book you'll ever read. If you want to see the abyss, to actually taste the full salty taste of hopelessness and really understand just what bleak means, then this is for you. We all love a good weep but we're not so sure about a wrist-slitting, bleach-drinking plunge into suicidal misery that only a good dose of smack can bring you out of. Definitely not The Full Monty sequel that Sony ordered.

Verdict: A maybe for Oscar-glory. And I can't wait to see Hugh Jackman's dance interpretation.

The Brothers Bloom
Director: Rian Johnson
UK release date: No date announced yet
It's like Grifters but by the bloke who made Brick. So you'll get loads of made-up words. And Rachel Weisz is in it. We can smell the Oscar. Trust us, this is the big outsider. Weisz, made-up words, Mark "Who? Oh THAT guy" Ruffalo. Watch this space. but don't bother with the film.

Verdict: If you have any money, this is the one. Seriously, we know stuff you don't. Have we ever steered you wrong before? Ok fair enough, we're totally lying.

So WHO will take the Biggest Oscar on the Biggest night of the Biggest Awards Show and Celebrity Ping-Pong Tournament^® of the Year?

Stay tuned for The No Show's pick...

[Ed's Note: Most of these images were found on the internets and some are copyright free while others are licensed under Creative Commons or GNU or they're promotional or whatever. Hope that's clear enough for everyone. Also, sorry for the rubbish caption sizes, I'm tired and it's late, so you'll just have to deal with it.]

PRE-OSCARS ROUND-UP:The Guess List

2009-01-01T22:51:00.007Z

OK, so it's 2009 now and we're all supposed to have lists and so on, and since the NY Post Popwrap blog put forward Jarett Wieselman's "Best Movies To See This Fall" a couple of months ago AND the UK's illustrious and very shiny BBC has published its own feeble guess list of what might take the Best Film Oscar in 2009 AND the New York Magazine went and did the same damned thing, we figured it's just about time to drag our arses out of bed and start guessing whether any of these pseudo-possible-maybe Oscar contenders might be worth seeing in the first place.

And so, using the same ~~lazy~~ pithy, down and dirty, scattergun approach of these publishing titans, here is PART I of our guesswork (in order of UK release date):

IN THE RUNNING

THE READER
Director: Stephen Daldry
UK release date: 2 January 2009
Post-war flashback drama. Stars Oscar-nominated Kate Winslet (statistically naked 48% of the time) and Oscar-nominated Ralph Fiennes (naked just 12% of the time). Based on an internationally best selling, Oprah Book Club sanctioned novel about sex and war crimes and sex. Director Daldry (rarely naked) has been nominated for two Oscars, won 27 other less impressive titles and received 22 nominations for awards that no-one can quite remember. They might as well have called the film "Give me your Oscar votes NOW, you stinking sons of bitches!". It should win. It must win. It won't win. Probably because Kate Winslet looks a bit silly as an older version of herself. Unless she's naked. Then she's fine.

Verdict: Always the bridesmaid.

FROST/NIXON
Director: Ron Howard
UK release date: 9 January 2009
Ron "Richie 'Hot Balls' Cunningham" Howard likes make-up. He teamed up with Henry "Arthur 'The Fonz' Fonzerelli" Winkler in a pro-Obama Happy Days and Opie video pastiche thing that went out on the U Tubes before the election. Everyone looked 800 years old and nobody was fooled by Howard's 3.5cm-thick layer of make-up, much less Winkler's cucumber down the pants. (But Obama won anyway, so that's got to count for something.)

The fact that Ron Howard is behind the camera on Frost/Nixon - which is a film version of a play of a TV special of an article of a sketch on a napkin of some original interviews between former President Nixon and Sir Robert Frost - means that viewers can expect equally thick make-up and some tear-jerker moments thrown in for good measure. But no sex. I'm hoping. (God, now that I think about it, I can't stop thinking about it. Seriously. Even the title is like some emoticon from hell, Frost's pasty white body pressing down on Nixon's heaving hunchback... bleurg, I'm going to need a shower now. And a Tetanus shot.)

Verdict: As likely as Nixon coming back and retaking the Presidency in his inevitably decayed but no doubt strangely sweet smelling (like almonds?) Zombie form.

SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE
Director: Danny Boyle
UK release date: 9 January 2009
Danny Boyle directed Sunshine, Millions, 28 Days Later, Alien Love Triangle, The Beach, A Life Less Ordinary, Trainspotting and Shallow Grave. I'm doubting there'll be ~~a toilet scene in Slumdog Millionaire~~ [UPDATE: We have been reliably informed that the film DOES include a toilet diving scene, by the ever delightful @msMarmiteLover - see comments] full frontal from Keith Allen or Ewan McGregor. And those were the only Oscar-worthy moments in anything Boyle's done to date. Having said that, everyone likes this. So it might just come in second on the night. No: third. Definitely nearly maybe almost.

Verdict: Snowball's chance on a slightly chilly day in hell.

DOUBT
Director: John Patrick Shanley
UK release date: 6 February 2009
Philip Seymour Hoffman playing a perv. I still haven't recovered from the Happiness money shot (and that was a "a masterpiece of irony" according to IMDB reviewer drosse67 from Virginia). This time, PSH's playing a priest perv. Or accused of being a priest but turns out to be a perv. Or something. And Meryl Streep is in it as a nun apparently. (Streep as a nun - really? First Mamma Mia!, now this. What is wrong with Hollywood these days?)

Nope, I just don't quite get this one. The trailer makes it look like a comedy. Speed it up and add Yakety-Sax and it would be all over the internets. It looks like it was created with left-over wardrobe from McNight Shallamallabingbong's The Village, but without the whole "it-looks-really-old-but-the-Village-is-just-hidden-away-from-the-modern-world-like-the-Amish" thing. (Sorry, spoiler alert. Damn.)

Verdict: Prayer might help. Couldn't hurt, anyway.

THE VISITOR
Director: Thomas McCarthy
UK release date: 4 July 2008
I literlly know nothing about this at all. Not a damned thing. So here's my guess at what this film is about: someone comes to visit someone else. It's a surprise, unexpected. Maybe... someone from the other person's past? Or, no wait - an ALIEN. Yes, that's much better. An alien drops down from his spaceship to visit someone unexpectedly. A young boy. A young boy without a father figure in his life. He bonds with the little alien and together they discover much about each other's lives and, in so doing, discover much about themselves. Then his mom finds out, freaks out, throws a glass of water on the alien and it melts. Prompting an attack on the Earth by the alien mothership. Which is finally destroyed when two brave but foolhearty volunteers steal an alien attack ship, fly straight into the mothership and download a computer virus that doesn't do anything, but unbeknownst to our two heroes, they are both carriers of a real virus that is deadly to the aliens and kills them all off.

Verdict: If that's what The Visitor is about, it's totally going to win.

2009 Academy Award nominations are announced in Los Angeles on 22 January ahead of the ceremony itself on 22 February.

Stay tuned for PART II of our guesswork: COMING SOON.

ALBUM REVIEW: "It's Not Me, It's You" by Lily Allen

2008-12-15T13:34:00.001Z

UK release date:
9 February 2009

There are two types of Allen: Woody and the Allen family. If you are Woody, then you are immune from abuse, no matter how much crap you've produced in the last 20 years, even if you marry your former step-daughter.

If you are a member of the Allen family at large, you are not Woody and therefore you are a talent-vacuum. The children are Mockney artistes who burst forth from their way-too-famous-by-half-even-though-he-can’t-act-sing-write-perform-but-can-get-his-willy-out-for-his-art-and-drink-and-go-to-the-Groucho-Club dad Keith.

"But that's not fair!" you say. "Stop attacking Lily and review the album itself!"

Ok then: in an internet first, we are going to interview the new album about what it’s like being an actual Lily Allen album:

The No Show: You're called "It’s Not Me, It’s You" - why is your name so annoying?
"I guess she thought it was clever. You know, she just switched the words "You" and "Me" around. She thinks that’s brilliant but I have to f**king live with it. Chinese Democracy and Circus both keep laughing at me, the c*nts."

The No Show: What's Lily like in real life?
"What do you f**king think? Every time someone plays me, her flat, tinny little voice drones out talking about her boyfriend, or council estate or crack or going on the lash. She’s a bucketload of annoying on CD and in real life."

The No Show: Why did you choose to work with her?
"No choice, mate. The Allens [except Woody] are like the mafia. Once they want something they get it. I mean, her dad Keith Allen is like the Naked Godfather or something. All because he flashed his willy for Shallow Grave. And look at that albino spunkstain of a brother of hers – he gets to go out with Ray Winstone’s hot kid and replace Harry Potter in that horse-shagging thing where he gets his old boy out. And of course Lily gets the girls our every chance she gets. It's the Allen Family shortcut to fame: get their kit off and everyone'll talk about them. Got no talent? Hey, look at my penis! Aren't my nipples interesting! Suddenly the world is your oyster. Sad but true."

The No Show: What is the difference between you and Lily’s first album, Alright, Still?
"Well, not a lot. Of course, Alright, Still sadly committed suicide a few months back. I remember him saying that the shame of that 'Smile' aberration and the fact that a girl who went to Roedean was singing about doing crack and ting like she was some working class hero was too much. In fact, if anything, I’m even more ashamed because not only am I a difficult second album, I’m a shite second album."

The No Show: What’s your favourite track on the album?
"Are you 'aving a f**king laugh? I’d rather have one of Elton John’s spunky farts on me than some of these songs. I mean just look at the titles:

The Fear: "Of f**king what? Not being noticed all the time?"

It’s Not Fair: "Oh for the love of God."

Dismiss You (AKA "Fuck You" "Get With The Brogram" "GWB" or "Guess Who Batman"): "AKA, I can’t take this anymore".

The No Show: And finally, what of the future?
"There isn’t one. I’m a one off. I could’ve been someone. But once she got her hands on me I was doomed."

[album flops over and starts crying]

And so we leave It’s Not Me, It’s You to his fate, destined for the bargain bin at the local Morrisons petrol station (now FREE with fill-up!).

Shatner Scale: Quincy cameo.
Must hear: No. The Allen clan must be stopped. Before someone gets hurt.

FILM REVIEW:Yes Man

2008-12-09T17:41:00.003Z

UK Release date:
Way too soon
Starring:
Jim Carrey and Zooey Deschanel

Simple ideas are always the best. Where would the world be without a round thing that moves other things? Hot stuff that cooks raw stuff? Puppies? Loads of extras blades on razors? A Police Academy film based in Russia?

In Yes Man, Jim Carrey has come up with the simplest film premise of all time: he's a guy who can't stop telling the truth. Oh wait, sorry, that's a different film entirely. In Liar Liar, sorry Yes Man, he plays a guy who has to say yes to everything - not for any good reason except he's wacky that way. This is based on a book by a British guy who comes up with mildly amusing one-off ideas and turns them into books and stage shows which are subsequently turned into films (see also: Tony Hawks, Dave Gorman, Mark Dolan, Dom Joly but especially Dave Gorman). His name is Danny Wallace and he has confused a one-off pub conversation with a career in comedy. Amazingly, so has everyone else.

Obviously, if you've seen Liar, Liar, you've seen Yes Man. Guy at a loose end does something extreme and wacky like tell the truth or say yes all the time, discovers life is worth living, laughs/cries along the way, learns a lesson, Randy Newman song plays out over end credits.

But we at The No Show don't play like that, so decided it was time to confront Mr Carrey with some HARD TRUTHS in the form of 50 questions that he couldn't possibly answer yes to. That's FIFTY questions people. Believe it.

So Jim, is this film really any different from Liar, Liar?
Has your move into "serious" acting with "films" like The Number 23 and The Majestic been a success?
Will you ever ever make anything as good as Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind again?
Are you still relevant as a comedian?
Do you have more to offer as an actor than gurning, shouting and looking surprised?
Would you really rather play one-joke British handjobs like Danny Wallace than complex and interesting characters like Andy Kaufmann, Truman Burbank or Horton?
Should Ace Ventura be revived as a franchise?
In the next Batman film, do you think you'd be well-cast as the Riddler... again?
Are your adult movies better than your kids' movies?
Did you enjoy your brief relationship with Renee Zellweger?
Did your dong compare well with the rest of the male cast of In Living Colour?
Did you enjoy working with Ben Stiller on the Cable Guy?
Should the sequels to some of your most successful films (The Mask, Dumb and Dumber, Bruce Almighty) been allowed anywhere near a cinema?
Do you think you look good with long hair?
Was Fun with Dick and Jane any fun at all?
Is working with Joel Schumacher - twice - a rewarding cinematic experience?
Does The Number 23 make any sense?
Will there be a sequel to Me, Myself and Irene?
Jack Nicholson called you "The Jack Nicholson of your generation". Is he right?
You are from Canada. Do you intend to move back to Canada any time soon?
Do you think Canada wants you back?
Are you really worth $20 million?
Is the name Focker really that funny - because you wrote it?
Will Yes Man be an interesting piece of work that leaves an open-ended answer rather than have a pat learn a life lesson ending?
Was Renee Zellweger better in bed than Jenny McCarthy?
If you weren't famous, do you think attractive actresses and Renee Zellweger would have slept with you anyway?
You are soon to star in I love You Phillip Morris with Ewan McGregor. He's been in lot of good films, hasn't he?
Seriously, the new Star Wars films were great, weren't they?
In The Number 23, there's a character call Topsy Kretts, is that the best name for a character ever?
In Fun with Dick and Jane, you starred with Tea Leoni. Did you or any of the crew manage to find her personality?
In Lemony Snickett's A Series of Unfortunate Events, you starred with Meryl Streep. Do you think your performance, which clogged up most of the screen, was better than Meryl's relatively brief appearance?
Your co-star in Bruce Almighty was Jennifer Aniston. Have you seen any of her other movies?
Do you think you should have got an Oscar for The Majestic?
Your films just get funnier and funnier as your career goes on, don't they?
Did you enjoy the witty banter with Tommy "Laugh machine Lee" Jones on Batman Forever?
Next Christmas, we'll see you as Ebenezer Scrooge in A Christmas Carol. Do you really think anyone wants that?
Are you happy about continually losing out on big roles like Jack Sparrow and Willy Wonka to Johnny Depp?
Did you deserve the $25,000,000 for Bruce Almighty? And before you answer, remember: that's $12,500,000 per laugh and we saw those in the trailer.)
Are you proud of Earth Girls Are Easy?
Do you think your version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas has replaced the earlier animated version as a beloved annual Christmas classic?
Do you think you'll ever go back and finish high school?
Do you think you'll ever win an Oscar?
Isn't that Jamie Kennedy funny in Son of the Mask?
After taking on Danny Wallace's Yes Man, do you think you'd like to do a version of Dave Gorman's seminal one-joke TV series/book/website/tour/lecture I am Dave Gorman?
Is Dave Gorman funny?
Are you a better Canadian than Bill Shatner?
Is a Jim Carrey movie (that's any Jim Carrey movie) better than the movie Carrie?
You make a habit of playing damaged people or people who hide behind masks and voiceovers. Is that because you are such a good actor and so well-balanced?
Have you ever been to Dundee (where Danny Wallace was born)?
Terence Stamp is great. He was General Zod in Superman II and the voice of Jor-El in the new Superman TV show and he played the very cool transsexual in The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert and now he's starring in bloody Yes Man with you. Would this be a career highlight for him?

So. Wanna watch the trailer? Didn't think so...

FILM REVIEW: "Klaatu Banana Nikto!" (aka The Day Keanu Stood Still)

2008-12-06T12:41:00.012Z

UK release date: 12 December
Starring: ~~A well-dressed plank of wood~~ Keanu Reeves

Instead of reviewing The Day the Earth Stood Still, which we all know will be an action- and CGI-packed remake of a much better film completely ruined by the thoroughly wooden acting skills of one Keanu Reeves (dude, go back to playing brain dead Bill & Ted types, MUCH funnier), we at The No Show have decided instead to feature the following recipe for Banana Muffins. Because, at the end of the day, which would you prefer: disappointment as Keanu fails yet again to convince anyone that he can do anything except stand still and look earnest while not doing much of anything at all on screen? Or a batch of delicious banana muffins, fresh out of the oven (yum yum)? I know which one I'd choose.

KLAATU BARADA NIKTO BANANA MUFFINS

Dry ingredients

280g self raising flour*
110g unrefined caster sugar
1 tsp bicarb soda
pinch of salt

Wet ingredients

3 ripe bananas
half tsp vanilla essence
90ml milk
90ml veg oil
1 egg

Topping
75g packed brown sugar
15g all-purpose flour
1 tbsp ground cinnamon (or according to taste)
15g butter (COLD)

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). Lightly grease 10 muffin cups, or line with muffin papers.

Mix all the dry ingredients together in a big bowl.

Put all other ingredients in a food processor and wizz until liquidised. If you don't have a processor mash bananas well with a fork and mix with other wet ingredients.

Pour wet mix into flour mix and fold in with a spoon until combined (don't overmix).

For the topping

In a small bowl, mix together brown sugar, 2 tablespoons flour and cinnamon. Cut in 1 tablespoon butter until mixture resembles coarse cornmeal. Sprinkle topping over muffins (before you bake).

Or, if you have a processor, put everything in and whizz until mix resembles breadcrumbs

Bake in preheated oven for 18 to 20 minutes, until a toothpick inserted into the centre of a muffin comes out clean.

*Mixture shouldn't be too runny - if need be, add extra flour.

Best. Klaatu Barada Nikto Banana Muffins. Ever.

And MUCH better than The Day The Earth Stood Still. Promise.

Patrick Swayze: Not Dead Yet

2008-12-03T13:56:00.017Z

Despite earlier reports that Patrick Swayze was on his deathbed due to the cancer, The Swayze himself came out swinging this week, calling up People magazine from his ~~deathbed~~ very-much-alive bed to say that it was all "lies and false information". (Which are more or less the same thing, but we're not going to push it - the man isn't well after all.)

Now, we’re not man crushing on The Swayze or anything, but we're surely a man as mighty as he could never be taken down by something as crude as cancer? Gun shot? Sure. Hit by a car while in mid-flight firing two guns simultaneously at a band of terrorists? OK, maybe. Nudged hard by a fellow dancer while performing the always compelling but sometimes life threatening flying swan lake lift? Absolutely. But cancer? We refuse to accept it.

This is the man, after all, who would never let Baby be put in a corner.

This is the man who made sweet, sweet, sloppy slimy pottery love to Semi Moore, before she divorced Bruce Willis, shaved her head, worked out, became a man, changed her mind, bought some boobs and married a man-boy to prove once and for all that Bruce Willis wasn’t the one who ended things, dammit.

This is the man who turned a slimy motivational paedophile into a darned lovable character.

So, here’s to Patrick Swayze, with his dazzling smile and lovingly plastic good looks – keep that carefully sculpted chin up, my dancing fool friend. We’re thinking of you. And there’s a good chance that at least one of us would not say no to a bit of bum loving from the Swayze. If he asked. (So long as we could be on top and if he agreed to let us call him Patricia throughout. Plus he’d have to let his hair grow.)

And we ask that anyone out there who spots The Swayze, be it at a local pharmacy buying up all the vitamins in sight or wandering the streets in a daze, peddling his best Dick Van Dyke impression, give him a pat on the shoulder, ruffle his hair (careful you don’t cut yourself) or just a good old shake of the hand. And if (knock on wood) you should ever be struck by the cancer, you can say "If it’s good enough for The Swayze, dammit, it’s good enough for me.”

Patrick Swayze we salute you.

(Not to be mistaken for this man.)

Remember: no-one puts Swayze in a deathbed!

Heroes Exclusive: The Greg Grunberg Twitterview

2008-12-02T22:40:00.009Z

For the foul-mouther pimply teens among you (and I know there are a few of you, mostly here for the rude words), Greg Grunberg is best known for playing that guy who gets killed in JJ Abrams' partially-seen monster spectacular, Cloverfield. Or that other guy who gets killed in the JJ Abrams remake of The Prisoner, better known as Lost.

For those of you born before 1994, he's best known as Eric Weiss, the always excellent foil to Jennifer Garner's various wigs in Alias (FYI, best thing JJ Abrams ever did - seriously).

For the even more ancient among you, he's Sean Blumberg in Felicity - sorry, can you all hear me over the sound of your walkers scraping against the linoleum floor in the Old Folks Home? Ok then. Yes, he was in Felicity, yet another JJ Abrams show but one I never saw because I'm a man and there were no guns, spies, partially seen monsters or zombies in it. (Oh who am I kidding, I couldn't watch it because the subtly touching human melodrama had me weeping so much that I couldn't focus on the screen long enough to last a full episode.)

But for the vast majority of you, Greg Grunberg is of course known for his role as the eye squinting, head tilting, mind reading, teleporting, turtle loving former cop and full-time Hero, Matt Parkman on the ultra super cool, entirely non-JJ Abrams -related cult hit show Heroes, now in its third nail biting and always wonderfully confusing third series.

With all of this in mind, it is with no small amount of pleasure and obsequiousness that we at The No Show can announce that we have secured, via the magical world of Twitter, an actual for real interview with an actual celebrity who is currently appearing in a TV show that we actually watch: Greg Grunberg.

And so, here, for your reading pleasure, is the full transcript of the magical exchange, word for word, just as it took place:

@greggrunberg Any time for a Twitterview? Q1: On a scale of 1-5*, how awesome is this season of Heroes? Q2: Will it get even more awesomer?

greggrunberg @thenoshow A1) I'd say this season is about a 4+ so far. A2) This season goes to 11.

@greggrunberg That's a lot of awesome. I may have trouble sleeping tonight. Thx.

And there you have it: Greg Grunberg - "Grunny" to his mates - is cranking the Heroes awesomeness to 11, people. Be prepared to have your tiny minds blown by his squinting eyed, head tilting madness in the coming months.

Coming Soon: @wilw and @greggrunberg - the Twitter Conversations

* 1 being William Shatner in original Star Trek, 5 being William Shatner in a Quincy cameo.

ALBUM REVIEW: Intuition by Jamie Foxx

2008-12-01T12:11:00.015Z

UK Release date: 16 December

Is there nothing this man can’t do?

He can act (Ray).
He can sing (Ray).
He can play the piano (Ray).
He can pretend to be blind (Ray).
He can sing, act, play the piano
and pretend to be blind at the same time (Ray).
He can do comedy (Ray and his feebly titled DVD, I Might Need Security – because, y'know, he’s not crazy or dangerous or popular enough to really need security right now, but he might, eventually or at some point in the future, get crazy or dangerous or popular enough to need it. But not right now.*)
He can misspell Fox (Foxx).
He can drive (Ray).

Sadly, Foxx has been so busy recently with films (Ray) and his world famous cat sanctuary and salad dressing emporium that he’s had to put his burgeoning music career on the backburner.

Butnow, thank Jehovah, Buddha and Allah, he’s back with Intuition.

There can be no doubt that is a smooth selection of party jams, smooth soul grooves, jazz-lite confections and slick RnB – all powered by Foxx’s Oscar-winning talent, bravado and star presence and general Oscar-worthiness. Did we mention he won an Oscar? For Ray? Which is a film he made?

We expect Foxx to get Foxxy on tracks with creative and endlessly ambiguous titles like Lick You All Over (Touch My Nut Sack), Courvoisier, Champagne and Tang, and our favourite, Ain’t Nobody (Humpin’ Mo').

And he’s really gonna get the party started with jams such as Get This Muh'Fuh Party Started Right (extended Muh'Fuh mix), Get Up and Dance (Blind Muh'Fuh mix), Get On the Muh'Fuh Floor and Do It Muh'Fuh Style, and the now legendary Shake That Muh'Fuh Ass Muh'Fuh (or I’ll do another bad remake of an overrated TV show. Fuck Miami Vice – maybe this time I’ll remake MacGyver, Murder, She Wrote or Brideshead Revisited or Babylon 5, bitch).

So, if you like comedians who become actors who become musical actors who become musicians who starred in Dreamgirls who then go back to making movies then we suggest you buy anything by Eddie Murphy.

Shatner Scale: Denny Muh'Fuh Crane.
Must see: Maybe. Because the man is blind and drove a car on film (Ray) and that's gotta count for something.

(What do you mean...? He's NOT? Seriously? Wow. He should get an Oscar for that... He did? Well OK then.)

* NO SHOW DISCLAIMER: That bit about I Might Need Security should not be construed as an actual No Show review because I’ve seen it so I can’t review it. But trust me, he does not now, nor will he ever need security. And it’s shite.

Coming eventually to a cinema near you: War Monkeys

2008-11-26T14:10:00.007Z

Straight from The Hollywood Reporter: "Sammo Hung is negotiations to star in War Monkeys, a horror comedy shaping up to be the biggest feature yet from the independent arm of Dark Horse Films."

"The horror comedy follows two janitors who, during a Christmas holiday, get trapped in an underground research facility after accidentally unleashing military-trained Rhesus monkeys. Hung is one of the janitors who battles the rabid simians."

The No Show would just like to go on record as saying that this is possibly the most awesomest idea ever.

Assuming Dark Horse hits its proposed start date of "early 2009", we at The No Show are already planning our 2009 Xmas holidays* around the inevitably-festive release date of what could well be the most highly anticipated event in cinematic history. Ever.

And it will definitely be better than the pitiful remake of Planet of the Apes. "Damn you straight to hell" indeed.

*We're going to assume that, even with a mix of real, animatronic and CGI monkeys, this puppy will be in the can and on a screen near within nine months, start to finish. Even with international distribution delays. Because when something's as good as what War Monkeys is gonna be, nothing can stop it. Monkey style.

Photo taken by Kabir Bakie at the Cincinnati Zoo May, 2005, reproduced here under the Creative Commons Share Alike 2.5 License

Oldboy: Smith & Spielberg must be stopped

2008-11-24T20:32:00.011Z

While the many many (Ed's note: two) scribes here at The No Show will usually opt for laughs over accuracy or detail, news is reaching our ears that Will Smith seriously wants to remake Oldboy. (Not the film, apparently; the original manga.) And he wants to remake Oldboy with Steven Spielberg. And Dreamworks. And the co-scriptwriter behind I Am Legend.

With this in mind, I feel I need to drop the whole "funny" thing and get down to brass tacks: they must be stopped. By any means.

Smith and Spielberg and Dreamworks and I Am Legend screenwriter and Hollywood in general Must. Be. Stopped. Doing. This. Shit.

Frankly, I don't care if they're remaking the film or the manga or the book of the film of the promotional napkin of the book of the film of the manga. They just have to be stopped.

Why? First, a quick recap of the film/manga: Oldboy follows a man's kidnapping, his years of imprisonment in a private jail/locked hotel and quest for revenge when he is let go, more or less arbitrarily.

Now, I haven't seen the original film. But that's not the point - I haven't seen any of the stuff we review here. Here's the real problem: from the many many minutes of searching I did on the internets, I have discovered that the most memorable bits of the films involve a hammer as a weapon; the removal of a tongue by the owner of said tongue; the actual eating of something best described as "living sushi" (octopus - the internets cannot confirm whether this was prepared or just chomped on, though it does claim that four living octupi were chomped for the scene*); quite a lot of incest and a few suicides. Oh, and an ambiguous ending.

Now, what are the chances that Smith and Spielberg and Dreamworks and I Am Legend co-screenwriter and Hollywood in general are going to be able to do ANY of that on screen? Have THEY seen the film or the manga or whatever? Because I haven't and even I know there's no way any of that's going to end up on several thousand screens across the US.

And if it's not, then what is the point? Does the world need a watered-down version of Oldboy? No it does not.

Oldboy has a specific audience: hardcore fanboys of Asian "world" cinema (translation: more gore = more box office). But it surpassed it's own limitations by throwing up philosophical (sometimes existential, often nihilistic) questions in the midst of the carnage, as only truly awesome kung-fu flicks will do. (And again, I haven't seen Oldboy. But I do have an MA in Eng Lit from university. So this is all relevant.) But while Oldboy can get away with examining the nature of violence mid-punch, Will Smith and the rest do not. American-made action films are all action for action's sake and pithy comebacks and happy endings and the hero coming out victorious with his moral centre shaken but not stirred.

Oldboy is no hero. He's no anti-hero. He's just a mess. And not like a Will Smith as Hancock mess, we're talking proper fucked up incest and cut out tongues and chomping on octopus kinda nasty shit. So Will Smith and his might-be-Scientologists crew really really really need to be stopped and give the money they would spend on this film to charity. Or go remake The Man in The White Suit. Buy stocks. Anything. Just do not remake Oldboy.

The world of cinema would be ever so grateful.

We now return you to your otherwise hilarious world of No Show antics.

(* When asked whether he felt sorry for the actor having to eat the living octopus, the director replied, "I feel worse for the octopus". Violent AND funny. Eat THAT Smith!)

THE NO SHOW CELEBRITY STAR INTERVIEW: Max Baldwin

2008-11-21T08:21:00.018Z

In the first of what may or may not turn out to be an irregular weekly slot, we interview family members of famous people.

This week: Max Baldwin.

Max Baldwin requires no introduction. Sorry, scratch that: Alec Baldwin requires no introduction. Max Baldwin on the other hand requires a lot of introduction. Max is the youngest and newest member of the ~~outrageously lucky~~ talented Baldwin acting dynasty, and has set his sights on breaking the family trend and becoming a fabulously successful actor, instead of another Baldwin who gets gigs because he's called Baldwin.

Noshow: Welcome, Max Baldwin.

Max Baldwin: Hi and welcome, I'm Max Baldwin.

Noshow: Yes. Thank you. So, we understand that you're starring in a new film Buffalo on a Turnpike, which is out on DVD this week, is that right?

Max Baldwin: Yes, that's right, and I'm very excited because this is the very first English language film that has ever entirely by-passed the cinema, rental stores and shops, and gone directly to gas station bargain bins across the US.

No Show: Buffalo on a Turnpike - or BOAT as the fanboys are calling it - is the story of an obese cop who has to hunt down a serial jaywalker, while at the same time dealing with own weight and sweat issues. Why is it called Buffalo on a Turnpike then?

Max Badwin: Well, the company behind the production, Turnpike Motorcycles, decided that it wanted to have a dramatic title to catch people's attention.

No Show: Catch their attention while buying gas, you mean?

Max Baldwin: Indeed, and I agreed with them: if you watch to catch flies, you have to use a little honey after all. Am I right?

No Show: Why would anyone want to catch flies...?

Max Baldwin: And after Stephen had so much success with Shark in Venice and Daniel was nearly Oscar nominated for Beach Party at the Threshold of Hell and William, not Billy, knocked it out of the park with his performance in American Fork, I thought this title had possibilities.

No Show: Kill flies, sure. But catch them? That's just weird.

Max Baldwin: I also felt I had to show a different side to the Baldwins. Everyone knows us as super-talented, politically active guys with marriage, weight, alcohol and drug issues, but actually we're just regular guys who like to kick back and watch a game with a brewski. And some coke. And a few choice hookers we know. But only if the wife's away. And that's why I made Buffalo. For all the regular guys.

No Show: And for Turnpike Motorcycles. Correct me if I'm wrong - and I admit, this is just my expert opinion - but isn't this some sort of promotional film for Turnpike Motorcycles?

Max Baldwin: No no no no, they're the producers, that's all. We were given total creative freedom. They just put up the money. And all of their top of the line Turnpike Motorcycles, including the Powerhouse SX5000 which is now available with convenient financing options at Turnpike Motorcycles outlet near you.

No Show: And what about Alec? He's kind of... how can we put this... inexplicably successful right? Is he impressed by your work?

Max: Alec is successful? Really? Well, he can't successfully spell Alex, can he? I mean that's his name. He's done ok but you can't really compare him with Billy, sorry, William, Stevie, sorry Stephen and whatshisname, sorry Daniel. They're the real go getters. But to answer your question: Alec personally called me up himself when he heard about my successful entry into the gas station DVD record books and said "Nice one y'little pig face". So I'd guess you could say he's impressed.

No Show: Or drunk. And mistakenly calling you instead of his daughter.

Max Baldwin: Yes. That is a possibility. But I prefer to think of it as validation and approval from one Baldwin to another.

No Show: That's all the time we have for this week's semi-irregular celebrity interview. Our thanks to Max Baldwin for his time.

Max Baldwin: And to Turnpike Motorcycles.

Noshow: ...

Max Baldwin: They're awesome. Or I'm not Alex Baldwin.

Noshow: You're an idiot. Goodnight from The No Show.

Max Baldwin: Welcome and goodbye! I'm Max Baldwin!

The pic of the Baldwin is from Wikimedia by David Shankbone under the Creative Commons Attribution ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.

GUEST FILM REVIEW: Twilight (reviewed by Hawkblades, 12 years old but totally turning 13 in 9 months)

2008-11-19T14:54:00.013Z

Release date: OMG!! totally really soon. this is gonig ot be teh COOLEST thing like evah!!!!!
Starring: some of like teh COOLEST AND HOTTEST AND SEXY actors and LOL. BEST. MOVIE. EVAR.

This is teh cool I am so stoked about twilight because me and Brad and Donna G. and Donna P. and Max and that butthole Carl are going to the 6am showing because that is like Twilight that is so rad because we will be watching Twilight at Twilight.

Donna P. says I look like Edward Cullen, he's liek teh cool vampire guy and he's totally emo and Bella Swan liek totally loves him in the movie but they can't be together because she is human and he is a total vampire. And that's like me and Donna P. Her dad thinks I'm a butthole and he won't let me see her and I'm all like screw you old man, I love Donna P. and she's all like I'm so hot for me and she's a totally Megan Fox so like Twlight is liek that Scottish guy who wrote that movie Romeo + Juliet, which was way cool when Leo D. and Claire D all had guns and were liek fighting and then kissed in the gas statuion and there was really cool music and the book, which we had to read at school was liek so crazy. So if you don't see tWILight, you are not a cool geek like Jared Leto but liek those guys in that commercial who are like total geeks. Twlight is best, there are vampires and fighting and hotness and the vampires are totally awesome and it's like my life. No really, Donna P. said we like have to see it because its totally about us.
ZOMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shatner Scale: Whatevs. FAIL.
Must See: HEELLLLLLLSYEAHHHHH!!!!! OMGZ!!!!!!!!!

FILM REVIEW: Max Payne (reviewed entirely in bad doodle)

2008-11-18T13:52:00.002Z

UK release date: 14 November
Starring: Max Wahlberg. No, wait, Marky Mark Payne.

Shatner Scale: Kirk
Must see: Yes. Because this is a film based on a video game, so it HAS to be good.

Film review: Australia

2008-11-17T14:09:00.001Z

UK release date: Boxing Day
Starring: Nicole Kidman, Hugh Jackman and a lot of Australians

Big huge balls. That's what you need if you're going to name your film after a country. Giant cojones of lead that are impervious to all attack.

Just think about it. No one's had the swollen sack to call a film Britain, or China, or Denmark or even France. Even directors from crap countries like New Zealand, Lichtenstein and Vanuatu (apologies but, really, your countries aren't up there with the likes of Portugal, Morocco and Peru - and those are all barely scraping into the second division of nations) don't have the scrotal strength to name their celluloid odysseys after their own nation.

So just how big is director's Baz Luhrmann's bean bag? Well, imagine that sack that the Elephant Man wore on his head. Now double that - with both heads in there - and then double that. And that a rough approximation of the grain sacks that "Brass Balls" Baz has down there.

On the set of the film, stars (and I use the word loosely) Kidman and Jackman (also two lesser known members of the Justice League - Kidman, who can make anyone believe that she's a she and an actress; Jackman, whose special power is the ability to be both macho and intensely camp at the same time) were so impressed with Luhrmann's conker container that they would take turns shaving it and then polishing it with a chamois cloth each morning.

The film itself (and the country it is named after) is irrelevant when compared to Luhrmann's sperm satchel and its size. A two hour documentary of how he gets trousers big enough for that bad boy is what we want to see - does he only wear sarongs? Has he stolen Hammer's trousers? Does he just use a wheelbarrow? How does he sit down?

Oh and if you don't believe me about his onion bag then remember this is the man who put Terence Stamp in a dress; re-imagined Kidman as a French Whore; got us to think that Ewan McGregor could sing, dance and act; and tried to re-educate society to the fact that it was Shakespeare who wrote Romeo and Juliet... sorry, Romeo + Juliet (= just how big are those gooey boulders, Baz? You're messing with Shakespeare).

And the fact that he caved in to studio pressure and gave the film a happy ending does not mean his vast testes are any less vast. In fact, er, he wanted it that way. Yeah, that's right, it's the ending he wanted all along, like he told ABC News in Australia:

"You really think that on my films people tell me what to do? I don't think so," he said. "On my films I decide. I wrote six endings and I shot three... There is a death at the end of this film, but it's a surprise how that works."

The fact that he went back into the editing room and promised not to come out until it was happier and less sad and just what the audience wanted had nothing to do with compromising his directorial vision, like he also told ABC news in Australia:

"I'm going back to the mixing desk to finish it in 24 hours," he said. "It's right on the edge, we're right up against it. I literally have to, on Friday night, push that button. This is really dangerous, I hope there's no problem with the plane going back."

So there you have it: Baz Luhrmann. All man, all the time.

UPDATE: Rumours that the "surprise" death at the end of the film is that of Lurhmann's integrity have neither been confirmed or denied by anyone. Or asked of anyone. We couldn't be bothered. And we started the rumour.

UPDATED UPDATE: All Australians hope Lurhmann's vast balls can duplicate the Crocodile Dundee effect and revive the country-continent's flagging tourist industry. Is there nothing this man's testes cannot do?

Shatner Scale: Kirk
Must see: Yes. Just for the balls.

BOOK REVIEW: "The Tales of Beedle the Bard" by JK Rowling

2008-11-15T22:53:00.009Z

UK Release: 4 December 2008

I may be wrong, but isn't JK Rowling richer than God?

Seriously, if she wanted, couldn't she walk into any town hall pretty much anywhere in the world, open her purse and just outright buy the town with her small change? And then bulldoze the place and build a nice casino with the even smaller change lodged in the folds of the purse?

So why then did she decide that she would write yet another book? (She apparently wrote a bunch of other books about some boy wizard and no, it wasn't Johnny Mysto. I know, I was surprised too.)

OK OK, I know, she created the original handcrafted copies of Tales for friends and charity, but come on: surely she could have handed over the cash directly to the charity instead of wasting our time? Amazon bought one of them for £1,950,000 for Christ's sake. (AND they now insist on waffling on about it being an "artefact".)

So anyway, having decided to do this thing where she creates yet another something that makes loads of money with the good intention of said money being given to charity, why then publish a paperback of the stupid thing for general release, with only a more expensive "special edition" hardback giving some of the proceeds to charity? Everyone's going to buy the cheap as chips paperback and all that money's going straight into JK's already scary sized bank account.

UPDATE: All net proceeds from sales of this unnecessary book are going to charity. So it is An Good Thing. But still: JK darling, you're richer than God - just give your own money away. Then if you must, print up a few zillion copies of Tales and hand it out for free. There's no way you're going to run out of money. Unless all those lawsuits are cutting into your mad money?

Anyway, Tales of Beedle and the Bard is a thing from one of those other books she wrote, the last one I think and it was referred to in there so all these wannabe wizards will piss their pants with glee because oooh now they have a copy of the book that was in the book and how awesome is that and now I have to put on my wizard hat and take out my wand and wave it around and around and around and JK can go on pretending she's as Important and Literary as JRR Tolkein and that this is her Adventures of Tom Bombadil when she's at best an adequate storyteller with a seriously overrated talent.

Ok, that was harsh. I quite like the Weasleys. Don't tell anyone.

Shatner rating: Denny Crane
Should I bother? Buy it if you want - you're going to anyway, right? But give some money to charity too. That part's a good idea.

MUSIC REVIEW: "Dark Horse" by Nickelback

2008-11-13T14:11:00.002Z

UK release date: 17 November

According to the UK's Guardian newspaper, lead singer songwriter of Nickelback Chad Kroeger has the distinction of having written the worst song ever ("Rockstar" - "In summary, this song makes literally no sense and is the worst thing of all time").

He also has the distinction of the worst hair in rock, the worst dress sense in rock and being the lead singer of a band with the dumbest band name or name of anything ever named (except for "Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii", the kid in New Zealand - the courts order her name changed because it was stupid - Nickelback deserves nothing less).

Chad Kroeger's real name is "Chad Robert Turton". So he changed his surname and picked "Kroeger"? The freak.

Anyway, the latest horror to be released by this band that keeps topping the charts despite any evidence of any talent or quality songwriting or anything like that is called Dark Horse. And since the band is very very very literal in everything it does, I'm guessing it's meant to reflect the fact that Nickelback manages to sell millions of copies of their albums despite the fact that they are consistently shite. Which makes them a kind of dark horse. Right?

No. It does not. It makes them very very rich and popular with a lot of kids who themselves probably think they are "dark horses" when they are, in fact, fairly well off suburban rich white kids angry at the world for giving them pimples and stuff.

The fact that the Dark Horse album cover looks a bit like the Rolling Stones album cover with the zipper that really works is just sad. Especially because the Nickelback cover doesn't have a working zipper. Instead, it has a ridiculous big belt buckle, like the kind you would see on some guy in a cowboy bar or a biker bar who isn't really a cowboy or a biker but is in fact cruising for some greasy haired man on man action.

Speaking of greasy haired man on man action: according to Amazon - which is a website where you can find like totally everything by the way - the first track of Dark Horse is called "Something In Your Mouth".

The fourth track is called "I'd Come For You".

Track five is called "Next Go Round". And track seven is "Never Gonna Be Alone" while track nine is called "S.E.X.".

So Chad Kroeger is apparently horny like a horndog slamming its crotch against a mushy cushion for lack of any other bad hair action.

So why is track eight called "Shakin Hands"? Is the Chad-miester crashing out on us, dude? Is he bailing at the last second because he thought he was gonna git some S.E.X. with a study biker cowboy dark horse but instead ends up with a meet n greet? Or is "Shakin Hands" a euphemism for a hand job in greasy biker/cowboy speak? I wouldn't know.

Only Chad knows. And he's keeping it to himself.

Shatner Rating: Quincy cameo
Worth a listen? No. Please no. Someone must stop them - NOW!

The pic of Chad Kroeger is from Wikimedia and uses a GNU Free Documentation License thing.

FILM REVIEW: Zack and Miri Make a Porno

2008-11-11T13:19:00.000Z

UK Release Date: 14 November
Starring: Elizabeth Banks, Seth Rogen, Gerry Bednob

Zack and Miri Make a Porno is a Kevin Smith movie by Kevin Smith. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking: "Porno. I like porno. I should go see this film about the making of a porno, yes?"

But Wait™ – think about it. Do you REALLY want to see a porno being made? Porno is like sausages and laws: everybody likes them, but no-one should ever see how they're made. Except for vegetarians and anarchists, who do not like sausages or laws, respectively. And if they saw either being made, they would probably try to disrupt things, which is the last thing you want when a porno is involved.

Also, think about this: pornography, as we all know, was invented by Leonardo Da Vinci, shortly before he invented the helicopter and the automatic coffeemaker, and just before he invented Dan Brown. Between his famous anatomically correct sketches of organs and body parts were steamy little vignettes of Leo and that hot stud from down the plaza, the one with the nipples like Roman coins. This is a FACT.

Pornography is also the lifeblood of the web (and New York's Central Park - see Steve Guttenberg) and the only thing preventing the internet from becoming a carefully regulated arm of the Department of Homeland Security.

But pornography on film? Madness. Who would want to sit in a cinema with a bunch of other people watching yet other people groping and penetrating each other if various ways with various body parts? Except Paul Reubens, I mean?

Kevin Smith would, that's who.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno is a Kevin Smith movie by Kevin Smith, which means it'll be a Kevin Smith film.

In other words:

- Fast paced dialogue interrupted by long awkward pauses. Possibly drug induced.
- Pop culture references. Possibly drug related.
- "Slacker talk", ie "awesome", "dude", "whassup" "are you shittin me?"
- Kevin Smith., cameo or otherwise. Definitely drug inspired.
- Sluggish, dopey laughter. Possibly drug related or induced, definitely inspired.
- Jason Mewes. Possibly selling or buying drugs.

So, basically, this Kevin Smith movie by Kevin Smith will be a Kevin Smith film. But with Gerry "Go fuck a goat" Bednob. And that's gotta mean something.

So, to summarise: many many people like the porno, but don't want to watch it being made; absolutely no-one wants to see Kevin Smith naked; Gerry Bednob is very funny, mostly because he's old and swears a lot. Should you see it? Very possibly maybe yes.

Shatner rating: Denny Crane
Should I bother? Maybe. For The Bednob. The man is a genius.

NO SHOW NEWS: UB40, Daniel Day Lewis, Bono and more

2008-11-08T17:58:00.019Z

As the saying goes, No Show News is good news, so let's get it on.

Popstar in court over cartoon rat

Cod-reggae cover artists UB40 are to sue animation giants Pixar over the film Ratatouille, which they claim was plagarised from their hit song Rat in mi kitchen.

Lead singer One of the Campbell brothers said (in a strange Ja-fake-an patios): "Da ting is we wrote Rat in da kitchen about a rat who likes to cook and ting and den dis group of haters come along and make a film about it and don't even ask us and ting. We is well going to sue dem."

Pixar, makers of Toy Story, Cars, Wall-E and Finding Nemo said: 'Who the f**k are UB40?'

Breaking News: Fish from Marillion may also be suing over Finding Nemo because it "had fish in it" and Gary Numan is also considering litigation over Cars. Because of the cars, and the things that are in them. According to a person standing near Numan, "Gaz is wary about opening himself up to lawsuits from David Bowie for, y'know, stealing his entire stage persona. So he might not sue. But he totally should."

Even more breaking news: This just in from the not-often-read Hurriyet Daily News (via Defamer.com) – "The mayor of Batman, a city [in Turkey] recently under scrutiny due to unsolved murders and increasing rates of female suicides, will sue the director of the movie Batman movie."

According to Hurriyet, the mayor is quoted as saying "The royalty of the name 'Batman' belongs to us... There is only one Batman in the world. The American producers used the name of our city without informing us."

According to other less reliable reports, Batman director Christopher Nolan is understood not to give a shit.

Day Lewis set to play Craig David

Oscar-winner and professional shouter (Silver Throat level) Daniel Day Lewis is set to play Craig David in a new bio-pic. Lewis is currently wrapping his latest Oscar attempt entitled Me, Me and Me.

"Me, me and me is the best film of my long and brilliant career. The director, God, is a personal friend and wanted me to do this for ages. Essentially, it's 15 hours of me, me, me shouting at meself, Meself, meself in a lovely mirror about whatever I want. Milkshakes, burgers, fries, you name it, I shout it... in a strange accent."

When asked about the upcoming Craig David biopic, Lewis twisted his beautiful face into a grimace, threw his beatific and sinewy hands in the air and enigmatically intoned: "I met him Monday, I took him for a drink on Tuesday..." At that point, this reporter walked out.

New Zombie movie gets the greenlight
Great news for lovers of the undead as yet another zombie movie is set to be unleashed. Not satisfied with Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, Shaun of the Dead, Flight of the Living Dead, Diary of the Dead, Land of the Dead, 28 Days/Weeks later, Zombie Strippers and Dead Set, Zombie-loving director George A. Romero is about to start shooting on his latest flesh feast, Dead of the Dead - but this one looks set to be a little different.

'In Dead of the Dead, or Dod as we call it, we will deal with the complex issue of zombie bereavement. It's about zombies coming to terms to their loss and bravely overcoming obstacles. How does a zombie husband deal with the death of a spouse while chowing down on his daughter's shin-bone? I've never really covered this ground before but I think it'll be a surprise."

Rumours abound that Meryl Streep, Liam Neeson, Kenneth Branagh and Sydney Poitier have all signed. Dead of the Dead opens next spring.

Cate Blanchett transparency problem
Pallid, Oscar-winning, poorly spelt Actress with a capital A Cate Blanchett (really name Kate Blanket) has admitted today that she is suffering from X-rayitis. A source close to Kate/Cate said: "The beloved should-be dame is becoming increasingly see-through and if you hold her up the light you can see her bones just like you could with those 79 cent X-ray specs from the back of comic books. She's wafer thin. It's a tradegy."

Blanchett/Blanket, who many people confuse with Nicole Kidman, has set up a charity for other suffering from this crippling ailment. For more log on to www.cateblanchettshouldstayoutofthesun.com

It was Radiohead what won it

In a staggering turn of events, it was revealed today that popular Oxford-born miserabilists Radiohead actually won the US presidency, before generously handing the title over to Barack Obama. Vocalist and self-proclaimed saviour Thom Yorke is quoted as saying: "When we decided to give our new single "After the dust settles, all that's left is a single tear" away in exchange for votes, we thought it'd be a decent joke but so many people wanted it that we ended up winning the damn thing."

The band deliberated on whether they were the right choice for president of the world's largest democracy and, while Yorke believes they were, he was outvoted by the bald one and the two others and handed the title to Obama.

"Hey, Radiohead is a democracy too," laughed Yorke - his first ever laugh.

Bono "does it for the kids"

As Britain cowers in fear of hoodies, knife crime and gangs of feral kids that look like that one out of Mad Max 2, U2 frontman Bono Vox (not his given name) has come up with an idea which may save the country from drowning in a sea of blood. His new charity "Make Puberty History" hopes to raise enough money to help teenagers cut out those difficult years between 12 and 19.

The man behind that song from Batman Forever and the one about zoos said in a statement: "I believe the one way to save these kids is to Make Puberty History. No spots, tantrums, loneliness, disaffection or wanking. I will save them because I am Bono Vox."

Funnily enough Bono Vox means good voice in Latin - no seriously, it does.

IN BRIEF

Gok Wan's name is funny
Yes it is. It just is. Not my fault, just is, alright?

Britain's next top Rod Hull
The hunt for a new hand to go up Emu's arse starts on BBC3 on Tuesday at 11.30 after three episodes of Gavin and Stacey and the complete third season of Two pints of Lager.

Buddha signs up for next season of The Apprentice
Headline explains story.

Correction: Hitler did NOT have only one ball

IN PRODUCTION

Daddy Daycare 3 - Crack Babies

Glengarry Glen Ross Kemp

The Incredible Elephant Man

All images licenced under Creative Commons Attribution ShareAlike 2.0 or in public domain, according to Wikimedia, which is where we found them, Ok? Ok.

Guttenberg naked or Shatner venting? Who could possibly choose?

2008-11-05T22:56:00.008Z

When it comes right down to it, having to choose between video of Steve Guttenberg jogging sans pants through Central Park or William Shatner venting for 4 minutes about not being invited to George Takai's now possibly no longer legal gay Buddhist wedding, frankly, we just can't decide.
[via Defamer via YouTube via Videogum via... oh who the hell can even remember?]

ELECTION SPECIAL 2: OBAMA - THE MOVIE

2008-11-05T15:51:00.015Z

The No Show has already proven the value of completely uninformed and very biased opinion by calling the current election correctly well before the first results began to roll in.
This is just a FACT.

Now the United States faces a very complicated question: who will play the various people in Obama's as yet undecided Cabinet when the inevitable film version of his life is made, probably by Oliver Stone (or Michael Bay, with extra explosive White House action sequences and 17 limo versus helicopter versus subway car chases)?

The No Show has a few choice suggestions.

Barack Obama: As we've already said, it's gotta be Steve Guttenberg. He'll tan up for the project, he's totally Method.

First Lady Michelle Obama: Whoopie Goldberg. She'll lose 75lbs, cut her hair and travel back in time to her Colour Purple days, so that she's young enough to pull it off, with the added benefit that she won't have to date Ted Danson this time.

Vice President Joe Biden Obama: Al Pacino. On stilts. Wearing a Nixon mask.

Chief of Staff Obama: With the announcement that Rahm Emanuel is taking on this role for real, it's gotta be Adam Arkin. Or maybe a pre-op transsexual Ms Doubtfire as played by Robin Williams not in drag. Every house needs a lovable faux Scottish nanny tranny!

Secretary of State Obama: The ghost of Grandma Obama, as performed by the large woman from Two and a Half Men. The one who plays the housekeeper. Whatsername. She'll spend the entire film burning rubber in a CGI WWII Army motorcycle with a sidecar. Solving murders and fighting crime.

Secretary of Defence Obama: Ed Norton in full Hulk make-up, but without prosthetics or CGI. So, basically, a green, angry Ed Norton.

Secretary of the Treasury Obama: A large potato, wrapped in dollar bills and tossed between all players throughout the first half of the film. Replaced by an albatross (played by Verne Troyer) that hangs around Guttenberg's neck for the second half.

Attorney General Obama: Kevin Costner, in the form of cobbled together clips taken from JFK and The Untouchables. Plus one moving scene from Dances with Wolves in which the young moustachio'ed Attorney General discovers that he is at one with nature and also in love with Mary McDonald who, it turns out, is Native American.

Secretary of Agriculture Obama: Gary Coleman in a burlap sack, bound at the top with a stalk of wheat. This will be kept near Obama/Guttenberg's Oval Office desk at all times for use as an ottoman. Or ye olde style "kickin' bag".

Secretary of Transport Obama: A framed picture of Tom Cruise in Days of Thunder. "Danger Zone" by Kenny Loggins will play every time someone looks too closely at the photo (except for Obama/Guttenberg - when he looks at the Tom Cruise photo, "Take My Breath Away" will play sexily in the background).

Secretary of Education Obama: Like the recent Dylan biopic, this role will be played by 17 different actors, all of whom have played teachers in other films, including Michelle Pfeiffer, Samuel L Jackson and Jon Lovitz. Each actor will be given 48 seconds of screen time in total.

Secretary of Energy Obama: Rosemary Clooney (played by George Clooney in drag).

Secretary of Homeland Security Obama: This role will be dropped by the time filming begins, when Obama brings peace to the universe by turning the world on with his smile.

And so, onward to victory in the 2009 Oscars!
(Or possibly 2010, if Harvey Weinstein screws us around on distribution.)

Obama picture courtesy Matthias W., published under the Creative Commons Attribution ShareAlike 3.0 Unported

ELECTION SPECIAL: Calling it for OBAMA

2008-11-05T00:34:00.009Z

Before the US election results have barely even begun to trickle in, The No Show is going to go out on a non-ledge and say that Obama has won the election with an incredible unprecedented landslide, including all people on the planet voting for him apart from a few guys in Kentucky. But they were drunk and did it on a dare. They were later seen going into a closet for three minutes as their friends chanted "Tongue! Tongue! Tongue" while throwing back bottles of Thunderbird.

Obama has also been given a Nobel prize for both Peace AND Physics, for his work in negotiating settlement terms between the electrons and the protons (neutrons remain Switzerland-like in their neutralness). He has alo been awarded an honourary Oscar for a lifetime achievement and an Emmy for Best Performance By An Ensemble. The Grammy went to Sarah Palin, though many felt that Obama was robbed.

Going forward, The No Show believes that Barack "Steve" Obama's first 100 days as Principal of United States High School will see the tough-but-firm cool cucumber take on both the rockers and the greasers and bring peace to the whole gang, including Lulu, during a series of more intricate and complex song and dance routines.

The No Show also believes that Obama will be played by Steve Guttenberg in the inevitable made for TV film, instead of Will Smith because he will probably ask for money to play the role. Guttenberg will do it for bread crusts. And he'll do an awesome job of it.

UPDATE: Proving the worth of completely non-informed opinion, The No Show has proven its worth by calling the current election correctly well before the first results began to roll in. And now that we have been proven correct about this historically historical moment in historic history, we would just like to add our voices to the many many hundreds of Obama fans out there and say: Well done, sir. And we wish you luck in your future as Jesus 2.0.

All hail the conquering Messiah and welcome also to his cunning new ghost sidekick, Gramma Obama!

ALBUM REVIEW: Soul by Seal

2008-11-03T13:29:00.007Z

UK release: 10 November

And so, Seal finally reveals that he is Dr Seuss.

Soul (by Seal) will showcase Seal's world renowned ability to swap or change the letters in his name to make song titles. Tracks include: Leas, Eels, Ales, Elas, Sale, Soul, Saul, Zeal, Teal, Sear, Sour, Veal (his pro-meat song - insert your own Heidi Klum (bucket) gag here), Keel (his tribute to musical legend Howard (Keel, not the bloke in Take That) and Vole (a song about how much he hates moles and how much he loves voles).

Seal had several hits in the Triassic period with Crazy, Kiss from a Rose and Crazy. Somehow, he has managed to make a very good living and marry a supermodel on the basis of these two (three) songs. He also sang on Adamski's Killer before making it his own song and calling it Seal Killer - after several Canadian seal killers he met on one of his many trips to Antarctica - where he is never mistaken for a seal because he's not white and fluffy. He is, however, a killer with the seal ladies (see picture).

Soul (by Seal) is a real return to form for the pock-marked prince of pompous pedestrian phiddle phaddle; it's an album of warm bedroom grooves that Mick Hucknall or Michael Bolton would be rightfully proud of. Others who would be proud to have made this album include Les Dennis and anyone who's ever had a tracheotomy.

Just as Nutbush City Limits contains no trace of Nuts and is thus fine of nut allergics (the weak-willed freaks), Soul contains no trace of soul so should be fine for anyone with a soul allergy such as Mick Hucknall, Gok Wan, Phish (the American band, funnily enough, is also allergic to Fish, him out of Marillion), Craig David, Sarah Jessica Parker and the cast of Peep Show.

Proof that Seal may well be a seal comes in the form of this album which contains his usual trademarked honks and howls as well as this tidbit of information: Seal proposed to German supermodel Heidi Klum on 24 December 2004 at 14,000 ft, in an igloo on a glacier in Whistler, British Columbia.[Source: Everywhere].

Soul is out soon and will be avoided by most.

Shatner scale: Miss Congeniality
Must listen: Maybe

BREAKING NO SHOW NEWS...da da da dada (that's the music)......Everyone is going NOSHOW...

2008-11-02T02:05:00.011Z

ROGER EBERT:
HONORARY NOSHOW-ER

It seems that the world's third most famous film critic after The Noshow boys has decided that Noshow is the way forward. Big Rog (as we love to call him because of his massive cock) reviewed the film Tru Loved based on a mere 8 minutes.

As far as we're concerned, that was 8 minutes too long and Rog needs to see less films and have more opinions if he's ever going to get his musings on The Noshow.

THE WHOLE OF BRITAIN JOINS THE NO SHOW

It seems that the UK has gone Noshow crazy over the RossBrandgate (that's a trademarked word - use it and pay up). Millions of people who didn't hear the now-infamous radio show, nor read the transcript nor downloaded the podcast have felt moved, driven and opinionated enough to review something hadn't listened to.

We at The No Show haven't heard the show either but as we only review or preview future releases rather than things that happened in the past - for example, we wouldn't feel qualified to write a pithy critique of the Fall of the Prussian Empire or a bile-infused rant about the premiere of Ben Hur - we'd like to avail you of just some of the offerings from our fellow Noshowers around the UK:

Ethel Sparks, woman, Dorking: I haven't heard it, seen it or had any contact except what I read and I think it's mindless filth and they should both be shaved and made to eat the hair until they both get hairballs and die.

Craig Maelefaeces, artist, Crewe: While I think what they did is inexcusable, it was certainly Dadaist. Or possibly Engulfist. Either way.

Paul Daniels, no not that one, Perth: It was a f***ing disgrace what that little c**t Sachs did. Brand and Ross just telling him, straight out like a fucking man, like, that they f**ked his granddaighter, like coming clean and that. No secrets, and that. And that little c**t Sachs shops him to the police and now he's doing 10 years inside and that. It's a disgrace, has anyone got his granddaughter's number?

Maria Van Burnett, ex-man, address supplied but too boring to print: Brand and Ross are Britain's greatest entertainers and people. What has happened is just tragic. Of course, when I didn't hear the show or the podcast, I was disgusted but afterwards I put it into perspective. I've never seen anything with Russell Brand and that's why I love him so much, he's so funny. And I last saw Jonathan Ross at a music Festival in Chepstow, he was lovely and quite big. Leave them alone to entertain our kids - who will present Grand-children In Need now?

Who indeed?

CRUISE NEWS

Tom Cruise is in a new film. We haven't seen it. You haven't seen it. He doesn't look camp in any way. Here's the trailer. Review coming soon.

ALBUM REVIEW:A Hundred Million Suns by Snow Patrol

2008-11-02T01:47:00.004Z

Release date:
27 October

"A Hundred Million Suns". The title alone gives you the idea of just how pointlessly pompous this record from Ireland's 17th favourite band actually is. The sun is awesome in its unique power - that's it. One sun. One. By chucking in 99,000,000 other suns, the Londis U2 hope to harness that solar energy into their wailing excuses for anthemic whining.

Their last album sold 75 squillion copies even though it contained only one syng (this is an ancient but appropriate word meaning "not quite a song"), "Chasing Cars", which was the prequel to that plump lady's ballad "Chasing Pavements" and a sequel to "Cars" by Gary Numan (Greatest Song About Cars Called Cars Ever - a real shame that the Pixar/Disney film Cars didn't use it in the soundtrack as that would have introduced a new and very impressionable generation to the joys of the Numanoid).

The lead singer of the Costcutter Corrs shares one trait with the Numanoid: they are both called Gary. This is the only interesting fact anyone can find about Gary Lightbody, the vocal stylist of the Poundshop Pogues.

This record is bound to be played on football compilation DVDs, when a player misses a penalty or on the X-Factor when some ex-Butlins red coat losing out after barely whispering their way through a full aria from Tosca, or when some WKD drinking harlot loses her back-alley shag for the evening.

If A Hundred Million Suns was hair, it'd be a really tight perm with yellow tints that someone has set fire to.

If A Hundred Million Suns was an eye, it'd be one of those wobbly one that is actually looking at you but looks like it's looking at a point over your shoulder.

If A Hundred Million Suns was a leg, it'd be Heather Mills.

If A Hundred Million Suns was an arm, it'd be one of those post-industrial accident arms.

If A Hundred Million Suns was a nose, it'd be a clown's red squeaky Patch Adams nose.

If A Hundred Millions Suns was a pair of lips, they'd be chapped and cracked and full of sores.

If A Hundred Million Suns was a penis, it'd be yellowy and shrivelled like a peanut in the sun, the balls would be hairless - maybe just flying solo. One lonely oversided bollock with a sad little face.

If A Hundred Millions Suns was vagina - it would be Barbie's vag. Smooth and redundant.

All in all if you were going out with A Hundred Million Suns, you'd dump him/her swiftly.

UPDATE:

We have been reliably informed by a Mr or Miss (or Mrs) Poot Poot that a hundred millions suns minus one sun would, in fact, be 99,999,999 suns. We apologise for the incontinence.

(And for the record, we did NOT have sex with that woman. Sorry, wrong accusation.
We did not embezzle 1,0101% of the extra suns.)

Shatner scale: Quincy cameo
Must buy: No.

FILM REVIEW: Pride and Glory

2008-10-30T20:45:00.010Z

UK Release date: 7 November 2008
Starring: Ed "Hulk" Norton, Colin "Feck" Farrell, Jon "Angie I love you all is forgiven just ask the spinach" Voight

Norton: So, what do you think?

Farrell: About what, feck?

Norton: My anger. Is it angry enough?

Farrell: What the feck're you talking about, y'fecking eedjit?

Norton: In the film poster. I'm going for serious angry. Not Hulk angry, that would be too much. But not broody angry either, like in 25th Hour. That wouldn't be enough. I'm looking for something a bit Primal Fear - y'know angry with a dash of crazy - and a bit American X. Misplaced righteous angry. D'you know what I'm saying Colin?

Farrell: Feck if I do, yeh? Feck.

Voight: Ed. Eeeeed. Ed. What is the matter Ed? Edddie. Edward. Eeeeed.

Farrell: Ye've got a great big wodge o'feckin spinach in there teeth there, boyo fiddle-de-dee. Feck.

Voight: I'm playing a vagrant off Broadway in two years. Getting started on research. Ignore it. Have you seen Angelina Jolie-Pitt by the way?

Farrell: Oh yes I have and she is a feckin foine looking woman there, be'gads feck.

Voight: That's my estranged daughter you're drooling over buddy. Watch it. But yes, she is hot. And I love her dearly. Angie, if you can hear me baby all is forgiven!

Norton: Jon, do you think I've hit just the right anger notes on the Pride and Glory poster?

Voight: You have indeed. Any more angry and I'd have wet myself. Any less and I'd have punched you in the face for looking at me funny.

Norton: Good. That's good, wet yourself, that's a good balance, thanks.

Voight: What's this film about again?

Norton: You should know, you're in it.

Voight: Oh no, I don't read anyone else's lines and I have so few that I don't usually know what's going on in these roles.

Norton: Colin, do you know what it's about?

Farrell: Me? Feck me, no, fer feck's sake, I just do it fer the money and the fame and to keep meself in fags is all don't ye know fiddle-de-dee.

Norton: Great, so no-one knows what this stupid film's about. Now I'm really angry.

Voight: That's good. Go with that.

Norton: Is it? Great. Make-up! No, give me that, I'll do a better job...

Shatner rating: Denny Crane
Should I bother? Maybe. But it would have been better with Christopher Walken in the Voight role.

FILM REVIEW: Pig Hunt

2008-10-29T15:33:00.008Z

UK release: 2 November

Pig Hunt. The title is just so damned tantalising. Is it about a young woman's journey of self-discovery? Or a dying man's last wishes fulfilled? Perhaps a touching tale of a young boy as he tries to recover from the loss of a parent, possibly through the intercession of a wisecrackin' ole hog?

No. It's about pigs. And hunting. But Wait™ – because it's a horror-thriller-splatter-gore-fest and turnabout's fair play and Black Sheep kicked box office and DVD rental ass and no-one can resist bacon (not even those tree-hugging vegetarian lefty types)... dum dum daaaaaah - the pigs are the ones doing the killing! OMG that is soooooo awesome!

There are only a tiny handful of very important problems with this premise:

1/ Pigs have hooves, not hands. No opposable thumbs. Which means no clever manipulation of guns or other hand-held implements. Which means Victim #5 will never get to open that barn door only to find a massive hog with a striking resemblance to Travolta in Wild Hogs (shades, bandana, etc) standing upright and firing a double barrel shotgun. Which means this is not so much about pigs that hunt as pigs that attack in groups. Like a swarm. Maybe it should be called "Swarming Pig Death". Unless it's about a boar. Because they can be nasty. Is it about a boar? It is? Then shouldn't it be called "Boar Hunt"?

2/ Pigs don't speak, which means no pithy asides, eg "Hasta la vista, bacon". And that's a shame. Sarcastic pigs would have made for a great film.

3/ Statistically, "death by pig" is more about falling pigs or undercooked pork (which might possibly have even killed Mozart) than outright pig attack.

4/ No scary pig film will ever be a truly scary pig film because the only really scary pig film was Animal Farm, with those animated walking pigs. They were just freaky. (And remember: Four legs good, Two legs bad)

5/ Deliverance has already covered the hillbilly-and-their-pigs angle. No need to revisit it in any form.

But aside from all that, there is one truly tantalising possibility that lurks beneath the surface of this title: the reaction shot as our heros, revelling in their inevitable and inexorable victory over the invading horde of hog, tucks into a victory breakfast only to find that... dum dum daaaaaah! That's right: the bacon is in fact made of people. Pig Hunt Is People! Tasty Delicious Smoked People! Thinly Sliced and Pan Fried Until Crispy People!

Mmmm. Crispy people bacon. Now I'm hungry. Damn you, bacon!

PS: The tagline on the posters for this film is "Don't Be Scared!" Is that an instruction? Because it's dumb. Surely it should say, I don't know, something like "You'll be so scared you'll shit yourself and then try to hide in your shitty pants"? Or "Be really really scared! Of pigs! Killer pigs! Woooooooooooo!"? Just a thought.

Shatner rating: Denny Crane (I secretly want this film to be great)
Should I bother? No. Because it won't be great. It's about pigs.

MUSIC REVIEW: "Safe Trip Home" by Dido Florian Cloud de Bounevialle O'Malley Armstrong

2008-10-29T08:51:00.006Z

Album: Safe Trip Home
Artist: Dido Florian Cloud de Bounevialle O'Malley Armstrong
Released: November

Statistically speaking, everybody in the UK owns three albums by Florian Cloud de Bounevialle O'Malley Armstrong (yes, that is Dido's birth name). Which means no-one has to buy another Dido album until she's released a fourth. This is her third. Save your money.

If you're a spineless puddle of a person and just have to buy this, then consider this quote from The Observer in 2001: "To be called one thing and christened another is actually very confusing and annoying. It's one of the most irritating things that my parents did to me. ...Florian is a German man's name. That's just mean. To give your child a whole lot of odd names. They were all so embarrassing. ...I thought it was cruel to call me Dido and then expect me to just deal with it."

See? She's annoying. Why do you want to encourage her?

Also, consider this: Dido's music is pretty much shit. Sure, all the ingredients are there - instruments, melodies, harmonies, backing vocals, contemporary production, partial nudity, innuendo-laden lyrics ("Safe trip home" indeed - might as well have called the thing "Felching") - but it doesn't add up to a tasty treat. Stale, predictable, bad aftertaste. Like a sausage roll you regret buying when you have a hangover.

The CD cover has an astronaut in space. I'm hoping it's Dido, left to drift slowly in low orbit until gravity draws her into the atmosphere and she explodes in a blaze of fire.

"Dido" is the name of the mythical Queen of Carthage. In Virgil's Aeniad, she kills herself for love. Here's hoping this Dido follows in her footsteps.

I don't really like Dido much. And I have a headache. So I'm probably not the best person to review Dido's new album. Oh well.

Shatner Rating: Quincy cameo
Worth a listen? No (though you're going to hear it anyway and mey end up owning a copy of the CD - it's like a law or something).

FILM REVIEW: Saw 5

2008-10-24T13:39:00.001+01:00

UK Film Release: 24 October
Starring: Tobin Bell (who is wasted, absolutely wasted by directors in every role he takes on - the man is a genius people) Scott Patterson (who was in The Gilmore Girls and frankly, could have done better than this).

Five Saws. Count them. That's only two less than the greatest film franchise in history, Police Academy.

In a NoShow exclusive, we can reveal that when Saw catches up with Police Academy and Saw 7: Mission to Moscow is finally released, only then will the true mystery behind the muderous Jigsaw be revealed. The makers tell us there'll be a crossover film in which the insane yet inventive killer will teach Hightower, Mahoney, Lassard, Hooks and Dr Monseignor Larvelle Jones (the guy who does the annoying noises but who no one will admit is the funniest person in the world) that their lives have been worthless by putting them through sadistic, gore-filled ordeals that will result in major organs being lost.

The tagline for Saw V is "You Won't Believe How It Ends". Well, let me hazard a guess... is it a twist? Like Planet of the Apes being Earth, or Soylent Green being people or Hightower getting Lassard strung out on smack, murdering Mahoney and framing Hooks in Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol: The Unseen edition. SPOILER ALERT!! Damn, too late again. Forgive me. Oh yeah, Maggie Gyllenhall's character in The Dark Knight dies... SPOILER ALERT... DAMN DAMN.

The director, writer, key grip and craft services for Saw V should hang their heads in shame. Not because this is obviously a franchise way past its sell-by date (the main character is DEAD, for the love of god... SPOILER ALERT...), nor because it's a reprehensible slab of pointless gore attempting to say something about the human condition and the nature of revenge, nor because the lead actor is Costas Mandylor, a man who last worked as Samo Hung's sidekick in Martial Law - that's Samo Hung who is a brilliant if tubby martial artist but has no ability to speak the English language, nor even because the inventive death scenes are becoming less and less inventive (there has not been one anally fatal scene yet).

No, quite simply, shame falls on this tawdry series because there has been no Guttenberg. Ban this filth... until they get The Guttenberg.

Shatner scale: Quincy cameo
Must see: No (until they get Guttenberg... then yes)

NOT LIVE FROM THE RED CARPET: The UK Premiere of W.

2008-10-23T20:32:00.006+01:00

Broadcasting not at all live from the Red Carpet in The London's West End of London, we bring you speculative coverage of the star studded UK premiere of Oliver Stone's Political Hot Potato™, W. (As we are blogging about this in real time from a location nowhere near the premiere, we apologise in advance is the verb tense becomes slightly complex and multilayered towards the end of this (p)review.)

The star studded UK premiere of Oliver Stone's Astonishing Political Megadrama™ W. looks set to have been a stellar affair filled with starry studs of astrological proportions, and will have been no doubt be a galactically significant event in the minds of the sad bastards who gathered around the slightly damp off-red carpet in The London's World Famous Leicester Square (next to the Angus Bar and Grill).

Celebrity stalkers will have been out in force, jostling for space alongside paparazzos, "street performers" and the enthusiastic homeless, as they watch the hot celebrity stars arrive, studded and ready for action.

"Who the hell are you?" they'll no doubt have been shouting as Josh Brolin (son of the much famouser actor James Brolin and stepson to Barbara Streisand, which is pretty weird, no matter how you look at it) arrives.

"Where's the moustache?" they'll be have been are being shouting, as they realise that Josh Brolin's moustache - which made such a hairy splash in No Country for Old Men, American Gangster and The Valley of Elah - will have are not being attending this studded, starred and stud starred affair.

"Get off the carpet, y'fat bastard!" the crowds will no doubt have are been screaming as Oliver Stone pours out of the rented limo under the bright lights and grey drizzly skies of That London, with an apologetic "I just made it up as I went along" shrug.

"We love you, Lisa Bonet!" they'll chant as Thandie Newton runs under cover of many, many umbrellas for the nearest entrance, for fear of drowning under any larger than average droplets, only to slip down a drain en route, such is her startling thinness and delicate nature as an actress.

"Give me some change or I'll take off my pants!" Gary the Homeless was will have possibly may have been and still could possibly be shouting throughout.

In all, it will have been a studded starry gathering of studly stars, overshadowed only slightly by the current economic crisis, the war in Iraq and Afghanistan, global warming and the truly pathetic state of television today (all of which, let's face it, are totally George W Bush's fault).

The film itself will include stunning star studded turns of actorly impressionism, so much so that many in the audience will scream like small children as their feeble brains try to understand how Oliver Stone managed to get cameras into the freaking White House to film all those scenes, man. And when it's all over, they will have been are filing/filed out of the cinema in Leicester Square in London's Magnificent Leicester Square, next to the Leicester Square Tube station and Angus Bar and Grill, in stunned, studded, shocked and starry silence. And it will are might have maybe been good.

Shatner Rating: Denny Crane
Worth a listen? Sure why not? At least it'll make Obama's win all the more sweet...

FILM REVIEW: Ghost Town

2008-10-22T21:23:00.003+01:00

UK Release: 24 October
Starring David Brent, David Duchnovny's ex-wife and Greg "David" Kinnear

It's The Others meets the Extras. It's The Sixth Sense meets The Office. It's Poltergeist meets that really genuinely god-awful, nadir of Simpsons episodes that David Brent wrote without Stephen Merchant.

In Ghost Town, directed by the executive producer of Curb Your Enthusiasm, portly funnyman David Brent plays a dentist who sees dead people and has to help them overcome their problems. One of the dead people is ex-chat show host and current holder of the Guiness World Record for "having the most charisma in the world ever", Greg Kinnear.

Greg wants Dentist David to stop his widow, played by the woman who now puts the Ex in X-Files, Tea (pronounced T-E-ARGGHHH - Not tea, as in "I could do with a cup of...") Leoni from marrying someone else. Brent attempts to do this with his usual battery of inappropriate remarks and hopefully, that funny dance he did.

David Brent is quoted as saying: "I turned down a load of parts in Hollywood films until this because it had the best script."

Did he mean the "best" in terms of "neatest hand-writing"? Or most notes saying, "We love The Office, even though Extras kinda spoiled it by not being very good and the American Office is actually funnier and has been running for about 500 episodes"? Because in terms of laughs per minute... well, if it was a 15-second commercial, it'd be up there with Airplane. But at 102 minutes, there is always the possibility that it may be 101 minutes and about 45 seconds too long.

And for the record, is there a law that says Greg Kinnear has to be every film ever? Or is Greg Kinnear actually like god? Perhaps he's omnipresent and therefore he can't help being in everything. Beware, next time you go to the laundrette or feel the need for some quiet self-love, Greg Kinnear may be there. Silently, tearfully, charismatically watching. In much the same way you'll watch Ghost Town - tearfully, silently, charismatically.

Shatner scale: Miss Congeniality
Must see: Maybe

ALBUM REVIEW: The Katie Melua Collection by Katie Melua

2008-10-22T16:03:00.008+01:00

Everyone knows what Katie Melua sounds like. (And for those who don't, she sounds like the stuff you can't quite hear bleating over the speakers as you walk through a Wal-Mart. Or Harrods. Or Saks Fifth Avenue.) So instead of reviewing "The Katie Melua Collection" by Katie Melua, here are some important facts about Katie Melua, as gleaned from seven-and-a-half-minutes of stringent online research:

• "The Katie Melua Collection" by Katie Melua may not be a greatest hits package and may in fact be a plea for donations to help Katie Melua afford an operation that will make her tall enough to sit at the grown-ups' table at Christmas.
• Katie Melua is as small as a human can be without actually qualifying as a dwarf or a child, based on any known system of measurement.
• No-one can actually name one of Katie Melua's songs (actual titles – mumbling something about "feeling 21 but acting 17" doesn't count)
• Katie Melua can be classified as a "Type 6" on the Bristol Stool Chart (pictured above): "fluffy pieces with ragged edges, a mushy stool"
• Katie Melua is not Norah Jones.
• Katie Malua does not believe in marriage (though her views on Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny can not be confirmed).
• Statistically speaking, every person in the UK owns a copy of a Katie Melua CD, possibly stuck to the back of one of Dido's albums.
• Katie Melua was once swallowed whole by Chuck Norris, though she was later able to gnaw her way out through his bellybotton (Chuck Norris didn't notice at the time, though he wasn't happy about the rip in his shirt, which he discovered later that day. He also had to swallow Dido whole to stop his tummy rumbling before a roundhouse kick workout.)

Shatner Rating: Miss Congeniality
Worth a listen? No (though you're going to hear some of it anyway).

ALBUM REVIEW: Funhouse by Pink

2008-10-22T13:15:00.000+01:00

Album: Funhouse
Artist: Pink
Released 27 October
When you think of a funhouse, do you think of lazy summer days spent at the seaside, enjoying clever tricks of light, distorted mirrors and wonky floors? Or do you think of a pig-faced, tattooed, pre-op transsexual whose faux-rebellious squawkings makes Lou Ferrigno with laryngitis sound like Maria Callas and who hasn't changed her outfit since she rode the coattails of her fellow squawkers in that godawful cover of "Lady Marmalade"?

If you do, then Pink is the second rate karaoke screamer for you. She'll get the party started and then she spend the rest of evening crying in the toilet because she's drunk too much Pernod and doesn't understand why no-one knows the real her. But the sad fact is YOU - that's right, YOU - will be the sorry excuse for a human being who wakes up next to her vomit-flecked porcine features after a half-forgotten night of fumbling and frottage. And you'll be humming "Lady Marmalade" when you do, you sad bastard.

Lumpy beats stolen from a game of Asteroids, "I'm a woman, don't mess with me" ranting mixed with painful ballads about how her man is banging her best friend, and some sub-Roxette guitar solos are slung together to turn Pink's Funhouse (Christ, what a revolting, not to mention smelly thought) into the kind of album that makes cats eat themselves.

Why can't she just marry Kermit, have some mutant pig-frog kids and leave us alone?

Shatner scale: Quincy cameo
Must hear: No

BOOK REVIEW: Open-handed by Chris Binchy

2008-10-22T13:14:00.002+01:00

Published by: Penguin
Released: October

Judo. The art of fighting. Much like the art of great writing, it involves struggling, sweating, grappling with your muse and ripping the clothes off other men. Chris Binchy's new novel Open-handed is the latest bestseller since his last bestseller and adds yet another bestseller to his personal list of bestsellers.

The title alone conjures up more images than a free porn site. But what is "Open-handed" trying to tell us? Is Binchy saying that a hand should always be open? Or that openness should be delivered by hand - like a cheese plate. This captivating tome sets out to answer these life-changing questions in several thousand words. And the answers may not be the ones you want.

Open-handed is a must-read unless you a dictionary, in which case you could just randomly read that and eventually you'd read this and pretty much all other novels (except for this not using the Cyrillic alphabet or those written in Esperanto), if you get the words in the right order.

In these financially-troubled times, what's it to be? Open-handed or monkey-typewriter? Not my call. Yours.

Shatner scale: Denny Crane
Must read? Yes (unless you have a dictionary)

Cover image: Penguin Books

London Film Festival Special: THE SECRET LIFE OF BEES

2008-10-21T13:13:00.014+01:00

UK Release:
23 October (London Film Festival)

Bees. Filthy beggars. Disgusting. With their degrading little secret lives, drifting from flower to flower, getting sprayed all over with pollen, rolling around in it, then traipsing back to the hive and dragging it in with them like it was nothing.

And then there's the Queen bee, whoring around with lover after lover, spreading little bee bastards wherever she decides to whore around next, her tacky little hairs glazed under the weight of sticky honey as it drips from each and every honeycomb. Right in front of her children! And with her children! Incest and sticky mess and pollen and indiscriminate sex between who and whatever happens to be available... it's shocking. Simply shocking.

The Secret Life of Bees no doubt takes all of this lasciviousness in its stride, bring full frontal hardcore bee pron to the big screen for all to see. IT SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED! Especially in our cinemas, those bastions of common decency and civility.

Whatever you do, do not go to the cinema to encourage this worst kind of lowest common denominator film-making. It's indecent. It's degrading. And it's cheaper to wait until it comes out on DVD and you can watch it in the privacy of your own basement, wearing that extra fuzzy felt bee suit you had made special. You know, the one with the extra long stinger? You look good in that. Oh yes you do.

Shatner rating: Quincy Cameo
Must See? No (unless that kind of thing gets your rocks off in which case, y'know go for it but keep it to yourself unless you can send me a copy in the post... shhhh don't tell anyone okthxbye)

Photo by Ragesoss, licensed under the terms of the GNU Free Documentation License

FILM REVIEW: Quantum of Solace

2008-10-21T09:41:00.001+01:00

UK Release: 31 October
Starring: Some Scouse actor with freshly six-packed abs and tighty whities, some forgettable model who will spend the rest of her career with "Bong Girl" preceding her name and Dame Judy "Dame Judy" Dench.

"Quantum", as you'll remember from your GCSE Latin, is Spanish for "Little Mexican" while "Solace" is that feeling you get just before surfing for online porn and just after deleting your online history around seven minutes later, a kind of empty excitement, much like every single Bond film ever made. It also rhymes with "soul-ass".

So it's safe to assume that Quantum of Solace follows the heartfelt story of a sad masturbating Mexican as he tries to take over the world, only to be defeated by James Bond played by yet another mediocre actor in a film franchise with just slightly more credibility that the Police Academy series. (Note to the Broccoli clan: Steve Guttenberg woud make an awesome Bond. Awesome.)

Cointreau of Snodgrass is the 723rd product in the Bond line, which began when Ian Fleming launched his failed glue stick and spreadable condiment line, Bond Jams Bond, back in 1955. Since then, James Bond has become as familiar as crabs and as comfortable as a stale olive.

Country of Soul-ass drags James Bond into the spotlight yet again, as he picks up from where the very long baccarat game in Casino Royale left off. It is safe to assume the following: James Bond James will say "Bond James Bond" at least once; he will be up against someone mean and fairly self-deceptive - someone with major "issues"; James Bond James will have sex with at least one woman if not more (and flirt with at least one man); vehicles will be used as weapons following extensive chase scenes (but not as cool as in Die Hard 4 - he killed a helicopter with a car dude, c'mon); James Bond James will be captured and escape (possibly with the help of a woman or the man who mistook the earlier flirting and will go on to become very depressed because he didn't get any hot Bond action); James Bond James will win the day. And it will be long and fairly boring, interrupted by car/aeroplane/boat chases (I'm hoping for a high-speed tricyle showdown, myself). And an inappropriate environmental message.

James Bond James? Who gives a crap who, more like. Apart from the sexy Dench wench, why would anyone waste time and effort with this endlessly repetative rubbish? And with no Steve Guttenberg in sight, what's the point?

Shatner rating: Quincy Cameo
Must See? No

Book Review: CLIFFHANGER by TJ Middleton

2008-10-20T15:47:00.001+01:00

Published by : Picador
Released: October

Don't call a book "Cliffhanger" because everyone knows what will happen. It's either set on a cliff, it's a very very delayed tie-in novel for the fabulous Sylvester Stallone mountain heist cinematic diamond or it has a suspenseful twist. Like Bruce Willis being dead in The Sixth Sense, or Kevin Spacey being Keyser Soze or Aliens being killed by water in Signs or the trees happening in The Happening. Or indeed all M Night Shyamalan films. SPOILER ALERT! Sorry, too late again. (Oddly all his films are like masturbating when very very drunk. You know that eventually something may happen at the very end but it's not worth the effort and you feel cheap and guilty afterwards.)

TJ is obviously going for the 'we-like-authors-with-initials' crowd. A crowd that served JK Rowling, TS Eliot and SP Parker so well. And made JRR Tolkien the UK's favourite all time author everrrr. With his Shatner-tinged initials (TJ Hooker - great show) and nod to Sylvester Stallone, Mr Middleton has crafted a thriller that may not win the Booker Prize but it could be the most riveting and nailbiting piece of fiction this month. Stick that on your book jacket, TJ. I know I will. Because I write my quotes on book jackets.

Shatner rating: Hooker (obviously)
Must read: Yes!

Film Review: BURN AFTER READING

2008-10-17T20:02:00.004+01:00

UK Release date: 17 October

Burn After Reading, the new film from The Coen Brothers, is a new film by The Coen Brothers, aka "The Two-Headed Director", aka The Coen Brothers, aka Joel and Ethan Coen. Coen. Brothers.

The plot (as gleaned from a number of expert sources), seems to revolve around the instructions implied in the title. Hence: a book, fire and bringing the two together like hot steamy literate lovers. Possibly due to the Terms & Conditions involved in buying said book. Or because it's shit.

The film is probably not about Hitler or Sarah Palin. Hitler wouldn't bother actually reading a book, he'd get one of his nazi henchpersons to burn it for him. They might have read it, but that would just be a coincidence. And they'd probably keep that information to themselves. Nazis weren't big on sharing.

Palin would probably try to get a local librarian to burn it. Or ban it. Or both. One followed by the other. (Epic FAIL.)

Burn After Reading stars The Brad Pitt's hair, a slick pompadour that reaches skyward. It makes Pitt look both funny and stupid. But that may just be his face.

"Who needs to learn lines, emote or connect with viewers on an emotional level?" The Brad Pitt seems to be crying out to the viewer. "Look at my hair! It's wacky. Now excuse me while I phone this in."

The film ads also feature George Clooney who has thus far avoided the lucrative and job-securing hair acting path, with the exception of O Brother Where Art Thou – also a Coen Brothers film by the Brothers Coens.

This makes three Coens Brothers films for Clooney, which is some kind of record for an actor not necessarily sleeping with one of the Coen Brothers by the Coen Brothers (I'm looking at you, Steve Buscemi.)

George Clooney has also appeared in 11 episodes of Roseanne, 17 episodes of The Facts of Life and one episode of Friends. As did Brad Pitt. Since they are both in this film and I liked The Facts of Life, this has to be a good film. Plus: it offers practical advice – burning a book while reading it would hurt.

Shatner rating: Denny Crane
Must See? Yes

Film Review: Eagle Eye

2008-10-17T15:08:00.004+01:00

Release date: October 17 2008
Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Michelle Monaghan, Rosario Dawson

Not the life story of Neneh Cherry's one-hit wonder brother nor a nature documentary about monovisual avian marauders (my new band's name), Eagle Eye is another in a long series of pretty-people-run-away-from-exploding-things-while-big-metal-things-buzz-overhead-and-character-actors-slum-it-while-talking-menacingly-into-product-placements-and-bald-vegan-techno-geeks-provide-the-soundtrack.

Replacing Matt Damon (cue Team America voice now) who would normally star in these things, is Shia LeBeouf. Roughly translated, his name means "Shy of the Beef" - which apparently, he isn't, being a fan of cows and bodybuilders who translate him roughly.

Accompanied by a pretty girl (played by a pretty girl) The Beef runs, ducks, jumps and shouts things like "What do you want from me?" and "What the hell is going on?" at regular intervals until he finds out the answers to those questions. Once he finds out the answers to those questions, the film ends. Billy Bob Thornton also appears as a tough Southern-inflected CIA/FBI/NAMBLA member who wants Shy of the Beef's "ass on a plate". Hence the NAMBLA membership.

Directed with all the verve of the Verve and the panache of Panache (a cheap seventies perfume that smelt like a MILF's undercarriage mixed with Toilet Duck) by DJ Caruso (possible relation of David Caruso, the scowling ginger pug star of Jade whose glowering presence in CSI-Daytona and NYPD Blue Hawaii make most normal people turn off their TVs and put their heads in hot, hot ovens), Eagle Eye is a film for people whose eyes need to move quickly and who want to see Shy of the Beef use a phone or ask open-ended questions.

Shatner rating: Miss Congeniality
Must See? Maybe

The No Show Shatner Rating System

2008-10-16T14:19:00.009+01:00

Most cultural critics give a star rating. However, we at The No Show rate our cultural artifacts on a much more demanding level – the Shatner Scale. Roughly speaking, this calibrates as follows:

Kirk = *****
Hooker = ****
Denny Crane = ***
The part he played in Miss Congeniality = **
A cameo in Quincy = *
(or ********* if you really liked Quincy and Star Trek)

For the unforgivable heathens not au fait with The Shat's career, we suggest you get up to date, but in the meantime we also provide a simple three point guide to accompany The Shatner Scale.

Yes: Means you should, see, read, listen to or do it.
No: Means you shouldn't see, read, listen to or do it.
Maybe: Means you should make your own bloody mind up. What are we, your mother? No, if you've found this site, it means you've managed to surf away from Iloveagingasiantrannies.com and have the ability to understand quality. And it just means Maybe.

Welcome, lazy bastards!

2008-10-15T21:18:00.005+01:00

This is The No Show, the website that gives you all the information you need so that you don't have to bother queuing to see that new film or buy that new CD or get into that art gallery exhibition (not the free bit because there's never any queues for that, only the expensive exhibitions they bring in every once in a while and that might be cool but, seriously, d'you want to pay £11.95 to see a bit of paper that was stuck to another bit if paper back in 1967?) or buy that latest hardback.

Ok, no-one does that except sad bastards who wait until midnight outside Waterstones with the wizard's hat their "dad" made for them so they can cram into the shop and pay above the odds (instead of going to Morrisons a day later and paying less than half price) and then stay up aaaaallllllll night reading so they can be one of the first several thousand sad bastards to finish reading a ridiculously popular book about a young wizard (whose author doesn't need any more promotion or money thank you very much), JUST IN CASE they happen to stumble across a spoiler on one of the endless fansites they trawl which in the end they end up posting anyway just to show how cool they think they are because they knew that Dumbledore died before anyone else did oh dear did I say that SPOILER ALERT!!! too late.

Anyway, here at The No Show, we make you this promise: we haven't seen, heard, read or... seen, I guess, any of the films, music, books or art that we review here. Which makes our opinion as valid as yours and frankly, we're much better at this sort of thing than you.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE: we want you to contribute your own reviews. Because we love you and, more specifically, because we're lazy and have day jobs that keep us pretty busy most of the time. Feel free to add your reviews in the comments and if they're good enough, we'll post them up as well. If they're not, we'll probably taunt you. A bit.

Save your pennies in these depressing times and prepare yourself for some of the least informed reviews you've ever read.

PS: Dumbledore was totally gay too. Before he died and came back to haunt Harry Potter. That's right, Dumbledore was hot for the hairless Harry. There, I said it. Deal with it.